Romance to the World?

I watched a Lenny Kravitz music video for the first time and holy shit. The first video I watched was one of my old favortie songs that I didn't know the name of or anything, but I would listen to it on the radio everyday. Fucking hell man. That guy is slathered in sex appeal. I don't even care what he has on, he just is the physical embodiment of sex. I can safely add him to my "Would have sex with in a heartbeat" List. He will also be on my 5 people I'm allowed to sleep with when I'm in a relationship. Because dude. You know, I actually hate those lists. I've never been in a relationship long enough for it to come up, but when I watch in love youtubers talk about their lists I don't understand how they do it. I'm not a super jealous person, but I'm jealous enough to really hate those lists. Probably insecurity or something on my part. I was thinking about it today. The Miguel thing. I thought about it in passing. Why do I still feel so bad about it? I made a mistake. But I went into that friendship honest. I told him who I was, I told him I was obsessed with girls, I talked about girls with him, and we talked about past relationships. He knew I had a friend with benefits in high school. He knew all of it. I wasn't a person with an outstanding past. I shouldn't have been such a dick, but I was in a moral dilemma. I was trying to be better and the whole fucked up armpit thing wasn't helping much. But he didn't know that. Sure, I told him I would teach him sex because I felt bad for the kid. Then I tried to take it back. I basically did every douche bag thing ever. I was like, sex and he was like no, I was like, come on sex, he was like no it'd be weird, then I was like sex and he was like ummm... I was like teach you sex, and he was like well... I was like good sex, and he was like when you say that, and I was like sex god, and he was like okay, then I was like sex? and he was like yeah, sex and I was like r u sure sex? and he was like yes. I was like, but sex? and he was like yes sex, remember and I was like, but sex? and he was like teach me and I was like, r u sure? and he was like yeah I'll take a week off, and I was like .... and he was like hello? and I was like... and he was like I just worked my ass off to take this week off, and I was like... and he was like, let's hang out, and I was like... and he was like 2 days left and I was like... and he was like well times up and I was like... I mean, it was a shitty thing to do but should I feel so bad about it? I should have communicated with him but I was scared. Typical I know, but I shouldn't feel this bad. It's because his reaction was like I was his girlfriend. He felt betrayed and I understand that, but the way he approached everything was like I ruined him for the entire female species. Like, bros before hoes but I wasn't your hoe. I was a friend and maybe you should be more picky when choosing friends from now on, but that's a gender neutral term. Women can be assholes but so can guys. I shouldn't feel so bad. It's not my fault he took our relationship to another level in his mind. Like, I said I'd have sex with you and teach you, but that doesn't mean I want to be your anything. I'm a terrible person to approach about sex in any manner other than purely speaking educational. I'm the definition of a touch-me-not in that sense. I don't know. I still feel really bad but there's nothing I can do about it now. I had him reject my apology twice. I tried, but he told me how he felt and we couldn't be friends anymore. Which hurt, but I understand. I just don't want this to be a regret of mine. I'll let it go eventually. I just feel bad. I hope he's found a nice partner and has a nice life. I saw him a few months ago, I was mortified but he didn't acknowledge me which was nice. Anyways. I can't sleep and lying in silence didn't sound appealing. I just looked at twitter and there was this article called "World in Turmoil" Seven countries to watch in 2014. Based off of my limited knowledge on current events in the past 6 months or so I guess, US-Russia-N. Korea-Egypt-Afganistan-Libya-China But Afaghanistan, Libya, and Iran/q were potentials in my mind. The actual list was Afganistan-Brazil-China-Iran-Russia-South Africa-Syria Now I considered Syria but it was between Libya and Syria in my mind and where I last left off with them Libya was doing worse than Syria but apparently things aren't anymore. I completely forgot that 2014 was the year of the summer Olympics. Way to think long term brain. In all honesty I thought Argentina but I was like nah, things aren't that interesting in South America right now. But nope, they're right. There has been a lot of controversy throughout the entire set up for the 2014 Olympics. Personally I'm excited for the soccer and that's it at the Olympics. I guess there are other events but I'm most excited for soccer. Back to controversy. There have been riots and assemblies concentrated on the economic status of the couuntry and the governments disregard for the education and life quality. Which is true. Brazil spent an obscene amount of money to build things for the Olympics ,which every country ever has always done. I guess people are more vocal about it now. I mean, come back to me on this topic after the net worth of having the Olympics in Brazil after the fact. I'm sure the revenue and tourism will more than triple what they spent. South Africa is apparently because of the death of Nelson Mandela and something about the government shifting and a thing about ill spending. I didn't really read it I just caught some keywords and I scrolled past. I'm confused about this one, but apparently Nelson Mandela was a figure head for the government. Idk. We'll see in 2014 I guess. China has been getting crazier over the years. I personally blame the Hong Kong incident. The whole, rebellious stage the, now, city had. After that shit just started getting cray. Countries were like North Korea, and China was like nope. If a country that claims to be a democracy is behind North Korea there's something wrong. I'm sure there is an alliance and a plan formed from every country that's not China in case they go all super power nuking bitches. Because that country is a little too into perfection for my tastes. So let's hope they don't fuck shit up in 2014, if not you should yolo it up! Now, if China wasn't scary enough, let's go to Iran. Shit's going down in the middle east and in my mind Iran has always been the figure head for things happening in the middle east. I didn't read the article but I'm assuming Iran is refusing to give some one liberty, constantly saying that they aren't hiding any terrorists, that they don't plan on doing anything with their nukes, they're just there for decoration, really explosive and powerful decorations. tiny dicks, you know. But Iran is another big contender in the crazy category. Afghanistan. Oh Afghanistan... things have just been shit for you for so long. I don't even know when things were okay for them. Under an apartheid type government and then dictators, then civil disobedience, then they gained the power back, but jk they aren't who they say they are. Afghanistan is like Loki in my mind. Iran is Thor and Afghanistan is the adopted less cared for demi-god in the middle east. I'm not sure where they stand and a lot of issues because their shit has been fucked for a while and I trust Mitt Romney's word more than I trust whatever Afghanistan has said in the past 20 years. Though the article claims it's about the US troops finally all pulling out. Shit is sure to go down sooner or later. Look for them in the news in 2014. Of course, there's Russia. 2013 was the year of bullshit Russia. There was the gay debacle which is still happening, the trying to ban Vodka in some respect, the controlling Stalin ish measures Putin has been trying to enact lately. I think getting divorced and fucking a young sexy woman has really made Putin crazy. I miss the manly man who used to ride grizzly bears for recreation. What happen to that man. It seems as though it's been one terrible restricting measure after another in Russia in 2013 and it doesn't seem to be stopping anytime soon. The winter Olympics are supposed to be there next, so shit might be hitting the fan sooner rather than later in Russia. Let's see what shitty and crazy things Putin has in store for us in 2014. Last but not least, Syria. Apparently shit got better and then immediately worse in Syria since I last left off with them at the end of the spring semester. I'm assuming the rebels have fucked shit up. There are extremists everywhere and it's starting to seem like a cheap knock off of the Divergent series. I'm a bit tired of reading about the latest development in Syria so we'll just have to hope that things get better for them. If you are a person who prays, pray for our brothers and sisters in Syria because things are going downhill quicker than they are going up. Good luck in 2014 Syria. Now, the reasons I thought the US, N. Korea, Libya, and Egypt would be on the list are the following: It might seem presumptuous for me to say the US, but really I only see things becoming more contriversial and there are going to be some really angry women in the future and where there are angry women there are unsatisfied men and when men are unsatisfied things start to get unruly. 2014 is a voting year where chairs are taken and states begin to change colors. So, I see things getting heated in the US, though I guess threat of nuclear war does seem to be a bit more important. North Korea was my immediate second choice, followed immediately by Russia, because Kim Jung Un (Is that his name?) seems to be going crazy. He just executed his uncle because he was inebriated because yolo. I mean, I can't see things going well for N. Korea. Or anyone else. North Korea always tends to kick up some dirt and there have been several missile scares this year and I haven't trusted North Korea since I learned that Korea was in fact split in two. I think 2014 is going to see a lot more scares and things will just get more tense for the entire world. See China. I thought Libya would be on there because of the civil disputes that they were having, AKA revolution entire upheaval of the government, but nope. Apparently Syria is a lot more shitty at the moment. Well, I hope things go well for you in 2014 too Libya. Of course Egypt was on my list. After I learned about the debacle in the 1900s I was like wow, Egypt is fucked. I mean I just got bored and checked my twitter to see what was up with the world and sure enough 44m ago there was a bombing near Egypt military officies. Things are not okay there, the governmnet is fucked, and it just snowed there for the first time 112 years. If you aren't freaked for what 2014 has to show I don't even know who you are. Okay, I'm really tired now. I've been at this for like an hour and I just used my brain to remember a lot of history I haven't thought of in a while and searching through the dusty news cabinent files was a bit exhausting. One last thought, Russia just had a suicide bombing on a train I think an hour or so ago. Suspicious especially after the same thing happening in India yesterday. The world keeps going but the plotting continues. Let's hope the world doesn't go to shit in 2014. Just in case it does, make sure to have a bunch of canned food and bottled water. If teh world goes to shit and you have non of teh above, go to a homeless shelter. Don't be dicks, homeless people know the places to go and the stacks of canned food and canned and bottles beverages is crazy. Be nice to each other. You never know when shit will hit the fan for the world. Yolo man. Yolo.

dreary details

Well, I don't know where I last left off, so I'll do a quick recap in under 5 minutes because it's almost 5am, and I'm sleepy as fuck. I didn't go back to MC this year because my parents are poor as fuck and refuse to do anything about it except rely on me like they have the past 2 years, even though I was in a different state. I'm not happy about it. I would have preferred to go back there and ignore this was even an issue, but being the empathetic fucker I am I had to stay. I ahven't done anything this semester to further my life. I have done fuck all in school, oh I'm in the local community college because I ain't got money to start paying loans off. My parents think I'm staying here in Houston for college. FUCK THAT! I hate being near them and their shit. It pisses me off and it takes years off my life listening to their self imposed bullshit. I have had to pay for college on my own, all 1,000 not including books. It sounds like a cheap education, which it is, but I don't have a fucking job and my sure job (blockbuster) just closed down. Also, I'll be fucked if I work as a server again, where I'm treated like the scum of the earth. So, I'm in the fucking red. I owe 300 on my credit card, and now 500 on my debit, which is piling up because they keep returning my last 200 bill from college and they just keep charing me, which is a 35 return fee and a 35 overdraw fee. So, all in all my financial situation sucks. It's not like my parents can help, they can't even pay all their bills with out pawning some ring or sometihng. I'm contemplating just becoming a hobo. I mean how bad could it be. I'd just have to pack the appropriate clothing and materials to survive. I'd lose a shit ton of weight. I'd be able to survive for at least 3 months on little to no food because of all my body's stored up fat. I'd become more fit because I'd move a lot. I'd learn how to survive off the land. I could put my lying and conning skills to use. Sure I'd be hungry, dehydrated, tired, dirty, smelly, a lot. But I could find a nice nature spot to live in. It sounds better and better as time goes on. Today for the first time in about 2 years I've felt alive. I don't know why, but I feel less hopeless and more like I have a purpose in life. It;s a crack in the darkness, but I'm starting to find a way. I'm just going to ride it out and I hope it is here to stay, because it's exhausting raoming around in life not being able to motivate yourself because you don't know what you're living for anymore. I was only living for my parents. They would be devastated if anythnig happened to me. I wouldn't be bothred really, and my friends would move on. I've sufficently isolated myself that way. Anyways, my status right now? I'm still very gay, I'm in a lot of debt, I'm jobless, I have no purpose in life, I have no immediate future, I hate living at home, I haven't had alcohol in over 6 months, and I'm still single as fuck. That's been a 6 minute update on my life. Hope you enjoyed the dreary details.

fuck you mc

Alright, I keep trying to write this sentence justifying the decision I was going to tell you guys. But nope! This is my life and fuck everyone else. I decided to say FUCK YOU Marietta and withdraw and come back home and stay here and go to this community college 5 minutes away. Because I'm so sick of all the shit associated with Marietta. I am going to miss my few friends and I hope I'll stay in contact but it's not worth it at all just for them to stay there. My fucking adviser is a dick, my lessons teacher is too demanding, my head of the department is an ass, the classes are pretty much shit, and the people are annoying as fuck. Also, financial aid people are dicks and so are the people in charge of anything. They are those fake bitches you hate. I hate them. So, yeah. I just am like meh. I'm staying at home and staying where all my true friends are. It was an idea I started considering like a week and a few days ago and dude. I spent like 2 days straight thinking about it. Seriously! I even dreamt about it! I legitimately dreamt about the pros and cons and life and such. Dude, but after 2 days of non stop thinking, I decided to apply and send in my FAFSA and yeah... I still have to talk to them about my financial aid hopefully it all works out and I can register for classes. I am so just ready for the stress of set up to be over because it's so annoying. But yeah, I'm ready for new things. I need to actually go workout and I need to start meeting people. I need to start caring for myself. I'm posting it on here: My friend is getting married (jeez I sound like an actual adult :P ick haha), June 14th of next year and I'm flying or driving up there for it. My goal is to be down to my happy weight which is what I think is 120-130, I'm not sure how much I weighed when I was like close to my goal size back in teh day. (I ddin't have a scale back then) So, 120-130 lbs is my goal weight for that wedding. And if I happen to have a lady lover (dammit jane, you have me saying it now!) I'll probably bring her because my friend has been bothering me about getting a girlfriend. But yeah! That's my goal. Having more than enough money to buy a shit ton of alcohol, a round trip, and a hotel room for the amount of time I'll be there. I have so many plans and ambitions and it's another reason I decided to leave mc. I'll write them all out at another time, but I haev a shit ton of reasons. All in all it''s just a better option for me this way and I'm closer to everything I love this way. Well, more or less I am. That's all guys, sorry about the typos as always and I'll talk to you guys later <3

You know when your brain thinks about a million things at once but none of it is relevant enough for it to inform you unless you trigger it some how? Well, I'm reading John Green's Looking for Alaska, which is amazing by the way, and I was analyzing Alaska's character and what I'm predicting from every new piece of information and such. I started thinking about what kind of friend she would be to me, or how we would get along, or a similar character like Alaska entering my life. With this I thought I wouldn't keep her for long, because I don't keep anyone for long. Then I realized a new theory as to why I have been unable to make a connection with anyone since high school, because the culture change excuse is getting old. I think it's because I had Gil before. Gil got it. He was able to look past my many faults, even those that came and went throughout the years, just like I did with him and we just meshed. We understood each other in a way I didn't and still don't understand. The chemistry was just there. Granted I don't remember much any of it, mostly because I try not to think of high school. It wasn't particularly bad, but I just don't think about any time frame ever. I don't really think of teh present past or future, because I might break if I think too much about any of it. It's really stupid really, but I just haven't found a time when I can just completely be destroyed and have someone help me out of it, because I let it happen, if I release the floodgates and there is no one there for me on the other side I won't have the strength to go on. Which is so stupid, to be so reliant on others, but it's there. Maybe I'll be able to do it on my own but I'm too afraid to try. There was a time I wasn't afraid to die. I wan't afraid of what would happen afterwards, but back then i felt like nothing could be worse than what I felt. Now, I know there is such a hell living in your own mind that I am afraid of death. I'm more afraid of the immense guilt I would inevitably feel, whether there is a life after death or not. My every move is for my parents not to feel guilty. Angry and sad, yes. But not guilty. I live in guilt every day of my life, I can't really do anything in this house that doesn't remind me of different things I did, do, or will do that will make them feel guilty or think something was their fault. It would break their hearts and I can't live with that. So, I deal with it, because it's easier. My parents are actually my kryptonite. I can keep myself from crying or showing any emotion about anything, except when it comes to them or anything that could devastate them. It's shit really, because, like everyone else, my mind thinks about everything at once, including how something affects me, my friends(ha), and my parents, then every emotion and reaction they will have and the people talking to me can't go ahead that far because it's such a far fetched idea that unless you were my mind you wouldn't understand. So if it makes me even possibly fathom the feelings my parents will have, I'll cry. It fucking sucks. Back to friends. I seriously don't have any, it feels like, because I just don't know how to function anymore. I honestly don't recognize myself anymore. I don't know when exactly I lost myself but I'm not here anymore. I don't know where I am or how it's possible to no longer be your own being. I think I know how to get back, but like I said. I don't know how I'll be able to survive it without anyone around me. I have pushed everyone that could possibly care away from me. Why? Because it's easier, it's exhausting being this person I am now. I am always acting, I am always on the verge of shattering. I'm not strong, I'm weak, so fucking weak and it's exhausting tiring to hold the entire world on your shoulders when you're just a hollow shadow of the person you should be. If I let go, if I stop, I will be crushed. I will spend weeks crying, writhing in pure agony. I will be destroying every single wall, every single protective barrier that I have created to stop what I have to do. I was there once. I spent months in hell and I dealt with it by starving myself, cutting myself, and trying to find pleasure through pleasuring others. I destroyed every once of innocence that could be found. Here I am again. Years later, full of regret for my hundreds of actions since I lost myself. I lost my anchors to this life years ago, back in high school when I tried to separate myself from the pain of separation that would inevitably happen. I'm so stupid for trying to be a masochist like that, shouldering all the pain for all of us. I'm an idiot. Now, here I am virtually friendless and keeping myself together with rubber bands and gum because I ran out of duck tape years ago. I know it's what I have to do. I need to break in order to let loose my self. I can't though, it is fucking terrifying. Things can only get better after I do though. I know. I never cry, I hate crying, because every emotion just flows out of me at that time and it is something that is only painful and I don't think I'm strong enough to do it. I need a safe space where I can just become completely unraveled and naked for the world to see with out worrying about my parents finding out the pain I'm in or my professor's obligatory worry about my mental state or roommate's awkward interaction with the basket case she lives with, or the worry from my aquantices at school. It's all terribly mundane but they will just cause me more turmoil and I can't have that when I'll be so vulnerable. I need someone to say that things will be okay and mean it. To just sit there in my company so I know someone out there will be waiting for me once I'm back. Someone who will still love me when I'm myself. You guys should remember me. That firecracker who was passionate about whatever she spoke about. The different spectrum's of emotion that you could read. How I cared so much about my friends and all the different scenarios we would go through. I miss that person. I miss my drive, my motivation, my passion. I feel so lost. I feel so gray. I don't have anything except the ability to just lose this shell and hopefully regain that person I was before. It's terrifying. I don't know. There is so much out there to live thorugh and I just am too afraid to feel it. God, I'm just fucking complaining now, making excuses. I'm pathetic. So fucking pathetic. This was my worst nightmare.

Confused Jumble of Thoughts

People always tell me that I don't look gay or that they suspected it. I guess I'm glad people are more open minded about the character traits of others not putting them in a box. But I always internally laugh at some of the girls actions. Especially the ones that don't know. I am a very considerate person. I do notice women and I look at them and their builds but I don't flirt with girls just because I can. Mainly because I don't want that bi-curious drama. But I'm like the good guy who doesn't try anything with girls ever. I sit there and I listen. Some girls aren't used to that. I also throw away their trash I try and comfort them, I give them advice, I hold the door open, and I just do nice gestures because it's who I am. After awhile we'll be talking and they do the whole looking at you in your eye and then get slowly closer to you and then they glance at your lips or when you're farther away they check you out or look at your boobs. (I switched tenses a million times there sorry) but they'll do that, those crazy bitches. I have been able to control my urges of looking at their lips when I speak to attractive women and I for the most part have been able to control the sub-conscience urge to look at their boobs and asses. I've been good, it's just these women and their wandering eyes. It's really funny because then they tell me they never suspected I was gay. Either all the women i know are bi, gay, or bi-curious or they all sub-consciencely realized it. I just think it's funny because most of them at some point have flirted with me. Funny white girls. Also, I remember everything I say and do when drunk and holy shit I never shut the fuck up. And I thought I was bad during with needing to constantly have noise around me.

I think I'm getting better. Last week or the week before, maybe even the week before that (it's been a really long and fast past few weeks) I decided to just let all of my emotions go. I talked to my parents before break and they know that I don't hate them whic is a large relief for me. That stress was off my shoulders and I talked to them about money which is always a stress in my life, but this was calmer. I also am trying to make friends, real friends but I'm still really hesitant to do things like that. Just anxiety adn stuff. But I stopped holding back my anger, frustration, and depression, which in exchange let me experience actual happiness, joy, and all these different positive feelings too. This is a double edged sword because though I can feel great highs I can also feel great lows. Today I felt low. I had a shit morning where I woke up slightly early to finish typing up my lesson plan for that morning. I ended up finishing like 5 minutes after 9 and my first class was at nine. I was ready to leave except I couldn't find my keys and I forgot my ID badge until I walked out of the building but I was able to notice before the door closed so i ran back to my room and spent like 5-10 minutes looking for my ID. It was the most frustrating thing in the world. I was 30 minutes late to class. 30 minutes. If I didn't think I was going to teach I would have just skipped and collected myself so I wouldn't be pissed off. I went to class in a shit mood. I was sore, I spent the morning frustrated at my dis organization and I had to walk across camppus with my shoes that were hurting my feet. I was done with the day before I had even started. So, I was unhappy but nothing major, just the mix of it being the morning, a Monday, and the shit start I needed to chill. Needless to say I was feeling low. My mood was slightly going up and then I was talking to Addy during my 9am and I noticed that she had these recent cuts on her arm which made me very sad for her and for her to think she had to do that to feel better. Then Marsh- gave us a lecture on how we were doing terribly in class in my 10am and I didn't need that in my life. I'm good at acting very non-chalant especially when I know he is talking about me. I was very unhappy. With both my low mood, seeing Addy's arm, and the lecture I was feeling really triggered. I've had the urge to cut these past few weeks but it hasn't been strong and it's usually just in passing (I've been tooo busy to even consider doing anything). But this morning it was elongated and I tried to draw blood in class with my nails and then my baton and a mechanical pencil but nothing worked. Which was a good thing but i really wanted that release the one that would make me forget my problems for awhile. I didn't however because I was not about to walk to my room to get something and it's just a big problem to cover it up, though no one really gives a fuck. Thta's besides the point though. I worked thorugh my rage and frustration and I was able to make it through the morning and get somethings done. Then my mood was able to lift and I even napped. I felt better by the night and I was high on life. Though I;m not being very productive tonight. I tried but it didn't happen. The history of conducting is actually really fucking boring and I can't do that to myself tonight. I tried though. But the point of this is that I was able to control my urge and I don't know if I like it or not. I sort of miss that rush of endorphins but I'm considering starting to work out because I honestly do like it. I just feel a bit uncomfortable working out here. We'll see.

I do think about this blog often. I think about writing my thoughts and my feelings but then I forget or I write a half assed entry and never publish them. I'm actually really tired right now. So hopefully I'll write these thoughts out tomorrow or at least I'll remember these memories and elaborate later. 1. I got drunk on Friday. Everclear is a bitch. 2. I made new friends due to the nature of the night. 3. I had a girl hit on me. 4. I threw up a lot. 5. The dems conference was interesting. 6. I drank some more on saturdya after I got back. I went non-stop 7. I convinced my cousin that sex was awesome and she should have it. 8. I emailed my professor telling him about my life story to get him off my back. 9. trumpet... 10. people are getting to knw I'm gay.