Confident emotions?!

I feel like I'm bipolar or going through some really mellow manic episodes, because my blog posts are so up and down. I'm not up or down. I don't really feel anything towards school. I love it, I'm learning, I tolerate the population and the course work. I should feel a lot, but I don't. Not even anxiety. Which is good for me, for my flute playing. When I play the flute, like really play it, I get into it. It's my safe place. Playing music is when everything else that is happening in the world gets forgotten. I concentrate on the words, the emotion, the story, the notes, the technique, the past, the future, the meaning, keeping myself restrained enough to still sound good, and always trying to improve. I don't have time to think about bitch face, or that I really like a probable straight girl, or that I have no friends I would run to in case of a mental break down. I mean, I never have, but I had a choice to before. I still do, but I don't have a friend I can physically go to right now. I don't have time for that when I am performing or rehearsing. I played Syrinx the other day in studio. It was the first time I had played it in ages so I made a lot of mistakes and my mental lapses and fighting against the flute but when I was done I had conveyed my emotion. It wasn't all the emotion I could give, because that is dedicated to when I actually get perform it. The first comment was from Em- she's the other flute music major, we have a sort of bond because she was my excel leader my freshman year and I am always next to her and in classes with her, and I see her enough for us not to hate each other. She was the first to say something and she was like I can't wait until you get a new flute, because that will sound amazing once you do. Then my adviser and teacher was like, I was about to say the same, because you sounded great playing this right now, but once you have a new flute you are going to exponentially get better. Which is true because I'm playing on a student flute and it's really easy to screw things up on student flutes because you can overblow really easily and it's hard to actually sound good. I'm also excited. The next and last comment I got was from our personal synesthsia girl, and if I sound good to her I feel like it is an honor. She didn't talk about my playing, maybe she did. But she liked how confident I looked while playing. When she said that, I stopped listening. I was not expecting that. I've never been told I looked confident while playing. Granted I'm not overwhelmed this year by my solo and I like it, and I understand the story. Solos with a story are always easy to play. Solos that have 99% negative emotions are really easy for me to play. I know how to do pain. Happiness not so much. It's hard for me. I know what piece I'm going to play for my senior recital. That one for sure. I don't even know what my recital topic will be, but Syrinx will fit. I will give up any other song for that one.

Hairy crushes?

I'm giving myself 7 minutes to finish talking about my last post. I posted it in a haste last time. I am boring. I really hate it. I wasn't the most entertaining when I was younger but I had a life. I had friends. I don't have anything anymore. I don't have friends. Also, I think I'm going to give up the pursuit on Mal-. I'm not saying it's not worth it, but I was going strong and I had some hope. But I can't bother right now. I mean, things would be okay if I weren't so down with life. I mean, I can't. I wish. I do, but I'm losing hope in her being somewhat gay. However, she is totally hot. I mean I have a type. If the girl is seemingly boring looking, doesn't really dress up and is always casual and usually wears glasses, I am attracted, if she is normal weight but flat stomach, I am obsessed with flat stomachs. I am really predictable. Because I was attracted to a girl just like that earlier this semester and the other day she dressed up for our college's presidential inauguration, and I almost died. She was wearing a black fedora, a blazer with a white girly button up shirt, and a pencil skirt, and omg. She wasn't wearing pantyhose and fuck my life, she was wearing 2inch heels and her legs. Like, that was the last thing I notcied because I was like, fuck who is this girl and how have I never seen her before and I was busy being like holy fuck it's that girl, and then I saw her legs and man. It should have been illegal how hot she looked. I could barely handle it. Those legs need a license. Anyways, I feel the sae aboyt Mal- even though she never dresses up, but her in a dress. Omg, a cocktail dress. I need to stop. She was wearing a button up today and she was not wearing a tank top under it, and she left the top three buttons un buttoned enough for you to see a necklace nicely dispayled, but there was none, just chest and mayn. I was super attracted, Also, I want to cut my hair and do something with it. I know, I know, I always say that. But really this time. I just don't know what to do. But I'm determined this time around. I want a true change. I don't know how my hair will work with, but it needs a real change, maybe getting it dyed a lighter brown. One that looks brown and not black. Then, maybe some high lights, and getting my hair cut short. Like back in the day. But I think my hair would be fucked if I did. Maybe cutting it very short will help it. Idk. I'm getting random and rambling. Bye! Seriously guys, I should get into youtube I would have the best youtube titles.

2 weeks later

I don't actually feel alot. I'm not totally numb but I don't feel everything I should. Fro example, my douche Woodwind Methods teacher completely insulted my entire class of 4, well except one but that's because her entire face at this point is brown. But anyways, I was so angry, I was simmering, but I was to my breaking point. I was past my breaking point. I should have been yelling and going at that man. I've never been afraid to accuse a teacher or yell at a teacher. I just have never been to the point where I would have to attack them for being a dick. I was past that point, I should have gone off on that man and withdrawn from the course. I should have, why I didn't is a mystery to me. No it's not. It's because all my emotions are halved or significantly cut from what I would normally feel. I'm being stifled and it's killing me. I want to be sad, I want to be indifferent, I want to be afraid, I want to be hurt, I want to be happy, I want to be angry. It's causing me not to care anymore. I don't care, I don't give a fuck at all. It's coming back a bit, but I am being so unbelievably rational it's scary. I can't even. I have always dealt with thinsg by rationalizing, it's how I deal. But now I am so ridiculously rationale it's crazy. I'm losing it and I don't even have a reason. I really want to just feel something. I smoked for the first time in months yesterday. It was amazing. I felt numb. I couldn't feel my body. All I felt was a rush of numbness and nicotine. I almost didn't make it back to my dorm. To my building. I was bubbling. I was jittery. I was everything and nothing. It was almost better that cutting, but I get two in one with cutting and the pain last for a longer time. Anyways, it was amazing. But, not something I would do all the time. It's not something I cana get addicted too. Cutting and running do, because those aren't long term detriments to my body. I have cut. Did I tell you guys that? It's was a few weeks ago, probably a shit ton longer than that. I felt the rush. That amazing rush, but I didn't have my razor or anything relatively sharp, so I scraped at my arm. Over and over. It took ages to break skin. The feeling was amazing but it took forever. The sting didn't last and the blood was minimal at best. I can understand why people do that, but I could never. I mean, that's ridiculous. It takes forever and is only a in the moment thing. Not worth the scar at all. I need to buy a razor, but I know if i do I'll cut more often and I honestly can't afford to do it that much. I have to change infront of roommates I have to be all dressy for a variety of events. I cannot afford to cut. It's a bit ridiculous. Also, I'm afraid to exercise, did I tell you guys that? I'm afraid to. Back in the transition between middle and high school I got hooked on running which is was worse than being hooked on phonics. I was miserable and running was an outlet for me. I was able to run and not think about anything but the music or a little to the left and little to the right, faster, slower, I can't keep running, yes you can, you are going to keep running until you reach this distance and then we will slow down to catch your breath but not stop, then run until the next ridiculous distance.