What ifs

So, I forgot what I was going to say really. Today, I did nothing very important, except I'm forcing myself to learn this étude that is taking me about 5 times the normal amount of time, which pisses me off to the max, and I'm trying to convince myself to go to the counselor tomorrow, so I can set up an appointment to talk to a complete stranger, so they can tell me what thefuck is wrong with me. You know.... I haven't felt excited about anything, or genuine happy about anything in months, maybe years, I can't even remember. When something does happen in which I can feel excited and happy, I go over board, I am a ball of energy for like one to three hours. And then I just go back to neutral me. I can feel angry and sad, sure. But I can't really feel positive, I'm sad a lot of the time, it really sucks. Or I'm in that numbish state. Ivethought a lot about smoking, drinking until I blackout, cutting, drugs, etc. anything that could make me feel positive, even if it is false positives. I mean, really. I'm trying to be level headed, but there are moments when I am so down nothing is getting me out. I went out and bought lighters, I've stolen a cigarette from my roommate and one from her friend. I have them in my drawer, I've almost smoked, almost. But... I didn't I have a lot of self restraint apparently. Which is good and bad. And the reason it is bad, is why I have to go to a psychologist because, it's not healthy to feel this way. I mean, fuck. I thought I was better. But apparently I'm not, even when I was relaxing I couldn't. All of a sudden before I fell asleep during a day during my spring break I thought about rubie. Ha, I remember how to spell it. I was just hit with memory after memory, and my unjustified guilt. That because of my being the weakest link in life, I cause the chain to break, and for her life to have gone spiraling down. I mean, I know some where that it's not my fault, but I can't convince myself otherwise. The what ifs are what kill me. What if I had been gay then, or in the closet. Or even just curious. What if I had the courage to go with my mom to the airport the moment she told me would I be depressed now! Or would have it occurred a lot earlier, would she be happier? Would rubie have a baby boy, have a shit life, and a dying husband? A church who was her family turned against her. Would she have run away. Would she have ever met this guy if I had disrupted her life with a bi curious fling for a few days or weeks,nor months, would I have stayed with rony as long as I did? Would my 'kill count' be existent. All of these what ifs if I weren't a cowards. I knew what I felt. I was turned on my rubie and her advances, I liked it when she touched me, I liked her wanting to be with me and spend I've with me. I liked all of these things, and yet, I couldnt admit to myself that, hey, I like girls. I love girls in fact their touch is so much more than a touch, I feel it. I was happier when she was there, and I was buying into it, her.nif I were more abrasive, I could have kissed her. I might have, if I had more time and I hadn't made some stupid rookie mistakes. I was a silly freshman, but maybe her life would be better, and I wouldn't be so sad. Though the latter is probably an inevitable experience. So many things, so many thoughts, so many regrets. I'm trying to move on. And I was, until these thoughts begin to randomly show up and plague my mind with all these unhappy thoughts. There are a bunch if mistakes in this, I know, I am doing this on an iPad and, swell. I'm just getting used to it, I has wanted an iPad since it was first announced in however many years ago that was now, I want it so bad. And this just makes me want it even more. The typing isn't bad and auto correct isn't shitty. I want an iPad so much, seriously... Anyways. Hopefully I go see the spy holocaust tomorrow. Cross your fingers that I don't chicken out.