2 weeks later

I don't actually feel alot. I'm not totally numb but I don't feel everything I should. Fro example, my douche Woodwind Methods teacher completely insulted my entire class of 4, well except one but that's because her entire face at this point is brown. But anyways, I was so angry, I was simmering, but I was to my breaking point. I was past my breaking point. I should have been yelling and going at that man. I've never been afraid to accuse a teacher or yell at a teacher. I just have never been to the point where I would have to attack them for being a dick. I was past that point, I should have gone off on that man and withdrawn from the course. I should have, why I didn't is a mystery to me. No it's not. It's because all my emotions are halved or significantly cut from what I would normally feel. I'm being stifled and it's killing me. I want to be sad, I want to be indifferent, I want to be afraid, I want to be hurt, I want to be happy, I want to be angry. It's causing me not to care anymore. I don't care, I don't give a fuck at all. It's coming back a bit, but I am being so unbelievably rational it's scary. I can't even. I have always dealt with thinsg by rationalizing, it's how I deal. But now I am so ridiculously rationale it's crazy. I'm losing it and I don't even have a reason. I really want to just feel something. I smoked for the first time in months yesterday. It was amazing. I felt numb. I couldn't feel my body. All I felt was a rush of numbness and nicotine. I almost didn't make it back to my dorm. To my building. I was bubbling. I was jittery. I was everything and nothing. It was almost better that cutting, but I get two in one with cutting and the pain last for a longer time. Anyways, it was amazing. But, not something I would do all the time. It's not something I cana get addicted too. Cutting and running do, because those aren't long term detriments to my body. I have cut. Did I tell you guys that? It's was a few weeks ago, probably a shit ton longer than that. I felt the rush. That amazing rush, but I didn't have my razor or anything relatively sharp, so I scraped at my arm. Over and over. It took ages to break skin. The feeling was amazing but it took forever. The sting didn't last and the blood was minimal at best. I can understand why people do that, but I could never. I mean, that's ridiculous. It takes forever and is only a in the moment thing. Not worth the scar at all. I need to buy a razor, but I know if i do I'll cut more often and I honestly can't afford to do it that much. I have to change infront of roommates I have to be all dressy for a variety of events. I cannot afford to cut. It's a bit ridiculous. Also, I'm afraid to exercise, did I tell you guys that? I'm afraid to. Back in the transition between middle and high school I got hooked on running which is was worse than being hooked on phonics. I was miserable and running was an outlet for me. I was able to run and not think about anything but the music or a little to the left and little to the right, faster, slower, I can't keep running, yes you can, you are going to keep running until you reach this distance and then we will slow down to catch your breath but not stop, then run until the next ridiculous distance.