BOA!!! lol

So today (yesterday) we went to BOA! In the Woodlands. Ah, we had a great time it was 1:45 p.m. when we preformed. We had a call time of 8 a.m. though so we could get a last minute run here and there. Our game the day before was 2 hours away so we didn't get home until midnight. So we were all exhausted. I was shocked we sounded and looked really good during practice. But I knew the moment we left our focus would die. And it did. It was there when we warmed up but not to the extent it should have been at. People in my band are way too ADD to pay attention for long.

Personally I did awesome. I missed my set points, but it's only because I was staying in the form, so technically I was wrong. but I made it look right. The only bad thing for me was the fundamental on our opening sets. It's okay

What I thought was hilarious is that people in my band (The people who don't go everyday, don't try and march well, and suck at marching their spot because they choose not to work on things) thought we would make finals.

I really don't think they understand that we needed to work focused like we have the past few days the entire marching season to be at the finals level. They don't realize Texas marching band is crazy competitive and there were like at least 7 consistent Grand National bands there. (ALL OF WHICH WE DIDN'T GET TO SEE! I was BEYOND pissed) We aren't there yet. In a few years maybe. I'm only pissed that the Woodlands beat us XD After that one time we beat them 2 years ago, we've been at each others throats lol.

So it was a LONG day.

And when we were coming home I call my mom when we are at the school and she's like, I'm in down town with your aunt. We'll try and pick you up. So 20 minutes later she calls me and tells me she's close and I was like YES, then she tells me it's going to be another 10 minutes. 20 minutes later they get there, and do I get to go home even though it's 7? Of course not, even though I'm exhausted, smelly, sleepy, super tanned, and disheveled I am forced to go to a freaking family party. And then forced to eat. It tasted BAD.

I finally got home at 10. A whole 3+ hours after I was supposed to be at home showering and eating and eventually sleeping. The food and shower woke me up (along with a friend who texted me randomly) so now I am anxiously waiting for musicforall to post the prelim scores to see how badly we did :D

Comptine d'un autre ete : L'apres midi

OMG I HAVE FOUND THE PERFECT COLLEGE!

It's called Mannes College The New School for Music. And I would basically breathe, sleep, and eat music! That would be freaking AMAZING! I like almost cried when I read the mock course thing. It is PERFECT. Not only is it Eat.Sleep.Breathe music I would be in NEW YORK, NEW YORK. I mean, seriously this is my freaking beyond dream school!

The only down side is that there were 210 undergrads last year. Yup. 210. I don't even think the entire school population gets close to 1000. That means this school is BEYOND difficult to get into. I mean. Omg, I am applying. I am going to write 3 or 4 kick ass scores just for that school and just give the rest of my school choices it.

I am so undecided. If I get moved on to the 2nd step, I will have to go to New York to get interviewed, and then maybe JUST maybe I could get in and be one of those 210 people who get in. I am scared out of my mind, I will be slightly devastated to be rejected from the school of my current dreams. Ugh, I dunno every other school now just pales in comparison.

I guess I'll just have to beast huh?

lol.

Ha, I'm a wreck at the moment.

Breathe Me

Homecoming week!

Was lame, lol. Nothing too interesting. Some people dressed up, nothing too fancy.

I didn't really do anything. Spirity. Lol, I'm not a fan of the school spirit things and such. Lol, I'm in the band, I think that's good enough!

The dance was yesterday, I totally skipped it. :] I didn't really want to go. My only initiative to go was to go see my friend and her not-so-new boyfriend. Lucky for me she didn't go :D

So I didn't miss anything.
It probably would have been really lame anyways, my friends are pretty lame at dances. They love to sit and not go out and dance at a dance. It's their hang out time. So what ev.

Hm... I've been watching a million youtube videos today. Lol. Man I've become addicted to it since the summer XD

I would tell you what I watch but you wouldn't be interested!

Hm... I really did have a point to posting this. I had a topic. and it's gone now... darn lol. I really don't know. Youtube youtube youtube youtube youtube youtube youtube youtube youtube youtube youtube youtube youtube youtube. Lol, I'm trying to remember what I was going to say! Lol.

Well, until I remember I shall talk about something else that has been on my mind. So I dunno. I've been thinking of making a different blog, whether it be private or public, on this same account just talking about self harm and my self harm and things like that. I dunno. I haven't decided yet. On one side I'm like It will totally help me to get these things off my chest, but on the other hand I don't know if I'm at that point where I can talk about it often and not become triggered.

Dunno, we'll see how that works out :P

My Friday was amazing! My mood was just so happy! I dunno why, I think the homecoming thing was getting to me or the fact that my incredibly horridly long ugly week of band was over. Idk.

My mood was awesome! Then it just crashed, but it's okay, because I had that one day where teh entire week SUCKED. I swear. I dunno if I talked about it already but here's the run down!

Monday- Class between 10:46-12:15 Inside Practice 3:30-6 (as usual)
Tuesday- Class 10:46-12:15 outside, Practice 5-8
Wednesday- Class 10:46-12:15 inside, Practice 1-3:30 (Early release day)
Thursday- Class 10:46-12:15(Masterclass) inside, Practice 3:30-4:30, Parade 5-6
Friday- Class 10:46-12:15 inside, Pep Rally 1:10-2:30, Practice 3:30-5 Game(including prep time) 6-11:30

I don't even want to know how much band I did this week. I would kill myself.
I did the math, A little under 26 hours. RIDICULOUS. I really hope my math is wrong on this one.

Ah! I remember I was going to rant about something, but I've changed my mind.

So that was my week. I'll talk to you guys later! Bye

Stupid Tired!

Of course, I shouldn't be on here, but I am.

This week was EFFING LONG. I'm feeling a bit better. But now my ear hurts. Everytime I swallow I'm really hoping I didn't get an infection. and it's just something that will go away, like my throat. I can sing for tomorrow! Which I am psyched for! It really kills me to not sing in choir! Since we never sing, it's so stupid. I'm used to over acheiving in music. and not doing so isn't making me get better. It is beyond frustrating.

So yesterday I had a long ass day. I woke up at 5:30 a.m. so I could leave at 6:20 so I could get breakfast (Which I did) so I could reach the grid at 7 to teach these two friends of mine their spots. 7-8:45 I did. At 9 I went to the college across the street to this room on one side of teh campus to find out I had to drive to another building I get there I go upstairs and I go to the room then I sit and the teachers lady asks for a volunteer to go back to the first room and get something that she forgot, so I go and I park at the wrong building (for the second time) and I run to the run then back to the car and drive back get there, talk about awkward period and vagina crap. And then we have to drive people back to the first room, and I do I finally park in teh right spot. They give us pizza then my UBMS director commeses to tell us we are failures for not applying for a milion scholarships and completing our college applications, or taking our tests. Then we go to another building on campus and go to the computer lab to sign up for the texas common app website. And such. Then I drive home sick as a dog at this point and my mom wants us to go to another part of town (which probably in every other city in the world is another city) to go to talk to some people. It starts raining and the point is I don't really get to go home and rest until about 5 p.m. I am exhuasted and I have no idea what I did. I can not repeat to you what I did last night. I was so out of it.

I was tired to say the least. Today I slept ALL DAY. That's a lie, I slept way longer that the day before considering I had A game Friday and didn't fall sleep until about 1:30 a.m. I woke up at 12 p.m. and I got ready to make lunch and head out to school to help decorate the area in front of the band hall for homecoming. I got there around 1:30 p.m. but is NHS asks I got there at 1, and I stayed until 6 p.m. It was fun, long but fun. btw, glitter gets old after about the 2nd hour of working with it, I got home at 6:30 ish. I rested about an hour minutes got in the shower and I was eating around 8 ish. I got everything ready I panicked and I am finally doing homework.

I have a lab report due tomorrow. I am considering not doing it. But I will be unable to do it tomorrow. Idk. Tomorrow is the last day too. But I still have Calculus and I have a test if I don't do it. I hate this. I've been busy and battling illness all week. I hate this. I guess I shouldn't have worked. But I got 5 hours to contribute to NHS now. I just need another 10 XD let's see how that works out!

UGH! I should be doing it now, but I feel so overwhelmed and I am feeling so tired.

I hate homework and Biology. I can deal with calculus, but bio lab reports are so useless in life.

Long and stupid.

I'm going to do my calclus and we'll see how much Bio I can do before I kill myself. lol not literally, ah I probably shouldn't make that joke after that last post, too soon too soon. XD never thought I'd use that phrase! hahaha

Bye guys! Thanks for distracting me again.

The Story.

So... I really have nothing that major going on in my life, but for the sake of putting off all of my homework because my head is pounding and I'm sick as a dog and I had to wake up about 3 hours after I fell asleep and go teach two kids their marching spots and then go do some UBMS crap. So I'm pretty much exhausted. But of course it's the busiest time of the year for me, so I can't stop!

Any ways. So the past week or two I was thinking about what I could talk about. And mostly it was whether or not I wanted to write this. I'm still thinking about it. But I'll see when I finish writing this.

So I decided to talk about the issue I addressed in my last post, or the one before that one I can't recall exactly right now. Ah, I don't think that sentence made any sense, I hope you know what I'm talking about XD

Yeah, I guess I'll discuss it. So I began in a really bad time in my life. My life broke around me and I felt stationary standing on all the shards. And yes, I could have dealt with it in a better manner, but I didn't know how to. I read about it once I was introduced to it. And I thought it was mad, ad being young and stupid I tried it, and it hurt like hell. And I was pissed and I was like oh HELL NO. Never doing that again!

Ha, but I did. And I'm not going to lie, it hurt but it felt amazing when the endorphines kicked it. And it started there. I started at one and then I didn't feel the same afterwards, so I moved to 2 and then was like okay, same feeling again, yes! Then it was a thought in my mind that if 2 felt good more would feel amazing! A very bad idea on my part, but it made sense. And after that I don't even know what happen. That month or so basically don't exist in my mind. I kind of know what happen it's just all a blur. Every day was a routine of the same thing. Wake up hate, life, self destruct, maybe eat, self destruct, run for about 2 hours, do exercise for an hour, self destruct, self destruct, hate life, fall asleep more or less hoping I wouldn't wake up very bad, very bad indeed.

I remember how I stopped. Or at least attempted to. One of my only friends at that time and I were texting and she asked me what I was doing and I distinctly remember laying in bed curled up pissed off, angry, a bit panicky, and depressed and I told her something that summed that all up because I hope lost my thing. And she totally went off on me, something I really wasn't expecting, especially from her. She did tell me I was pathetic and something else very mean. And I think I retaliated I don't exactly recall. What I said I know I didn't mean, that's all I remember, I was just super pissed. And then I made it my priority to stop it. Because I was going to prove her wrong.

And so I tried, to stop. I really and honestly did, and it lessened a bit, but I couldn't stop, it just became what I can only describe as being an addiction. You have to understand that I was feeling nothing but pure depression. Like imagine the worst time in your life and you being so depressed and feeling so hopeless. I felt like that everyday from the month before 8th grade ended until around the end of December beginning of January. And I could find to make me feel better was the act of cutting myself, it was that one random break in the pitch black clouds in the sky letting a ray of sun graze my skin. I had nothing else.

And if you are thinking "Well, if you believed in God he would have been able to pull you through it." See and that's valid reasoning on your part, the only issue with that, is that I believed in God, I wasn't a hardcore catholic or anything but I believed he existed and I believed that he would help me feel better. I think I would pray if not everyday, every other day begging him to tell me what I did wrong to deserve that and to give me a sign as to how I could redeem myself. And I know that now you're thinking that's why I don't believe in a deity, but once again your assumption isn't completely valid. I have several reason to not believe in him besides my own personal experiences with what I thought was god.

So when band came along it was getting harder and harder to stop mysef from wandering down my thigh to injure myself. And once damn... what's his name... I dunno, I've changed it a million times, Thorium or Bastard, you know who I'm talking about. He saw a wandering cut of mine or he saw a trail of blood go down my leg when we were on the grid. I just remember feeling petrified. No one I was in close contact to knew. And I didn't know how he was going to react, he just told me to stop and walked on. Once again someone who I considered a good friend told me to stop. And this time I really wanted to. I was just afraid of only being shrouded by black afterwards. So I stopped cutting about a month or two later. And I was doing good, but I thought about it all the time. I would get the urge. I wanted that feeling back, but I wasn't willing to betray myself. And I concentrated on academics. Then at the end of that year once again my world fell around me, but I just got so pissed at myself. I cried my way through that entire year. And I was so sick and tired of crying about the fact other people had such an effect on me.

I decided then at the end of the year when I had to break up with my boyfriend at that time that I wouldn't shed another tear because of someone else. I couldn't too many had already fallen. It was time for change and I did. I do think I have lost a bit of myself because of that, but eh.

I cut maybe twice from January to June, I was doing pretty good and that entire summer I think I went with out, or maybe I cut a few times, I'm not sure, but it was because of my own incompetency not for any one else. I would describe my 10th grade year as a hermit. I had no real friends, just aquantices. I just didn't want to trust anyone. I couldn't, it was too much hurt I just couldn't. Around the end of said year is when me and Thorium became closer.

10th grade year could be considered a cutting year. I really made no attempt to not do it I just had lost interest in everything so it would happen every so often. No big deal really I pretty numb that year.

Then last year big drama (as you have read) and I would just cut at random times. I do particularily remember at my Christmas concert I wore this white and black dress with only straps. I was angry pissed sad and numb all in one (odd combo I know) And I grabbed my razor from my own personal (old) hiding place and I totally grabbed the blade and cut my arm, something very odd, but I didn't want to stain the dress. It stung like heck I dabbed off the initial bleeding and I walked out the door not even a minute after. My mother continued to yell at me as I reeled off the initial high. I arrived at the band hall and my mother noticed not a thing. I had a jacket with me because we couldn't wear straps or something stupid like that. I took it off inside though because it was warm in there compared to the cold outside. I sat there and played with a long cut on my arm still bright red from the cut not even 20 minuutes earlier. And no one said a word. Some noticed I could tell by how the glanced at it. I did play with fire just to prove to myself that no one gave a shit. I would keep the said arm down while I spoke only using the right arm and then I would randomly make a large expression with both hands. I did this with several people. No one said a word as I suspected I went out and the jacket was only like a half arm length, and you could see it. It was on my forearm. But no one cared, lol.

I wouldn't do it often mostly because I saw it as a major sign of weakness. But I did it once in a while. I did how ever have a frenzy the second time me and thorium stopped talking. Every time I used the word shiny in my past posts, it's code for razor or cutting my self.

Then it was like... I want it again dammit! And I've decided after watching many videos it will work its self out. And when I'm able to move on I will. I still think about it but I don't do it very often.

Cutting for me is all I have to fall back on. I hate to say it, but it's the only good thing that has been consistent through my years of high school, something i could rely on to always make me happy. I hate it. So if you think I enjoy cutting you are beyond wrong. I enjoy the feeling of relief but I am left with all the shame and disappointment in myself afterwards. I hate it, but it's not easy to stop when you have nothing to fall back on except that.

So there is my rant on that. That was pretty dark, sorry! I totally did not mean it to be so dark though, so to lighten up your mood I will leave you with this too cool for school sun

In your world!

School! Ah, not fun!

So! My schedule used to be Cal, Gov/Eco, Choir, Filler, Band, Filler, Theory.

BUT no! My district couldn't let me be! Now they are forcing me to take an Bio Lab, which is LAME. The only reason I took the class, was because I could only fit 1 period of science in! And now I've been debating whether or not to get out of Online Biology to get out of the Lab. I kinda want my free period back, I really don't need the stress that is connected to that class. This is lame.

The only thing that has stopped me from doing so is that I have a preferred person in my class that other wise I would never be in class with said person. Only thing, and the whole 50 dollar drop fee thing. Ugh! Super lame!

I'm so not stressed though! Which is shocking really. Other that my own like schedule conflicts I'm not dying in any class.

My voice is totally dead today, though. Last night I spoke loudly the entire time and my voice slowly died in the night. I could only speak so loud. I remembered around the end of the football game. Oh yeahk, I forgot to mention it was a football game XD, but yeah, I remembered that I had a region choir camp thing at 9 the following morning til 1 that afternoon. I was like, crap! So this morning I went and my voice was killing me, my range was totally shot after lunch. It was madness! lol.

And now on monday I have to do this region audition thing for the choir directors to decide whether or not we are going to region. Me personally, I don't want to go and I didn't want to do the audition. But the alternative to the audition was singing all three of our pieces for a test grade. So I was basically bullied into it! Lameness. And I have to run and do it right after school so i don't miss any of band practice that would just be really really bad.

As for band, I have no comment. It's just no. Let's not speak of that right now.

Ah! So there is this girl who is in choir that I totally need to become friends with. I will probably elaborate on that later if I do become friends with her.

Oh! Something else I think is note worthy is that all 5 guys in our homecoming court are all my friends and are all AP kids! 2 of which are in band and another who in Choir! All of them are nerds involved in more than just one thing! I thought that was effing awesome! The tides are turning! Muahahaha!

LOL! That's about it.

Oh! And ha I'm informing my bus buddies the last six weeks of this year about things I'm sure they will find shocking maybe slightly surprising. I'm mostly doing it because they've known me forever and just because I think it'll be freaking hilarious!

It's amazing how much one can ramble on about nothing :D