I think I'm getting better. Last week or the week before, maybe even the week before that (it's been a really long and fast past few weeks) I decided to just let all of my emotions go. I talked to my parents before break and they know that I don't hate them whic is a large relief for me. That stress was off my shoulders and I talked to them about money which is always a stress in my life, but this was calmer. I also am trying to make friends, real friends but I'm still really hesitant to do things like that. Just anxiety adn stuff. But I stopped holding back my anger, frustration, and depression, which in exchange let me experience actual happiness, joy, and all these different positive feelings too. This is a double edged sword because though I can feel great highs I can also feel great lows. Today I felt low. I had a shit morning where I woke up slightly early to finish typing up my lesson plan for that morning. I ended up finishing like 5 minutes after 9 and my first class was at nine. I was ready to leave except I couldn't find my keys and I forgot my ID badge until I walked out of the building but I was able to notice before the door closed so i ran back to my room and spent like 5-10 minutes looking for my ID. It was the most frustrating thing in the world. I was 30 minutes late to class. 30 minutes. If I didn't think I was going to teach I would have just skipped and collected myself so I wouldn't be pissed off. I went to class in a shit mood. I was sore, I spent the morning frustrated at my dis organization and I had to walk across camppus with my shoes that were hurting my feet. I was done with the day before I had even started. So, I was unhappy but nothing major, just the mix of it being the morning, a Monday, and the shit start I needed to chill. Needless to say I was feeling low. My mood was slightly going up and then I was talking to Addy during my 9am and I noticed that she had these recent cuts on her arm which made me very sad for her and for her to think she had to do that to feel better. Then Marsh- gave us a lecture on how we were doing terribly in class in my 10am and I didn't need that in my life. I'm good at acting very non-chalant especially when I know he is talking about me. I was very unhappy. With both my low mood, seeing Addy's arm, and the lecture I was feeling really triggered. I've had the urge to cut these past few weeks but it hasn't been strong and it's usually just in passing (I've been tooo busy to even consider doing anything). But this morning it was elongated and I tried to draw blood in class with my nails and then my baton and a mechanical pencil but nothing worked. Which was a good thing but i really wanted that release the one that would make me forget my problems for awhile. I didn't however because I was not about to walk to my room to get something and it's just a big problem to cover it up, though no one really gives a fuck. Thta's besides the point though. I worked thorugh my rage and frustration and I was able to make it through the morning and get somethings done. Then my mood was able to lift and I even napped. I felt better by the night and I was high on life. Though I;m not being very productive tonight. I tried but it didn't happen. The history of conducting is actually really fucking boring and I can't do that to myself tonight. I tried though. But the point of this is that I was able to control my urge and I don't know if I like it or not. I sort of miss that rush of endorphins but I'm considering starting to work out because I honestly do like it. I just feel a bit uncomfortable working out here. We'll see.