A pointless talk

So, I am on Tumblr just reading peoples post, looking through new people to see if I want to follow them, and I keep seeing their significant others and posts of love and I’m sitting here like… What will it be like when I fall in love someone. Granted that usually requires you to be in a relationship.

I can’t really imagine being in love. I know I will do my best to be good to them and not my normal pusher away. Though, I assume there will be some overwhelming feeling of loss if I try and do that so sense will stop me.

Has anyone out there reading this been in some serious love before?

All I have to go off of are songs. And we all know people generally only write about their pain not their love.

I guess I have some relationships I can bounce it off. The stupid friendship me and Gil have, for instance.

Oh! A thing you guys probably know but I think I’ve said. I really really really try to stop liking some people, either because they are in relationships, they are douches, they are not good people to be in relationships, etc. I can’t however. I’ve pretty much failed every time. I just can push it to the back of my mind and try and forget it with time but I have the tendency of not getting over them until they are replaced. Unfortunately for me I haven’t found a better replacement.

It’s LAME.

Now, for more pressing topics. I just started watching the US version of Skins. It sucks. stinky hairy balls. It is SO bad. Tony is UGLY, he has an ugly voice, Effy is ugly, Jal who is Daisy in it is a trumpet player EW and doesn’t have an awesome air around her. GAY. Chris, or at least who I am assuming is Chris is ugly, not funny, and his hair is bad. And nips or Michelle is hot but I doubt she can pull of the sexy bordering on slut that Michelle had. Stanley I already hate, because of his name, it’s SID. Anwar was the final straw, his scene in the UK was way funnier and he is not as awkward looking as Anwar in the UK. I’m disappointed. Stupid US writers. I got through the lame word for word dialogue for the first like 5 minutes, but I can’t do it. It is just BAD.

BAD.

I don’t recommend it AT ALL. Watch the UK version for a better version. I can’t even imagine how they are going to do some of the scenes that happened in the UK.

Fuck. It really sucked so bad. I may not be a fan of some of the characters in the new generation in the UK, but I don’t hate any of them. The characters in the US just SUCK. At least in the UK they can act.

Ugh, I didn’t even want to see Maxxie or the lesbian in the US version. I might CRY if they make a generation 2. That’s my favorite in the funny, mental issue category. With my fav. lesbian couple. I will CRY if they butcher it. God forbid they make it to generation 3, they would completely just mutilate that one. Just chop it into little pieces.

I can’t even describe it.

Wow. Now, I’m watching this movie. Tormented, seems pretty good I’m only a bit into it.

Hm… I’m kind of curious as to how it is.

You should watch it. Pretty okay I guess.

Fancy!

I’m doing this on the windows live writer or whatever. And it’s niceeeee.

I recommend it so far. It looks easy to use. I mean it is only my first one, but it does several blogs and I think you can choose, but since I only have one!

Yup, I’m pretty much done now, see ya guys later!

Short romance spiel.

Now this is going to be one of those posts.

Where I am the hopeless romantic and I spill out a bunch of random things I would do, and considering the mood I'm in it may or may not get sexually explicit.

So... Continue at your own discretion, you can't say I did not warn you!

Every single day I would text you good morning sending you different variations of how great you really are. When I see you for the first time that day I will do some corny, cliche hello. Whether it be the Marty and Alex run at each other (before Alex tries to eat him) or doing a ninja sneak up or the cliche covering your eyes. I would then proceed to give you a light kiss not really caring who is around or who sees because all that matters to me for that split second is you and only you, in that moment you are my perfect world.

*Slight side note OMG I WANT SOME ROBIN NIKES!*

You'd have to forgive my extreme awkwardness because I'm constantly afraid of saying something stupid and insulting someone. We will talk about so many random things and laugh about the silliest things. I would hold your hand down the halls and in stores and walking down the street. I would try for that awkward walking while holding you from behind, and if that doesn't work I'll just carry you like a G XD

I would be able to stare into your eyes for hours and I would play with your hair constantly because let's face it you have sexy hair, and if you don't think so, then me constantly playing with your hair will make you feel very odd.

I could hold you and cuddle for ages.

When you're cold I'll make sure to give you my jacket and my body warmth. What is mine will be yours, except my electronics. I love you, but those are like my baby ducks mess with them and some shit's gonna go down XD

And I would continue this, but I got distracted, and yeah...

College :(

Okay, beyond popular belief, or you know., what I've been telling people. I have NOT decided where I'm going to college. I mean, I haven't paid my applications fees to anywhere else, so I basically have decided.

IT'S FUCKING SCARY.

Ugh, I've been dying to go to a different college but fuck mayn.

Last one I promise!

I shall bother you guys once more today!

I remembered the reason I was going to post a few days ago while thinking about somethings.

I've been relatively emotionally unstable the past week or so. Why?

Well a friend I used to hold dear just started acting like she could tolerate me but she would rather not talk to me or be around me. Why?

I'd like to know that too. The first few days I didn't know what was up, granted I still don't, but I just grew more and more analytical.

I thought of everything I could have possibly done wrong, and I realized that I just suck.

Now, I probably don't and these are things people normally do, but I easily exaggerate anything bad or slightly unacceptable I do into the worst crime known to man.

Then I did what I convinced myself I wouldn't do anymore. I thought to myself that she doesn't need someone like me in her life, she is way better off with out me and if that tears me up on the inside so be it.

I ALWAYS do so. I did it the moment after I realized he wasn't talking to me.

In my mind I'm not worthy of anyone and I'm lucky to get who I get.

I know it shouldn't be that way.

I went through a whole day berating myself. I was on the brink of tears until I got so pissed off for no reason. Pissed off at myself, pissed off at her, pissed off at the world, I guess, but I was so angry. Then band kind of simmered me off, but considering she sits in front of me and I rely on her to tune my notes, it wasn't easy cooling my guns.

I was a big ball of emotions. I distracted myself by talking nonsense pretty much because it was either bawl my eyes out or punch a bitch.

I'm still pissed because as she knew she was one of teh only people I could talk to. I mean I kept a lot of things from her. I never told her I had had sex, I didn't tell her I had/have a crush on her so called best friend, I never told her she would be so much better if she just didn't worry, I never told her that her anger was a thing she needed to channel. I never said a lot of things. Because they are negative things.

I can think of a few reasons why she would be mad at me, but I don't think it would throw her over the edge.

I don't know and it pisses me off.

What ever. I'm trying really hard to just let go.

My next topic, after watch Imagine Me and You and doing that mad libs thing, I wondered, "Do people look for true love when they are looking for a best friend and a lover?"

I never really thought about it. I have not subconsciencly looked for someone because I want to be with them for ever, they were almost over pure lust and not wanting to be alone.

I still would rather not be alone, but that's besides the point. I really have never looked for someone I would want to spend the rest of my life with.

I asked myself, "Do others look for their life long partner when they date? Or are they just desperately looking for someone to be with so they are not alone?"

I don't know the answer to that, but i know I never did until now.

Maybe it's because I'm nearing my 18th birthday, maybe it's because I'm about to go out into the world alone and look for my soul mate. I don't know.

I'm thinking long term about a lot of things and it really is scaring the shit out of me. Harry Potter ending hits at home. Because it is ending as my adolescence is there will be no more Harry Potter once I start my life as an adult.

I'm so fucking scared. I thought I'd be counting the last seconds before I finally had the opportunity to leave.

Every time I reminisce with someone, I think. Would you still act like this if yu knew I was gay?

Everyone talks about our reunion in a decade and I don't know. What will they do when and if I show up with a woman by my side.

What will my students think when they see the tattoo that will be on my back and on my foot and possibly my arm. What will my employers think about it? What will they think about my sexuality. My partners? Will my student's parents accept it?

What will the world be like? Will there even be jobs for teachers? Music educators?

What will my teachers now think about me in a few years?

I will be at TMEA I will see Vince, Taylor, Mr. Bendorf, Mr. Hoskins, Mrs. Benitez, Mr. Collazo, Mr. Eck, and Mr. Goforth there. What will they think about my teaching? My school?

Will I be up to par?

Will I fuck something up?

Will I be able to teach?

Will they like me?

Can I teach them?

Or will I fuck someone up?

Will I go to the school I want?

Will my playing be up to par?

Will I be able to learn?

I'm so scared.

These questions go through my mind all day, everyday.

I've been told I'm a good teacher and I would be great at it. But I don't know. I'm not sure if I can do it.

I can shape into the things I need to be a good teacher, I'm a laid back person but i can work on my weak attributes.

I don't know.

I really try to be insanely confident, but it's so hard will all these questions and doubt floating around in my mind.

OMG she's straight XD

So! I'm watching Imagine Me and You, an amazing movie about a freshly married chick and this lesbian florist. It's british, I like it so far.

So the best man liked the florist, and I forgot my point... OH, I remember.

The best man liked the florist and he shot her a look like, fuck she won't have me(he's a bit of a slag) and I thought, "Sorry guy, the best ones are always straight." Yup I consciencly thought she was straight because she liked girls. Apparently in my world, liking girls makes you straight and liking boys make you gay, in a girls perspective XD

Feliz Day!

I have to say, I'm slightly addicted to pokemon black.

It's honestly a good game. The best I've played story line wise. It has a bunch of unique attributes I haven't seen in other games, I kind of wish they still had the offline mini games and like hiding places and such but they don't I can live with it though.

It has a bunch of great aspects and I completely recommend it to anyone.

And don't be discouraged if you really want some older generation pokemon to appear. They will eventually, but patience is key in this game.

Now! As I just got distracted...

I found the cutest thing EVER!!!


1. Your Morning

You open your eyes, shaking off a peaceful sleep, to find your angel laying next to you. She smiles and bats those lovely lashes of hers. Her eyes are-

a. Hazel

And you love them. You love her. She loves you back and it's the most wonderful feeling in the world. Every morning when you wake up, the first thing you do is-

b. Move the hair out of her face, kiss her lightly on the lips, and tell her I love her.

She giggles and you feel warm inside. You wake up like this everyday, and wouldn't change it for the world. She makes you fall a little more each day you're together. With words straight from your heart, being in love with her is-

c. the greatest thing ever to happen in this grand universe, with out her I'd be nothing, with her I feel invincible, I will be with her as long as she can stand me, and I feel like the hugest cliche in the world because she is my everything and I'd be lost with out her.

2. Your Relationship

This girl is absolutely perfect in your eyes, but how does she feel about you? Your angel calls you-

a. babe

And does so often. She calls you in the middle of the day just to say she misses you. When she's away, she admits she can't sleep without you and you rush to her, wherever she is. She can be so-

b. spontaneous, cute, and hilarious.

And you eat it up. When you two are alone, she loves to-

c. steal kisses that I would gladly let her have and give romantic gestures.

You don't protest. You secretly love giving into her. You make her happy because you care, and your heart melts with how selflessly she takes care of you. You were sick that one week, and to make you feel better, your angel-

d. stayed with me the entire time through my annoying moaning and made me some chicken soup to help me get better, but I have to wonder what her intentions were because I refused to touch her so she wouldn't get sick ;)

You ask yourself, "How did I get so lucky?" while she secretly asks herself the same thing.

3. Your Rough Patches

You and your angel have been fighting. It's not your fault this time, it's actually hers! If it had been your fault, you would have-

a. apologize for being a stupid jerk face and probably do something super way unbelievably nice.

But that's not the case. She won't admit she's wrong. You two fight. You fight hard. It ends with her storming off and "needing some space" from you. You're heartbroken. She left. The worst thing she could ever say to you is-

b. I don't love you, I never did, I absolutely can't stand you, I hate you, and I hope you die.

And that's exactly what she said. You stare at your cell phone and wait for her to call or text an "I'm sorry", but it doesn't come. Minutes pass by. Minutes turn into hours. Hours pass. The hours turn into days. Four days go by with no word from your beautiful angel. You worry. The first thought in your head is-

c. Is she not going to come back, is this real, is she really going to do this? God no.

And you're not sure how it makes you feel. You're at home when a knock comes at your door; there she is, standing in front of you with a glow about her. The first words that you expect to come out of her mouth are-

d. I'm sorry, I'm sorry for leaving like that, can you forgive me for being such an idiot?

And they are. You have never seen her as fragile as she appeared at that moment. You look in her eyes. She's afraid. She's afraid of loosing you. You're afraid of loosing her, too, or at least at one point you were. You open your arms, offering her a warm embrace (which she eagerly accepts). "Promise me something," you whisper. "Can you do that for me?" She pulls back just a little bit and nods. "Anything," she smiles. "What is it?" You look at her and say-

e. "Don't run away from this again. I know things will get hard but I love you so much it hurts, and I believe that you understand how much that is. As much as it hurts to fight, it'll hurt so much more for this to be over. I love you so much. I promise you that I will never walk out on us. Please promise me the same."

She smiles again and offers a simple, "Okay." before you both go in, stronger than before.

End


It's a fill in the letter! It's like mad libs but way more awesome! Those answers are mine, you should do it too!

Hm...

I sent this to my friend who is feeling attacked by people after her and her boyfriend broke up, on facebook, technically I commented on her status.

"Forget them, they aren't worth it. Just stick with those you know love you and wait for the others to prove that they love you too, and if they don't they can go do something with themselves."

I'm so exhausted. I just want to lay down and sleep for a year. And the above is just there to fill up space.