looking back on the semester

In the process of trying to write here, I almost started a new blog. Hey, I might you never know. Just switch it up on you haha. So last time I posted/ had time to post I was in a whirlpool of scared. Now, I'll never admit it, but I was. Maybe not in a normal way but I was. It's terrifying going up north, being hispanic, being poor, and mostly being gay. All of that is reason enough for some people to hate me. Just one of those is enough. Now, I'm not ashamed of any of these, and the only one I would care to change is the poor one. I love being hispanic and from the south and I love loving people, most of them just happen to be girls. I was still struggling with it. I know I like girls and I was struggling with saying that I'm a lesbian. Not that that's the issue, it's all the problems that come along with it. It really is just enough to scare me shitless. It's like I want to get out there but I'm afraid to be out there. It scary you know? It's nice and safe being relatively in the closet. It's like my nice warm blanket that just came out of the dryer. And coming out is like a major blizzard. It's fucking terrifying. But it's okay. It's not really any less scary. But I'm okay with it. All of that just got in the way with me. I was attempting to be someone I'm not. And that just doesn't roll well with me. It really affected my grades. That and my douche bag teacher. Man, he just fucked me over, but whatever. Next semester is a new start. I only have one class with douche bag. The teacher not Tara. Tara has a boyfriend now. Which I find hilarious, at least it'll get her off my back. Especially since he's "long distance". I really hope she doesn't hold this over me or anyone else doesn't hold that over me. If I were interested in guys or just certain guys I would have a boyfriend and life would be so much easier, but alas, life has decided to throw me for a complicated loop. Now, a common misconception within my friends is that I'm confident, a risk taker, and courageous. I actually am a complete and total coward. I get spurs of courage here and there but for the most part,I'm a coward. I generally get courage through people, so I'm hoping one day I'll find that someone who will inspire me to always be courageous. 2012... It's coming up. I really don't feel it. It's actually christmas ever. I didn't even know. I'm sort of jaded. I experience things. I feel the emotions, but if I don't like them I just shove them away some where in my mind. I don 't know where. I can kind of feel the tension. It's not healthy and I convince myself that if I didn't do that I would go back. I'd be back to the days where everything hurt and everything didn't hurt. All at once. I have to say that's the most terrifying thing. I'm terrified of myself. I'm scared shitless of going through that again. If you've ever been through it you know. I felt terrible at all times. I would feel pain that nothing but a release of endorphins would fix. So, I surpress. Not healthy AT ALL. Like I said. I'm a coward. Also, crying gives me a headache so I'd rather not do that. I feel like I'm a broken mirror that was pieced together with some mysterious solvent and I've dried now it's time to be taken off the thing I was laid upon and I'm scared I'll just fall apart again. Everything is just so ugh. One thing goes right and 100 other things go wrong. It really sucks ass. Maybe I'll gather some courage. I really hope I do.