Fav Song? Fuck You :D

On Saturday I went a party at my not-so-much-an-uncle-anymore-because-his-bitch-ass-wife-is-an-idiot for their son, he is 25 and all, but he lives in Tuscon with his wife, who also came, it was a big deal when they come, so we always go. It was pretty okay. Nothing huge. It was like 7 hours of boredom, but it's okay. Not really, but there wasn't much I could do to change that. The thing that was a total downer was that, my religious-bitch-ass-aunt-that-is-separated-from-my-now-not-so-uncle is obsessed with trying to get me to get baptized. She suggested this last year when I was 16, now I'm hoping this ignoring of the subject will last until this time next year when I am going to my college (Hopefully not UT Austin, WAY too close to home). And as you guys know, I'm an Atheist but no one else in my family knows that I am. I am very respectful of their beliefs but I know they won't respect my beliefs. So I'd prefer to keep that under wraps.

Ugh, total downer on my night. I DID get to see and hold my baby nephew 9that I have no idea how he is my nephew but I don't know how family names work XD) HE IS SO EFFING ADORABLE! I swear! And he has the most beautiful warm gray eyes! He is so going to be a pretty boy!

Other than that life has been lax.

I have attempted to do nothing this week I have off, mostly because I was pissed no one told me about New York so I didn't get the chance to go. I am STILL pissed. I want to go kill someone. Seriously, super pissed.

I have done pretty much nothing. I'm pissed at a few people too. But I won't mention who they are, I am just pissed and frustrated.

So college is coming! And I've narrowed it down to 3 colleges (the list is bound to grow though). SUNY: Albany, Temple, and UT Austin.

I am excited! AH! I am going to take German, and double major and then go to Germany for a year to study abroad it is going to be AWESOME!!! BEYOND AWESOME!!! I'm excited!

So yeah, I'm really over high school. I am ready to finish and get accepted to somewhere far off away from most of the people I know. I just want to be away. I just want to learn and start my new life with people I don't even know yet!

Oooo, TMZ just started the Team Angelina; Team Jennifer fight! lol

Team Angelina XD

So I'm done, I'm bored. lol

Talk to you guys later

;)

Oh! Something I forgot to add on the blah section of that last post(which I realize I could just edit it, but, I'm choosing not to ;P

Yeah, now that I analyze my life, I'm pretty sure my depression is getting worse rather than better, so yeah. I'm going to try and make it this next year in high school and then when I attend uni O am going to go talk to someone, or at leats after AP tests(I will officially be 18 so I'm going to see what the confidentiality is for that) but then I'd have to adjust doctors, hm... I think I am just going to wait until uni to go see a doctor or who ever I have to at that point, because honestly I thought I was getting better, but in all reality it's getting worse, just the way my mind is trying to deal with it is changing. so yeah! That's all I have to say about that :)

Last Night

So I have spent these past few days just going crazy on youtube, I have lite;drally spent forever on youtube! There is this site that is helping me out with an issue I'm having or coming back or whatever and I have this thing where I have to start something from the beginning to get the entire process or idea of the people I'm reading/watching about, and it's like, wow. Taking me a while, I'm not complaining, I would probably be done by now, but I've decided to branch off and watch teh personal videos about the people themselves, blah that makes liek no sense. Mostly because I'm watching a video now, well, listening to it or whatever, and this is just something I know a lot about, at least I hope I know a lot about what's going on. So yeah,that's what's up.

I am having a very weird time right now. I won't bore you with the details though, but if I seem a bit off, you know I'm just not exactly right, right now.

I just totally erased 1500ish songs from my music library! That's awesome! I finally did it! Yay! :D
Now I can put on shuffle and not hear something stupid yay! I only have 822 songs, give or take duplicates. You know what, that's what I'm doing right now, hold on! Well, you are reading you don't know that I'm off doing something else XD well still hold on! Down to 811 now! Yay revision!

But yeah, I also cut my haor again today XD I should really stop, but it did grow again! And it was annoyingly long. I don't like it long!

But yeah, pretty much all I have to say. I know! But I don't want to bother you guys with the other stuff, I have other mediums for that, so that's all I'm saying guys.

Ciao!

Lol, so my week has been a bit eventful. My research things went over well. Weird thing was that my Economics teacher walked over to me after I spoke and presented or whatever (I went over my time by almost 20 minutes) and told me I had a great presenting voice or whatever and asked me if I was in Drama or speech or any of that crap, and I said no and he was just like oh, you did great. It was weird especially sense my mom was sitting next to me and I was in the middle of making fun of one of my friends and he cam from behind me, CREEPY! The thing I loved about the entire thing was that this annoying ass girl sat next to me and it was hilarious, because she wants to be an 'actress' or some stupid shit like that and he did not say a WORD to her after she presented and she was just looking expectantly at him when he came over to me. It made my night! That and before I left at the end he came back and told me again he was proud of me, I was like... thank you? and he didn't say SHIT to her, I loved it. hahaha

If you knew this girl you would hate her too.

So yeah, oh and guys, if you ever talk to me in person or whatever, just know the one way to piss me off is to ask me "Are you okay?" constantly. I could just shoot myself in the head. I would want to shoot you slowly and painfully. You would wish you were dead :D

Honestly it's my least favorite thing ever. If you ask me, chances are that 50 people before you asked me that question. If you're going to ask something like that, rephrase it or reword it, because I will hate you if you ask me that. Especially if you know you are just doing it to know and not do me any good. Chances that I'm going to say "Oh yeah, I'm in a major fight with my best friend, we haven't talked in days and now he's sick and I can't do or ask anything because you jack asses won't ask him and if you do ask you'll say I asked, and I can't have that not to mention I've cut like 5 times in the past few days because my mind is so skewed and I'm probably going to fail all my classes because my mind and heart aren't in it and I'm almost 100% sure I'm severely depressed but the chances of me killing myself are slim." are less than 0.

So if you really want to know make sure you're ready to hear me out, if not you're just wasting both our times.

Btw, the above example was a mixture of several separate occasions when people have asked me the dreaded "Are you okay?" question.

I admit last school year was honestly one of my lowest but still, I had about 10 people ask me in a 2 hour range if I was 'okay'. I looked like shit and I looked depressed as hell, of course I was okay! ugh *rollseyes*

So just know that fact.

C&SI board has directed me to a youtube channel that will help me right now, because my mind has been in rough times. I mean right now my parents are pretty much poor, idk how we are going to make it this time. I dunno how my dad is going to be, it sounds like he isn't getting better, and here I have to start band soon as a leader and that's a major role. I know I can do it, but it makes me nervous, because my mind has it, it's my body that probably won't produce. My knees are really crap and I know the several factors that are making it this way. It's a very stressful thing. Idk my mind wants me to revert back to my old coping mechanism, and sometimes it seems like things would be so much easier if I just gave in and started it again. Idk, I just really idk right now.

We'll see how it works out. I think if I just keep myself busy all day I can avoid it and try to get through it when I don't have anything to do.

Yup!

You know why hetero sex is so lame? 8 times out of 10 the women never gets to orgasm, but the guy will be all pissy if he doesn't cum, but then he get's bitchy about a woman being all frustrated and bitchy because she didn't orgasm. And. With homo sex, the two people want to just pleasure each other and a re generally not greedy about when they orgasm. It's a more sensual thing, kind of like the 2 out 10 that the men pleasures the woman enough so they orgasm.

That has been Elidee's Public Service for the day :D

Space Invaders

So these past few days have been interesting to say the least, let's start with Tuesday. I took the car to school, as I usually would. Everything was cool, nothing terribly interesting happened, then I went to Walgreens and I bought myself some tampons from U(which is an awesome new thing) they were on sale 3 for 10 and I would get a free movie ticket that were on special XD, and then I called my mom to see if she wanted this sour cream that was on sale for a dollar. And she told me if I was going to go home soon, and I told her yeah. She told me okay, because we needed to go to the hospital because my dad was feeling really bad. So I basically rushed home trying to keep a level head while driving, so I get home and my dad could really stand up, his lower back was just in tremendous pain.

So we eat first and then I drive to the hospital (which was the most infuriating drive EVER)we get there and my mom is super anxious about my father and then we get to the E.R. which is FULL of people, literally full. I couldn't stand it. One, I HATE hospitals I can just feel the sickness's and illness's just surround me and suffocate me, I didn't touch a THING. I drove back home 2 hours later because I had a test to study for, which I passed! awesomeness! But my dad waited there, wait for it... FOURTEEN HOURS! It was ridiculous! I'm glad I decided to come home. I drove to the hospital and back.

My dads okay, he just had a dislocated disk (whatever that means) and if the meds don't do anything, he'll need surgery to fix it. I hate hospitals.

So I slept very badly that night, because my mother insisted on me locking the front door completely with the bolt and everything. So I had to force myself to sleep lightly which I can do, I just don't sleep well, for me sleeping lightly feels like sleeping on a hard surface for 30 minutes. The next day I was DEAD.

But Stat's was fun after the test, unfortunately I was the last one to finish it, and I'm almost 100% sure I got the lowest score. Calculus was just killer, it was a bunch of problems non of us had any idea of how to do them. Then I went home and I slept. I was exhausted.

Today was cool, nothing too exciting except it was my last day of classes! Only tomorrow is left, all my research class. and then the research project night when we present. I am just going to bs my way through it and change my topic for the millionth time because my 'mentor' is a douche and I hate him :D

So that was my second half of my week. It was eh.

Metal Slug

MY AIR IS FIXED! I know it's going to break again, because I am pretty sure the issue isn't the A/C unit itself, but more the entire A/C thing. I don't know anything about it, but it's not a coincidence.

Hm... so, what have I learned since the year began.

I have learned what it truly means to be broken again and having to piece together the already broken shards. I have learned what it's like to find a friend that actually helped save me from going down a very very bad path. I'm not sure I've ever said thank you. You know who you are if you are even going to read this. Thank you for helping and ultimately saving me from what could have easily been a downward spiral.

I've also learned how to move on and what an anti-productive relationship me and Thorium had. I've learned how hard it is to let go of a friend you really really cared and loved for so we could both move on. Hardest thing I've ever had to do. He was basically like a drug lol, he was just really great like, I know he can be a douche, but only a few people get to know a different side of him and I was privileged to even get a taste of that. But it was just bad for both of us. It was my choice, he gave me that choice,, and I chose to let the close relationship we had go. And no I don't mean relationship relationship, I mean a friendship relationship.

I haven't learned the meaning of love yet. I kind of hope to not to. Because yeah love and loss. What ever. You know what I mean.

I have learned what the meaning of friendship is and how great it is.

I've learned that I've pretty much have had no experience with my friends feelings. Pretty much because my past best friends have been really stupid emotionally. Yt pretty much doesn't know what emotion is let alone let anyone else know what she is feeling even back then, dare I say it's actually gotten worse as the years have gone by. Thorium was just a hurt puppy that bit anything that got near to what he was feeling.

I have learned about what kind of life I want to lead. I have learned what I want and I'm honestly not ready to leave what I've built here, but I am ready to start a new journey, building what I want and what I will accomplish. I may not be ready now, but hopefully in a year I am going to be able to leave keeping in contact with those who want to.

So I'm willing to grow this year. I am going to grow this year, I am going to learn things to become a better person, I'm not going to perfect my personality has it's flaws, no matter how much I hate it. So ear with me, I'm trying but there are parts of being social that I haven't experienced yet, so I'm a rookie and I want to learn, I will learn, but I can only learn by making mistakes.

I know a lot of things, I know how to do a lot of things categorized as bad, I know how to do a lot of things categorized as good, but right now my social skills lean more to knowing how to do bad things, I will make the good things go up. But there's only so much I can do in a short amount of time.

I have become more responsible and more willing to help others. I want to learn, I will learn as much as possible, but I'm anti-social, so being social will be a stretch for me, so once again bear with me.

So! That's that!

I'm so bored XD

There is nothing I can do! Other than this! And Stumble.

I should really evaluate my life, but I'm one of those people that thinks immensely about things that are important to other people. I want to say the perfect thing, which is not always the best thing, I also plan my conversations ahead, so I have an outline of what I will say.

Aha, I have a lot to think about.