So I finally figured out why I was so angry and depressed when me and Thorium, I know SUPER late. But at least I figured it out! It's actually because I knew it would happen, that's such a horrible thing to say, but it's true! I knew that he would hurt me in some way. One, because every male that has ever mattered to me in life has hurt me in some way, two, because every best friends I had ever had has hurt me in some way shape or form, three because I let myself trust him entirely and I knew I was going to regret it, I'm pretty sure I even wrote in here that I would regret it. It was a risk I was willing to take but like they say what goes up must come down.
So that was my epiphany of the day :D
Since I can't exactly post this survey on Myspace or facebook, I've decided that this is my appropriate place to post it lol! It's just a random survey that was on WGLG board on gURL, so yup.
1. Are you a lesbian or bi sexual? A straight up bi :D
2. When did you realize that you liked girls? Like almost a year ago, basically I've always known, just like a thing in the back of my head, but the front always said it wasn't right, until I've decided that I'm my own person, and I believe what I want to believe and do what I want to do.
3. Have you ever had sex with a girl? Nah.
4. Do you have a girlfriend? Nope.
5. If you said No, do you want a girlfriend? Nah, if it happens okay if it doesn't I really don't care. If you've ever watched Bones my beliefs are like Temperance's
6. Whats your favorite body part on girls? Can I just say the entire thing? lol, if I HAD to choose I'd say curves.
7. What kind of girls do you usually go for (ex: gothic,preppy ect..)? Hm... I don't really know, I don't think I have a type.
8. Who do you think the hottest girl celebrity is? Angelina Jolie even at her age she's still got it XD and Lacey Schwimmer.
9. What turns you on most about girls? rofl, let's omit this question.
So that's that :P
Okay, so this has been bothering me for about a week or so now, I have really really really felt the urge to mark myself. Like I mean, I found shiny early last week and I enclosed it in the SD card holder so it's a burden to get to it, not really but eh. I honestly don't know what has been stopping me from doing it. I want to, like really badly, but I can't make myself do it. Actually I don't even take it out because I'm pretty sure if I did I would do it. I haven't marked in forever! And I guess I'm happy about it, I guess, but it's like this. You know how when you're craving like barbecue or something savory that you can basically taste it and your being wants to have some? Well, it's like that but I can feel the areas I would have normally marked on just tingling and yelling at me to relieve it. I don't know it's so weird. The one thing I REALLY hate it that whenever I some one mentions it or even says the word cut I just feel it. I HATE it, you guys probably wouldn't know but people say that word A LOT. When ever I end up on the C&SMR board it takes me awhile to read someone who has relapsed's post because it like full blown tingle through out my body! I'd like to say this is new, but it's not. Ever since I have calmed down and not marked because I 'needed' it, I've felt the tingle, I'm sure I did before that, but I actually just succumbed and marked. It's stupid I know, I can't help it, it's one of those things you can't really get rid of, just ignore.
Oh! Another thing to rant about, is there like no gaming girls on gURL! All the games they talk about on there are lame! No one talks about KH, wet, oblivion, final fantasy, hell! not even WOW, I mean seriously! They talk about lame MMO's too! I saw a thread about a hello kitty mmo, I mean, I have no problem with that but come on! Let's balance it out with kick ass games! I mean there is a world of games out there and they only talk about their Sims issues! Okay I get it, now just go and google it because no one is ever on that board to help you out! Okay I'm done.
Now I'm going to take a shower and watch Avatar, then sleep, wake up tomorrow and hang out with amigos! yay!
Monday, May 31, 2010
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Memorial Day weekend.
I hate my father. Plain and Simple.
Yesterday was an interestingly boring day. I've blown off Mai this entire week, mostly because I've been in a foul sour mood. No mood for teaching a young moody teenager! So I went home early almost the entire week. And now finals are coming and I'm exempt from them all!!! Yay! I'm looking forward to relaxing with friends on Tuesday and before I leave on Wednesday. I was going to go to my friends gathering at the movies yesterday, but it was late, but since my dad was here I could have gone. BUT, I fell asleep around 8:30 ish and I was planning on leaving around 9:30, but my mother decided that she would wake me at 10:05(when the movie STARTED) to tell me if I was still going to go. No what yo guys don't know about my mother is that she walks into my room periodically once I get home to see if I'm 'awake' Every hour or less, and yesterday she decided to come and check on me when I told her the movie started. She totally was a bitch about it. I just went to bed after I sent my friend a text telling her I couldn't go, I was pissed which is why I slept before I did something stupid, which I tend to do a lot.
I was angry this morning but I did that whole, read some fanfiction that I've been craving thing and I'm calm now. Just as long as my parents don't speak for me for the next few hours.
AH! 3 day weekend! I'm going to clean my room well all the paper crap from colleges and boarding schools I have laying around and place my wine in a safer place and I'll be able to have a relaxing summer when I get home, that is. Have I told you that I have basically no summer? or next no, that's too much to count, I don't have a life basically until the second week of November. I'm telling you, I bet the people who work at very demanding jobs were in marching band (drumline, colorguard, pit, marcher, etc.) because You really have to be dedicated, considering you don't get paid, I did the math, it's like 160 hours in the last week of July and The first 3 weeks of August(Mon-Friday). For no pay, not counting the during school practices, honestly it feels like double that when you are out there in the blazing Houston sun. It really feels like hell, but it's worth it in the end.
Don't you guys hate it when your parent's words hurt more than anything else? I sure as hell do.
Lol, Technetium and me have talked A LOT today, I bugged her a lot XD I got her mad though! I said something about something and she got 'angry'. She's been out of it though, so I rather liked the spark in emotion! And it still bother her that I don't think she's hot, and apparently I owe her a present! According to her at least!
So I'm hanging out with all my friends on Tuesday, I kind of want a melting pot of them all because it is the last day of our junior year together. The next day I'm going to Mexico at 11 a.m. (And I am sooo scared, like I'm not even kidding I really am scared). Ah! I'm terrified. lol
So I have a bottle of wine hidden in my room. I have had it for a while now. Since last weekend. But I haven't opened it. I kind of really want it. I haven't opened it one, because I couldn't find my bottle opener, two, I couldn't really bring myself to open it. I'm not really sure why actually. I think I might be afraid of drinking too much and letting it affect my brain, and I mean alcohol is a depressor, and I haven't been that happy lately, I'm not sure why and my mood has fallen either. Eh, I'm sure it'll go up in a few days. That and my father's family is full of drunks, happy and angry drunks, so I guess I'm afraid of that. Since I don't really know my limit, though I doubt I'm a light weight. I'm so out of it I swear.
So I bought Finale Notepad with my mother's credit card, why? To get my revenge from last night, I've done worse under her roof, I mean I have a bottle of wine in my room!
I read this great fanfiction this morning that was really amazing, it really makes you look at your own life. So I cleaned my room and distracted myself with busy work. One, because I hate thinking about my life, with it's stupid decisions or boring non-eventful crap or beyond stupid decisions that won't seem to go away. So I like to think about my future where I hope to leave that shell behind and create a new life.
Ack! I don't know about my future. I know where I want to go and what I want to do, but I'm terrified about the entire journey, I mean I'm going to be a GROWN-UP! That responsibility is killer, I'm going to have BILLS, I'm going to have to WORK, I don't know how I'll do it. I think I'm like a caged tiger ready to attack the world. I'm going to go to a school with rich people, and you know that they are crazy partiers and I'm going to be tempted. I'm going to be soo irresponsible I already know, I just hope I have a good friend that will help me out. I kind of have the feeling I'm going to be that person that goes crazy and never study's but still gets a near perfect grade. I absorb information about things I care about,, like music theory, I've never studied, except auditory things, but that's because I don't have a good ear for notes. Other than that if I pay attention in class or read it I'll absorb it. Except history that doesn't matter to me. Like I remember a lot about Tchaikovsky's life and I looked him up for my hero project like a month ago. I still remember facts about things I liked or that mattered in my mind. I hope so at least, because yeah, I have a feeling all this repression is going to be crazy to me when I get my freedom.
So yeah, that's all I have to say.
Yesterday was an interestingly boring day. I've blown off Mai this entire week, mostly because I've been in a foul sour mood. No mood for teaching a young moody teenager! So I went home early almost the entire week. And now finals are coming and I'm exempt from them all!!! Yay! I'm looking forward to relaxing with friends on Tuesday and before I leave on Wednesday. I was going to go to my friends gathering at the movies yesterday, but it was late, but since my dad was here I could have gone. BUT, I fell asleep around 8:30 ish and I was planning on leaving around 9:30, but my mother decided that she would wake me at 10:05(when the movie STARTED) to tell me if I was still going to go. No what yo guys don't know about my mother is that she walks into my room periodically once I get home to see if I'm 'awake' Every hour or less, and yesterday she decided to come and check on me when I told her the movie started. She totally was a bitch about it. I just went to bed after I sent my friend a text telling her I couldn't go, I was pissed which is why I slept before I did something stupid, which I tend to do a lot.
I was angry this morning but I did that whole, read some fanfiction that I've been craving thing and I'm calm now. Just as long as my parents don't speak for me for the next few hours.
AH! 3 day weekend! I'm going to clean my room well all the paper crap from colleges and boarding schools I have laying around and place my wine in a safer place and I'll be able to have a relaxing summer when I get home, that is. Have I told you that I have basically no summer? or next no, that's too much to count, I don't have a life basically until the second week of November. I'm telling you, I bet the people who work at very demanding jobs were in marching band (drumline, colorguard, pit, marcher, etc.) because You really have to be dedicated, considering you don't get paid, I did the math, it's like 160 hours in the last week of July and The first 3 weeks of August(Mon-Friday). For no pay, not counting the during school practices, honestly it feels like double that when you are out there in the blazing Houston sun. It really feels like hell, but it's worth it in the end.
Don't you guys hate it when your parent's words hurt more than anything else? I sure as hell do.
Lol, Technetium and me have talked A LOT today, I bugged her a lot XD I got her mad though! I said something about something and she got 'angry'. She's been out of it though, so I rather liked the spark in emotion! And it still bother her that I don't think she's hot, and apparently I owe her a present! According to her at least!
So I'm hanging out with all my friends on Tuesday, I kind of want a melting pot of them all because it is the last day of our junior year together. The next day I'm going to Mexico at 11 a.m. (And I am sooo scared, like I'm not even kidding I really am scared). Ah! I'm terrified. lol
So I have a bottle of wine hidden in my room. I have had it for a while now. Since last weekend. But I haven't opened it. I kind of really want it. I haven't opened it one, because I couldn't find my bottle opener, two, I couldn't really bring myself to open it. I'm not really sure why actually. I think I might be afraid of drinking too much and letting it affect my brain, and I mean alcohol is a depressor, and I haven't been that happy lately, I'm not sure why and my mood has fallen either. Eh, I'm sure it'll go up in a few days. That and my father's family is full of drunks, happy and angry drunks, so I guess I'm afraid of that. Since I don't really know my limit, though I doubt I'm a light weight. I'm so out of it I swear.
So I bought Finale Notepad with my mother's credit card, why? To get my revenge from last night, I've done worse under her roof, I mean I have a bottle of wine in my room!
I read this great fanfiction this morning that was really amazing, it really makes you look at your own life. So I cleaned my room and distracted myself with busy work. One, because I hate thinking about my life, with it's stupid decisions or boring non-eventful crap or beyond stupid decisions that won't seem to go away. So I like to think about my future where I hope to leave that shell behind and create a new life.
Ack! I don't know about my future. I know where I want to go and what I want to do, but I'm terrified about the entire journey, I mean I'm going to be a GROWN-UP! That responsibility is killer, I'm going to have BILLS, I'm going to have to WORK, I don't know how I'll do it. I think I'm like a caged tiger ready to attack the world. I'm going to go to a school with rich people, and you know that they are crazy partiers and I'm going to be tempted. I'm going to be soo irresponsible I already know, I just hope I have a good friend that will help me out. I kind of have the feeling I'm going to be that person that goes crazy and never study's but still gets a near perfect grade. I absorb information about things I care about,, like music theory, I've never studied, except auditory things, but that's because I don't have a good ear for notes. Other than that if I pay attention in class or read it I'll absorb it. Except history that doesn't matter to me. Like I remember a lot about Tchaikovsky's life and I looked him up for my hero project like a month ago. I still remember facts about things I liked or that mattered in my mind. I hope so at least, because yeah, I have a feeling all this repression is going to be crazy to me when I get my freedom.
So yeah, that's all I have to say.
Monday, May 24, 2010
Cherry Bomb!
Okay so last time I posted I was starving ( I swear my mother walked outside to go to the car I was drinking water(my only saving grace at the time) and I saw she was gone and I grabbed on of my dads cheese cheetos and I tried to shove them down my mouth, like it was always described, yeah, I can't do that. Rofl, I almost choked, I sufficed with eating them one by one. I only made it through like 1/4 of the bag (the cheap little 30 cent bags) and it lasted me, it took my mother 3 hours to cut her hair! Rofl! I almost died completely on the inside, then I drove home and mother bitched at me the whole way there, she spent THREE hours laughing with her friend while I sat there trying not to steal the keys and drive home, and SHE bitched at me, swear I could have swerved and killed her on that 10 minute drive home.
And, let's see about fish. She is relatively short, her hair is black she cut it to her neck, it's curly and pretty messy that day, I blame the wind and sun! She is curvaceous, she seems dedicated and friendly. She had colored contacts on I think, I'm not sure I didn't get close enough to see. And idk I was just like ooo. Rofl.
Okay, and since I have been gilring it up, I guess I'll have to talk about a guy. Hm... Idk, I don't really like a guy at the moment I usually do, I mean yeah, I like Holmium, but eh, idk. You guys really don't know this, but I go through liking people pretty fast, which is why it's very surprising when I like one for more than a couple of months. Like, what was her name... Dysprosium I believe. Ah! I have a story about her, but I'm thinking of a guy. I do like one, but I would prefer not to speak about him on here XD Let's see, give me a bit I really don't like any of them. They either aren't my type, or they are jerks, or they aren't attractive. I do like guys about the same if not more than girls, so just because I rave about girls means nothing, it's only because I haven't been free to like them for that long, I'm barely creeping in on a year. I will talk about guys! But later! Considering it's easier to talk to my friends about guys then girls, so I usually don't have much to say about guys.
Okay, so Dysprosium! Today we didn't do anything in band right? So we just talked a lot. I was actually not liking her as much anymore, I tend to not think that way near her XD I feel like a guy when I think about that type of thing XD But today I couldn't help it. She was wearing this skin tight shirt which I try not to notice, and I was going to tickle her just for the hell of it, she had her back to me so I was going to sneak up on her, I honesly don't know where she was tickles so I just tried. I hit it the first time! I just didn't notice where I hit! It was a fast thing! So then later on I tried again, but I tried to tickle her sides! Total fail I tried it like 5 times total fail but at one point I couldn't help but notice the curves on this girl XDDDD considering I was sneaking up on her! I really really really REALLY had to resist the urge to like grab her from behind XD Man, I understand why guys fight over girls now! Lol, but yeah it was fun because I threatened to tickle her entire body until I found the ticklish spot! One, I was really frustrated because I couldn't find it two, I couldn't resist! That sounds so girl loving, but honestly! It was like having a guy with a totally fit body at your disposal to touch! So I did try to tickle up and down her sides XD It turns out her stomach is ticklish! She said so! I sneaked up behind her before she left and tickled her stomach, she squeaked XD
So ANYWAYS, Technetium was upset because she found out I'm not attracted to her XD
I can't help it! Sorry! I could try but I can't help it! It a natural thing that just goes that way. Plus, you're way too much of a friend for me to like you. I mean yeah, you are pretty, but just not my cup of tea I guess! She found out today, she asked! I thought it was kind of funny actually! Did I drop hints or something? Or did you just assume? I don't know what she thought! I don't think I suggested it in any way but eh.
I was in a surprisingly not great mood today, I'm not very sure why, but I just felt cranky. Who knows, it's probably because I haven't played my flute and because it's been stupid hot lately, in the 90's all week, I hate it T.T
I tried not to let it affect me, but eh, there's only so much one can do.
So I found out why Thorium has been sour today! His new cat ran away, granted he gave it a gay name, but I'll give it to him. I was sad when my cat ran away, but I wasn't a bitch or a bastard and blamed everyone for stupid things. What ever, I feel for him though and I guess it's sort of an excuse. I just try not to blame people for things they had no hand in. I know I'm very judgmental of him, but it's only because I know he can be better than that. I've witnessed it, he has been better than that and he will eventually grow into the person I know he can be, but for the moment he is just too caught up in himself.
They are offering AP Bio online now! So they can't bitch at me for not having a science now! Yay! I could take english online, and I would! But AP Music Theory would still be 7th period, and Chemistry would still be 6th and 7th. Stupid school!
I am beyond happy! I got my period today, and that's all I have to say about that.
I'm exempt from all my tests!!! Yay! No finals for me! The only good thing about TAKS I swear! (My state testing)
I am sooo sleeping this summer! Well... when I can... I am leaving for Mexico next Wednesday to go visit family and I'm coming back on that Sunday. I am so TERRIFIED!!! I am devising a plan to be able to hide my valuables in a secret spot that no one can see! Because I'm visiting the border, and yeah... that's the worst part of Mexico and the U.S. at the moment. I am scared, but I still want to go. I'm going to have a hell of a time working out this summer. I'm going to be tired! My days will end around 4 everyday day except the weekend. And knowing my parents, they'll drag me out of the house for no real reason! If they want new food let me cook! Buy my ingredients and I'll cook! Jesus mayn!
That's about it really! Bye!
And, let's see about fish. She is relatively short, her hair is black she cut it to her neck, it's curly and pretty messy that day, I blame the wind and sun! She is curvaceous, she seems dedicated and friendly. She had colored contacts on I think, I'm not sure I didn't get close enough to see. And idk I was just like ooo. Rofl.
Okay, and since I have been gilring it up, I guess I'll have to talk about a guy. Hm... Idk, I don't really like a guy at the moment I usually do, I mean yeah, I like Holmium, but eh, idk. You guys really don't know this, but I go through liking people pretty fast, which is why it's very surprising when I like one for more than a couple of months. Like, what was her name... Dysprosium I believe. Ah! I have a story about her, but I'm thinking of a guy. I do like one, but I would prefer not to speak about him on here XD Let's see, give me a bit I really don't like any of them. They either aren't my type, or they are jerks, or they aren't attractive. I do like guys about the same if not more than girls, so just because I rave about girls means nothing, it's only because I haven't been free to like them for that long, I'm barely creeping in on a year. I will talk about guys! But later! Considering it's easier to talk to my friends about guys then girls, so I usually don't have much to say about guys.
Okay, so Dysprosium! Today we didn't do anything in band right? So we just talked a lot. I was actually not liking her as much anymore, I tend to not think that way near her XD I feel like a guy when I think about that type of thing XD But today I couldn't help it. She was wearing this skin tight shirt which I try not to notice, and I was going to tickle her just for the hell of it, she had her back to me so I was going to sneak up on her, I honesly don't know where she was tickles so I just tried. I hit it the first time! I just didn't notice where I hit! It was a fast thing! So then later on I tried again, but I tried to tickle her sides! Total fail I tried it like 5 times total fail but at one point I couldn't help but notice the curves on this girl XDDDD considering I was sneaking up on her! I really really really REALLY had to resist the urge to like grab her from behind XD Man, I understand why guys fight over girls now! Lol, but yeah it was fun because I threatened to tickle her entire body until I found the ticklish spot! One, I was really frustrated because I couldn't find it two, I couldn't resist! That sounds so girl loving, but honestly! It was like having a guy with a totally fit body at your disposal to touch! So I did try to tickle up and down her sides XD It turns out her stomach is ticklish! She said so! I sneaked up behind her before she left and tickled her stomach, she squeaked XD
So ANYWAYS, Technetium was upset because she found out I'm not attracted to her XD
I can't help it! Sorry! I could try but I can't help it! It a natural thing that just goes that way. Plus, you're way too much of a friend for me to like you. I mean yeah, you are pretty, but just not my cup of tea I guess! She found out today, she asked! I thought it was kind of funny actually! Did I drop hints or something? Or did you just assume? I don't know what she thought! I don't think I suggested it in any way but eh.
I was in a surprisingly not great mood today, I'm not very sure why, but I just felt cranky. Who knows, it's probably because I haven't played my flute and because it's been stupid hot lately, in the 90's all week, I hate it T.T
I tried not to let it affect me, but eh, there's only so much one can do.
So I found out why Thorium has been sour today! His new cat ran away, granted he gave it a gay name, but I'll give it to him. I was sad when my cat ran away, but I wasn't a bitch or a bastard and blamed everyone for stupid things. What ever, I feel for him though and I guess it's sort of an excuse. I just try not to blame people for things they had no hand in. I know I'm very judgmental of him, but it's only because I know he can be better than that. I've witnessed it, he has been better than that and he will eventually grow into the person I know he can be, but for the moment he is just too caught up in himself.
They are offering AP Bio online now! So they can't bitch at me for not having a science now! Yay! I could take english online, and I would! But AP Music Theory would still be 7th period, and Chemistry would still be 6th and 7th. Stupid school!
I am beyond happy! I got my period today, and that's all I have to say about that.
I'm exempt from all my tests!!! Yay! No finals for me! The only good thing about TAKS I swear! (My state testing)
I am sooo sleeping this summer! Well... when I can... I am leaving for Mexico next Wednesday to go visit family and I'm coming back on that Sunday. I am so TERRIFIED!!! I am devising a plan to be able to hide my valuables in a secret spot that no one can see! Because I'm visiting the border, and yeah... that's the worst part of Mexico and the U.S. at the moment. I am scared, but I still want to go. I'm going to have a hell of a time working out this summer. I'm going to be tired! My days will end around 4 everyday day except the weekend. And knowing my parents, they'll drag me out of the house for no real reason! If they want new food let me cook! Buy my ingredients and I'll cook! Jesus mayn!
That's about it really! Bye!
Saturday, May 22, 2010
The end of time
I'm freaking STARVING!!! I haven't eaten since 10:50 a.m. yesterday! I swear, it's ridiculous. It's not my choice I didn't get a chance to yesterday, and my mother made some horrendous food this morning that I wasn't going to poison my body with, and she practically lives next to the kitchen, so I can't sneak some food to make. She wants to go cut her hair, I don't. That would make me exert more energy that I don't have. I'm uber tired, see this is why I had a stash of food in here, I swear man.
Other than that, yesterday was fish camp! It was great. There were only 5 people there though. Idk, I think we connected more with our fish. Me, Thulium and Florine need to start making our schedules. I need to figure mine out XD
So after I finished that (I actually ran the two laps without stopping! Yay) I went inside with Florine as we relaxed Thorium walked in with Tungsten, she went to go get ready for the Choir Pop Show (which was great, but more on that later) and me Florine and Thorium talked awhile, then I left to go buy my ticket for Pop Show with Thorium, after that we went to go drink some water, then annoying kid came to join us (which I really hated) then Sheb and Merl came to join our group before Pop Show, it was great, it was super fun, we had the greatest talk. So then we went on to Pop show after what only seemed like 15 minutes, and we found some seats and stayed there. It was a great show, some of the songs were butchered, but eh, there was this chick who killed it! It was like wow, and another chick sang bubbly, and that was amazing, then there was this FRESHMAN, who sang something but he played the guitar, and it was like, wow. Thorium was dissing on EVERYONE, these two scarlet chicks danced during the Pop show, and Thorium kept saying "Oh, that's not how you do that" or "That's not hard." or "You guys suck, just stop already." Seriously, the show would have been SO boring with out them. I dunno, he always thinks he can judge everything because as an itsy bitsy idea of the topic at hand. I dunno, the show was good, I liked it. Oh yeah, Thorium was angry that everyone thought the kid was awesome and he "lightened up" after he found out he was a fish, but he was still being a douche. He honestly needs to calm down. We discussed this too among my friends, considering he won't listen to us when we tell him.
Um... I think that's it. Nothing interesting OH
Okay, so at fish camp, okay I know it's TOTALLY horrible, but there's this chick there, and I met her the first day, she was friends with this most likely gay guy who will join color guard, most likely, and she had long hair or whatever, but she was a beast! Sh was doing everything great! Then yesterday, she cut her hair, and it was like. Yeah, she's gay, or bi at least. She already seemed like it, but I'm not one to be a judge like that consideriing people enjoy looking androgenous. But yeah, she is like attractive. And it was really bad XD because she was in my line of view almost the entire time! It was like, avoid looking at, the upside of this leadership thing is that people don't think you're staring they just think you are making sure they are doing something right, but I was like 16 steps away and she was forced to look forward, and it was like, oh wow. I am a horrible person XD hahahaha,
Anyways!!! That's about it. Later! Hopefully I get some food in the next few hours.
Other than that, yesterday was fish camp! It was great. There were only 5 people there though. Idk, I think we connected more with our fish. Me, Thulium and Florine need to start making our schedules. I need to figure mine out XD
So after I finished that (I actually ran the two laps without stopping! Yay) I went inside with Florine as we relaxed Thorium walked in with Tungsten, she went to go get ready for the Choir Pop Show (which was great, but more on that later) and me Florine and Thorium talked awhile, then I left to go buy my ticket for Pop Show with Thorium, after that we went to go drink some water, then annoying kid came to join us (which I really hated) then Sheb and Merl came to join our group before Pop Show, it was great, it was super fun, we had the greatest talk. So then we went on to Pop show after what only seemed like 15 minutes, and we found some seats and stayed there. It was a great show, some of the songs were butchered, but eh, there was this chick who killed it! It was like wow, and another chick sang bubbly, and that was amazing, then there was this FRESHMAN, who sang something but he played the guitar, and it was like, wow. Thorium was dissing on EVERYONE, these two scarlet chicks danced during the Pop show, and Thorium kept saying "Oh, that's not how you do that" or "That's not hard." or "You guys suck, just stop already." Seriously, the show would have been SO boring with out them. I dunno, he always thinks he can judge everything because as an itsy bitsy idea of the topic at hand. I dunno, the show was good, I liked it. Oh yeah, Thorium was angry that everyone thought the kid was awesome and he "lightened up" after he found out he was a fish, but he was still being a douche. He honestly needs to calm down. We discussed this too among my friends, considering he won't listen to us when we tell him.
Um... I think that's it. Nothing interesting OH
Okay, so at fish camp, okay I know it's TOTALLY horrible, but there's this chick there, and I met her the first day, she was friends with this most likely gay guy who will join color guard, most likely, and she had long hair or whatever, but she was a beast! Sh was doing everything great! Then yesterday, she cut her hair, and it was like. Yeah, she's gay, or bi at least. She already seemed like it, but I'm not one to be a judge like that consideriing people enjoy looking androgenous. But yeah, she is like attractive. And it was really bad XD because she was in my line of view almost the entire time! It was like, avoid looking at, the upside of this leadership thing is that people don't think you're staring they just think you are making sure they are doing something right, but I was like 16 steps away and she was forced to look forward, and it was like, oh wow. I am a horrible person XD hahahaha,
Anyways!!! That's about it. Later! Hopefully I get some food in the next few hours.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
I've Gotta a Feeling!
So this week started out like AHHHH!!! I had a physics review day, and it was just tiring, I don't know, things have just been getting to me lately. I mean, I really had a strong urge to get rid of my anger and sadness in the form of cutting. I know I know, and I really do know, but let's not get into that, it only causes me to feel the need to so SKIPPING that. I was really stressed and I was also panicking about Leadership Tryouts for band (which we had on Tuesday). I REALLY wanted to make leadership. Like really really REALLY wanted to! So the auditions came by, we were the first group to go, me, Florine, Thulium, and Steph all were there we kept calming each other down, we kept saying that they would love us all so much that they would just make us all section leaders! So we went in, I thought I did crappy, we all knew Florine would make it and we could have put money on the fact that Assistant Section Leader would be a non-senior (and by senior I mean for next year, like I'm a junior now but next year I'll be a senior)because that's what they did for drum major. So we try out and me and Florine hang out until like 5:30 maybe 6 p.m. there, and our audition began at like 3:30- 3:45 and was over with in like maybe 7 minutes. It was a quick thing.
So we sing a million songs together, we are both music lovers, we can't help it, I mean why else would we both be in choir AND band next year (I love it more, I'm in AP Music Theory HA! lol), but anyways, we are good friends. We went home anxious to see who got the leadership positions, my Band director said it was a hard decision among the spots as a whole. I believe it was especially hard with the flutes, considering we were all great and have really stepped up our game! And I also think it was especially hard with us because we got THREE spots! That has never ever EVER happened. So I made assistant section leader along with Thulium and Florine made section leader! We were all so excited! And Steph took it as a time to relax! Hahaha, she's a funny on I tell you, because I am so going to ask her for her musical time whether she likes it or not!
So that same day we had our Academic award ceremony. I got my letterman all new and shiny and untouched! I'm never going to wear it though XD I hate lettermans! It was great I missed most of my classes, except I had a physics test afterwards! That totally sucked I know for sure I got 5 out of 11 right. It just is stupid. I hate physics XD
That SAME day we had our first fish camp! I was so unprepared XD I had to cancel on Mai though. It just wouldn't have been fair! We only have 11 new flutes coming in (not counting the ones we don't know are going to quit or not) We are one of the smallest sections! It's crazy! And we have 3 leaders, that's just crazy talk.
Band is so totally going to go a different direction, I'm so EXCITED! I have big plans! Nah, I have ideas on how to improve the band, I think I'm the most encouraging one, which is shocking for two reasons: One, Thulium is the most happy, excited, hyper person I have EVER met, Two, because this time last year I was so confused about my life and myself and about my role in this world.
I can't wait! We have another Fish Camp tomorrow, this will be FUN! I have to find some exercises for Mai, she is so tense and negative! I need her to loosen up! She needs to chill she doesn't even have it THAT bad. Ugh, I dunno. I'll figure it out, I know I will!
And to make my life so much better at this very point in time! I got a letter from MIT, I literally almost died. I saw the letter and it looked like MIT's logo thingy, but I've though that before and had my hopes shattered, so I didn't get myself at all excited, and then I closed in on the letter on the table, and I read "Massachusetts" and I almost died of happiness and curiosity all at once I couldn't read the second word fast enough. It said "Institute" and I read "of" and snatched it to make sure I wasn't crazy, and I read "Technology" and I couldn't escape to my room to read it fast enough! It was a 'interested in you because of PSAT scores' and it's the best letter I've ever gotten. I could have just died of happiness, right then and there. It was amazing and has made me more hopeful for the future.
I don't know whether I have just become increasingly more happy(which is still such an odd sensation) or an optimism I didn't know I had or just a streak of luck. I don't know but I am so excited I can't stand it! I know all my freshman's name's that came on Wednesday (HELL YEAH! I spelled it right the FIRST TIME) It was amazing.
The Bones season finale seriously made me cry! It was amazing! I loved it! I couldn't freaking believe it! I love Bones! And the House season finale AMAZING!
This has been good, and tomorrow is the end of my final completely normal school week I'm anxious for the summer!
Oh, don't worry, it's not all good, there are some crappy things going on, but we'll see how this goes. This happiness thing seems to be working for me.
So we sing a million songs together, we are both music lovers, we can't help it, I mean why else would we both be in choir AND band next year (I love it more, I'm in AP Music Theory HA! lol), but anyways, we are good friends. We went home anxious to see who got the leadership positions, my Band director said it was a hard decision among the spots as a whole. I believe it was especially hard with the flutes, considering we were all great and have really stepped up our game! And I also think it was especially hard with us because we got THREE spots! That has never ever EVER happened. So I made assistant section leader along with Thulium and Florine made section leader! We were all so excited! And Steph took it as a time to relax! Hahaha, she's a funny on I tell you, because I am so going to ask her for her musical time whether she likes it or not!
So that same day we had our Academic award ceremony. I got my letterman all new and shiny and untouched! I'm never going to wear it though XD I hate lettermans! It was great I missed most of my classes, except I had a physics test afterwards! That totally sucked I know for sure I got 5 out of 11 right. It just is stupid. I hate physics XD
That SAME day we had our first fish camp! I was so unprepared XD I had to cancel on Mai though. It just wouldn't have been fair! We only have 11 new flutes coming in (not counting the ones we don't know are going to quit or not) We are one of the smallest sections! It's crazy! And we have 3 leaders, that's just crazy talk.
Band is so totally going to go a different direction, I'm so EXCITED! I have big plans! Nah, I have ideas on how to improve the band, I think I'm the most encouraging one, which is shocking for two reasons: One, Thulium is the most happy, excited, hyper person I have EVER met, Two, because this time last year I was so confused about my life and myself and about my role in this world.
I can't wait! We have another Fish Camp tomorrow, this will be FUN! I have to find some exercises for Mai, she is so tense and negative! I need her to loosen up! She needs to chill she doesn't even have it THAT bad. Ugh, I dunno. I'll figure it out, I know I will!
And to make my life so much better at this very point in time! I got a letter from MIT, I literally almost died. I saw the letter and it looked like MIT's logo thingy, but I've though that before and had my hopes shattered, so I didn't get myself at all excited, and then I closed in on the letter on the table, and I read "Massachusetts" and I almost died of happiness and curiosity all at once I couldn't read the second word fast enough. It said "Institute" and I read "of" and snatched it to make sure I wasn't crazy, and I read "Technology" and I couldn't escape to my room to read it fast enough! It was a 'interested in you because of PSAT scores' and it's the best letter I've ever gotten. I could have just died of happiness, right then and there. It was amazing and has made me more hopeful for the future.
I don't know whether I have just become increasingly more happy(which is still such an odd sensation) or an optimism I didn't know I had or just a streak of luck. I don't know but I am so excited I can't stand it! I know all my freshman's name's that came on Wednesday (HELL YEAH! I spelled it right the FIRST TIME) It was amazing.
The Bones season finale seriously made me cry! It was amazing! I loved it! I couldn't freaking believe it! I love Bones! And the House season finale AMAZING!
This has been good, and tomorrow is the end of my final completely normal school week I'm anxious for the summer!
Oh, don't worry, it's not all good, there are some crappy things going on, but we'll see how this goes. This happiness thing seems to be working for me.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Stupid
Okay, nothing has really happened. This week, I've been teaching this fish how to march all week, she's doing really good actually. But, that's been about it.
Oh! I took the AP English test. Was pretty easy, I was totally about to have a killing spree, the person sitting behind me would NOT stop shaking my desk. I didn't start until 7 minutes in, because I could think of something to do that would make her stop. I'm sure the proctor thought I was having an anxiety attack or something. I was really getting pissed off. And she kept doing it through out the test and I almost turned around and killed her. No lie.
So the one odd thing that has happened, that will lead into a new story, is that this kid, let's call him Am. He was my third(?) boyfriend, and last. Yeah. And, yeah, he started talking to me this weekend. And no I do not like him anymore he's changed since the time I liked him. But ANYWAYS. Yeah really weird. Now to elaborate on that in the next paragraph.
Okay, so yeah. I really did like him back then (unlike some of my other relationships) and I thought he was cute, I couldn't help it! He was white, blond, a rocker, he had that troubled soul thing going on, and had the most gorgeous eyes. Okay, but that was BACK THEN, now he's changed mentally and physically. Not that it really matters, but I mean, that was the hook. But yeah, what ever, ANYWAYS... Yeah, he's been texting me. And yeah, now he wants to talk on the phone. I don't. One, I suck at carrying a conversation on the phone. Two, because okay, he probably is a great person, and he has changed blah blah blah, I've gotten over it, but my heart soul whatever is still angry at the thought of even TALKING about him. I don't even know how I can text him. I don;t hate him or anything, but I mean, just the untimeliness of the break up, and the MANNER of the break up, I just can't be 100% happy. And then anger in relationships makes me angry at Thorium, because of how fucked up that whole situation became. I don't know there's a reason I don't care much for my appearance now.
So yeah, talking about untimeliness, I was reading something on the recovery board yesterday and well, frankly it was about suicide, and how the person was stuck on that idea, and well, that just got me to thinking about those days in my life when I was 100% sure things would be WAY better if I were dead (back when I believed in a God) So yeah, my thoughts on suicide. Immensely stupid. Things will be better, things can get better, and things can only get better. I mean you should fight for your right for life. Things can REALLY suck for you, you can always go away in hopes of finding a better life, I'm sure that's exactly what I would do. I have always had this plan of stowing away on a boat in the port we have here and jump boats until I find one going to Spain or England or Germany (even though communication will SUCK) and starting a new life there (preferably England, school would be SO much easier), I'd have to creat a whole new identity and that would be exciting, but I couldn't do that to my parents, they haven'nt done anything to me. I am very angry at my father for never being there in my life, and I just can't stand he tries now IT'S TOO LATE DAD I'm sorry, but I can't bring myself to think of him in any other way than being this man in and out of my life. When I think of a father figure, I think of someone who is there ready to listen, ready to help you with a school project. I can count the amount of time my father did that with me on my fingers. Ugh, anyways, suicide! (yes, I prefer that subject to my father)
Suicide should never be an option I understand why people do it. I'm positive I had a chemical imbalance in my brain so I was depressed, and I did almost kill myself, scary thought I know. I remember I was on the floor, I didn't even lock the door my parents, correction my MOTHER, never checked on me so I had nothing to worry about, I had the razor in my hand, my favorite one mind you, and i just stared at my wrists and then my arm and all I could think of is how I would make my parents lives so much easier and how I couldn't even how I could live life. And I just grazed it a little (I decided I hated cutting my wrists that same day too) and it barely scratched and then I decided that I couldn't do it. Days later, though, I started contemplating other ways to kill myself. I even found a 'fun' list someone made about different ways you could. But since I'm here now recollecting this, it's obvious I didn't kill myself. I didn't even attempt it, I did, however think about it a lot.
I'm happier now though! So no worries, I still have a horrible habit. Okay, I really have to get used saying it, but I think it's such an ugly word, it stands out to me when I read it or hear it. I guess it's an ugly act. Eh, Okay, let me have a stab at it. I am a cutter, and I still do cut every once in a while. Wow, that was the hardest thing I've had to write in a while. But yeah, um... I really have tried to quit, and I guess you could say I have. I just relapse a lot, and I just am not addicted to it like before, NOTHING like before. Ugh, okay. I just I don't know. I just had to write about it sometime and right now seemed like a good time. Um, so yeah, never cut, it's really a horrible thing, don't do it, there is another way, talk to someone, someone will love you and care about you. I'm a major hypocrite, but I know what cutting is, I know what you feel, I understand, just don't do it. Please?
How long do you guys think I could last with out talking to him on the phone. I don't hate him, I just really don't want to talk to him. It reminds me too much of when we were going out.
I WANT TO GO TO WARPED TOUR SOOOOOOO BAD!!! LIKE NO LIE! Just thought I should throw that in here at the end.
Oh! I took the AP English test. Was pretty easy, I was totally about to have a killing spree, the person sitting behind me would NOT stop shaking my desk. I didn't start until 7 minutes in, because I could think of something to do that would make her stop. I'm sure the proctor thought I was having an anxiety attack or something. I was really getting pissed off. And she kept doing it through out the test and I almost turned around and killed her. No lie.
So the one odd thing that has happened, that will lead into a new story, is that this kid, let's call him Am. He was my third(?) boyfriend, and last. Yeah. And, yeah, he started talking to me this weekend. And no I do not like him anymore he's changed since the time I liked him. But ANYWAYS. Yeah really weird. Now to elaborate on that in the next paragraph.
Okay, so yeah. I really did like him back then (unlike some of my other relationships) and I thought he was cute, I couldn't help it! He was white, blond, a rocker, he had that troubled soul thing going on, and had the most gorgeous eyes. Okay, but that was BACK THEN, now he's changed mentally and physically. Not that it really matters, but I mean, that was the hook. But yeah, what ever, ANYWAYS... Yeah, he's been texting me. And yeah, now he wants to talk on the phone. I don't. One, I suck at carrying a conversation on the phone. Two, because okay, he probably is a great person, and he has changed blah blah blah, I've gotten over it, but my heart soul whatever is still angry at the thought of even TALKING about him. I don't even know how I can text him. I don;t hate him or anything, but I mean, just the untimeliness of the break up, and the MANNER of the break up, I just can't be 100% happy. And then anger in relationships makes me angry at Thorium, because of how fucked up that whole situation became. I don't know there's a reason I don't care much for my appearance now.
So yeah, talking about untimeliness, I was reading something on the recovery board yesterday and well, frankly it was about suicide, and how the person was stuck on that idea, and well, that just got me to thinking about those days in my life when I was 100% sure things would be WAY better if I were dead (back when I believed in a God) So yeah, my thoughts on suicide. Immensely stupid. Things will be better, things can get better, and things can only get better. I mean you should fight for your right for life. Things can REALLY suck for you, you can always go away in hopes of finding a better life, I'm sure that's exactly what I would do. I have always had this plan of stowing away on a boat in the port we have here and jump boats until I find one going to Spain or England or Germany (even though communication will SUCK) and starting a new life there (preferably England, school would be SO much easier), I'd have to creat a whole new identity and that would be exciting, but I couldn't do that to my parents, they haven'nt done anything to me. I am very angry at my father for never being there in my life, and I just can't stand he tries now IT'S TOO LATE DAD I'm sorry, but I can't bring myself to think of him in any other way than being this man in and out of my life. When I think of a father figure, I think of someone who is there ready to listen, ready to help you with a school project. I can count the amount of time my father did that with me on my fingers. Ugh, anyways, suicide! (yes, I prefer that subject to my father)
Suicide should never be an option I understand why people do it. I'm positive I had a chemical imbalance in my brain so I was depressed, and I did almost kill myself, scary thought I know. I remember I was on the floor, I didn't even lock the door my parents, correction my MOTHER, never checked on me so I had nothing to worry about, I had the razor in my hand, my favorite one mind you, and i just stared at my wrists and then my arm and all I could think of is how I would make my parents lives so much easier and how I couldn't even how I could live life. And I just grazed it a little (I decided I hated cutting my wrists that same day too) and it barely scratched and then I decided that I couldn't do it. Days later, though, I started contemplating other ways to kill myself. I even found a 'fun' list someone made about different ways you could. But since I'm here now recollecting this, it's obvious I didn't kill myself. I didn't even attempt it, I did, however think about it a lot.
I'm happier now though! So no worries, I still have a horrible habit. Okay, I really have to get used saying it, but I think it's such an ugly word, it stands out to me when I read it or hear it. I guess it's an ugly act. Eh, Okay, let me have a stab at it. I am a cutter, and I still do cut every once in a while. Wow, that was the hardest thing I've had to write in a while. But yeah, um... I really have tried to quit, and I guess you could say I have. I just relapse a lot, and I just am not addicted to it like before, NOTHING like before. Ugh, okay. I just I don't know. I just had to write about it sometime and right now seemed like a good time. Um, so yeah, never cut, it's really a horrible thing, don't do it, there is another way, talk to someone, someone will love you and care about you. I'm a major hypocrite, but I know what cutting is, I know what you feel, I understand, just don't do it. Please?
How long do you guys think I could last with out talking to him on the phone. I don't hate him, I just really don't want to talk to him. It reminds me too much of when we were going out.
I WANT TO GO TO WARPED TOUR SOOOOOOO BAD!!! LIKE NO LIE! Just thought I should throw that in here at the end.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Have I mentioned I love House?
Okay, I know it's been FOREVER since I last posted, and a lot has happened, but I'm not going to be able to remember it all, so I'm just going to give you guys a run down of this past week or two, or whenever I last posted.
So I've been STRESSED about my APUSH exam! I studied for the past whenever I haven't posted, and I still don't confident at all. Last night, in fact, I was so nervous, I had 3 consecutive nightmares all different situations of me failing my AP exam.
But I took it this past Friday, which is why I am beyond petrified. And you know what the worst part is, you don't get the scores until the THIRD week in JULY. It sucks, and I hate it. I really really REALLY want to pass. Not only for myself, and my future at Sarah Lawrence College, but because I want to get a good grade for Neeb(my APUSH teacher).
I only have one AP exam left. That's English. I really don't care about that one. I'm pretty sure I'll pass. I've thought I've failed the past 2 practice exams she's given us, and I've miraculously passed. So I'm aiming for the 5, I don't know what I got on the past one I'm asking tomorrow, so we'll see.
Um... I've talked to Technetium a lot these past few weeks. I have neglected several friends, mostly because they don't text first, and if they did, it's because I was too busy stressing. Now that APUSH is over I can sleep well (well, once those nightmares go away) and not care about school! JTP and APUSH exam, the two things I've been worried about all year, DONE! Stupid acronyms!
So, after the English AP exam I shall be done with caring! Until the week before Finals, when I find out which ones I'll have to take (hopefully none of them)
Then Summer! Which will be stressing! And then Senior year, I will basically die, but then that 5th six weeks I shall only study, but my grades will NO LONGER MATTER! YES! I love you school district! That will be the greatest thing ever. I swear I will make ALL A's next year. I said that last year, but I was depressed when I thought that, for the first time in a long time I am HAPPY. So, my grades are directly connected with my mood. And next year will be better. No matter who or what gets in my way.
And then college! Ah, that's a scary thought! And I know why now! Because I don't think I'm grown up enough for that. I am mature for my age I know that, I have a very good concept on things, but I just don't know if I'm ready to be on my own yet. Especially in Obama's fucked up socialist nation. I am so voting republican when the next presidential election goes on!
Um... nothing has really happened Banquet was fun, and I have another post that's in my drafts, I 'll post that tomorrow. Right now I'm sleepy! So, good night all!
So I've been STRESSED about my APUSH exam! I studied for the past whenever I haven't posted, and I still don't confident at all. Last night, in fact, I was so nervous, I had 3 consecutive nightmares all different situations of me failing my AP exam.
But I took it this past Friday, which is why I am beyond petrified. And you know what the worst part is, you don't get the scores until the THIRD week in JULY. It sucks, and I hate it. I really really REALLY want to pass. Not only for myself, and my future at Sarah Lawrence College, but because I want to get a good grade for Neeb(my APUSH teacher).
I only have one AP exam left. That's English. I really don't care about that one. I'm pretty sure I'll pass. I've thought I've failed the past 2 practice exams she's given us, and I've miraculously passed. So I'm aiming for the 5, I don't know what I got on the past one I'm asking tomorrow, so we'll see.
Um... I've talked to Technetium a lot these past few weeks. I have neglected several friends, mostly because they don't text first, and if they did, it's because I was too busy stressing. Now that APUSH is over I can sleep well (well, once those nightmares go away) and not care about school! JTP and APUSH exam, the two things I've been worried about all year, DONE! Stupid acronyms!
So, after the English AP exam I shall be done with caring! Until the week before Finals, when I find out which ones I'll have to take (hopefully none of them)
Then Summer! Which will be stressing! And then Senior year, I will basically die, but then that 5th six weeks I shall only study, but my grades will NO LONGER MATTER! YES! I love you school district! That will be the greatest thing ever. I swear I will make ALL A's next year. I said that last year, but I was depressed when I thought that, for the first time in a long time I am HAPPY. So, my grades are directly connected with my mood. And next year will be better. No matter who or what gets in my way.
And then college! Ah, that's a scary thought! And I know why now! Because I don't think I'm grown up enough for that. I am mature for my age I know that, I have a very good concept on things, but I just don't know if I'm ready to be on my own yet. Especially in Obama's fucked up socialist nation. I am so voting republican when the next presidential election goes on!
Um... nothing has really happened Banquet was fun, and I have another post that's in my drafts, I 'll post that tomorrow. Right now I'm sleepy! So, good night all!
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