Agh, I swear I think he knows that I can’t help but like him. No matter what he does he’s irresistible. F my life mayn.

I really really don’t want to. Trust me I really am trying. But fuck man. Have you ever seen that one person that you would like drop everything for?

He’s like a celebrity crush. But I know him and I can touch him.

FUCK.

Okay, getting my mind off of it.

Off of it…………………….

Fuck.

Anyways, shit.

Okay, this time for real.

 

So I can switch singing The Beatles songs mid way through a word. I say that’s pretty awesome. As long as I can remember the song I can just go into the other song.

 

Today was draw a heart on your wrist day. I totally did it, and then while I was doing an awesome and epic thing my ID badge murdered my wrist across my hear, barely missing the ‘love’ Gil write inside the heart (representing the ‘To Write Love On Her Arms’ because he wrote ‘Love’ on my arm, hahaha…)

It did some damage though, it was pretty shocking, well at least to me. Thank good ol’ Zeus for making the perfectly parallel, if not, I would be a complete basket case. Ever since my self injury I have had a weird OCD thing about having my cuts in a certain way, other wise I need to fix it (and by fix of course I mean punish myself for being so stupid, even if it isn’t my fault), eh, who am I kidding I am a basket case. Just an old nutter I am.

For anyone who wants to feel completely awesome at playing any video game ever at all, go watch Tobuscus do a walk through for anything. Especially COD Black ops, or assasins creed 2. He will make you feel like a complete pro. Even if you’ve never played the game before. And, he’s not boring. You will be unable to hate his epic fails!

He will also make your day, like his Literal Translation of Assassins Creed 2 trailer. It’s pretty epic.

Some things I’ve grown to hate.

Those girls who always give you the look. No, not that look. That look when you are interested in someone, the one where they are bashful yet confident. That stupid stupid look. A girl in my choir class, some one who I quite enjoy, she is a fun kid, she’s a sophomore(half reminds me of me at that age), and I don’t think she realizes what she is doing.

She stands behind me, so when I talk to her to look at her she gives me that stupid look. It’s getting frustrating, because the first think you think when you see the look is ooo, and then I remember and I’m like FUUU.

It’s getting annoying, stupid sophomores, maybe it’s her unknown feelings but idgaf, it’s getting annoying.

The people in the hallway, those bitches who stare at you as you walk down the hall. Not those look up glance look away at someone else, no it’s the I am going to stare at you until I can’t see you anymore. Bitch, if you have a problem with me come and talk to me like a brave ass hole not like a bitch.

There are some more, but jesus. The first one just gets on my nerves, like CONTROL YOURSELF. Why do I always attract the religion loving people? At least this one is a more liberal believer.

 

So, as I’m browsing Tumblr, I follow this L Word blog, and today is the Marina day.

Now, if you didn’t read that rant about how much I love Marina, let me recap.

I FUCKING LOVE MARINA!

Like, if I ever have any doubt that I am gay, I just go back and look at Marina, or just imagine her, you know, whatever. I will remember her sultry looks, those eyes that just unffff, those perfect lips, those eyebrows that make her eyes look so much more hnngggg, and last and certainly the best attribute she has, her accent. Looking at her is not enough. You must listen to her accent. It makes me melt into a pool of putty every time.

Now, I’ll be the first to admit Marina is a bitch that destroyed Jenny, but you can only hate her so much. Your hate just lessens the moment she speaks.

 

Yeah! I’m done with that rant. I don’t think I had a point to that, I just wanted to let you know.

 

Now, it is also Carmen day! Okay, who am I kidding? Everyday is Carmen day!

If you have never seen Carmen de la Pica Morales you should. Shane was a DAMN FOOL. Stupid actress having other things to do. We still love you though!

Carmen, oh dear lord, she is like the ultimate hnggg. Marina is legendary, but Carmen is like a goddess.

She is Mexican so amazingly beautifully tan, once again her eyes display every emotion very clearly, when she is sad you just die on the inside. She may be a fictional character, but that actress is genius. You may wonder why I don’t call them by name, WELL I don’t want to google them and find out they are straight, it’s a bit devastating.

You can google them! Carmen will probably pop up immediately and Marina as long as you write L word, she’ll pop up.

 

Then of course there is my 3rd favorite. Helena Peabody. Dear lord I fucking hated her to begin with, but it’s because of how the plot of the show included her, of course after she broke up with Tina, I fucking loved her. Not only does she have the most delectable eyes to ever exist in this world, her hair extenuates her beautiful face, and also she has the most adorable accent and naïve air around her. She is English I believe and unfff. Helena Peabody my 3rd favorite. She is the fucking bomb, I don’t care what anyone says.

 

All in all? These are my 3 favorite people to exist in The L Word.

 

My top ‘I wish liked women’ list will be coming soon!

Trust me, I have several.

Today!

I’m not in a total mood to write this, I will do it however.

Forgive any typos, grammatical mistakes, syntax errors, and diction errors, I am just not feeling the typing thing.

Today. I felt like utter shit because of things that happened last night. So I didn’t go to school.

Today, coincidentally, was also my birthday.

So after a long discussion about financial aid and needing money, we decided to go to the bank and see things about student loans and such.

So then, I went we talked to the guy. I applied for a credit card and if I get approved (because you know how iffy things get when you have no credit score, sorry the guy pissed me off after saying it a million times) I’ll have a credit card. I got a debit card, a checking account, and a savings account.

Also, my license expired today. So I need to go get that. I also need to wait for my glasses however. That’s pretty much all.

Yeah

So I don’t want to log out of my Youtube Account which is different than my this blog account so I can just post this on my private blog.

Unless you want to read about my dirty night which includes my thoughts on the almost sex I had and drinking which led to me throwing up, I would say you should just completely ignore this post.

I will update you guys on my serious birthday and what I did and shiz in another post, however this will not be that post.

So If you don’t want to read about my dirty night stop reading riiigggghhhtttttt now.

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So! Yeah. Last night was interesting. So R has been bothering me for months about coming over and hanging out. I’ve been rejecting him due to many reasons, most because I don’t want to have sex.

Now, I might ask, why wouldn’t you want to have sex? That’s like a paradox. I know, I know.

To be totally honest I don’t know why I don’t want to have sex. Something in me is becoming all moral and shit I guess. I mean, sex=good. sex=awesome, sex=feeling good and awesome.

Why wouldn’t you want to feel good? Good question.. But something just told me no. Don’t do it, I don’t care if you are horny and sexually frustrated as fuck.

Now, when I have sex, at least at this age, who knows what it’ll be like when I’m older. But when I am so insanely horny and sex is like right there on top of me touching, every single touch just turns me on. No lie. Just touch me anywhere and it will just continue to get me more more turned on. Which really sucks when you’re saying no.

Really sucks.

So R was going to give me a ride somewhere today, so I decided I shouldn’t cancel on him like usual, so I let him come over.

He was bringing over some vodka and we sat there talked and he gave me a few shots. Yeah, first taste of vodka, I just straight took it in one shot. Not too bad. Smells a lot more like rubbing alcohol then I thought it would.

Nothing too strong but it sure got me buzzed after like 5 shots.

I’m assuming, no I know, he was trying to get me more loose so I would be willing to fuck.

Unfortunately for him I am a very conscience person.

It just really sucked because my body didn’t want to cooperate with me. It wouldn’t say no. Everything he did got a reaction out of me. (BTW lip bitter FTW) I diligently stayed with, no. As much as my body hated me for it.

After like the 4th shot I had to really think. What can I do to get him to stop. Considering he had rolled me on top of him and my body being stupid, stupid stupid teenage hormones, had me fighting so fucking hard to not grind into him or do anything else in that manner.

I decided my best option was to just have him be satisfied, because naturally, him being a guy he wouldn’t fight too hard after cumming to do anything to me.

So after the 5th shot I still fought him and I was like fuck it, he had lost all resolve on having sex with me, but he had been hard since he pretty much walked into my room.

So I just gave into my sexual urges and I pretty much attacked him. I couldn’t help it. I was so fucking horny, he had pushed every right button, and I really wanted to fuck something. But I didn’t. I just gave him head and him being really easy to make cum when being given head. The entire end process took like two minutes. I tried playing, but I just wanted him to stop touching me before I did something I wanted but didn’t want.

It was annoying. Being buzzed however was interesting. I’ve never been close to that. Because I just don’t really drink.

I had however eaten a fuckk load because my mother decided I was a bottomless pit like my dad and fed me everything and more. So I was feeling a bit sick even before I started drinking, and the alcohol did not help anything going on in my stomach.

So after he left. I stood up and I felt a bit queasy along with tipsy and sleepy, it was like 12:30a.m. by this time.

I went to the bathroom and upchucked for like a minute. And after thinking I was okay I went to go relax and settle my stomach. Well I wasn’t and I ran back to the bathroom threw up some more, and I felt that there was like a little left in my stomach but I couldn’t anymore, I was just no. So I went to bed after settling my stomach.

So I wake up feeling like shit today, monday, and I am like. FUUUU. School!

But I couldn’t I felt like utter shit. I threw up the remnants of the morning and I just couldn’t settle my stomach. So, my mom was all pissy about me just sitting there with my head in the bowl, I guess she thought I was faking it or something. And then after I threw up she was like ugh. Okay.

So I am like done throwing up, but I still feel not good.

I told my mom I wasn’t doing anything important today. I mean, I think what else was making me feel sick was seeing Cory. But, I just couldn’t. His funeral service was today and his burial. I guess that effected me more than I thought possible.

So yeah. I stayed home today, my birthday because I felt like crap. But I got some shit done, as you will see in my next post if you made it this far.

I tried to not go into much detail, considering this is public, though I told you what to expect. Sorry for my laziness!

OMG

I am a horrible person!!! I forgot Friday was Day of Silence.

FFFFUUUUUUU

I can’t believe I forgot.

My mind was on other things and I was trying to avoid Facebook like the plague.

On Thursday I was a bit more talkative than usual because I wanted to not think about death and such.

Sometimes, no. I always wish I weren’t such a naturally depressed person.

I wish that when something bad happened I wouldn’t instantly do everything to feel sad. Because it’s the only emotion I can do well, it’s the one thing that makes me feel.

Happiness is great and all, but I don’t feel it. It' doesn’t soak through my being and stay there from sun up to sun down for months.

Depression does, being so unbelievably sad does. It will stick to you like a tick. I know it will always be there, it’s a sick and twisted blanket.

So, whenever I know something has the potential to bring me down I have to fight through my instincts to go with it and throw things on top of it that will make me sink faster and lower. It’s something I always have to do.

When I found out that I knew Cory I tried to figure out why he would do it. And I thought about my own struggle with depression and when I was contemplating suicide on a daily basis and how I had no one to talk to and if I had killed myself no one would have known why. I wouldn’t know why either, it would have been because life looked like it would never get better.

I makes me insanely sad that he felt that way. I hate that anyone ever feels that way,, the way I’ve felt, worse than I’ve ever felt. Wanting to die because you have no hope if the worst feeling in the world. It hurts me personally to know I don’t know how to help anyone feeling that way.

Depression is just a horrible feeling and that’s why so many hurt so much when people make fun of them, or when they themselves make fun of it because understanding it is just close to impossible. You can half  imagine the internal pain.

Now, add depression to people not understanding you?

Yeah, it just sucks.

May you lay in rest Cory.

I hate it when my heart hurts. It’s not painful. Well yeah it is, but not a physical pain. It’s like a hopeless loss happiness, like it is yearning to do something to help something or someone so hard but it is confined in it’s little chamber and it just is swelling in pain trying to get me to do something even though it knows I can’t do anything either.

I hate that feeling. I really can’t stand it.

So many thoughts are roaming through my mind and I know they are so stupid they are so idiotic What else do I have to think though?

I don’t know how to make someone feel better about the future when my own thoughts on life are so depressing.

I see no point in life, we are born to die. We are trained to feel more pain then love. The only reason we keep going is because we have goals that are our check points. We live mindlessly until we maybe find something to be the sole reason we want to keep living.

Ah, life.

 

In other news! I turn 18 on Monday.

The thing I’m most excited for? Not having to lie about my birthday on gaming websites.

There’s not really anything else you can do once you turn 18.

Yeah. That’s my report for the day and probably weekend!

R.I.P. Cory

Thursday I found out someone I knew died. Or more specifically killed himself.

I didn’t know him well I talked to him once joked around many more times. He was always joking always laughing and smiling, I don’t think I ever saw him unhappy.

I know you never know someone, but I just wasn’t expecting it from him. I just wasn’t.

He was in choir, not mine specifically but he was in it, and I met him at region actually.

He was in my choir family, and even though I’ve only been there a year, it really feels like a family and I feel everyone’s pain.

He was a great kid and only a sophomore.

I sat in 3rd period yesterday bawling with the rest of my family. The counselor came to talk to us and everyone just broke down. We sang a song in his honor and we prayed for him and we sat in silence.

It was a very intense unhappy day all in all.

He was a great guy. I really wished I got to know him better. Now, I’m going to get to know everyone I know.

It’s just very sad that a friend, a brother, a singer has decided this life wasn’t his to live.

Rest in Peace Cory Weisinger, we all miss you and we all hope you are finding heaven to be better than you found this life.