Late night/ early morning

I have to say I done did fucked up. Now, not in a very big way, in some one's world yes. Not really in a way towards me. I mean well, okay. So, we all know I have been sort of really questioning myself. Both in a sexuality aspect and just a manner of who the hell am I. In my time of speculation and pretty much meltdown, I began speaking to someone. Now, I don't actually remember how, it was awhile ago. And it just developed into a friendship and a good friendship to a best friend. Not to belittle the relationship because it was a great friendship, but this friendship moved so quickly because it was at a time when I hated myself, everyone, and I had just pretty much yelled my forever best friend out of my life. On a side note, I say forever best friend because best friend some how doesn't do justice to the relationship. We don't really ever stop being friends even when we stop. We aren't extremely close, but some how we are. It's a weird thing, but he's a friend for life even if we don't see or talk to each other, we some how always are. Okay, back on topic. So this is what happened. I was still really unsure about being a pretty much full on lesbian. I really was having trouble dealing. Just due to my past and all this denying I did when I was young. Now. I've been gay. My entire life. I have only truly ever liked one guy, but he shouldn't count because that relationship is weird and not normal in my mind. When I look back I've only ever liked girls and found them attractive. I did find males attractive but I wanted to get to know girls and know more. You know, the way you like guys when a girl is straight. I am pretty much a lesbian but I'm not closed off to maybe liking a guy. Okay, so. In my time of trouble I pretty much did two things. One, I latched on to someone and devoted a lot of my time to said someone. Two, I tried to use him sub-consciencly to prove to myself that I still liked guys and that he was a perfect guy to do it with. He would be great for me and such and I was drowning in my I can't accept that I can only like girls, like it was wrong. Which it's not and I have never thought that about anyone but myself due to my own insecurities. So. I started out my dating life flirting shamelessly and leading guys on, and apparently a girl, The girl COMPLETELY unintentional that was weird, though I wish I had just... taken the lead and had accepted my feeling earlier. I warmed up later, however it was too late. I lead her on and left her there. So, that's what I know, unfortunately, because I know it works. I know I used to be able to be a great sexter and getting guys all hot and other things I'm not 100% proud of. only maybe like 5% proud of, because it was pretty epic. So, I did that. I wanted to feel something. I didn't. I know he did. Pretty much the entire time. Except maybe for like the very beginning stages of the friendship. I really tried and he was a perfect candidate. But, nothing I felt nothing. And now I feel kinda awkward. Because I honestly lead him on. And I told him. But my words did not match my actions(in words, if that makes any sense). So, I pretty much don't know what to do. I kinda completely regret my actions from the past 2 or 3 months. I mean, it did me really well. I have for sure shut up all my doubts and I know that I'm gay. I like girls. No, I love girls [insert Emily speech to JJ in JJ's episode on skins 3rd series UK]. I am completely weird right now. I don't know why. Well I do. I've been feeling this awkwardness and now I dunno what to do with myself or with this situation. I know who I am, I don't know how to approach it. But I know what I like for sure. The situation I created is slightly messy however. Because I am completely over the situation and the other is not. I know that. And I am having trouble trying to figure out where this person lies in my life now. I am a terrible person. I honestly feel like I'm breaking up with someone. I wish there could just be a stasis of time where I can just figure things out and not do this ignoring thing. Because he obviously knows. Man. Seriously. Also, I'm slightly disappointed with who he is, I thought I knew but as time moves on, things just bother me more and more. This is really lame. On a side note, I'm staying up all day tonight(morning)So I can fix my fucked up sleeping schedule. I woke up around 4p.m. and it is now 5:30a.m. I am planning to fall asleep around 9p.m. or 10p.m. and be done. Hopefully it'll fix it. I'm dreading having my mother walk in my room and yell at me to fall asleep. I am a coward pretty much.