So, I've been thinking of the "bisexual bridge". I identified as bisexual for um... 2 years? give or take. For a bit there I did truly think I was. I was sometimes attracted to males. I knew I liked girls though. My entire life, even now I'm discovering nnew things about myself everyday. Like, remember Rocket Power? Remember that chick on there? I had the biggest crush on the chick. Of course I didn't know that then. But I digress. My bi stage was at one point what I thought, real. There was a point where I realized that I had no interest on guys and I did fight it like no other. I WANTED to like guys. I knew I didn't actually want to be with them, men. But I wanted to still like them. But it was empty. I went to that extent of me basically begging myself to like a guy, Miguel. But that didn't happen I became that person who just played with someone's emotions. It wasn't intentional it was just me kind of like a fish drowning in air. I mean... I was a complete wreck. I'm okay now. I came out to Keonna, Cynthia, and maybe someone else. And that just means I'm completely comfortable with myself and my sexuality. Which is probably why I refused to come out to my friends. I was afraid I would be lying. Or that I wouldn't be able to live with myself because the closest people to me wouldn't accept me. All stupid reasons, but all real emotions and feelings. They all took it well. It's all good. Yup.

I think my cat is dead... I am really fucking sad. I don't really want to think about it especially now. I'm PMSing and this has been an especially annoyingly emotional one. But the saddness is overwhelming when I thin about it. I need to talk about it... but I can;t do that now. I just need someone to know. No one really reads this, so no one will now, but I can pretend that some one knows so it's a load off of my chest... If I tell anyone about it they'll just want me to talk about it. And I can't do that. I don't trust anyone here enough to potentially cry in front of them. ugh. I mean fuckity fuck. Things are heading south and I don't know what to do really. I'm self sabbotaging. And I don't know why. I still haven't gone to go see the school's psychaitrist. I need to. I also need to learn how to spell. Jeez, all those squiggly red lines of disapproval. I keep thinking I'm okay and it's all just in my head and I'm mentally hypochondriacing. I tend to do that, due to lack of confidence of my own individuality. I morph into what I think people will like. There is probably an official word for that. I do it with deppression sometimes. I haven't exactly figured out if it's me trying to plead out to the world that I'm not okay and I can't do it anymore. Or if I'm jsut trying to get others to believe that I'm not okay and I need them to tell me it's okay. I'm still working on that one. But, one moment I'm as okay as someone in my situation can be, and others I'm internally destroying myself. I tear myself apart and there are points where if I knew where my razor was I would be doing it externally. I mean I deal with the, I think about cutting, self harm, or the word cut and immediately I get a major surge of sensation ans sensitivity on my thighs where I used to cut and down my forearm. And for those few seconds that's all I want that sense of just rush of endorphins attacking my body as it tries to cope with the pain it is experiecing. The sick pleasure you get when your body is trying to help you cope with this external pain when you're the one inflicting it on your self because it's the internal pain that you can't fix. I want that again. Those few moments of peace. I want it to be an every second of everyday thing. But at this point I think I can only achieve in solitary through destroying my body. I really wish I knew where my razor was. Because I want that peace. If only for a minute. That glorious minute that seems to last fro ages. The sick pleasure of imagining what would happen if someone would see. Or notice, if those who I know have injured themselves would notice. What they would say or do. Or what they wouldn't say or do. Sorry, just letting you in on my everyday thoughts. It's pretty fucked. Sorry. But I need to say these things.

What ifs

So, I forgot what I was going to say really. Today, I did nothing very important, except I'm forcing myself to learn this étude that is taking me about 5 times the normal amount of time, which pisses me off to the max, and I'm trying to convince myself to go to the counselor tomorrow, so I can set up an appointment to talk to a complete stranger, so they can tell me what thefuck is wrong with me. You know.... I haven't felt excited about anything, or genuine happy about anything in months, maybe years, I can't even remember. When something does happen in which I can feel excited and happy, I go over board, I am a ball of energy for like one to three hours. And then I just go back to neutral me. I can feel angry and sad, sure. But I can't really feel positive, I'm sad a lot of the time, it really sucks. Or I'm in that numbish state. Ivethought a lot about smoking, drinking until I blackout, cutting, drugs, etc. anything that could make me feel positive, even if it is false positives. I mean, really. I'm trying to be level headed, but there are moments when I am so down nothing is getting me out. I went out and bought lighters, I've stolen a cigarette from my roommate and one from her friend. I have them in my drawer, I've almost smoked, almost. But... I didn't I have a lot of self restraint apparently. Which is good and bad. And the reason it is bad, is why I have to go to a psychologist because, it's not healthy to feel this way. I mean, fuck. I thought I was better. But apparently I'm not, even when I was relaxing I couldn't. All of a sudden before I fell asleep during a day during my spring break I thought about rubie. Ha, I remember how to spell it. I was just hit with memory after memory, and my unjustified guilt. That because of my being the weakest link in life, I cause the chain to break, and for her life to have gone spiraling down. I mean, I know some where that it's not my fault, but I can't convince myself otherwise. The what ifs are what kill me. What if I had been gay then, or in the closet. Or even just curious. What if I had the courage to go with my mom to the airport the moment she told me would I be depressed now! Or would have it occurred a lot earlier, would she be happier? Would rubie have a baby boy, have a shit life, and a dying husband? A church who was her family turned against her. Would she have run away. Would she have ever met this guy if I had disrupted her life with a bi curious fling for a few days or weeks,nor months, would I have stayed with rony as long as I did? Would my 'kill count' be existent. All of these what ifs if I weren't a cowards. I knew what I felt. I was turned on my rubie and her advances, I liked it when she touched me, I liked her wanting to be with me and spend I've with me. I liked all of these things, and yet, I couldnt admit to myself that, hey, I like girls. I love girls in fact their touch is so much more than a touch, I feel it. I was happier when she was there, and I was buying into it, her.nif I were more abrasive, I could have kissed her. I might have, if I had more time and I hadn't made some stupid rookie mistakes. I was a silly freshman, but maybe her life would be better, and I wouldn't be so sad. Though the latter is probably an inevitable experience. So many things, so many thoughts, so many regrets. I'm trying to move on. And I was, until these thoughts begin to randomly show up and plague my mind with all these unhappy thoughts. There are a bunch if mistakes in this, I know, I am doing this on an iPad and, swell. I'm just getting used to it, I has wanted an iPad since it was first announced in however many years ago that was now, I want it so bad. And this just makes me want it even more. The typing isn't bad and auto correct isn't shitty. I want an iPad so much, seriously... Anyways. Hopefully I go see the spy holocaust tomorrow. Cross your fingers that I don't chicken out.

Band Director

My goals as a band director is what I'm going to talk about today. I mean. I am struggling to concentrate at school. Mostly because the things I'm not doing I don't deem really significant. I know I'm going to be able to teach once I learn the actual techniques. It's classes like "Teaching Music with Technology" that I don't necessarily think are important. I mean, yeah it's cool learning how to use a smart board. But, let's be honest. I'm NEVER going to use that in my classroom. It's a waste of time in band rehearsal, and there are more efficient ways of teaching music theory. I'd rather use a good old fashioned board and elmo. If I get one in my theory classroom, that's great. If I get a smart board, that would be a waste of money. Seriously. I'd use it but there would be better ways of teaching. I don't see the point of bogging down band with a smart board. You're going to learn, and the start up is a waste of time. I'll write what I need on the board. turning the lights on and off are a waste of time. I see technology as a waste of time. I mean, come on. I love technology I think we all know that. Technology in a high school band setting is not necessary. Unless my band sucks. Like just major balls, then I can see using it. But I strive to making an amazing band, which will now tie into my goals. I strive to have the love and dedication to my group and the selflessness as Mr. Hoskins. I strive to have the heart, bravery, and courage of Mr. Goforth. I strive to have the drive and patience to create an amazing group like Mrs. Martinez. I strive to have the courage to bring and apply my knowledge to a group that will not completely accept the change like Mr. Eck. I strive to have the relationship Mr. Bendorf created with his students. These 5 people are who I would like to become. Everyday I try and analyze what went wrong with all of their styles and how I could correct and combine all of their styles to create a super band. To receive the respect from my students that I will give all of them. To teach my students the morals and life lessons I gained through high school. To teach them all that they are great people and they can do great things and that there is a bigger picture out there. I don't want to just create a great band. I want to help give the world great people who will do great things. After this weekend, I saw a lot of band directors who gave up on their kids who didn't give them the care and nurture that they deserved and that they were by their position, obligated to. A music educators job is to care and teach these kids. Yeah, don't take them home with you, but music makes a difference in people's lives. You take advantage of that fact, you help these students, these kids become the greatest they can become, or at least set them up for success. I am angry that when I try and find a job, I'm not going to find one, because they are all occupied by directors who don't care anymore. I am going to care. I'm always going to care. The moment I stop caring will be the day I die.

Nevermore

I can't decide whether I want a relationship or not right now. I mean, I guess that's easy to think of when there are .0000000000000000000000000000001 chances that I'm going to find someone to be in a relationship in this ridiculously small town. It's so dumb I can barely handle it. However, I can't help but imagine what I would be like in a relationship. What it would be like. Considering the last boyfriend relationship I had was completely fuck and when I was fucking young. Have my 5 years helped me grow to the better or the worse, because I've had some fucked relationships with other individuals since then. I mean damn. I guess we won't find out until I finally fall for someone. And have them fall for me. In other words... never.

Karma is AWESOME. So I apologized for being a dick to this person yesterday. Then later that same day, I found $20 on the floors outside my friends dorm building. If there is a god, he gives me monetary gifts when I man up and apologize to a guy I was being a bitch to. I found $20 dollars and I really needed it. :D

Dear everyone I know. Stop being idiots and realize I'm gay. Please and thank you. I am slightly terrified though. I'm terrified of how my only friends here will take it. I only care about like 5-6 people knowing. Tara, Katie, Julianne, Emma, Olivia, and someone who I can't think of. And it would be slightly devastating if they were homophobes. Ah, fears of officially coming out.