You know when your brain thinks about a million things at once but none of it is relevant enough for it to inform you unless you trigger it some how? Well, I'm reading John Green's Looking for Alaska, which is amazing by the way, and I was analyzing Alaska's character and what I'm predicting from every new piece of information and such. I started thinking about what kind of friend she would be to me, or how we would get along, or a similar character like Alaska entering my life. With this I thought I wouldn't keep her for long, because I don't keep anyone for long. Then I realized a new theory as to why I have been unable to make a connection with anyone since high school, because the culture change excuse is getting old. I think it's because I had Gil before. Gil got it. He was able to look past my many faults, even those that came and went throughout the years, just like I did with him and we just meshed. We understood each other in a way I didn't and still don't understand. The chemistry was just there. Granted I don't remember much any of it, mostly because I try not to think of high school. It wasn't particularly bad, but I just don't think about any time frame ever. I don't really think of teh present past or future, because I might break if I think too much about any of it. It's really stupid really, but I just haven't found a time when I can just completely be destroyed and have someone help me out of it, because I let it happen, if I release the floodgates and there is no one there for me on the other side I won't have the strength to go on. Which is so stupid, to be so reliant on others, but it's there. Maybe I'll be able to do it on my own but I'm too afraid to try. There was a time I wasn't afraid to die. I wan't afraid of what would happen afterwards, but back then i felt like nothing could be worse than what I felt. Now, I know there is such a hell living in your own mind that I am afraid of death. I'm more afraid of the immense guilt I would inevitably feel, whether there is a life after death or not. My every move is for my parents not to feel guilty. Angry and sad, yes. But not guilty. I live in guilt every day of my life, I can't really do anything in this house that doesn't remind me of different things I did, do, or will do that will make them feel guilty or think something was their fault. It would break their hearts and I can't live with that. So, I deal with it, because it's easier. My parents are actually my kryptonite. I can keep myself from crying or showing any emotion about anything, except when it comes to them or anything that could devastate them. It's shit really, because, like everyone else, my mind thinks about everything at once, including how something affects me, my friends(ha), and my parents, then every emotion and reaction they will have and the people talking to me can't go ahead that far because it's such a far fetched idea that unless you were my mind you wouldn't understand. So if it makes me even possibly fathom the feelings my parents will have, I'll cry. It fucking sucks. Back to friends. I seriously don't have any, it feels like, because I just don't know how to function anymore. I honestly don't recognize myself anymore. I don't know when exactly I lost myself but I'm not here anymore. I don't know where I am or how it's possible to no longer be your own being. I think I know how to get back, but like I said. I don't know how I'll be able to survive it without anyone around me. I have pushed everyone that could possibly care away from me. Why? Because it's easier, it's exhausting being this person I am now. I am always acting, I am always on the verge of shattering. I'm not strong, I'm weak, so fucking weak and it's exhausting tiring to hold the entire world on your shoulders when you're just a hollow shadow of the person you should be. If I let go, if I stop, I will be crushed. I will spend weeks crying, writhing in pure agony. I will be destroying every single wall, every single protective barrier that I have created to stop what I have to do. I was there once. I spent months in hell and I dealt with it by starving myself, cutting myself, and trying to find pleasure through pleasuring others. I destroyed every once of innocence that could be found. Here I am again. Years later, full of regret for my hundreds of actions since I lost myself. I lost my anchors to this life years ago, back in high school when I tried to separate myself from the pain of separation that would inevitably happen. I'm so stupid for trying to be a masochist like that, shouldering all the pain for all of us. I'm an idiot. Now, here I am virtually friendless and keeping myself together with rubber bands and gum because I ran out of duck tape years ago. I know it's what I have to do. I need to break in order to let loose my self. I can't though, it is fucking terrifying. Things can only get better after I do though. I know. I never cry, I hate crying, because every emotion just flows out of me at that time and it is something that is only painful and I don't think I'm strong enough to do it. I need a safe space where I can just become completely unraveled and naked for the world to see with out worrying about my parents finding out the pain I'm in or my professor's obligatory worry about my mental state or roommate's awkward interaction with the basket case she lives with, or the worry from my aquantices at school. It's all terribly mundane but they will just cause me more turmoil and I can't have that when I'll be so vulnerable. I need someone to say that things will be okay and mean it. To just sit there in my company so I know someone out there will be waiting for me once I'm back. Someone who will still love me when I'm myself. You guys should remember me. That firecracker who was passionate about whatever she spoke about. The different spectrum's of emotion that you could read. How I cared so much about my friends and all the different scenarios we would go through. I miss that person. I miss my drive, my motivation, my passion. I feel so lost. I feel so gray. I don't have anything except the ability to just lose this shell and hopefully regain that person I was before. It's terrifying. I don't know. There is so much out there to live thorugh and I just am too afraid to feel it. God, I'm just fucking complaining now, making excuses. I'm pathetic. So fucking pathetic. This was my worst nightmare.