Super Rambles and some thoughts

Alright, I'm not totally sure what I wrote down on my list yesterday, but I am just going to go to go off of memory. I have slightly given up on this typing thing because OMG DISTRACTION!!! So, I'm watching Jenna Marbles on The Mom View and they were like boys and kisses and stuff. So, I am thinking back to my first kiss and the subsequent kisses throughout the years and... I should have known I was gay. I mean, I didn't really feel anything. I wanted to I mean, it was mostly before sex or during sex, point being that it was a very intense moment where I would at least feel something. I didn't. Like absolutely nothing emotional. I mean, I tried, I willed myself to feel something and nothing. It was just like the weird thing, I should have known then. I should have felt something not just nothing. So, 4 year sign that I was gay. I mean come on. Anyways! back on track... I did give up on typing because I think too fast for how my fingers are working on this right now in this blog. When I start writing my new fan fic chapter I will. But not now. I called my job finally to see when I start. I start Monday for sure now. I'm nervous. I need the money, I really do now. I have like -$45 in the bank because fucking Hulu charged me randomly out of no where when I UGH I'm pissed I really didn't need this charge too. I still need to renew my "mothers" loan for college and I have to pay for my late lessons bill and my plane ticket and probably the campus police so they will pick me up from the airport because moving in is tough for people without me tagging along and throwing my stuff in the car too. Money is not on my side. I am literally in the red right now. Everything is really just crumbling around me and I just want to be back in college and just have to worry about learning and managing friendships and looking for teh gays. That shit is a bit less scary and less nerve wracking. At home I just feel guilt all the time because right now my world revolves around money or there lack of money. It's intense and especially just always told to me. Along with all the regular parenting and then their guilt that they think they aren't providing for me. I don't tell them anything. They don't know my laptop is in the shitter, that my account is in the red and that I have so much pressure at school. I try and make it seem that everything is okay because it's really just bad enough. Things are like intense. Woah, that got deep there. Anyways. I haven't really hung out with anyone in like a week or so. Last time I did I was like at the park for hours and I got a tan. All my work XD I like the park because it's free. It's insane. Another thing. I didn't watch The Sing Off when it was on. So I missed out on Pentatonix. What the actual fuck. That's INSANE! I'm so jealous! I've always wished I had a better voice. I don't though. I know how to sing... kind of. I wish mayn! If I had 3 wishes it would be for me to have the talent to be an amazing overall musician. Not necessarily just become amazing overnight, because it's so amazing just working on a certain talent and just watching yourself getting better day after day and week after week. It is what makes it so special to be good at something. Especially in music you just have to work at it every day to get better and better because there is no perfection in music. Not when it's natural. There will always be a mistake or something you know you could do better. It's how being a musician works. That's why musicians never really say they lose respect for another musician. Because we all understand the challenges, we are disappointed and we get jealous but we never lose respect. Only when someone just disrespects the art. When they take the cheap way out. That's the only time. It's tight group whether people admit it or not That's why I love music. There is only one way to go when you work for it. It's like that with other things but I know and trust that music will never let me down. And it will always move forward but the past will always be there. Ah, that was something I was not planning on writing about. I hope it made sense. I was watching PTX in The Sing Off the entire time. I still am! I feel like I missed out. So. Yeah. I'm just rambling seriously. I want to start practicing again. I need an instrument to practice on. I have a LOT of music to work on before I get back to school. Oh god... Lindsey is going to KILL me. I haven't played in 2 months now? I need to find someone to lend me a flute. It is intense. I need a rent to buy flute when I get back to school. And... my shameless need to buy ukulele. I want to learn how to play SO BAD! It's so selfish but I just think it is the coolest thing in the world. I recommend you go check out JennaAnne's The Gay Song. It is hilarious!

Alright, I haven't said anything in awhile. I've thought about it, because I just like to document these things, because I need to remember my terrible grammar which will probably only get worse with my age and what I did through out my past. It's kind of like a public diary which will trigger memories of the more deeper issues going on that I don't ever talk about on here. I know shocker, it seems like I write everything down here, but I don't. It's just enough for me to remember these things. One thing I am doing new is that I am teaching myself to type correctly. It is extremely difficult for me, because of this keyboard, which is my mom's, and is slightly smaller than mine. Luckily for me, I realized that I remember keys due to reference points. I like it. I'm trying to learn two things at once. To type with out looking down. I don't need to. But it's a force of habit. So, if my thoughts are jumbled more than usual, that's why. OMG I HATE BACKSPACE!!! WHAT FINGER DO YOU USE?!?!?!? I am hating my typing right now. This is frustrating!!! But it'll help me in the long run. FML, seriously. Anyways. Frustration is immense right now. So. First thing is. Fuck this typing thing. DAMMIT! I CAN'T!!! I'VE INFECTED MY TYPING SKILLS!!! THE FUCK!!! UGH!!! Anyways, I''m about five seconds away from going teo finegrs. You're just going to get the most frustratiing typos ever because I'm done. So, when I was younger, since I can remember, I've never thought abouut weddings. I've never planned one, I've never even fantisised about it. (spelling mistakes are typos because I usually go back and fix them but like I said, fuck it. So, weddings, I've never thought about it. Not like others. Like, I don't even know where to start. I imagine light. That's it. Not particularily white but I just see light. Anyways. So, I'm going to sound like a major nerd. Just a WARNING before I say all of this. I started playing minecraft again. And I downloaded this mod because I made this awesome house plan picture and stuff. But I don't want to work on it until I get a 1.3 world. Because the updates wwill be insane and I need a lot of different resources from all the biomes. ANYWAYS! I saw this mod and it's a fmaily mod. In the sense that the mod makes the testificates(people) into actual people with names and stuff, essentially they aare still useless, except they can get married and have kids, if you arrange it. So, the character, you can too. And you can have gay marriages and you can have kids and they do things for you and they can do chores for you and be extra inventory and yeah. It's pretty cool and is getting me through the time between now and 1.3. So, I got married once and I was like, nope. Then I got divorced, and then I married this chick who was the gayest adorable looking one. But the second time I was like... I need to make something to pass the time. And one of the programmed lines during the engagement time is, "It'll be a beautiful wedding with all our friends, right?" and I'm like... dammit. I need to make this awesome. So I made this large area outside of the village/town and I went slightly all out, considering my few resources. I'm also stocking up, I'm gathering resources in other worlds so I can just edit them into the my new world because it's frustrating waiting for 1.3 because of all the new features. So, The wedding was nice, I made a large path from town to my wedding area and the path was covered and then the wedding area was large and it had seats for everyone, there was a raised area for us and the back drop was like a water feature with this large pixel flower and a backdrop and a waterfall over the flower. And a path from the end of the actual path, that was the walking area to the like place where you get married. So... What I realizzed is that, I will go all out on a wedding, if I do it for someone else to make them happy, even though it meant nothing in the actual game I was just like let's make this something because I have nothing to do. Until 1.3 So. Realization, I am the pleaser and the I will do things that I would otherwise think are pointless and unneccesary to make my girlfriend/wife happy. I'm ridiculous. Anyways. I had something else but this typing pissed me off to the point of forgetting it. OH! Man... I have a few games on my steam that I haven't touched ever, or in a long time that I really want to play and I can't. It's the most frustrating thing in the world. I'm just like UGH!!! Like, Sanctum. I've watched a few people play it on Youtube, but I really want to try it myself, because I like shooter games, I like SOME fps games. They are fun. Like, TF2 which just came out with Meet the Pyro. DID NOT DISAPPOINT! I loved it! I was creeped out and all gushy at the same time. The Valve sense of humor is beautiful. It was so creepy XD And there are games in one of the first Humble Bumble Game Pakcs that I didn't touch. I only bought the pack because it was cheap and went to charity. I want to try those. And I has a few RPG's I still need to finish/play. For now I only have a laggy minecraft to play. and youtube. Which, I love youtube. A little too much, I have much love and respect for a lot of the people I have subscribed to. My speech and stuff is getting influenced by them and OMG You know that song OOOOHHH OOHHHH SOMETIMES!!! I GET A GOOD FEELING!!! YEAHH!!!! AND I [SOMETHING] NEVER EVER FELT BEFORE. Song. Well... listen to it again and when the singer goes "Sometimes I get a good feeling" Imagine "Something I gotta go pee pee" Mind BLOWN! I will never hear that song the same way again,, because it works with the song. It's creepy. Okay, now really. I'm going. I have more to say so I'll like the topics down bellow and hopefully I'll remember to reference this post for next time -Obamacare -Poorness -Non-biased -Voting -Tumblr -Music -Youtube -Job

Warning: This is going to be a RANT!!!

If you neglected to read the title of this post, it's just telling you that this post is going to be a rant. So, yesterday was fun! I hung out with some of my best friends and we caught up and stuff it was great! However, catching up also meant catching up with events that have happened to our friends. Now. My friend A told me earlier this year that she was engaged and going to get married. Now, you know people are usually happy and excited when that happens. Unless you're all jealous and bitter about single, which I'm not, so I should be happy. I wasn't. The opposite I was pissed. I was pissed at her for being such an idiot! I should have won an academy award because I acted happy and excited and all that shit. But no. She is a fucking idiot. She's been going through some tough shit. However, she is also a huge fucking drama queen. I hate to say it but it's true. I love the girl she is a good friend of mine, not super close because I had a crush on her a long ass time ago so I never let myself get close to her. Anyways. She is getting married. Why I'm pissed? The guy she is marrying is a piece of shit pussy ass motherfucker. That sounds harsh and I'm not that entitled, but I've seen what's happened. I'm trying to stay calm as I write this but I'm so angry. I don't want it to happen. I don't. It's going to be bad. "A" is attracted to controlling assholes. She cries all the time and he is so controlling. So fucking controlling. He needs to know everything she does and needs to approve of everything including what she can wear. Which reminds me of someone else. So, that probably is going to piss me off even more now. Oh god. I don't even. Words don't describe my pissyness. I'm watching Dodger from dexteritybonus or presshearttocontinue to level out my pissyness with her exuberant adorable happiness. Okay, I took a small happy break. I'm back now. So, for her to not get out of this relationship, she got out of her last relationship with a controlling asshole who broke her, because she doesn't believe in her own self worth (more on that in a second) who she was with for 3-4 years. New guy, told her he liked her while she was still with her now ex. Now, she was gaining self worth and wanting to break up with him for good, because they were on and off for a long time, but her ex was one of those, "oh no baby, I will change, I'll be better" you know, all that bull. So, the guy does that and he is in a relationship with this other girl and he broke up with her and then "A" broke up with her now ex and went out with new guy less than a week after getting out of a 3-4 year long relationship. She had absolutely NO time to evaluate herself and accept herself and love herself. NO TIME TO DO ALL THE STUFF THAT WOULD STOP HER FROM AILFAWFPG;IAVFOIGFewifawefegEFI3ewfvgiEQFOIUweba3qw0 uyvn3CDSPOUBLWGWHIPGvevvavkhaef'csfo;ufg:Kvgapi;ae Okay... I'm trying to calm my breathing down so I don't get tooo hot headed. In case you didn't know regulating your breath when you're feeling angry calms down your pulse and subsequently your blood flow rate calming down the blood rushing to make you angry. Anyways, a little calmer... still watching Dodger, she is the perfect calm person, also jenna anne's new Gay Song. Makes you happy. It was all I could do to not just destroy this laptop from just smashing. Stupid shit, seriously. So I guarantee you that she thinks that no one will ever love her like assholes do because she doesn't think she's pretty enough, or thin enough, or worth anything because she cries a lot and makes thinks way more dramatic and is always complaining or bitching about something. She just stacks bad thing after bad thing after bad thing upon herself no matter how small things are. She has SO many good attributes. I could list them all and I assure you they would be way longer than anything negative that would be said about her. So much drama has happened and it's terrible, so she has clung and the guy has been there. AND WHY DO PEOPLE CONTROLLLLL!!!!! WHAT TELLS THEM IT IS OKAY TO DO THAT SHIT! WHAT THE FUCK?! I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY PEOPLE WOULD DO IT?! I JUST WANT TO PUNCH THEM ALL INTO A BLOODY FUCKING PULP WHAT THE FUCK! AWEGFR PAWIJMGSODINUBTGDSUTZMHFJGV9[ EORCDINJFER0V52C ESR4FD1V5ER34D.F' IHYVECBH3EW0YF6Y0BRECP09R28 TCBHVWIFDSHJNWERKFHMASW BFCOAEO8YAG[O8PFP97UHFGPUGBFOYAIWEFBGPAIYWHFB UVAECNUSIDYFYHGERUYFDCBNRAEFIBTGNE IUSKFG PO.LIUFGRE BNLFKYBGEF NIFLWP9RFOTGE FOWEPBUYF CPEUIBYFI3E CBUBCEDSNUFOV M Ugh... I'm sorry. So, needless to say I'm not happy. I don't... No one does. I don't know if anyone has said anything about it. I don't approve and I don't want to go to the fucking wedding. I will because she's going to try and plan it around the college schedules. I will. But it's like watching a Kardashian marriage. It'll crumble immediately and she will just end up not happy. Miserable. I'm UGH Like, if she were truly happy with him I would be okay with the marriage. Oh they've been together for a year, she just graduated. I can't even. I can't go to the wedding. I will say no. I will be that person who is like, nope. I object you guys can't do it. No one in this room wants it. Not even you, maybe him because he wants someone to control and destroy and ruin and play with for the rest of his life for only his happiness with no regards of your own. I can't... FUCK ME!!! Now, she is not the only one of my friends getting married. I just heard about this one, and now I am so angry and pissed and unhappy. Like pure fuckery shit. I had a major anger meltdown.. I pulled a Jesse Cox, except I don't have his awesome raspy angry voice. I'm angry. I can't handle the unhappiness. Dodger is the only thing keeping me not destroying the world right now. I've been so pissed about this all day. Any mention of relationships brought me to this. Anger right now. Like, and tumblr is all lesbian relationships, so I was pissed. Ugh... Rant... Anyways. So, my other friend "c" is getting married. Now... This bitch has not even TOLD ME! I came out to her. And she didn't say shit. She has apparently also become fucking religious, which is okay, and I'm glad she accepted me and all. BUT SHE IS GETTING MARRIED WITH A GUY SHE'S ONLY GONE OUT WITH FOR A FEW MONTHS. SHE IS GETTING MARRIED WITH HIM BECAUSE THEY BONDED OVER GOD AFTER SHE BROKE UP WITH HER EX WHO WAS HER FIRST BOYFRIEND IN A LONG TIME. I CAN'T EVEN HANDLE THIS. LIKE WHAT THE FUCK I WANT TO BE HAPPY FOR HER BUT CIRCUMSTANCES ARE TOO FUCKED FOR THIS!!! NO ONE IS HAPPY ABOUT THIS AND SHE IS BECOMING A BIBLE PUSHER AND SHE USED TO BE THE MOST LIBERAL FUCKER I EVER KNEW!!! I DON'T EVEN KNOW! SHE NEEDS TO GO LIVE IN FUCKING CALIFORNIA SHE NEEDS TO GO THE FUCK BACK SO THEY CAN STRAIGHTEN THAT SHIT UP! I'm sorry BUT I'M NOT! I'M SO PISSED!!! I know why people get divorced so much, I mean fuck. Of all the people I know two of my close friends are getting married with people they shouldn't be with. This has been long and annoying but if you've lasted this long there's one more thing I want you to know. You, no matter who you are, are worth it. You are beautiful, you are wonderful, and you deserve the best in the world. I don't care how much you weigh, that's only a number, I don't care if you are bitchy, that just makes you more interesting. I don't care if you have issues, that just means you will and are stronger. You don't need to be with someone to validate your worth. You are great, no matter what you think you are. Being single doesn't mean you are a loser. Being with someone who doesn't love and appreciate you or you don't like makes you a loser. Don't marry someone you don't truly love and doesn't treat you correctly just because you think no one will ever love you. That's just stupid and will end up in your inevitable misery.

Today

Okay... So... I don't know what's up. I guess this is what normal people experience emotions wise. I think I'm okay. I know I'm okay. I;m just a bit weirded out. So! Today, I had a job call back and I signed my papers and I should start work next week *crosses fingers* and it should be sweetness. I actually finally made a gaming channel. There's nothing on there, but it's been created so I have no excuses now. Just the not having a laptop that can handle any actual games. Except VBA games, and Nintendo is a bitch about emulators so I have to find a way to fake making it seem like I'm actually playing a game on a gamecube using like teh gameboyplayer adapter thing. Or, I can just wait and play actual games I own. I dunno, we'll see. I don't really remember what games I have on Steam anymore. Anyways, so that's done. Then, as I was walking into my future job this guy was walking outside and asked me about my shoes and he basically hit on me. He even gave me his card. He claimed just to hang, but he was hitting on me. For sure. It was kind of weird, I've never been hit on by a complete stranger, people I know yes, complete and total stranger no. But he was like in his 20's maybe late 20's so it's not going to happen, teh contacting part. But he does this music thing and it's not to bad from teh little I listened to today. Pretty interesting. So, that was a good sign walking in to the future job. So after waking up pissed that my alarm didn't wake me up, things worked out for the best. Dodger had a livestream and it was pretty geat and made some awesome things but it was 12 hours long from 2pm to 2am and I woke up at 12 to get ready to leave at 1:30 to get to my appointment at 2. By 2:30 I was back. I laughed a lot. And I didn't realize I didn't laugh anymore. I haven't laughed truly and heartly in a long time. It's so weird. I feel light and happy and like things are just working out for me, I'm just kind of waiting for that terrible thing to happen that will completely destroy me. But I want to just enjoy this. I'm so behind on my youtube though. I'm going to have to catch up on today and tomorrow. And that's a solid 7 hours at least not counting Tuesday. Better than tv though. I'm also watching a Diablo 3 play through and it's awesome but if you know Diablo 3 or Diablo games at all, it is fucking long. Act 1 took them like 7 hours counting all the technical issues of Diablo 3 servers not working. I still have like a day of that left I believe. This'll be fun but I want to know how things go down. I really do. I already know what happens I just dono't know how or why or anything surrounding what happens. I'm completely okay with my sexuality and the world. Like, it's insane. I am psyched about the worl dright now. I'm extremely excited about this one thing. I'm not going to talk about it yet, in case things don't work out but I am excited if it works but I'm sad about the situation. It'll make more sense in a week or two if this work out. If not you'll just never hear about it again blog! Today has been pretty great! And Blockbuster is doing some awesome things with incentives. LIke if I sell 40 blue passes I get $120. If I sell a DISH Network Contract I get $50 dollars, also candy bundles and used movie bundles. Not counting the 10 movies I get for free a week and I can pre order movies and get them when they get out. I'm pretty psyched about life right now! Kind of not looking forward to all the school drama.

Destroying my gaydar one awesome person at a time.

Alright, I initially opened this post for a reason, but as I waited for this page to load I watched this video on youtube that I knew I was going to regret immediately. I do. It's this video called, "Huge Cyst removal" It was so disgusting. i'm still frowning in disgust. EEWWWWWW Don't watch it. Just don't it's gross. I mean, I don't feel nauseous but I don't want to think about the topic I want to talk about right now. I'll just take a small break before I start writing my next topic. Okay. I've had an entertaining youtube video to get my mind off the above On to the actual topic at hand. I am SO frustrated with the awesome girls who have no problem talking about their lesbian friends because they are just normal people and they are like duh they are normal jeez. Because I CAN'T TELL IF THEY ARE GAY OR NOT! They throw my gaydar for a loop. I mean hipsters stir up some problems but awesome accepting girls. I'm just like... Do I just WANT them to be gay, therefore I'm making them gay in my mind? Or are they gay and I just don't know? I love them so much for being awesome and accepting and treating everyone equally as it should be, but in this transition period where there is a small chunk of people who make no qualms about the life of someone who is gay and a large majority of those accepting are gay themselves, it's just reallyl hard to tell and my gaydar is thrown for a loop. Like Doder from Youtube. Beautiful Oregon girl. Oregon is a very accepting place a shit ton of cool kids and gay kids live there. It's a very liberal and happy accepting place. Like... I can't tell. She talked about her lesbian friend, which she never said but she was unless she misspoke the entire Vlog. And she did it with no hesitation that involved the friend liking girls, just the awkward should I tell this story or how should I start this so I don't sound like teh bad guy in this story hesitation. So, I can't tell if she's an awesome girl or gay. I kept thinking she was. But her personal life is not at all displayed. So I don't know. I half want her to be gay, I half want her to just be that awesome. I don't even know!

Fingers crossed for a job.

Okay, man. Wow. So! I think that I am going to get the job.. I really don't want to jinx it because I really want this job and really need it. I'm seeing the lady on Monday. She called today and she said she really liked me but she wanted to make sure I am prepared to work there, and honestly I will do whatever which is good because the Blockbuster is high maintenance. I want it to work out, I really do. Man. Dammit. I just want at least this one thing to just work out. At least this. Damn me and this dream of getting into a low paying job. I can't even. Maybe I'll find a nice side job that'll give me some income. Bleh. I think I need caffeine and by caffeine I mean coffee. I haven't had any since I got back or the day before or the week before that fuck mayn. I need coffee. It's what I function on. Urgh. Second paycheck. If I get a job. *fingers crossed* I hope.

Things

In my short 19 years of life I really only have a few regrets. I've done a lot of not good stuff but i don't regret a lot of it. I regret going out with Alex. That is something that should never have happened. I mean, that entire fucked up situation should never have happened. I am still incredibly angry at myself for being a horny fucked up early teenager. The thought of him makes me nauseous. Seriously, to this day. The pure thought of him, that's not including my personal history with him. Just eww. Seriously, all fucked up. I regret not being more serious about music through out high school not just competitions, I would have learned to appreciate music a lot more a lot earlier in life. I regret being a stupid idiot in 9th grade, despite being a fucking up horny teenager, I was still able deny my undeniable feelings for girls. Even with one blatantly flirting with me and basically throwing herself at me, I would have had a way better high school experience. Well, probably harder, but I would have been comfortable with who I was and I wouldn't have still been fucking my FWB. I don't regret having a FWB or who it was, I regret the relationship we had. Specifically me not knowing how to deal with it. I didn't really want a friendship with someone I didn't think I liked. I certainly didn't want a close one. However, it was what he needed and I couldn't handle it. Especially since he only talked to me when we "hung out". I decided to leave him when he needed someone the most and he went around just fucking girls up. Even to this day he's not really okay. I just make it worse every time. For reasonable reasons, but I still regret the entire situation. Not coming out in college. Not making friends because I didn't think I would be back for another year. Putting my parents in major financial struggles. Allowing myself to be affected by events that made me want to change myself. And last but not least, doing that to Miguel. It seems to be my specialty, fucking up relationships with my good friends. Everything else I've grown from. These are the things that are not fixable, almost not worth trying to fix, or things that I don't really know what to do with. All of this has just been on my mind lately and I just needed to write them down. Also, I really need a job. I'm really hoping I get this callback for an interview and I beat out the other kid. I need the job to be able to get my student loans, I need it to pay a 150 school bill and get enough money to at least be able to rent or pay for my flute in payments throughout the year. At least. And get some money to get an IPAD to make up for the shit my laptop now is. It doesn't stay on very long anymore. I haven't tried it all week because I got frustrated with it because I went about 3 days trying to work with it not being able to not overheat in 5 minutes or less. And it's a pain to just turn it on really. The PC I have laying around is shit too. It's XP and so outdated at this point it's not even funny. The graphics card is a joke and I don't even know how old teh sound card is. My laptop is shit but I'm not willing to dish out money for a shit laptop that won't really do everything I need it to. I'd rather deal with an iPad that I actually really want and that would be extremely useful with the schedule I am going to have next semester, especially not having a laptop that works almost, at all. I've uploaded most of my documents and pictures on to different storage places mostly SkyDrive, because I had 25 free GB to store on and a few things on Google Drive and I don't think I left anything on DropBox. I still have files on there, but none extremely important. I'm really frustrated with it. I really wish things would just work. I can't take this laptop from my mother because it is hers and her only means of visual contact she can have with me when I'm in Ohio. I'll find a way to do it with an iPad. I don't know. Life just hasn't been good this past year and a half for my family and I.

Oh the Typos. Childhood Gay Hints

Alright, this is my first official list that I'm calling "Childhood Gay Moments" Okay, shitty name, but! I'll think of something wittier when I'm drunk or not at 4a.m. or both. The list starts here, close to being in chronological order! 1. In kindergarten at age 4 or 5 I thought this girl, my good friend, was the most amazing person ever. She wasn't particularly smart, but she believed in me, let me indulge in my crazy imagination, she would hang out with me, she always said something cool and I wanted to spend all my time with her. 2. 2nd Grade playing outside with the boys during recess, like I always did up to that point because I liked playing outside and running areound and getting rough while the girls just liked to stand around talk, and play on the conventional playground set. My teacher decided to tell my mom when she came to visit me or give me something during recess, that I always played with the boys and that I should be playing more with teh girls. At least I assume that's how it went, I saw my mom and she asked me why I was playing with the boys and that I should play with the girls more. I'm assuming now, that my favorite teacher of both elementary and middle school was homophobic. That's a ball buster. 3. 5th Grade I was talking to a friend well, a not so good friend at that point, she wanted to be cool the group I was in wasn't cool or hip in conventional terms so she decided she needed to be a bitch ass whore towards us to get teh in with the cool group. Little did she know is that I was friends with everyone because I had known them for years and had helped them all out at one point or another. So, I made her cry or she made me cry or I hit her or she hit me I don't remember it all happened during a fiasco when me, the teacher's pet, was put in charge of telling her who talked while she was out for a few minutes and some girl talked and I wrote her name down and then she claimed that I would never put my friend's names down and I told her that was bull and she told me I was full of shit and then I said I would write down "elizabeth's" name if she talked and at that point I had her back but apparently she didn't have mine so she said that we weren't friends and I lost my cool and at some point she was teetering in some sort of inner conflict. So, the teacher came back and I gave her the list or I said no one was talking something. Then "Elizabeth" started crying or something, the teacher asked her to talk to her outside the room, everyone was quite inside because we wanted to know what the hell was happening and then the teacher came in and asked me to talk to her outside the hallway and she asked me if the story "Elizabeth " was saying was true and I was like yeah, but I was crying because this had never happened to me, I thought I was in trouble and the teacher asked us to hug and make up just as class was over, and it was awkward. Things were rocky after that, BUT the gay moment was that she was way more into the real world than I was, I didn't even know what teh fuck ""gay" WAS, or that it was "bad" or whatever else woul dhave been told to me. Because of the incident mentioned above, the teacher later that week had asked us if things were good but what should have been a two second conversation turned into a, "Wait a second girls, I have to go tend to something because someone just called me to do something." So me and he stood and waited and then sat down and waited. So, we were still rocky and we were sort of talking when all of a sudden I was trying to look outside or something and I had to lean over her and so I wouldn't fall on her I but my hand on her thigh, particularly high up on her thigh, but we were in indian style so that wasn't hard to do. especially since this girl was a stick and that was teh most secure and logical place to put it. She freaked out and told me to stop it and in a reprimanding tone, told to stop that because people would think teh wrong thing. To me, totally natural, nothing wrong, to her it was like I was fingering her against the wall. I mean, really? No one was even in the classroom with us. hence me leaning to see who was outside the class. 4. 9th grade! Disney World. My friends were being asses so I found myself another group to hang out with, one that I had gotten along with the day before and the girl "Rubie" was being a very good friend I had known for less than 30 minutes. We hung out a lot and by the second day, this girl was all over me and wanted me to hang out with her, she was clamped on to me and we went through this water ride on the hottest day of the entire trip, midday literally at least 10 times, not counting the times th eguy had just let us go around again, it was a round boat that seated us in couplets and it would spin and bounce of the walls with the rapids, it wasn't a ride you would get particularly wet on, but if you were lucky yyou would hit this terrential down pour near the end. If you were in the right spot. It just happened that this one girl got hit literally EVERY SINGLE TIME, no matter where she sat or who she sat with. We discovered this happy coincidence(for us not the girl) after about round 3. So, if you wanted to get soaked, you sat next to her. Every go around Rubie and I sat next to each other. She made sure of it and stared down anyone who came near me to sit next to me. I even moved once mid ride to witch with someone so I could sit next to her. It was insane. Now, she was super Catholic and hispanic and at one point early on in the me joining the group she tols me that she would find herself having these feelings for women the same ones she would feel towards a guy, and she asked mme if I did too. Now, if you don't rmemeber, Disney is fucking loud. Hundreds of thousands of people in a park causes a shit ton of noise, not counting the hundreds of audio noises going on around teh park and the damn birds. We were walking down this road and she was looking at two women who had a stroller stopped at the edge of the play road fixing up the stroller and making sur ethe baby was good. To me I just thought they were friends because I was stupid and naive back then. That should have been my first clue as to what she was talking about. I just smiled and noded and said yeah. She immedietly was happy and excited a complete contrast from ther solemn and serious girl I had just been nodding to. I hadn't actually completely understood her because it was loud I had already asked her to repeat herself earlier in teh conversation, because her voice was like mine when it was deep enough to not carry over noise, and to top it off she was speaking in spanish as to not alert our white counterparts that she was indeed a little gay. She was ashamed because it was everything she was taught not to be. After failing over and over again to inform her that I wasn't bi or gay, I decided to roll with it, because she was clingy and I kinda liked it after a certain point. Once I strated digging it, she became distant and eventually the last day I hung out with my original group, now that all the drama was done and over with. It was a weird ending to an interesting spring break, and that's the one thing that sticks out in my mind. That was teh last thing I can think of specifically at the moment. I'll update this post or reitterate it with new information as I remember it. But you know.

So accurate it hurts.

You are extreemly particular and demanding, especially in regard to a romantic partner. Although you are quite intelligent, there is an overdeveloped or over appreciated sense of discernment which can block the formation of strong emotional bonds. Similarly, you greatly prize independence, and this obsessive need will further stress the bonds of friendship or romance. You feel a sharp lack of appreciation from the world around you. There is a rising sense of anger and frustration that your friends or loved ones do not respect you or that they treat you with disdain. Often this will be the result of a hostile workplace. The loneliness that comes with this struggle for admiration will often sap your will or make decision making difficult. Accurate. This test was weird. It was painful, scary, unnerving, made me realize nothing and everything. How this test realized who I was, I don't know. Or the variation of answers. It's impressive.

I feel shit

So, I'm kind of a wreck. Some of the things I'm going to write, I probably shouldn't post to the internet but fuck it. I'm slowly dying over here. So, it all just hurts. I wish I was back at school. There are so many things that are going to change next year. One, I'm hoping to lose a significant amount of weight. *crossing fingers* I've always been okay to lose weight, I do it pretty fast until a certain weight, then it is a struggle. I was mostly afraid of just fucking my life up again, not that it can get worse, then again I could become a total whore again. I guess that would be worse. Kind of. I was terrified of going back to that, I was terrified of becoming a horny anorexic bitch again. Worst time of my life. No doubt. So, I'm doing that. But I want to go back to school. It fucking hurts. I want it so bad. I want to fix my grades I want that care free atmosphere. That, I can do anything, spirit. Now, I'm home and the reality of the situation is here. When I chose Marietta, I couldn't afford it, I needed to pay $200 for a deposit and $500 for a down payment. I was a complete and utter wreck about it. It made me want to throw up every moment of every day that summer. I couldn't et any loans and it sucked. My parents were going through a small financial crisis with all the shit that went down with my family. It sucked. So I asked my mom for it and I swore I'd pay it back. I have slightly. She got $300 I think. While I was at school, the plane tickets the guilt ridden money she would sen dme because an asshole in the neighborhood bragged about giving her son, who also is in college, hundreds of dollars at a time. All this money I needed we didn't have. Shit was fucked. And Marietta is known for thinking you have the money readily available the moment they ask for it. So, I was worried about the money, but now I'm here and my parents are getting pink slips and they're afraid of losing the house because we can't pay the bills. All my mom ever talks to me about anymore is how I need a job and she needs a job and how I won't be able to go back to school without it. Because of the ticket let alone the $60 dollar down payment on my student loans and the $150 I need to have paid by the end of May. I have my own shit. And all she ever talks about is money, and how we don't have it. I specifically asked for a hook up at this great job a friend of hers has. I asked her for it a month in advance. She fucking now claims that she didn't think I still wanted to work. I mean what the fuck is that shit? I mean really. I've talked about how I need to get a new fucking flute and all this shit and she thinks that I didn't want to work. Well fuck her for being a lazy ass whore and not getting me the job, because now I'm fucking unemployed and stuck in this shit hole listening to her talk about how we are in deep shit. Does she not think I feel fucking guilty for all of this shit? Guilt is the only thing I feel here. Guilt and anger. Nothing else. That's what plagues my every day, and thinking about how it makes me guilty and angry makes me feel even more guilty and angry, and like throwing up. My every thought is of each and every step that I made to fuck everything up. Every memory is of that. It's killing me. I've thought of killing myself. I mean really I have nothing to live for except for being a fuck up, but I can't even do that because I didn't get the insurance that covers my loans if I die. If I kill myself they won't get anything but more grief and debt. I don't even know what to do with myself. I can't sell drugs, I can't be a prostitute, I can't sell booze to minors. Not because of moral dilemmas with it but because I'm nit hot enough, I don't know anything about the drug industry, and I'm not of age nor do I have a fucking fake ID. I don't know how to get money fast. I don't know what to fucking do. I'm stirring in just a mess of negative. It's worse than when I was depressed beyond belief. I wish it was back then. At least the pain was only towards myself. My actions only accounted for myself. I mean. I'm never going to get over this guilt. My moms sold her precious rings, that she's worn and adored since I can remember and probably decades before then, for stuff for me, for the bills that we can't pay. For the credit cards she's maxed out. How am I going to make up for that. How am I going to make up for the emotional agony I've put my parents through. I can't even be in the same room as them, because my mom will start talking money and I'll feel like shit, so I shut down. I become cold, hard, and uncaring for everything. I'm short and curt and I leave fast. I was eating something yesterday and my mom decided to sit there with me and eat and she talked about everything with money and I felt like throwing up. I was only half way through my enchiladas she made when the nausea really set it and I tried to force myself to finish but I couldn't with the last few bites. I wanted to throw up, the guilt was so immense. And then my mom thought I didn't like it and she felt bad, and then that made me feel so guilty because I was mad at her. I was mad at her for being poor, for being so stupid, for not realizing she was making me sick, for making me feel guilty, for reminding me of what a fucking terrible person I am. I'm so fucking selfish. So fucking selfish. I failed a class, I got a c- in a class I needed a c in and now I have to retake it. My GPA is in teh shitter, I lost a scholarship. I major scholarship. I had a chance to tell them an extreme situation that might have caused me to suck in school. But what was I going to say. Oh, I'm sorry I sucked. I was dealing with the whole "being a lesbian thing" and losing a best friend. and then another, and then the whole being depressed thing, then the shutting down thing and guilt and then my grandmother dieing and the unexpecte result that had in my emotional state. I mean fuck man. I couldn't say that. And if I did, and sold it really well, I needed a faculty member to vouch for me. Who was going to do that? The professor I hate the most? No. No one knows anyways. No one knows what the fuck is wrong with me. I didn't tell anyone. My behaviour was different and erratic and anyone from here would know something was up and would have asked me to talk about it, but peoplle up there didn't know any better. They don't know what's normal and what's not. Cheyenne know's normal but we don't talk. I'm fucked, waiting for a job that I'm probably not going to get. Being $200+ in debt and desperatly needing to pay it off. I hate not working. I hate not doing anything. I hate being stuck here, in this house that reminds me of all that I might not have if a miracle doesn't happen. You know... I've prayed. Sort of. Just asking God, Jesus, whoever. To just help my parents out. They don't deserve this. They might be shit with money, but they don't deserve this. They're old, and getting to point of retirement. They need the rest they've spent their entire lives going through hell and back to survive in Mexico, to survive here. I asked for him to give me hell if he wanted to punish them, so they could be okay with the world. Because, really that's all I have left. Praying and trying to make deals with a deity I don't believe in, because my parents do, and if they do then they should be better off for it. not going through hell because of me. I need them to be okay. But it didn't work. I really wanted it to work. I needed it to work. This shit about God not giving you more than you can handle is shit. Because my parents have gotten shit and more their entire lives and they can't handle it anymore. I hate myself for this. I hate myself so much. I loathe myself. I just want to be physically tortured because I can't handle my pain on the inside anymore. I've given up. I'm just in a stasis now. I don't care about anything anymore. I don't remember why I liked music. I don't remember why I liked technology. I don't remember what passion was. I've lost my will completely. The only thing that has me going is teh fact that school, college is what my parents have ever wanted for me. And they deserve that. It's the only thing I can give them now. Because I've fucked everything else up. I've only started to fuck up school. I can still fix that. I can still do better. Even if that means I have to make myself miserab;e and becaome everything I never wanted and take all the "Way to be a better student" crap I'm going to get from fucking Marshall when I start getting straight A's. When we make my schedule for the 2nd semester, that's all that it's going to be. Him talking about and asking me what changed and himself taking credit. I have a right of mind to just tell him I'm getting straught a's because I'm miserable and everything I'm doing is just to get a stupid grade of an A. That I don't care about anything anymore but an A. Not the fucking content not the knowledge and experience just a fucking A. Because apparently that's all that fucking matters. not that I can apply it. Just that there is a nice fucking shiny pointy A. You know what else is shiny and pointy Marshall? World? My fucking razor, and at least that brings me pleasure along with the pain. I hate it. I hate it all. I can't stand anything and I can't even kill myself or do anything fucking stupid. All I can do is feel it. Just like Naomi said in skins. She feels shit, but all she can do is feel it. She can't do anything anything but feel it. I understand it now. All I can do is feel it. I fucked up a great freindship I had with Miguel. You know? I still have the message he sent me saying farewell. It wasn't his final farewell. But it was the most strongly worded farewell. I feel like the worst scum of the earth because of that. And then my parents. But all I can do is feel it. I've thought about talking to Miguel again. But how can I do that? It'd be like a rapist asking their victim if they wanted to become their significant other. I'd be doing something just to selfishly make me feel better because I liked talknig to him and being real. I can't fucking smoke like I did in college I can't drink. I can't do anything. I could try cutting but I don't know where I'm going to work so I can't do that until I see teh uniform. I could have to wear khakis and the blood would go straight through. I hate everything right now, but especially myself. All I can do is feel it. With every pore of my being.