Life is frustrating right now. You know, I fucking love girls right? Like I would love and marry the shit out of a girl. Well, I feel like I'm in high school all over again and just hiding behind the closet door. I know no one thinks I'm gay, why? Because the girl I hang out the most with called her friend way more liberal than me, and she started out with saying how she was a lesbian unlike me. I'm not hiding if someone asked I would say yeah, I'm about 80% girl loving 20% guy loving. So, it's bothering I have NO one to talk to about these gay feelings just emitting from my every pore. Like if it weren't for my physical attraction to girls I would forget I was basically a lesbian because that's how much I restrain myself. I do, however, do the guy thing and appreciate a girl with really legs, and butt and body. One can't help it. But, seriously bothering the fuck out of me. To add on to frustration, Gil and I haven't spoken in about 2 weeks, if not more. I actually do miss him a lot, considering he just knows me, and I know him. We had good talks he could tell me anything I could tell him anything, it was great you know? But I'm sure he's found a great community of friends and I'm stuck with the anti-social crowd. Always the fucking anti-social crowd. Tara hates everything and complains about everything, Katie hates people and prefers not to socialize, Julianne(I actually have a slight crush on her) is socially awkward. I wish I would have joined a sorority considering they are actually bad ass here and not just drunk ass holes like at other schools. I want to speak to him. But he's moved on and probably no longer even thinks about silly old me. Story of my fucking life. No friends and no ability to get a girlfriend due to the fact I have some lame ass appeal and there are almost no lesbians here.

Okay guys! Serious shit time of the month! So! A few days ago, I think either earlier this week or late last week I got really pissed off at Gil. I was attempting to keep conversation with him. He's my friend, one of my best friends, and I wanted to keep in touch. So I was fighting against being tired and busy and past him being tired and busy and I tried speaking with him. Honestly at the end it was like he wasn't even paying attention to what I was writing. I don't know if he was or wasn't but that's what it felt like and... ugh. So I told him, in a very pissy way. Then after I calmed down and he yelled back at me, I decided to tell him what the fuck I was feeling still angry but less bitchy. Just angry and hurt. He didn't reply. I haven't talked to him sense. It hurts, but not as bad as before. I just miss him. I miss hugging my friends, I miss getting hugs from my friends. I miss getting attacked by my friends. I miss it a lot. People here are great, but I'm just not there yet with them. I'm kinda afraid I will get too attached if I hug them, or that I will just like, hang on for dear life because it's just so painful being away from those who love me and the ones I love. I miss Gil, I miss Angeli, I miss Keonna, I miss Taylor, I miss Kristine, I miss Kristina, I miss Fernando, I miss Jacque, I miss Mai, I miss bendorf, I miss AP theory, I miss Taylor S., I miss Vince. Man. I'm just lonely in the midst of friends. I feel that Julianne can be one of those friends, like I feel a weird connection to her. It's weird. But I do. Anyways. I just though you guys should know.

I am so fucking exhausted, but this is the only time I will be able to motivate myself to write this. Super condensed version. I got a job speaking spanish for an hour everyday. I wrote a speech about 20 minutes before I had to present it. I made 2nd chair out of the 4 of us. I'm the only freshman. Emma is 3rd, she's a junior. Chris is 1st, he's a senior. Diane is last(she didn't audition she's doing it later), I think she's either a senior or junior. Tara made wind ensemble, 3rd chair out of like 7. Tara is my mus. ed friend here. I'm volunteering somewhere far away to walk to. Shoot me. I still have no money. From my loan, which means I don't have my books. I hate life. I'm tired and I really hate taking showers here. I practice. I suck at piano. I wish it would die. I am slacking. I'm sure I'm failing 3 of my classes due to lack of me turning in work. My tests are beast, I just hate doing stupid homework. And not having a book to do it with. So that pisses me off. I'm being really lazy. I want mexican food, or taco bell, I want to not be afraid to touch things in the 2 by 2 shower stall. I am complaining on here because Tara is a little pessimistic bitch, so I can't complain or say the negative things on my mind. I really miss keonna, angeli, my gil, and people from school. I want my hug from angeli. I want to hug Gil goodbye. I want a hug. Like. I'm so lonely. No lie. On the bright side I think I made a friend with this girl named Julianne. I really, legit want to get to know her. She seems legit and fun. It appears that she likes me too. So I think I made a new friend. Tara is think ing of transferring next semester. Which would kinda be good and bad for me. I would finally be able to branch out and be friends with other people because I always feel bad leaving her alone when I speak to others. But bad because she reminds me of all my homework I have to do. Ugh. I've met basically her entire family. Her mother, father, only sister, grandmother, grandfather, aunt, fake uncle, and her 2 little cousins. I am tired. as heck like for real.