Relationships and such

In light of certain events I have discovered a few things about myself.

I generally don't talk about relationships, I claim to not care that I'm single, I claim that I want a relationship, and I have odd relationships with the people around me.

Now, this is something I probably will never ever ever ever ever admit ever again. I was insanely hurt and possibly even slightly destroyed when Joey and I broke up. I'd say don't think too much into that like I haven't been, but it was a very hard thing and it tipped me off the cliff. In a sense that I was tired of shit.

The reason I haven't tried to be in a relationship is because I'm scared as hell to do that again. Being in a relationship means I'm devoting myself to this one person, I'm indulging my mind and soul with this person and I'm not at all ready for that, but I don't want anything less than that really.

I'm scared to love someone because I've only been let down and destroyed whenever I get to that point in any relationship, whether with a friend or a romantic one. I'm scared out of mind to do that.

I'm completely comfortable with myself I have no issue throwing myself out there my ego and esteem will not be terribly hurt by rejection, but the acceptance is what scares me. Someone liking me enough to get to know me, to talk to me, to want to be in a relationship. I'm fucking terrified.

I'm slowly getting there but all that is running through my mind as I inch closer to getting there is, what if we do get close, what if I do begin to like you, what if I end up falling head over heels for you? What will happen when we break up, will it be a bad break up? Will it utterly destroy me? Will I hear any of the three words that are not I love you. What if they do love me? What if I can't be what they deserve, what if I have to let them go to find things that are better, will I be able to do that? And if I can what will I do to cope with that earth shattering break in my world?

I can only think of all the negative after the positive. That is certainly not a good thing!

I am terrified of not the relationship, but the impending doom upon the relationship. I know you have to go through a few people before you find the person you will spend the rest of your life with, but man, I don't know.

Was that what that dream so many nights ago meant? I'm not ready for a serious relationship? I'm not even close to one though?

I really don't know, but I do know I'm fucking terrified of moving on, fucking terrified.

I would say more, but I am sick and sleepy and I don't know what secrets I would spill if I kept going, so I will truncate this message he-