The End of Thoughts

Happy Father's Day all!

My fathers day was pretty lame. I spent it at home playing GTA, I finished my car vendetta. I went crazy! My second to last car was called a 'Mesa' which was basically a Jeep, and it's BEYOND rare, so you rarely find it. So I had finally found one after about 30 minutes of searching and driving around waiting. So I steal it and start driving to the Paint n' Spray to get it to mint condition then to drive it to the docks. So on the way there I graze this other car, I think nothing anything about it since I was going to fix the car anyways, but this driver goes crazy! He's what we would call an aggressive driver. So he starts following me and ramming into me and ultimately his goal was to destroy me so I get my car into the paint n' spray and he's trapped outside, but that last only a few seconds, the door opened again I ran out of the jeep in hopes of destroying the driver before he had a chance to destroy the jeep. He is calm for like 5 seconds when I get out of the car and almost run out of the garage, then this car RAMS my jeep and it flips over, and when your car (any car) flip over on it's side or back and it can't be fixed, it catches on fire. I was PISSED. I started shooting the other car and I blew him up too. I was still pissed though. I ran out I stole a motorcycle and I started going on a shooting spree, I destroyed any car that even RESEMBLED the one that destroyed my jeep. I was beyond angry. I figured out after my 20 minute rampage that the weather had to be sunny and I had to be in a certain area at a certain time to find the jeep. I finally got another one where another angry driver hit me and destroyed that car. Finally my third try (an hour later) I got it. But I took several road trips in the middle so it wasn't all waiting.

So I actually have statistics homework, that I SHOULD be doing. but it's to watch T.V. and I'm WAY to distracted to watch t.v. continuously. I really did try today! But, GTA kept distracting me. Yeah, when I get into a video game I REALLY get into it. You know that Pirates of the Caribbean online game? I got through that online game as far as I could with out paying in 3 days. It was awesome. i probably done like 2 or 1 1/2 if I didn't sleep or had my parents annoying the hell out of me. Yeah, I was SLIGHTLY obsessed. But it's okay. I rarely do it, only during break.

I feel like visiting Dysprosium at her job. i haven't seen her since... two weeks ago? Oh wow. Lol, it feels like WAY longer ago! My favorite part of us being friends? That she is always excited to see me, or at least she acts like it. Yeah. A bit pathetic but who cares? I know I don't.

Oh! Yeah, a comment on yesterdays dream I must make, yeah, I realize I didn't really say anything about the whole basically cheating thing in the dream. But honestly, what future would there have been with me. I was basically about to die on several occasions for my cause in like a 3 day span. I was not stable at all and I was always in danger, and it was one of those things that I could only do by myself. So yeah, I GUESS I felt bad, but honestly technically she was mine first. So ugh. I... umm... okay let me try and word this in a way that it will ACTUALLY make sense.

Let's start this explanation over again! So Ar had a girlfriend R, and I was always out on a dangerous mission to save the country or whatever. I think I loved Ar in said dream, like I said it was a dream and I don't exactly remember what I felt long term. I know Ar loved me in said dream, so I knew I was hurting her by always being in danger and her always waiting for me and not knowing whether or not I would come back. So wen I saw she had a girlfriend I was phased but not tremendously. I was happy she had found someone that would be stable and there for her in a way I couldn't be. I swear I'm writing a book about this if I have the time XD. Ar should be happy and her going to the happiest place in the world with a person that could always be there for her and not be a liability. Jeez that sounds way more sappy then I meant it to come out, considering it was a dream. But yeah, that's why I didn't care about the cheating. I mean it was only going to be for those few moments before I had to go back and she was leaving the next day for zeus knows how long. So yeah. I'm sure I just wanted to enjoy it for as long as I could, and I'm sure it was the same for her. I'm sure if my sub conscience is as dramatic and cliche as I believe it is if I survived the entire ordeal I would go meet Ar at Disney in an exciting and surprising way. So yeah! If you were wondering why and hadn't figured it out, considering it was kind of in my mind and I didn't give you that great of a description.

So yeah! I have my second week of school tomorrow! I really don't want to go any more! I am so bored at school, I mean yeah I'm learning or whatever but I HATE Calculus, I despise it more than Physics. And Calculus is THREE hours long with a teacher I absolutely abhor. She's a bitch.

I'm working off of my phones internet on my laptop, it's kind of weird but I don't signal any other way. I don't have internet at my house I 'share' other peoples internet, it's horrible but my mother is cheap. I'm kind of scared for my phone, it's a little hot, so I think it's starting to over heat but, eh.

Man, my hair is getting LONG! I am getting a bit aggravated by it. I have to cut it, but if I cut it it'll be short like the last time. But, I am SO not going to put up with that during band. I might just let it get long during marching band and then chop it all off for winter. Start the new year with short hair. Ugh! College, senior year, band,I can't wait to be free, but I can't imagine being away from my friends. i think I'm giving up on my Private school dreams and I'm just going to go to Penn State or some other out of state school I'm sure if I try I could get into. My grades were way under par this year. There was really nothing I could do though. I'm going to try incredibly hard this year, but I know Calculus is going to give me the hardest time. I can do english no sweat, I can do Government no problem, I have economics if I study, Stats will be a breeze, Theory will be easy, Choir will be challenging but I'll try my hardest, Band will be an adventure but I'll get through it, online Bio will be easy when I sign up for it, eventually, but Calculus will be the hardest thing I'll have. I'm beyond discouraged, I just have a negative connotation on the teacher and the subject and the material, it's just something I don't know whether or not I'll be able to endure. I really want to drop it, I'm honestly scared.

The future generally scares me, I'm afraid I screwed myself over so much that I'm not going to be able to get into any college. And even if I do get accepted, how am I supposed to pay for it? My parents are too poor to help me in anything, I'm basically going to be on my own. Why do you think I want to go so far away? Because I don't want them to see me struggling to pay for college, I don't want to see them and be so angry at them for not being able to help me in any way. That way I can just call them and tell then everything is okay and I'm doing fine and all the bills are getting paid and all. I'm really scared lol. See, I even threw in an lol to lighten up the mood.

Man, my sub conscience is so dramatic lol. All my dreams are so black or white, at least in the heat of the (night) moment it is. Sorry, I could resist, one of my friends my sophomore year used to always sing that song, just those first few words, because she never learned the rest of the song.

I'm pretty much rambling now, so just allow me to go on my word rampage.

So you know, I still get angry when I see Thorium's picture or I see him in person. Yet in my freaking dream I had a sense of calm and peace when I saw him. I mean what the hell is that. Stupid stupid. Because I had a sense of, things would be okay and go back like they were before in that one look. But in stupid real life all his pictures just scream I'VE MOVED ON GET OVER IT! I can't STAND that it's like that now! I'm mean, don't get me wrong Technetium is my best friend and we have just gotten closer, but Thorium my my original rock. He was there when all my other shit friends were off doing nothing. I would say they had their own things going on, but they didn't. There was nothing important or serious or even remotely contradicting going on. They were just being selfish fuckers. I mean, I was too but my mind was in shambles I was trapped in my old stupidity and I couldn't find a way out other than trapping myself in a rock where no one could touch me or get near me, and guess who came along and helped me out of the rock? Yup, Thorium, while the rest of my so called friends were off having fun not seeing any of the bad outside of their own little bubbles.

Now when I say 'friends' I don't mean them all, I mean the ones that love to call me one of their close friends but don't do anything to make me that, what do they know about me, hm... I'm in band, I play the flute, maybe the fact I have a half sister, maybe they'll even remember I hate her, they'll say I'm in ubms, if they even remember it, they'll say I'm tall, I'm 'crazy', I play the flute, I'm the assistant section leader, they might remember that I tried out my freshman year and fern beat me out, they'll say I like music, they might remember I want to be a composer or a chemist. They won't know that I was in a severe depression since the end of 8th grade that didn't dim down until the middle of 10th grade and moved down to a regular depression until I reached a few months before 11th grade ended, and that now I'm trying very hard to not revert back to anything I was back then. They wouldn't be able to tell you that I like both girls and boys, they wouldn't be able to tell you that I dated a guy for a week, only a few knew about that, they wouldn't know I absolutely HATED my first boyfriend and even to this day I don't know why exactly I said yes. They wouldn't be able to tell you that he kissed *gag* me when he walked me to 6th period one day and I was absolutely furious, that I had to keep on the inside. And I told him a fake reason why I was mad, they wouldn't be able to tell you that he ickily licked his lips before hand because it was a sloppy surprise kiss, I was pissed btw, they wouldn't be able to tell you I also want to study genetics and sociology and psychology and biology and biochemistry and they wouldn't be able to tell you that I actually do like Greys and I'm kind of sort of obsessed with it, but House beats out everything, I'm a sucker for doctor shows. Top 3 you might ask them? House, Grey's, Scrubs, but my 'friends' would know it. If you can't answer at least half of these, well then, you are pretty much a failure, The top 3 I'll even let you only have the first one.

Yeah, that's my rant. And I have school in like 7 hours, and I have a report I haven't don that I will do in 5 hours when my mother finds it necessary to wake me up.