looking back on the semester

In the process of trying to write here, I almost started a new blog. Hey, I might you never know. Just switch it up on you haha. So last time I posted/ had time to post I was in a whirlpool of scared. Now, I'll never admit it, but I was. Maybe not in a normal way but I was. It's terrifying going up north, being hispanic, being poor, and mostly being gay. All of that is reason enough for some people to hate me. Just one of those is enough. Now, I'm not ashamed of any of these, and the only one I would care to change is the poor one. I love being hispanic and from the south and I love loving people, most of them just happen to be girls. I was still struggling with it. I know I like girls and I was struggling with saying that I'm a lesbian. Not that that's the issue, it's all the problems that come along with it. It really is just enough to scare me shitless. It's like I want to get out there but I'm afraid to be out there. It scary you know? It's nice and safe being relatively in the closet. It's like my nice warm blanket that just came out of the dryer. And coming out is like a major blizzard. It's fucking terrifying. But it's okay. It's not really any less scary. But I'm okay with it. All of that just got in the way with me. I was attempting to be someone I'm not. And that just doesn't roll well with me. It really affected my grades. That and my douche bag teacher. Man, he just fucked me over, but whatever. Next semester is a new start. I only have one class with douche bag. The teacher not Tara. Tara has a boyfriend now. Which I find hilarious, at least it'll get her off my back. Especially since he's "long distance". I really hope she doesn't hold this over me or anyone else doesn't hold that over me. If I were interested in guys or just certain guys I would have a boyfriend and life would be so much easier, but alas, life has decided to throw me for a complicated loop. Now, a common misconception within my friends is that I'm confident, a risk taker, and courageous. I actually am a complete and total coward. I get spurs of courage here and there but for the most part,I'm a coward. I generally get courage through people, so I'm hoping one day I'll find that someone who will inspire me to always be courageous. 2012... It's coming up. I really don't feel it. It's actually christmas ever. I didn't even know. I'm sort of jaded. I experience things. I feel the emotions, but if I don't like them I just shove them away some where in my mind. I don 't know where. I can kind of feel the tension. It's not healthy and I convince myself that if I didn't do that I would go back. I'd be back to the days where everything hurt and everything didn't hurt. All at once. I have to say that's the most terrifying thing. I'm terrified of myself. I'm scared shitless of going through that again. If you've ever been through it you know. I felt terrible at all times. I would feel pain that nothing but a release of endorphins would fix. So, I surpress. Not healthy AT ALL. Like I said. I'm a coward. Also, crying gives me a headache so I'd rather not do that. I feel like I'm a broken mirror that was pieced together with some mysterious solvent and I've dried now it's time to be taken off the thing I was laid upon and I'm scared I'll just fall apart again. Everything is just so ugh. One thing goes right and 100 other things go wrong. It really sucks ass. Maybe I'll gather some courage. I really hope I do.

Before I start getting ready for this rave at 9:30p.m. I've decided. I'm just going to let it go. I will be her friend. And I leave it that. It's a drama I don't need right now. A relationship would be nice, yes. But I'd rather come out first. I want to inform people I'm gay. I'm thinking of cutting my hair short. I don't know how it'll look now. I'll give it a few days, but I want to cut it. Having it the way I have it now just provides me a nice lame pony tail. I want to do something fun. I'm going to buy a new straightener. Mine was lost with my luggage. It's lame, because I REALLY liked that straightener. I would buy shit for my hair and do shit with it. But yeah. I'm just going to let it go. I was thinking about it yesterday and this past week. I know this guy who likes her. And he is a good guy. Exactly what she needs. I don't mind just being her friend. Just knowing she's happy is enough in all honesty. I enjoy her company. After she starts going out with the guy, I'll tell her I'm gay. Oh, yeah she likes him too. I don't mind, I'm glad she found someone that she likes and that he likes her too. It's great for her. I'm happy. Really. It's no lie. I mean, I'm sure it'll sting a bit. But Robert is a sweet heart and Julianne needs that and I'm glad it'll happen, I will let it run it's course. If things don't happen for like another week or two, I'm interfering. Fo real. They would go well together. But yeah, I told her I liked someone. I have to think of someone I actually might like that is a girl. I mean, I think a lot of girls are hot, but no real crushes. Other than Julianne ya know. She honestly thought I liked Robert. I was like... nooooooo I do not like the same person as you TRUST me. She wouldn't I don't KNOW how else to gay up myself. In all honesty I am a very non feminine girl. I mean I can. And I will look good. But, I don't like dressing up every day. I'm a v-neck boxers and jeans type of girl. I would wear the easiest thing. A funny t-shirt. A button up if I owned any. I mean. I don't have a lot of clothes thank to being poor and all. It doesn't help that I go shopping with my mother, and she doesn't know, so I can't go to the guy section and buy guys clothes. Like fo real. Lol, I like saying that "Like fo real" Just saying Any ways yeah. I guess my gay doesn't radiate off of me or something. It's weird. I guess. Or maybe they don't want to jump and judge me. Idk. I need my face to clear up. Seriously, it's getting on my nerves. it just gets worse and worse. Fucking sucks. My complexion has never been perfect but it has never been this bad. Damned college. Anyways, I'm going to get ready for the rave YAY! Dancing on who ever I want.

On a side note

I'm bored at the moment and I haven't written in a while. So I just want to get all my current thoughts down so in the future I know what's happening. It's really weird and cool and not cool that no one here knows my secrets. No one here, except my roommate knows I used to cut. So did she, that's how she found out I told her. She knows I used to be severely depressed. So did she. She knows I smoke, so does she. I don't think I told her I've fucked someone before. Other than her. No one knows much about my personal life. They don't know I'm gay. At least not from me, I mean, seriously I looked WAY gay today. Black V neck, baggyish jeans and I was wearing girls boxers which are basically shorter boxers, and you could see the wide name brand strip like guys under wear has, whenever my shirt would raise because I was stretching. Like, for real. I look extremely gay a lot of the time. They don't know I don't mind smoking. They know I've drunk before. They don't know I've had sex before. And if they find out I've had sex before, they don't know that I have had sex multiple times before. They don't know I've cut. They don't know I've been depressed. They don't know about my idiotic past. They know all the good things like. I'm an idiot and a liberal person. They know I'm very, "just fuck it". They know I'm very optimistic. I look in the good of everything. They know I hate Tara, except Tara and a few others. They know I like to laugh. They know I am happy and I like the cold. Really just surface things. I have a feeling Katie and Julianne will be the first to ever learn about anything from my past. The complicated part of my past. If anyone. I mean eventually someone is going to know. Something will happen and I will need someone here. Like so far I've been able to control my extremely negative thoughts and steer myself away from wanting to cut myself. I've not mentally broken down, not have I yelled in anger at anyone. I have controlled my anger very well. So I've done pretty good. This whole, me having a crush on Julianne is cooling me off pretty well. Tomorrow which is technically today. There is this rave thing at a frat house. And it's supposed to be bad ass. And I'm taking Julianne and I'm really really REALLY going to restrain myself from dancing behind her in a way I would if I were dancing dancing with a girl. Not just the normal way you do with your friends that you don't want to be romantically involved with. So yeah, HUGE test there. Especially since I hear it's going to be packed. Like. I dunno what I shall do. Self control XD I don't know how that works with me around girls I like when I can actually make a move. Like Angeli, I couldn't I valued my position, my reputation, and our friendship too much. With Gil, I valued our friendship too much, I valued the fact that I didn't want to just fuck him and just be another person I've fucked and that he's fucked. No matter how much I've wanted to fuck him. The one guy that I could probably ever like that much. It was ridiculous. Julianne on teh other hand. Jesus. She's the first actual girl crush who can actually get to know me for me. These are my constant thoughts when I'm with her, and urges I have to do. I always want to wrap my arms around her and hug her from behind. I always want to b her body warmth. I always want to tell her she's gorgeous and that she doesn't have to worry about the world and that the world needs to worry about her. I want to run my hands down he sides and arms. I always want to run my hands through her hair. I always want to just protect her and make sure no one hurts her. I want to tell Aaron to fuck off and leave her be and that he hurt the person who has won over my affection and that he needs to stop being near her before I attempt to kick his ass and fail miserably(he's a black belt in like everything). I want to make sure that she's always okay and that if she needs something I can just hug her and make it go away. I just want to hold her really. Once I hit the wanting to always kiss her stage, that means I legit like her and that my liking her is going to really suck. Because, again I'm 80% sure she is straight. Darn emotions. I really am avoiding saying I really do like her, just because of that. If I say I like her then my emotions will run free.

My Comm 101 topic for my persuasive speech in a month or so? Basically it's saying be a rebel and don't be a push over. Obedience of Corpses or Blind obedience. That's teh fancy way My justification, it has to be a change of policy. My policy? Basic human policies that we learn. Rules of thumb. Our own mental policies. Which ever one of those sounds the best. It's going to be fun, because I go to school with a bunch of prudes. To structure our speech he wants us to ask our selves why until we get to a very basic issue. Tara is like "I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO THIS. WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?!" I'm just like. Don't do it. If you can't work it out that way, fuck it. No big deal, then she's like, "NO BUT I CAN'T WE HAVE TO DO IT THIS WAY!" I'm like, this is stupid shit. There's not need for this. I can speak and do fine, all the logistics can go suck a fat smelly donkey dick. And I told her, seriously if you don't need to do it, don't. But she doesn't learn. She follows orders. She would be the one who would have walked in formation and waited to get shot back in the old school wars. She would have been one of those dumb asses. So, she inspired me, along with my need to not do something easy or something normal. So this is my quota for not normal and epic. My last speech, the informative one? The actual speech itself got a 90, well it would have been a 90 if it weren't for the fact I hate citations. So I was like fuck it. But I almost COMPLETELY winged my speech. I looked for articles, saw what they were about. I got like a 70 on my outline. Because I think outlines are the stupidest shit in the world. Granted my thoughts would have been slightly more organized. But I was a pro. Now, my persuasive speech is going to be bad ass. Because I'm a pretty bad ass speaker. I can speak bull shit as fluently as spanish and english. It's my 3rd language basically. So if I actually PREPARE, my speech will be so bad ass that Tara will be like fuck. I'm not as great as I think I am. She really and honestly believes she's better than me. She studies. I don't. I don't particularly like it, and if it's not in my major, it can go suck it. And I would study for theory, if it weren't so easy for me. And if I weren't basically back in my 11th grade year Pre-AP theory class. And if my other classes weren't pointless. I'm a horrible student, but if I really ever wanted to, I can just go into major beast mode. And do bad ass. The thing that sucks however, is when I'm being graded. So this time I give a speech since it's such a rebellious topic I'm just not going to give a damn. Just like honey badger. Or Chris from Skins Gen. 1. I'll let you know what happens. Also, I practiced for a total of 5 hours on piano for my midterm and my abilities. Tara, practices at least an hour a day and like 3 hours the day before the midterm. I got a 91, Katie and Julianne both said I got a better grade than Tara. Tara gets better grades because she mechanically does everything, she doesn't try and learn. Sorry, I'm just talking about how I'm actually better than Tara. It just gets aggravating when you are hanging out with this bitch and have her in every class and she sees your grades and thinks you are an idiot. She also thinks everyone is an idiot., “Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.” She's the one that expects everyone to climb a tree. So, I'm going to LAUGH MY ASS OFF, when she's the one that climb the tree. Because maybe then she'll understand other people. Maybe I'm just a hippie or very liberal. But everyone is born with the same abilities, it's just a matter of who develops what and what they do. I dunno. I have a very open way of seeing things. I have my own personal beliefs, like everyone has their own story. You can judge someone, but you can't condemn them for it. Everyone should have a say, even if they are wrong. They need to speak so then they can have their ideas heard and rebutted. Or it's your body do as you please, it's your life love who ever. Do what makes you happy not what society says make you happy. Like, seriously? Just like a happy life. If you are super catholic or religious and your religion says you're going to hell for loving someone of a different gender, who gives a fuck? I'm going to live an unhappy sham of a life just to make my religion happy? To make them happy? Like what the fuck is that shit? We just need to accept each other and move on. Maybe someone is a bitch ass hoe, but just accept her for being a bitch ass hoe, and move on. There's no need to associate with them if they make you unhappy. Like, what is that shit? Okay, this some how turned into a rant. Just have to say, this is why my persuasive speech is going to be bad ass. Just saying. I may have not persuaded you with my pure words, but, hey. Wait until my intonation and pauses and physical cues are thrown in to something like the above. It'll be awesome. I was going to do something more about the world. But everyone else can do that. I just want to speak about our own personal restrictions. Just have to say, I'm not an anarchist. Just believe in not blind obedience and that if someone is violating my individual rights, they can go suck it. I basically wrote a rough draft of my speech in comm when the guy was telling us something about how to give the speech and how to make it persuasive. I actually tuned out almost completely when he started talking about something along the lines of Hank, the made up idiot who was on a motorcycle with out a helmet and crashed and died. It was so bull shit that I started to zone out and I thought about what I could do. So, I did it. And then he said something about topics. I thought about how Tara was using my last topic and the other things I could do would be too similar to her, and really, just being compared to her pisses me off. So I do things to start preventing that. So, then I told Tara to fuck the system of the Why, and she was like no. And it clicked. Obedience of Corpses. She was a perfect example she's a goody two shoes. I actually wasn't going to write this much, it was just going to be the first 2 lines and I was going to be done. So now I'm done! Have a nice night/day!

Will work for more Gay in my LIfe

Ah, blog. You are like my safe haven. Ugh. I need to gay up my life. Though I have to say, I can actually get close to Julianne and she doesn't move away. Breaking down personal bubbles FTW! I swear I don't know what to think. She's worn plaid. We hang out significantly longer and more often now. We are entering the stage where we can speak more freely and also. She does things because she knows it'll make me happy or because we spoke about it 2 or 3 days ago or even a week or two ago. So either, her gay is showing, or she is just turning into a good friend. It does NOT help that she is hung up on her first crush at this school. Like WTF? I dunno, I'll still have a crush on her and I'll keep trying, but having her as a good friend could work too. I mean, she's smart, fun to talk to, funny, fun, interesting, good company, active, and generally fun. LOL That reminds me, yesterday we were hanging out in Katie's room and we started talking about how people dance and grind. And if we look back to 2007-2008 school year, we know I was a horny bitch. So. Yes, I have grinded and I have danced in a dirty manner before. So they were like I've never grinded and blah blah. I was avoiding the topic like the plague, because my past, not so pretty. One day. And they were like have you? And after like a half a second pause I was like, we don't speak of those times XD Like, I keep saying things that insinuate that I have had sex before, I have drunk before, I have smoked before, and 'normal' stuff like that. And I keep mentally scolding myself, because I don't need them to know at this point of our friendship. So yeah... Also, I don't really think they know I'm gay. Once again, I don't act very straight. But yeah, I've noticed however, that recently I've felt more comfortable being the one who dances behind people, the 'male' role in dancing. And yeah... a bit weird and frustrating. I would love a gay club, or a place where I could just simply grind into some girls. Like fo real. If you want to know some weird shit that happens around where I go to college, Google: Exotic Animals escape Muskingum Some crazy shit, it's also my status on facebook if you have me there. But yes, I need to gay up my life. I've felt very productive lately. I'm very happy. I did well in my lesson. I am hanging out mainly with Julianne, and almost none at all with Tara. I've been practicing, doing all of my homework, I got a 91 ON MY PIANO MIDTERM FUCK YES! Katie is a close friend also. I feel like I'm making progress. I am ALMOST done with preparing for the Blood Drive my 3 person group is hosting for Make a Difference Day on Friday. Everyday this week there is something entertaining I'm going to with just Julianne or her and Katie. Not Tara :D My life is SO much better when Tara isn't in my life 24/7. She is just so fucking negative. This is how our auras interact. She has a black aura(not really but this is my analogy) and mine is white. When ever she is around it starts tainting and turning gray, and the longer I'm near her the darker the gray gets and if I'm around her for a long enough time period it starts turning black. And with julianne I associate her with red, so I don't mind it. And Katie is an orange, which I don't mind I like hanging with reds oranges, greens, browns, sometimes blues depends on what shade. I'm synesthetic, so I associate things with colors. Like numbers and letters all have different colors. Not always the same day to day, but for the most part they stay one color. Fun. But Tara, I can only tolerate her.

Info.

So I need to think of a topic for an informative speech. I think I'm going to fail comm. 101 No lie. I feel beyond overwhelmed. I have to remember about 10 different classes, and 10 different commitments, 7 different days in a week and all of them something different. It's a bit ridiculous. Ugh, organization. So you know Tara, right? The annoying negative attention seeking bitch? Well, she's getting. That love she needs from everyone. She's not my type of people, and yet everyone likes her. I don't know about things really. I don't go spouting out rumors or hate towards others, I don't plague others with my issues. I just keep all of that to myself or tell people I've known for more than a month. It's a bit frustrating.... I have been thinking about things. And you know this whole national coming out day? Well, if you didn't it's coming soon. So, instead of being a brave mo fo and coming out to the world. I'm just going to make sure my oldest friends know for sure. Not like I act very straight. Anyways. I don't enjoy this whole not having good friends, like the people here aren't the personality type I hang out with or approve of. Also, I need to start working out. This fall break when i'm not going to shoot myself because I'm so busy and stressed. I'm going to make a very strict schedule. And the only one I'm willing to break that schedule for, will be Julianne. And if I ever win her over, then I will schedule time for her instead of screwing with my schedule. It'll be easier when it'll be fine to know her entire schedule and not be creepy. By approve of, it doesn't mean like promiscuous or anything stupid like that. I mean, that they are pessimistic unhappy people who judge and critic. Complaining to a friend or 3 is fine. But when you start spreading rumors, I'm going to need you to shut the fuck up and remember you don't know their lives, and their life isn't meant to pass your time. Words hurt them as much as they do you. Stop making up rumors, spreading things around, and telling people things about their lives. It's people like them that make the world a shit place. People like them are the reason kids KIDS kill themselves. The reason they don't want to live life anymore because other kids learn from behaviors that it's okay to tell people that their way of life i wrong and they should be judged. Maybe I'm just a crazy liberal idiot, but I think we are all the same species, and we all have to live this life. We are all the same. It just pisses me off. The gay guy judges the christian girl who gives her perspective, the pro life kids judge the pro choice kids. The tall chubby girl judges the promiscuous skinny girls, the against drinking girl judges the girl who sleeps with several guys because she is in pain. Seriously. I'll tell you, but the girl EVERYONE is talking about, because she has a different boyfriend often and sleeps with guys. Yeah, she is adopted, she has lived in Japan away from US customs, she lives in a military family, she was sexually abused and raped when she was younger. She doesn't dress in a sexy way or revealing way, she doesn't do anything like that. So why do you think you are entitled to judging her. It's just really been on my mind because my friends won't STFU about it. It's literally been weeks. ANYWAYS! I'm so tired of school and not having everything to be prepared. So done. I can't wait until I can go home and hang out with my friends. I miss them so.

Ranting Session: Sad/ Confused/Pain

Of course the one fucking day and the one fucking moment I need someone to distract me from life, no one answers their phone, or replies. Even the reliable one. I was trying my best to not turn to this. But right now I've been on the verge of tears for about 30 minutes and counting. I cried while calling my mom. Just a bunch of shit. I haven't talked to her in a while because I forget to call her. I know, I'm a horrible person. Anyways, I called her and texted her today after she sent me this dramatic text. So, I talked to her. And I don't tell her about any of my hardships up here because that would be another level of stress she doesn't need. She asked me if I got my loans. I just said yes. I should have them. I don't know where they are. I know I have no money. Someone was supposed to contact me and they were supposed to tell me where that money was supposed to go. So I don't know. It's stupid. She asked me. And told me she needed to know, because she's going to declare bankruptcy. She can't pay the bills and it's becoming too much. She's closing all her accounts. I don't really know what to think. I don't know how to function right now. My mother is declaring bankruptcy. Like, what the fuck. I don't even know, and I'm already in an unhappy mood. Like, what is my reaction supposed to be? Basically, she won't be able to cosign anything of mine. I'm pretty much screwed. I am probably going to come back here to Marietta because I'm sure I'll be able to find a lot more scholarships that would pay for my everything basically here. I don't know. I'm just so confused but I know I'm sad. And that's all I feel, anger, hurt, and pain. I can't even remember what cheers me up I'm so shrouded by the pain. Like. I don't even know. Talking on the phone all I wanted was to smoke or drink or anything that would calm my ass down and give me temporary clarity. I know, that sounds like an oxymoron, but it's true. I'm just so stressed over everything. Just every day life sucks right now. I'm sure I look miserable, no doubt. I'm like 5 seconds away from just going to walgreens or cvs and buying a pack of cigarettes. I just am so fucking stressed out. But of course most of it is over money, so that would be counterproductive. I'm just ranting. It's the few hours in my life that I am going to feel utterably miserable. I can't even be pissed. It sucks. Usually I can just get rid of my emotions via hate and rage. Not today and it SUCKS. I'll be better tomorrow I just needed to get that out of my system. I still feel pain and no better. But it's out there and I have 'rationalized' why I feel like shit. Just fuck

The next step to trying to win a straight girl's heart? Well, semi. The first step was getting to be a close friend, or at least someone she trusts. To the point where you can enter her personal space no issue. Now, It's subtle flirting, turning the adorable, hot, airy but clear toned voice to medium when you 2 are alone. We have entered that phase. I still have to be careful, because the signals I'm being sent are going every where. She's going with what society says and her naiveness. Along with using you sexy voice when alone, if the girls is naive, you have to play your cards where it's not normal girl friend to girl friend behavior. It's not the easiest thing to do. But I think she's worth it. Now, I'm going to be pretty unhappy if I'm shot down. But, it could happen one day. Right now I'm still playing it by ear. Just fyi. Try and like the girls who have had experience with relationships before and aren't so innocent. It's just really hard to play by ear that way. Because they don't know how to act. In just general situations. And it really, really sucks. Man. Things will be so much easier when I'm in. Anyways! I did a lot of shit this weekend nothing the typical fun thing, it's the boring nerd fun things that you just have to love. ALSO, I think this girl thinks I like her. I don't. Not at all. She's not my type. It's a bit awkward. Very awkward. It's like... stay away when we are alone. No touchy. No touchy. Thank you. On a side note, I need to go start working out.

2 days

I'm about 2 seconds away from shooting Tara in the face. I don't know how people act up in the north, but down where I'm from we don't fucking assume shit. So don't go assuming I'm going to go eat dinner with you. Why can't I just yell at her? Because all my classes with her of course, and if I ever need something she's the one I have to go to. I hate her with a passion. Sometimes she's okay, but she talks about her life 24/7 could give less of a shit about your life and she will try and get her way and be annoying about it. It is all about her own prerogative. She BITCHES at her parents, she insults them. She plain disrespects them. I've met her mom, she's cool and means the best. Tara is a cold hearted bitch. I feel bad saying that, but I spend the most time with her and that's who she is. I wish I didn't have to know her. I do wish she would transfer schools. There are regular character traits that I don't care for that she has, but I could deal with those if it weren't for her being such an asshole all the time. I'm like so done. I'm glad I have fall break to myself next week. She wanted to take me to her home, but she's too much of a bitch. I couldn't live with her 24/7. At least here it's on my own terms. Anyways! On another note, Julianne, the girls that I had the crush on. I'm working on it. It's tough. She sends more mixed signals than the bible. Sometimes I think I'm bringing her over to the side with cookies, but then she takes a very straight tone. Man, it's really hard work. Because she's a bit fragile now, she had this crush on this guy, who is a man whore, she didn't know. She made out with him. Which she doesn't do. And then he moved on to fuck several other girls. Hard hit on her. It hurts a bit. I'm trying REALLY hard not to like actually fall for her. I want it to stay at crush so if she doesn't find the ways of the female species to be amazing, it doesn't hurt me too much. If I have to go that far I will, but right now, things are good at crush level. Subtly is my forte though. So I can so easily do so many things. Just little by little. Like encroaching on her personal space. I'm a pro. Considering I took advantage of Ang. because she loved to hug me. I learned fast. And I am a huge pro now. I'm writing this over a span of like 2 days so my emotions have changed. I had a fun day.

Life is frustrating right now. You know, I fucking love girls right? Like I would love and marry the shit out of a girl. Well, I feel like I'm in high school all over again and just hiding behind the closet door. I know no one thinks I'm gay, why? Because the girl I hang out the most with called her friend way more liberal than me, and she started out with saying how she was a lesbian unlike me. I'm not hiding if someone asked I would say yeah, I'm about 80% girl loving 20% guy loving. So, it's bothering I have NO one to talk to about these gay feelings just emitting from my every pore. Like if it weren't for my physical attraction to girls I would forget I was basically a lesbian because that's how much I restrain myself. I do, however, do the guy thing and appreciate a girl with really legs, and butt and body. One can't help it. But, seriously bothering the fuck out of me. To add on to frustration, Gil and I haven't spoken in about 2 weeks, if not more. I actually do miss him a lot, considering he just knows me, and I know him. We had good talks he could tell me anything I could tell him anything, it was great you know? But I'm sure he's found a great community of friends and I'm stuck with the anti-social crowd. Always the fucking anti-social crowd. Tara hates everything and complains about everything, Katie hates people and prefers not to socialize, Julianne(I actually have a slight crush on her) is socially awkward. I wish I would have joined a sorority considering they are actually bad ass here and not just drunk ass holes like at other schools. I want to speak to him. But he's moved on and probably no longer even thinks about silly old me. Story of my fucking life. No friends and no ability to get a girlfriend due to the fact I have some lame ass appeal and there are almost no lesbians here.

Okay guys! Serious shit time of the month! So! A few days ago, I think either earlier this week or late last week I got really pissed off at Gil. I was attempting to keep conversation with him. He's my friend, one of my best friends, and I wanted to keep in touch. So I was fighting against being tired and busy and past him being tired and busy and I tried speaking with him. Honestly at the end it was like he wasn't even paying attention to what I was writing. I don't know if he was or wasn't but that's what it felt like and... ugh. So I told him, in a very pissy way. Then after I calmed down and he yelled back at me, I decided to tell him what the fuck I was feeling still angry but less bitchy. Just angry and hurt. He didn't reply. I haven't talked to him sense. It hurts, but not as bad as before. I just miss him. I miss hugging my friends, I miss getting hugs from my friends. I miss getting attacked by my friends. I miss it a lot. People here are great, but I'm just not there yet with them. I'm kinda afraid I will get too attached if I hug them, or that I will just like, hang on for dear life because it's just so painful being away from those who love me and the ones I love. I miss Gil, I miss Angeli, I miss Keonna, I miss Taylor, I miss Kristine, I miss Kristina, I miss Fernando, I miss Jacque, I miss Mai, I miss bendorf, I miss AP theory, I miss Taylor S., I miss Vince. Man. I'm just lonely in the midst of friends. I feel that Julianne can be one of those friends, like I feel a weird connection to her. It's weird. But I do. Anyways. I just though you guys should know.

I am so fucking exhausted, but this is the only time I will be able to motivate myself to write this. Super condensed version. I got a job speaking spanish for an hour everyday. I wrote a speech about 20 minutes before I had to present it. I made 2nd chair out of the 4 of us. I'm the only freshman. Emma is 3rd, she's a junior. Chris is 1st, he's a senior. Diane is last(she didn't audition she's doing it later), I think she's either a senior or junior. Tara made wind ensemble, 3rd chair out of like 7. Tara is my mus. ed friend here. I'm volunteering somewhere far away to walk to. Shoot me. I still have no money. From my loan, which means I don't have my books. I hate life. I'm tired and I really hate taking showers here. I practice. I suck at piano. I wish it would die. I am slacking. I'm sure I'm failing 3 of my classes due to lack of me turning in work. My tests are beast, I just hate doing stupid homework. And not having a book to do it with. So that pisses me off. I'm being really lazy. I want mexican food, or taco bell, I want to not be afraid to touch things in the 2 by 2 shower stall. I am complaining on here because Tara is a little pessimistic bitch, so I can't complain or say the negative things on my mind. I really miss keonna, angeli, my gil, and people from school. I want my hug from angeli. I want to hug Gil goodbye. I want a hug. Like. I'm so lonely. No lie. On the bright side I think I made a friend with this girl named Julianne. I really, legit want to get to know her. She seems legit and fun. It appears that she likes me too. So I think I made a new friend. Tara is think ing of transferring next semester. Which would kinda be good and bad for me. I would finally be able to branch out and be friends with other people because I always feel bad leaving her alone when I speak to others. But bad because she reminds me of all my homework I have to do. Ugh. I've met basically her entire family. Her mother, father, only sister, grandmother, grandfather, aunt, fake uncle, and her 2 little cousins. I am tired. as heck like for real.

I don't have much time as to the fact it's 12:18 and I need to go take a shower and WAKE up at 8 a.m. which I didn't do today.

Today was amazing the people are great. It feels like the most accepting place. It's 60+ of us plus the leaders.

Leadership is fucking amazing. They love you for you. I groped the hell out of people due to the fact we did a lot of things like squished next to each other while standing on two wires suspended between to tree trunks and we had to pass eachother and not fall and the only way to do that was to get up close and personal, to maintain balance and keep the person about to fall on. A lot of groping on the cube exercise. We couldn't help it.

It was awesome all in all. Loved it. i'm loving it here. And I have NO crufew! Yay no curfew!

Just A Chat

It's official I am such a Youtube fanatic now.

I said I would never.

And I am.

I blame Minecraft. God, why does it have to be so fucking addictive.

I've LITERALLY walked/boated around for like 3 hours looking for my house.

I died once, I ran around looking for my stuff, I ended up not finding it. I found teh place where I died later.

I also just inventory edited my stuff, I wasn't going to find it in time and there was no way I was going to just leave it there.

On the bright side, I got so immensely lost I'm barely finding places I kind of recognize.

I'm using this mod where it gives you seasons and I left at the beginning of spring(each season is 7 minecraft full days) and it's autumn. This is ridiculous.

I'm seconds away from just making a waypoint and killing myself. It's ridiculous how lost I am.

Totally worth it though, but I've run out of my inventory.


ANYWAYS!!!

I've probably had the worst 2 weeks in my entire life.

But I'll talk about that once I see what the conclusion of this story.

Also, Tumblr... I'm still super hooked, but Youtube is waning me off.

I need a life XDDDD

[Insert title of blog here]

My friend posted something very true.

My friend, Fiona, she was from Hong Kong and transferred here sometime at the end of Freshman year. She basically ruined one of my old bestfriend's life by becoming valedictorian, it was more the fact that she so easily made it there when my friend fought for it until she gave up.

Fuck, sorry, I still get angry when I think about how her life has panned out.

Anyways, She posted that she basically just wasted 4 years of high school studying.

She's going to study art. She's an artist, and she's bloody good. But, jeez.

She's right, she could have just partied through high school.

I'm going to become a music educator. I could easily lie about my past. If I had known. I would have throuwn all my efforts to music and ignored my AP and gone for purely regular and skipping, partying.

God, man. This sucks. All the torture I went through, for nothing. For me to just go into the one thing I always held true but from arms reach.

I fuck. All the stuff I could have done, how much better I could be. But nope. School was always a priority. It shouldn't have been, I mean yeah education great! But differentiation and integration not really a factor of my life anymore. Who John Jay was and Tippecanoe.

None of that matters. What a bummer. If you ask me what I did when I was in high school?

I was in band. I had mostly all AP classes. I studied, I played, I was on the computer a lot.

I had no life. I have no life. It still all goes to studying.

I wish I knew what life had in store for me, if I even serve a purpose here.

What's the point in life if I have no purpose, if I serve no purpose.

I don't believe in a God or deity. I probably should, but I don't, I have to see the apocalyptic hell that is for told in the Revelations part of the bible before I do though.

I do have faith though. Before I didn't. When I stopped believing in God I had lost my faith months before. I lost hold of all that I was surrounded by. But only through years of pain and suffering did I see that you have to have faith in things. Maybe not a God, but faith that good things will happen.

I don't know why I believe in that now, but I do.

I regained faith.

Now you probably think, oh she's just talking about God or the universe or whatever the fuck she believes in. But no. I really had no faith. I didn't have faith that I would do good, I didn't have faith that I would survive, I didn't have faith that I would succeed in life, I didn't have faith in my friends, I didn't have faith in my family, I didn't even have faith in myself, but now I do.

I do believe that good things will come, I do have faith that things do get better, I do have faith in everything... well, not everything, but you know. I have faith now.

It's kind of really hard when you're a die hard pessimist, but life's much less fun when you don't have faith.

The word 'faith' probably holds no meaning anymore after that. The word doesn't mean too much to me after writing that, but the feeling the actual event is still true to me.

It's fucking weird.

I finished watching Buffy like 5 minutes ago, before I started that faith rant.

I kinda liked the ending. I could have used another episode an epilogue, something, but whatever.

However, Kennedy (I believe) other than being very hot and being very lesbian, and being very sexed up with Willow, she wore suspenders in her 2nd to last outfit of the series.

Not JUST suspenders, the typical black pants with a white t-shirt with black suspenders.

Now, other than being STUPID stereotypical(they also did it with Thirteen in House all the time) I've never actually SEEN a real life lesbian/bisexual/likes girls girl wear suspenders. Let alone with a white t-shirt and black pants of some sort.

Now I'm not saying it's not attractive, because it is and a total dead give away to the fact your gay, but seriously t.v? A whole 6-8 years between shows and the only difference is that one's in black suspenders and the other is in brown suspenders.

I mean jeez.

Also, I am so rusty at my gaydar. I try not to notice people so I'm not as stupid observant as I was before, but now I just look at unimportant things to most people.

Like the way they hold themselves, their facial expressions, their face, their demeanor really.

Not really their clothes. Unless they really grab my attention. Like if their demeanor is perfect(in my eyes) I'll go straight for their body(like a horrible person XD). Like Kennedy(I think, I was only paying half attention considering I didn't want to get turned on so late in the morning.

Now, if I've explained this before, I'll do it again because I fending off sleep right now.

I find sex scenes REALLY awkward. Mostly because the pairing isn't right or really awkward.

Willow and Tara? Really awkward. Riley and Buffy, fucking awkward. Faith and Roy, really fucking awkward. Buffy and Spike, pretty good. Kennedy and Willow, pretty good.

And if it's a pretty good pairing I don't find it awkward and I just simply get aroused. Which I kind of like to avoid when it's a show about killing demons and such.

So Kennedy and Willow pretty hot. I found Kennedy hot when she first walked in, in her very early 2000's jacket.

And when I found out she was gay, well just more reason for me not to feel very bad looking at her. So she caught my eye needless to say.

I'm really pretty much rambling.

If you made it this far, kudos. I personally lost track of my point ages ago, but whatever.

Life sucks.

Moral of the story.

SOOOO BORED!!!!

I don't think you understand how bored I am.

I'm on a mission to watch all the Buffy the Vampire Slayer episodes (except the 1st season I've seen those a million times) and I'm on Season 6 out of 7.


You still don't understand?

I am THIS close to staring a fucking GAMING channel. A GAMING channel.

I am just so bored!

I don't start school for another week and a half I think.

After I finish Buffy, I'm going to practice a while for my audition when I touch down OH GOD I HAVE TO GET MY RECOMMENDATION LETTERS FILLED!!! FUCKKKK!!!!

Anyways. Other than being fucking bored.

I am going to go pick up my AP money on Monday, then Harry Potter(AT LAST) on Tuesday with my talking buddy. We've talked through the last 4 movies, where we commented on the inconsistencies.

Hopefully it'll be fun.

It'll probably be the last time I see her.

Lame.

Another Day Another Thought.

Haha! So I finished South of Nowhere. It was... cute? Pure drama of course and that chick Ashley really never got her shit together. But it ended up all happy in the end where they are "married" and are going to have a child. Thanks to Aiden's sperm and .... I forget her name... Spencer's(!) eggs in Ashley's body.

Ah, it had some good moments, I personally hated Spencer. She pissed me off often. So did Ashley.

I kinda sped through the last season, because I already knew what was going to happen.

All in all.... go watch The L Word for 'real' drama.

It was good for I don't know.



Now! I talked to that roommate of mine on facebook. Either she thinks I'm a bitch or she's a bitch. Fun!

Ah, man. It'll be fun XD and I think I'm going to move in several days before her. So... crap.

This'll be fun.

I hope we get along because I know I'm going to spend countless hours trying to not kill myself due to being over worked and having homework due in an hour.


Um... so in this leadership thing I'm in, this chick seems WAY nicer than my roommate!

She's doing music education too and, may I say once again, she seems WAY nicer than my roommate. And she's one of my advisors....

FUCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKK

I have homework. Damn...

Oh well. Later!

My last act of procrastination!

AHA!

humblebundle.com


!!!!

Go my gamers! Go and download awesome indie games all for only 5.06!!!

I do not lie! I already did!

And you can connect via Steam too, if you care to.

It is awesome!

And netflix!

It is so fucking amazing. No lie, so much better than imagined.

Thoughts of today.

I have no idea what to say to my new roommate.

I wrote her TWO messages on facebook and I didn't send one.

The first one because my phone decided to be a bitch. The second one because I sounded TOTALLY lame.

I do better when I can see the body language of someone. I can read people like a book... In front of me.

Also, I found out about South of Nowhere.

It came out the year my mom decided to cancel our internet.

So I'm thinking conspiracy!!!

Man, I probably wouldn't have realized it anyways. I would have been in 6th grade.

Shit wasn't real in 6th grade.

I love how my mom walks in to my room and asks me if I'm going to bed. If I were going to bed, I would be fucking asleep not with everything on. It's pretty annoying.

I would appreciate that she cares if it weren't for the fact she'd always look at me with that, you are making a stupid decision that will fucking disappoint me more than your existence does, look. It's pretty lame. It's the summer why do you give a fuck?

Let me stay up at extreme hours and maybe I'll get practice for when I'm dying in college. Thanks for the support!

I really have no idea where I got my intelligence from.

Both of my parents aren't the brightest.

These are thoughts really.

The first time I read my roommate's name, I thought it said 'Corgie' not Congie (I think) It was pretty funny. Her name is Kaley and I totally bypassed that for the interesting last name which I read wrong.

In my mind I keep calling her corgie in my mind.

If she's a cool kid I might just call her Corgie XD

We'll see.

Mhmm

I should start following more people, it's very awkward that I'm the only one on my Blogger feed.

Anyways. I'm in this sort of damn... I forgot the word. Like suspension of time and space.

I can't really do anything.

I feel trapped in a sense.

I'm really hoping college breaks me out of this.

It's frustrating.

I only know the same people. I hold the same feelings for the same people and it's getting old. For me.

I haven't really told anyone I like girls.

Karen knows for sure. When or how I told her, I don't remember. But I know she knows. Kristine possibly knows. I'm not too sure.

It's kind of a burden.

I mean. I know I like girls. It's a bit bothersome that I don't feel right calling myself bisexual. Mostly because for me it's a 75 25 percent thing. I can't really call myself a lesbian though. It's very confusing. So I just say I like girls because it's assumed that a girl likes boys.

I don't know.

To put it simply I like girls along with boys. I tend to prefer girls but I still like boys too.

I don't really know. Unfortunately the world is just so stupidly complicated. Why can't people just like everyone with out it being a big deal.

People are stupid.

Ugh.

Anyways.

Minecraft! Is basically my ... I forgot this word too. My vocabulary is disintegrating before my eyes!

It's my buffer for all my anxiety in a way. I'm just concentrating on it.

It's pretty ridiculous.

Anyways. I'm done. I shall speak to you guys later!

And if you need someone to speak to about anything I'm always here, whether it be here in my comments via email or by phone call or via text. I'm here for you whenever you need it.

Mostly Skins Post

Now, if you've never watched Skins.. Go do it.

Ah, jk jk, but seriously great show.

As you can tell from the title of this post it's going to be about skins specificaly the upcoming series.

Ignore all my grammar and spelling errors, I'm tired(as usual) and I'm not really paying attention to what I type I'm just trying to type as fast as I can slow down my thoughts.

--

So series what 6? There is that new guy and I dunno if I'll like him. We'll see.

However I don't like Matty and I can tolerate his brother(who's name I don't know).

So Skin tweeted that there would be secret relationships and sexual awakenings.

Now as we ALL know Franky and Mini have this spark between them. And Mini is going to realize she's either gay or can go both ways. I don't really mind which is which because, yeah Freya is pretty hot. Now if Matty can GTFO and leave Franky alone that would be great. We also know Franky is a bit messed up due to reason unknown but can be easily assumed.So I'm voting she'll go towards Mini and they'll be a secret couple. So many possibilities!!!I dunno, i kinda hope Matty goes gay for the new guy.

Just gtfa from Frany, please and fuck off.

I'm gonna go ahead and ship Franky and Mini.

--

Also, I'm writing this because i'm stalling. I'm going to make this epic world on sp minecraft and I have so much to do that I don't know what to do next or what I'm going to do. Considering it's all really boring excavating right now.

Everyday I keep finding these small things that I've always thought or always felt that make it super obvious that I've liked girls for my entire life or at least the majority of it.

I really had to shift my thought process to convince myself otherwise.

I find that both impressive and disheartening.

When I have kids, I am going to make damn sure they feel perfect just the way they are and anyone who says otherwise can suck it.


I'll even have it on a plaque over the front door so we can all see it everyday!

Washington D.C.

I came back from Washington D.C. yesterday, after a semi sad goodbye to everyone in the program. I ate.

I don't know if our director just has horrible taste or Washington D.C. just has bad food.

Pretty much everyone agreed. The food was just not good. Not like my Houston food.

We went to this buffet the first day.

God awful.

It was like this place called Golden Corral here and most of us hate that because the food isn't great.

Yeah... I will never say another bad thing about Golden Corral. The buffet we went to, Old Country Buffet, was terrible. I don't know how it was edible.

As fucking disgusting that was, our last day, we went to. Hard Times Cafe.

That was throw up material.

We get there, the food is on the counter(granted we got there late), the place already looked sleazy and jank from the outside and inside, as we wait after we get our drink this small roach appears on the wall next to our table. So we thoroughly freak out.

After it is out of sight we calm down and we start receiving our food.

My 3 friends at the table with me got this burger.

It was burnt.

Pretty much everyone's burger was burnt.

I got the boneless wings.

The sauce was like 90% vinegar and 10% hot sauce.

Then as we're done picking at our food and returning it.

Another roach, or maybe the same roach, appears on the wall directly behind me.

So. Little tid bit about me. I don't play with roaches. If there is a roach near me, I will be very far away from it. I will freak the fuck out. I don't know why, I just really hate roached.

So, we're at a booth and I immedietly slide directly on top of my friend who is terrified of bugs. All bugs, but she was just so done with the place she didn't give a fuck.

So, I'm just like, okay. Calm cool. Son't freak out too much.

Then it gets closer to me (according to my friends facing the wall behind me, I couldn't see shit).

I basically push my friend off the seat as I try and get closer to the end of teh chair.

Then I'm talking to my friends and they get very wide eyed and are like oh shit, or something along those lines as they both stare at the same spot behind me.

According to my friend I fly out of the seat. I throw my phone to my right because I wasn't holding it tightly and I moved extremely fast.

Some how my phone ends up hitting a chair to my left.

I don't even understand, I distinctively remember throwing it to the right.

My friend Taylor is laughing her ass off. From shock, fear, and just the crap that had just happened this entire trip.

I am laughing due to the fact I made pretty much a fool out of myself and nervous reaction to fear.

She then proceeds to tell me after like a good minute how I new it fell down.

I had no fucking idea. I told her I just saw her and Carina's eyes get really wide and I wasn't going to wait to see what was gonna happen.

So, then my friend Alex kills it. So I sit down again.

Then they look behind me after we eat this brownie they gave us, and there is another fucking roach behind me. Needless to say I reacted about the same. I couldn't stand up fast enough.

My friend killed it with her chancla.

So I'm pretty much done with the place and at last we fucking leave.

Earlier that day we went to The Portrait Museum.

After hanging out awhile we decide to go downstairs and my other friend decides to go upstairs. So me and Carina plan to go downstairs via elevator. Some how she breaks it. So we end up using the other elevator that is going up and we're like sure whatever we'll find our friend who is up there. Then Taylor pops out of no where and calls Alex and we follow.

We go into this pitch black room except for this abstract painting that was like a shape landscape and was in a 3D type layout and it spread onto the floor. It would change colors and. Man, it was intense.

I stayed there for teh remaining 20 minutes tryong to figure out how it fucking changed colors. after giving up I tried to figure out what it was. What it represented. Then I gave up and tried letting the piece speak to me (I do this all the time with music when I don't understand what it is trying to tell me), and I sit there and I enjoy it.

When I let all logic go, I felt it.

It made me angry, sad, happy, at peace, and everything at once.

I don't know how to describe it.

Taylor later told me she spent a really fucking long time there. Then Alex and Carina left and we just sat there, then Ryan and Dani came in and after a few minutes Alex comes in and tells us we have like 3 minutes. We give it a long look for a second( because we didn't register Alex was there we only recognized him, so we kept looking at the painiting while he talked).

We didn't have to really give teh piece another look. We had seen teh rotation several times we knew it andd it knew us.

I probably sound crazy but it's a really trippy experience.

Taylor and I tried to explain what it was.

OUr conclusion? Emotion.

We experienced all teh same things after we threw logic into the wind.

We felt like we hit nirvana.

We felt light like we were just gliding along and out of teh world. The world kept shifting under us after we left. It was just wow.

We went across teh street to the Spy museum and in line we kept feeling it.

You know that feeling when you're on an airplane and you're rising in your seat as the plane ascends?

It felt kind of like that.

But while experiencing every feeling at once.

Just something you can't really explain. My description can't even do it justice.


If you ever decide to go to D.C. I recommend spending a good 3+ hours at the Newseum. That place is legit.

Visit the JFK performance center.

Go to the captiol building.

Going to the White House tour isn't worth it. Trust me.

The Holocaust Museum is a must. I didn't visit it but I've gone to the one in Houston several times and I hear it's twice as good and the one in Houston is really moving.

Go the the Washington monument.

Take teh double decker tour. Both of them. The day and night tour. Just make sure it isn't fucking 100 degress out. Be on top. And watch out for braches. It's a good tour.

Oh and go to Union Station that place is beautiful.

If you appreciate art and architecture.

Washington D.C. is fucking amazing to view.



It was an okay experience.


Also. I'm extremely distraught. I have about 8 days to fugure out where I'm going to get 6,000 dollars give or take to pay for college.


It's been a pretty rough week.

I just pretty much feel like throwing up, crying, and lying in a fetal position every second of every day now. Extremely unpleasant. It's kind of like when I was an inch away from killing myself everyday when I was younger, except I'm not completely shrouded by my own hopelessness, I have a positive outlook that it will work out, somewhat.

Doesn't stop stop me from feeling hopeless and restless, though.

Great way to spend the rest of July.


Pretty much I'm just going to just survive this.

The outcome isn't in my hands.


*Sorry about all the typos. I'm too exhausted fix it, and my hands are trying to rmemebr how to use a keyboard not a phone.

**I hope everyone is doing well, hopefull way better than me. If not, you know I'm always here. No matter how fucked up I am or how I'm feeling, I'm never to busy or emotional to help you in pretty much any shape or form.

I have a lot to say right now, but it's late and typing long things on a phone is aggravating.

I'm super fucking stressed I need some type of a fucking release.

I basically had a major outburst of fear when there were these baby cockroaches near me.

Today is my last day in Washington D.C.

I drank coffee like an hour ago, a full cup of black coffee(it wasn't that great).

My chaperon is either a homophobe or really really hates homosexuals.

She tried to disprove a simple science and was insulted when a scientist said some girl was a prodigy due to her brain because she thought it was a miracle.

I got my schedule for college today. I'm going to die.

I'm too afraid to count the hours.

My friend thinks I'm straight. I'm telling her tomorrow I'm about 75% gay, 25% straight.

There are a lot of hot girls in D.C. But not a lot of attractive guys.

And! Have you seen the 'Two Bodies' or the guy version of Freaky Friday, trailer? Did you see Olivia Wilde in it? Drop dead gorgeous. Wow. I was drinking my coffee when it came on and at the end she appeared behind the ratings and I literally just stoppped and stared,

It doesn't help that I'm half in love with Olivia Wilde.

Good Night and Good Morning.

Today was interesting.

Well, no not really, it's actually more stressful. I got a message that I need to choose between two things basically.

I also have to deal with my mail and this ridiculous list explaining everything that is me and music and it's past.

Also, I really am getting more and more tired in the morning.

I saw my congressman, and what I assume in secret service panic and have everyone leave an area. Cool, nah not really.

We did go to the Newseum.

That place was intense. I don't know if you have ever seen several pulitzer prize photos, but it is sad. Seeing all of them, to-date, one after another is extremely depressing. And then I went to the 9/11 floor. I saw the antenna debris and a video about. I was pretty much almost in tears the entire time I was looking at the pictures all the newspapers from around the world with the front page being about 9/11, and the video. Oh and all the depressing pulitzer prize photos.

It was an intense sad feeling. And you know I'm a total pussy when it comes to anything sad or extremely happy.

I will bawl my fucking eyes out. I was shaking though. I couldn't stop that. I didn't cry though I fought it hard.

Yeah. That's about it XD

Ice cold watah, one dollaah! One dollah ice cold watah! Ah, I love d.c. Hobos.

Today was fun! Way better than annoying, hot, sweaty, branch ridden, over priced water, and douchy boat tour people yesterday.

I don't remember what I wrote about yesterday, it was a long day.

Today, however, my good friend Taylor had us play Werewolf on her ipod, all 15 of us while we took a really long time to get places. It was fun. And really loud, everyone hated us XD

Then when we got to the hotel we met on the patio outside the patio(at 10:10ish) and started playing. I of course died the fist time because my love was lynched.

First game I was voted off, after I raised my hand as the last vote for my demise. Of course I was an innocent villager. Then again the second game I was mauled, then I was the seer, but we lost, because there was a three-way lover triangle thing, so it screwed me and the other villagers over.

Of course the last game, I was brokenhearted XD


Now the real reason for this post.

I usually blog about things I feel extremely emotional about, but crying over my life isn't possible really, so I write about them. Or I write about things I can't really tell anyone.

If you hadn't guessed already.

Today my friend sent me a group message on facebook about her blog, and how she has one.


So I started reading through it and then I saw that she had a really hard time with her boyfriend and how she didn't feel gorgeous or now she was at all attractive.

Now, she isn't model like, but she was my first serious girl crush. I liked her for a very long time. I thought she was beautiful, funny, smart, talented, and so much more. And I'm reading through it, and the farther it goes back in time the more sad she was.

She was describing her relationship and how it was onesided and she never felt happy and it felt like a job and she kept describing what she never got.

I would have literally done everything she said and more. She deserved better and I'm glad she has a better boyfriend. If she's happy with him, I'm happy. We don't really talk anymore, but I still love my friend. She is fucking awesome. No matter how much of a bitch she is.

Some people I'm just not going to forget and she is one. Of them.

I also realize that I think I'm ready. Seriously. I think I've actually finally matured to the point where I can actually treat someone correctly.

This blog should be called, tales of a person who will probably never have a relationship.

So, I'm in Washington D.C. Well, a hotel in Virginia, at 12:49 a.m. eastern time. It's so weird.

The one week I'm out on vacation, is the one week in which I have a bunch of shit to do. I was invited out by Gil to hang out with him and a small group of our friends and yeah. Completely and totally lame. Now I'm getting important stuff from marietta in the mail. I finally was called by my advisor who happens to be my music ed. Teacher, my band director and like my everything teacher, and so I set up my schedule kinda.

It's not for sure yet. Ugh. He also told me about all this shit I need to do to get into the school of music. Very frustrating.

More like stressful. I need to be at home to deal with all of this, my phone internet can only do so much. So lame. I really want to just relax. But nope. I have to worry about my financial aid, my tuition, my audition, getting to ohio, finding my damned books. Buying stuff for my dorm, waiting to find out who my roommate is, paying tuition by Aug. 2.

FML

Oh! I can't believe I forgot, silly me.








WE FUCKING LOST TO FUCKING JAPAN AND I HAD TO MISS THE FUCKING GAME. BECAUSE MY INTERNET DIED!!! WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?!?

I was so pissed. I was watching the play by play thing that I had to refresh like every five seconds. That's how I watched the game. And when penalties were going, I was on my way to the bus to go to the airport. And I found out we lost literally a minute before I got there. So fucking, pissed. Fucking Japan.


Stupid. I was really pissed.

My second plane ride(the first when I was about 3 months old), wasn't terrifying like I thought it would be. It was fine. People next to me had to think I was crazy. Because seriously, I kept mouthing(singing) to myself and at times singing to myself. Watching friends bloopers, watching part of lion king, and playing a game on my ipod classic.

I'm a nut. I actually felt a bit comfortable with them. I had window seat and a random couple who I infer were from D.C. They were just visiting houston.

Weird I know.

Anyways. I'll talk to you guys later.

Bye!

Oh and by the way, to all my followers and my random stalkers which I hope are my friends just not showing their face. Um, you can call me or text me at 832-607-8663

I will most likely answer always. After the first time and you leave a voicemail, if you had no idea I get a lot of calls from random companies and random places for someone who uses my number I guess to get out of things. I'll always answer texts. I'm pretty much available always.

So if guys ever need anything, a person to talk to, a scapegoat, an alibi(XD), or just someone to distract you, I'm here. I'm pretty much a pro at trying to be funny. :D

Okay. Now bye, because I have to figure out how to check if any of the blogs I follow have posted recently. I think I'm going to have to actually go to individual blogs. That'll be lame!!! But I'll do it!

Again... BYE! :D

Just my luck.

We all have heard my Disney story.

The one were I go to Disney with band and after a series of events I end up hanging out with some new kids and they end up accepting me and one of them turns out to have a crush on me and is just completely crushing on me the entire time.

Now the part I doubt I've told you guys is that I also grew extremely find of her. I completely repressed anything I felt and when I was finally starting to warm up to the idea of me actually maybe having feelings towards a girl we somehow grew apart. Oh we grew apart because her group of friends started crumbling and my friends grew stronger after the series of events.

So, yeah. After analyzing it now that I'm not afraid of actually liking a girl and I actually welcome the idea, I have come to realize I actually did start liking her. And you know it was nice feeling wanted by someone who I'm assuming liked me for purely physical reason and she then liked my personality. But you know she was scared about what she felt because she was devout Catholic and everything she was taught was against what she felt. It probably would have been a what happens at Disney stays at Disney.

And come on I was a stupid freshman, commitment meant absolutely nothing. I wasn't sensitive in the least.

Now that I look back, I would totally have been the more manly of the two of us. I was basically there for her and I did very stereotypical things that a man would do in a stereotypical relationship.

You know, it's known as good mannerisms and not being a bitch, but you know, I thought I'd be specific to some extent.

Man. That would have been a fun relationship if I weren't a bitch and repressing of the things I felt, and if she weren't afraid of God and what she felt. It would have been fun.

Do I have to go back to Disney to find a potential relationship like that again? Is it like a every 4 years type thing? It's coming up on 4 years this March. Maybe? One can only hope right?

It's just so frustrating being single.

It's just been a fucking long time. Ugh. I just want what could be a cute relationship.

I'm great now, I've learned, I know what not to do now, I've learned how to treat someone right.

Only I would get a bunch of relationships when I was a bitch and an asshole and not when I can actually love and respect someone.

Just my luck.

Ugh, One, my mental math fucking sucks.

Just thought you should know!

I'm watching Welcome to the Riley's

Awkward as hell. I guess it doesn't help that it's about Kristen Stewart being a stripper.

NOT as bad as Chloe, that was fucking bad.

Fuck it, never fucking watch it.

It has a sex scene between

(I know, it's not starting off bad.)

and

Which is like *throws up*

It probably wouldn't have been as horrific of it weren't so damn awkward the first hour or so of the movie.

It was still a bit traumatizing. I don't even know if they had sex! I pretty much just skipped the entire scene and then some.

I dunno. I just thought it was a fucking awkward movie.


Now to talk about another movie!

Harry Potter!

The end of my fucking childhood.

I planned with my friends for weeks about what we were going to do today.

Today, the day Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 comes out.

At the last minute I backed out.

Two reasons. One we planned until the last minute because that's what my friends do, we talk and talk, so I knew my parents wouldn't be up for it.

Two, I don't think I'm ready for it all to end just yet.

I mean. Not like this. I feel as if I'm still a child. Everything I do is exactly the same as I did when I was in high school. I haven't really grown much or made any real psychological changes, I'm still a scared person.

I think I've decided. I'm going to go watch it. I'll probably drag Gil or someone like that to go watch it with me during midday, and then afterwards I'll drag them to the salon with me, where I'm going to get my hair all chopped off. I don't know how yet or in what style but that's what I'm going to do.

In a sort of, bon voyage to my entire childhood.

Or maybe I'll do a, hair cut then the movies. It'll be brilliant. Yeah. I'll do that. I won't tell whoever I'm gonna go with that I did it. No one shall know this plan except maybe my mum.

I need to do this.

My hair has always been the same since I can remember. I don't like to deal with it. So now I am. I am going to go cut my hair in the morning, go back home, take a shower, style it, go out to the movies.

Any ideas guys? I'm talking about short. Like.

or

Short.

I've never done it before, and I think it's high time I do it.

(Plus if I like it I'll save loads on shampoo and conditioner)

I just think it'll do this growing up thing justice.

I've decided to just bite the bullet and try and take out private loans to finish paying for college if I don't get adequate money from the PLUS loan or if I get any at all from it.

Fucking hell.

In other news!

I forgot already... damn...

OH! Yeah!

I'm thinking in a british accent. Is that weird? It kinda incorporates with my speaking language, but I don't really speak, in english that is, to anyone really ever.

I don't really speak to anyone except my parents, everyone else I just text or IM or whatever.

It's a sad existence, I know.




I may completely annoy you guys just always posting things about my life. Or what I'm thinking in choppy sentences. But it's because I don't actually think about anything in depth until I start explaining small thoughts on here.

Nothing really comes to mind. Like I just thought, once I cut my hair I'll be able to work out more easily (because my mom won't bitch at me every five seconds for taking a shower everyday) Because washing my hair will take like 2 seconds and the my routine will not have no be so long and annoying. Fuck yeah.

I'll ask Gil next week when I'm in D.C.

Oh yeah, I'm going to be in D.C. next week. That'll be fun.

Unfortunately it'll be with a lot of people I'm not too fond of.

Fun.

That day I think it was like Saturday or Sunday, maybe Monday, when I was going off on a depressive tangent, I was kind of on complete edge.

I'm already extremely anxious at all times, I even shake. I don't know why. I've never had anxiety It's just not something I have. Apparently I'm getting it. Kinda sucks.

Anyways. That day I was like beyond calming myself down, I would have just gone on a complete and total craze that would just not stop. I needed to sleep but I knew I wouldn't be able to. My mind wouldn't be able to shut the fuck up. So I did the one thing I knew would take my mind off of it, make me feel amazing, and have me lose myself in a different world.

I cut, a few times so the sensation wouldn't wear off until I would fall asleep.

I didn't think much of it, I just knew I needed it.

Then another day in the middle I did it again because I was stressed.

I'm extremely stressed and anxious all the time. It just goes through the roof at night. In my hours of thinking.

I try not to think and to be calm, it never works. I'm beyond the repair of music.

Even now I'm anxious and on the verge of a massive nervous breakdown, really.

Because I can't do anything about what I'm anxious about and I'm close to just giving up on everything and just becoming a fucking hobo.

So yesterday I didn't know what to do I was a fucking state. I needed to drink, I needed to party, I needed to do drugs, I needed to do something to get myself away from reality.

I cut again. This time deeper, not ridiculous, but on my thigh area below my hip. It becomes a bit more painful, or more intense pain for me.

It really got me out of my head. I did it I think 3 times. It was great. It sincerely got my mind off of everything going on.

I'm just not used to not being able to control things. I can deal with rejection from other people, not my parents.


SO!

Yes, not in the greatest of mental states at the moment, but that's just me.

Rambling to the max

If you ever want to figure out if my period is near just look at my mood, if I'm normal as I can be then no. If I start getting really depressed and really emotional that means track about 1 week from the first incident and you'll get my period.

And I cramp on like the 3rd day before my period. It's weird.

ANYWAYS!

Fuck, well then. I feel like a lump of non-productive shit.

I have literally done nothing this entire week.

It's really boring.

I'm building this city in the trees in minecraft. That's about it.

I think I'm going to start a video game channel on Youtube once I finally get my 1 or 2 TB external hard drive. And I'm going to do like a let's play type deal. Because I have nothing more productive going on in my life.

I'll start out with Minecraft since that's releasing on 11.11.11.

It'll be like, here! This is what you do! Let's try to survive and do something with this game.

I'll start that when it hits 1.8 beta if it's before 11.11.11.

I might do like a Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim type thing. Idk.

I will possibly also do a Monday Night thing. Since I literally just started, and I have no fucking idea what the fuck is going on and I'm a complete noob at it, but I got it for like a dollar on Steam.
No one knows that game, so it might be interesting XD

Dunno. It's an idea at least.

Give me something to do when I have nothing to do in college XD

Um... So yeah.

I'm bored. I'm on minecraft because I'm bored. I would get on a server but my internet is being a bitch.

So I'm listening to music as I write this kinda hoping my internet will work again once I decide to stop rambling.

Ah the night

It's a very not good thing for me to be awake at late hours at night. One, I have great ideas, however my literary sense is pretty shit since my mechanical skills are pretty drowsy.

Also, because I get extremely bold and extremely sad.

I'm not sure why, I just do.

I think about all the things I don't have, all the things I want to have(like in my life, not like materiialistic things).

Also, forgive my shit tyoing and allt he typos I'm not exactly looking at the screen or at the keyboard much. I'm just sitting here half typing and just saying in my head what I'm going to type.

It always makes me feel like shit to think about all the stupid things I don't have because I know tehere are people out there with pretty shit lives.


I just got done speaking to my friend for like 3-4 hours over skype, the phone, and text because we were trying to play minecraft together. Whch we did end up doing. However, I was like, laggy for no real reason it was a bit aggravating.

I'm a fan of drowning in my own sorrow. I really try. I really fucking try to not and look at the up side at everything. I really try because it makes everything better, and it makes exiisting just better.

Well, wow. Yeah. Man, if I were ever drunk and it were late at night, I would for sure be a completely honest person.

I don't exactly ever tell anyone that I'm not particularily fond of guys and I very much prefer girls. I just let them assume, they all claim to have great gaydars, so yyeah.

I think it's kinda funny, they haven't said anything to me, I'm sure tehy wouldn't care.

I talked to my friend about Olivia pretty much the only irl lesbian I know, and I told her I didn't see her becoming a lesbian. And she was like, how did you not see that coming.

You have to understand. This girl sucked a guys dick on teh bus cominng back from UIL in 8th grade, on a populated bus.

She fucked numerous guys in the summer before high school. Through out 9th grade, she drank a lot and did a bunch of drugs she talked abot dick and guys all the time to the 'perverts' like her. And then I began seeing a change in 10th grade and that''s when she came out. I was pretty shocked when I realized because I meaan, come on!

It was generally out of no where. Le sigh, I thought she was gay in 9th grade but she kept talking about fucking these guys and teh photos of guys and ugh. It was extremely confusing. Extrmely mixed signal and she broke my gaydar. Thanks.

It's all good now though. And I still think Jacque is gay, I give her like a little under a year and yeah.

Yeah yeah yeah. Ah, nightie night my friends!

I should probably throw this in my private blog, but to hell with it, I'm already here. I have this open.

I enjoy living in a bubble. It's safe. All my emotions only affect me. No one else gets hurt, no one else hurts me. It's only in my mind, because the universe knows that I can easily manipulate my thoughts to make myself sad or happy or angry.

Fuck, you know? I'm so used to just living in this fucking hole my parents gladly threw me in and have easily kicked me back down when I was almost out.

My entire high school career I fought to get out of this fucking hole, whether from drinking, having sex, trying drugs, smoking, whatever. I tried my damnest. But good old depression and my own thoughts kept me from getting out, from doing something. I would have been that kid who was always drunk doing crazy shit if I didn't start in this hole.

Now, I'm finally for the most part legally free and what am I doing? Absolutely nothing. I just am staying in this hole. There are several reasons I should stay in here, but I need to get out.

I'm glad I'm going to college fucking far away, now I can actually do what I've always wanted to do.

If only my parents knew how much they've fucked me over. I'm going to go to Marietta and get shit faced and I'm not even going to know my limit, nor am I going to know anything. Because I've never gone to a legit party before nor have I gotten completely shit faced. I've been severely buzzed but not drunk. I could still think straight.

I haven't talked to Gil since the day of pride, which I didn't go to.

He really pisses me off you know? I think I'm jealous. I probably am. I wouldn't put it past me. He has a bunch of friends, he goes out all the fucking time, he can get shit faces and high, he parties, and he has a fucking job. Here I am, from how I feel, friendless, finished one college course, and I'm still in this hole.

It's because I'm afraid of the world, thanks mom and dad, you've made me scared of the unknown. It's because I don't want to disappoint my parents.

I can't, I won't.

I think about it at least once a day. Would I ever come out to my parents? No. It's always no. I don't know how my dad would take it, I have no idea which side my mom would take, but the thought of my parents being disappointed in me kills me. I don't know why, but it does.

It really fucking sucks, ya know? I chose a school out in the middle of fucking no where because I know they'll never know what will happen there. Whether I get drunk, no matter who I fuck, no matter who I date, I just will be free. This will also work against me, but it's not like they can give me anything anyways. We are poor as fuck right now because my mother doesn't know how to manage money, or how to spend it.

Fucking hell. I'm extremely disappointed in myself, to who I've become. I keep saying one day and one day, but I never do anything. Several invitations to go out, sneak out, hang out. All things I've declined because my mom sucks and I'm too much of a fucking coward to leave.

I really hope I will finally do everything in college. I'm so sick of this.

I will do all my work of course, but I need to do something with myself before I just become a whole of nothingness.

I say I'm socially awkward, but I'm not. I'm an extremely good people person, but for some reason I just stop myself from knowing how to socialize. I'm afraid again. I'm afraid of rejection I guess, I'm afraid of what they will think when I'm a total fucking hypocrite.

Fuck.

Seriously.

How am I just so much of a coward?

When did this happen?

I used to be fearless. I used to not care whether I lived or died, I just went for the goal, whether it be lose weight no matter what, make myself feel something whether it meant cutting a little deeper, having sex with only a push out lock holding me back from my mother and father, having someone sneak it, taking a large gulp of alcohol for the first time, knowing perfectly well it would burn going down, trying marijuana, sexting and texting random strangers.

What the hell happened? If the opportunity arose for any of those again, I would just say know or push it away or be fucking cautious!

Is it fucking becoming mature or me just being a fucking coward?

Fucking shitting fuck.

If I were my 9th grade self I would have fucked Gil the first chance I had, no looking back, I would fool around, and all that shit but nope.

Are these tears of anger or tears of pity over the person I've become?

I don't know. Just fuck.

Unusual Twist of Conversation

I'm in the mood to sing!

Other than the fact that my life is stupid boring and nothing has actually happened the past few days(like that ever stops me XD), yesterday my hands were shaking all day, as if I were nervous or on like some type of withdrawal, so I couldn't actually type coherently or really do anything. I bought some breakfast and while I was getting my money out I could grab the change out of my wallet because my hands were shaking too much, it really sucked.

The past few days have been shit really. Shit because they've been boring. Thursday I took my final, I got a 96 on it and my final grade in the class was a 93 :/ an A at least.

I've played a lot of minecraft. I've finished my walls and roof and water wheel areas along with lighting. Now I just need to decide what else to actually do. As in build. Like there is just so much you can do XD

I've been so bored lately. I haven't actually talked to anyone but my mother and a few friends while discussing when we're going to go watch Harry Potter 7:2.

Needless to say I'm bored. I want to have one on one conversations or hang out with someone or several people. I'm bored and in need of social interaction. Or at least someone to text. My conversations usually go like this.

Hey

Oh hi!

How are you?

Doing fine. How about you?

I've been doing great.

That's good!

How's life?

Good, you?

Same.

Anything interesting?

Nah not really, hung out with some people, shopped, and stuff.

Oh cool! Anything awesome?

Lists few things.

-I get distracted for like an hour or they stop texting-

End of convo.


or the stupid.

Hey

Hey.

What's up?

Nothing much you?

Same. Wanna hang out tonight?

Nah not really.

Oh come on.

Nope I'm good.

I have some -insert booze-.

No I'm fine thanks.

Come on, I have nothing better to do, I'll just end up -insert mundane thing-

It's fine. I'm okay here.

-Continues begging and either gives up or ends up trying to come over physically-



You may be thinking, "Wtf?! You want to hang out and you like to drink, why are you hanging out?!

Well my dear readers, this conversation is really only ever held with one person, though it has happened with other guys too, unfortunately.

When this person texts me it means one thing and one thing only, no matter how the conversation starts or what he tries to convince me it's about. It means he wants to have sex. Whether he 'convinces' me by getting me drunk or 'loose' (which it takes a stupid amount of booze, my brain doesn't cloud easily).

When I was younger and more easily overrun by my hormones I would accept or ask him to come over. Because let's face it. Sex is both fun and makes you feel great. If you've never had sex, it's both fun and makes you feel good. That's casual sex. For like passionate sex, I'm assuming it's fun, makes you feel great, and you have a deeper connection.

Now, I'm like no. I'm good, please gtfo.

Why the change of heart? One, he is always tired. So it gets annoying when I have to worry about him falling asleep on the middle of the floor or in bed or in my chair.

He is never well taken care of. So he's either hungry, thirsty or low on the blood sugar. So that gets annoying. Especially when my parents pester me every five seconds.

He also isn't very good. It got old. Apparently he's gotten 'better'. I'm assuming he still sucks. I can live with out it.

Also, he's a guy. I'm pretty much done with guys for a long while.

They are too easy to please. I like the challenge or being challenged. Pretty much all guys have the same buttons and by buttons I mean their dick. Several of them hate being touched anywhere but there.

That's not fun.

You can make a girl come that fast too, but with girls you can play with so many more things. There's of course the neck, the area around the neck, the breasts, the nipples themselves, their inner thigh, their labia, their clit, the actual vagina, their g-spot, and pretty much touching them anywhere when they are wired on feelings, emotion, and pleasure.

Much more fun, much more interesting especially if you do it the first time. Because then you have the pleasure of discovering their unique hotspots.

Guys? It's their dick, moaning, boosting their ego, panting softly when they're supposed to be 'thrusting hard', and other small things like that. It's generally one track. If they're very good you don't actually mind boosting their ego or whatever and everything else actually happens naturally, it's not manufactured to make them actually pleasure you.

The list for just hotspots is pretty much longer than everything about guys. The little things is just exponentially longer for girls.



Yeah. Okay, this went way longer and into a subject I was not planning on XD


All in all, my life is boring, unless you count the random conversations where a guy wants to fuck me as interesting, which I don't they go in my 'annoying' list.

Stuuuupiiiiiiddddd

Okay, so I thought I was screwed forever because the person whose internet I mooch off of no longer was on my list(convieniently they stopped it like an hour or two after the last Harry Potter Premiere) and I thought my internet was gone for good.

Then this guy started up a new connection and it has this guest account. But it had a password and I thought I was fucked.

Lucky for me, I guessed the password.

Next time, don't use the name of the account. That was like my 4th guess.

I can't even.

So I'm extremely pissed.

I know that post from yesterday seemed angry, but I was frustrated.

No today I'm fucking pissed.

I took my final in like 40 minutes(about 10 minutes more than I usually do), it was fairly easy.

Afterwards I walked out and was going to my car. Alex, one of my exes, was sitting in his car waiting for me. I walked past his car and he asked me how the test was. So, we talked. It was nice. We talked for about 30 minutes.

Then he was like I gotta go and I was like yeah. Okay. Throughout the conversation he kept asking me what I was going to do after we finished talking. I told him idk, probably going home.

Then he finally asked me at the end of our conversation and I told him probably home.

Then he was like, wanna fool around?

Several things crossed through my mind. Wtf? Hell no. You fucking cheating bastard. What the hell. Fuck off.

My reaction was shaking my head and saying no(in a way that was like hahahaha you're funny I would never let you touch me) and he was like, so no? And I was like yeah, no.

Okay.

This asshole. We went out my freshman year. I was supposedly going to fuck him or whatever. In all honesty I was never going to do it, he wasn't my type nor did he have decent equipment. I probably would have if he were like double what he was then. but nope. The thought was revolting really, and it still is.

After we broke up we generally didn't talk mostly because it was awkward for me. The guy I first had sex with was more of a fwb minus the friends, it was more like ihkyaltawb I Have Known You A Long Time Acquaintance With Benifits. So we never ever interacted that and we were in different social groups.

Then he went out with one of his first "serious" girlfriends. They fucked all the time, he was best friends with one of my close friends at the time so she would tell me that that's all he would ever talk about.

Then when they broke up, he texted me asking me if I was still up for sex. I was like no. Hell no.

Then they started going out like a few days later.

Then they broke up for good. I didn't hear anything from him. Then he started going out with his (from what I know) current girlfriend.

They went out a nice while. Then one day randomly near the end of the year, we started talking again and then he asked me if I wanted to fool around again. Now, this time I knew FOR A FACT that they were going steady, because his girlfriend sat diagonally from me in first period.

I was like no, but we can hang out. I ended up not going. One because as revolting as I found him I was extremely sexually frustrated and I didn't trust my body to do the right thing.

And now this. He is a fucking ass hole. I swear.

What is up with guys wanting to fuck me when they have girlfriends.

The one guy I thought was the largest sleaze, turned out to be the moral one! What the hell?!

Gil wanted to fuck me while with his current girlfriend not so long ago.


I'm so sick of these guys with one track minds.



Probably one of the many reason why I want a girlfriend I can just romance and just cherish. I want to kind of prove to myself that it is possible for someone to like someone and have them be treated like the most amazing thing in the world.

It's a bit ridiculous I know, but I just have to know that if the rest of the world sucks that at least I can treat someone right and have them feel great about themselves.

People suck, especially the guys in my life.

My Fucking List.

Inspired by a serious of events and Jenna's new video.

I am going to make a semi public list of people I would fuck. Yup. Semi public because some people have this blog but they never actually read it.

A partial list that is in no particular order

People I Would Fuck:
Angeli
Jacque
Gil
Ashely(a girl on Tumblr)
Molly(on Tumblr)
Kristina(if she didn't speak)
Paola
Marissa Lo.
Marissa LeJ
Taylor
BB Lauren
Shelby
Christine
Clarita
Logan
Liz
Sam F(again no speaking)
Sam G.
Yadira
Lily Loveless
Kathyrn Prescott
Kristen Stewart
Emma Watson
Rachel Shelly
Salazar(Felipe)
Leslie
Abril
Jennifer(definitely no speaking)
Olivia Wilde
Jennifer Morrison


People in the italics are people I would fuck them so hard...

Fucking Shitting Fuck.

That test I took yesterday?

Yup. I got a fucking 96.

Now, I know you're like SWEET! You got a great score!

Only in my mind I'm fucking pissed. I didn't figure this one thing out. This one subject. And fuck. Of course it was on there. Of course. And I missed it because I didn't know how to do it. I still don't apparently it's fucking obvious. It's a fucking foreign language to me. And to just add insult to injury the fucking answer was the initial question. (It was matricies and getting the inverse of a 3x3) and fucking fuck.

It was 5 points. FIVE points. That would have given me a 101. And the bonus, I WOULD have gotten it correct if I hadn't read the fucking book. Pile of fucking shit that is.

Which would have been a 102.

I got a 93 as a raw score but I got +3 for doing all my homework. If you did the math, it doesn't add up.

The 2 points that you're missing are points I lost because I didn't get the right answer. When he explained it. Of course, I did everything right except I didn't factor correctly.

Thanks a fucking lot Mr. fucking Bunquin for not teaching shit and thank you Mr. Ali for seriously not teaching me ONE thing therefore screwing me over and me having to learn both Pre-Cal and basic algebra skills in AP calculus with a teacher that was actually WILLING to teach me. Fuck you guys very much.

Ugh.

Anyways. I still haven't received my AP scores, which I guess is a good thing because if I do badly then I would be fucking discouraged and I would bomb my test tomorrow(Though I can get a 24 on my final and I'd still pass my class, in theory.)

I'm becoming a fucking band director none of this shit matters. Fucking shit shit.