Ha, I'm a wreck at the moment.

Breathe Me

Homecoming week!

Was lame, lol. Nothing too interesting. Some people dressed up, nothing too fancy.

I didn't really do anything. Spirity. Lol, I'm not a fan of the school spirit things and such. Lol, I'm in the band, I think that's good enough!

The dance was yesterday, I totally skipped it. :] I didn't really want to go. My only initiative to go was to go see my friend and her not-so-new boyfriend. Lucky for me she didn't go :D

So I didn't miss anything.
It probably would have been really lame anyways, my friends are pretty lame at dances. They love to sit and not go out and dance at a dance. It's their hang out time. So what ev.

Hm... I've been watching a million youtube videos today. Lol. Man I've become addicted to it since the summer XD

I would tell you what I watch but you wouldn't be interested!

Hm... I really did have a point to posting this. I had a topic. and it's gone now... darn lol. I really don't know. Youtube youtube youtube youtube youtube youtube youtube youtube youtube youtube youtube youtube youtube youtube. Lol, I'm trying to remember what I was going to say! Lol.

Well, until I remember I shall talk about something else that has been on my mind. So I dunno. I've been thinking of making a different blog, whether it be private or public, on this same account just talking about self harm and my self harm and things like that. I dunno. I haven't decided yet. On one side I'm like It will totally help me to get these things off my chest, but on the other hand I don't know if I'm at that point where I can talk about it often and not become triggered.

Dunno, we'll see how that works out :P

My Friday was amazing! My mood was just so happy! I dunno why, I think the homecoming thing was getting to me or the fact that my incredibly horridly long ugly week of band was over. Idk.

My mood was awesome! Then it just crashed, but it's okay, because I had that one day where teh entire week SUCKED. I swear. I dunno if I talked about it already but here's the run down!

Monday- Class between 10:46-12:15 Inside Practice 3:30-6 (as usual)
Tuesday- Class 10:46-12:15 outside, Practice 5-8
Wednesday- Class 10:46-12:15 inside, Practice 1-3:30 (Early release day)
Thursday- Class 10:46-12:15(Masterclass) inside, Practice 3:30-4:30, Parade 5-6
Friday- Class 10:46-12:15 inside, Pep Rally 1:10-2:30, Practice 3:30-5 Game(including prep time) 6-11:30

I don't even want to know how much band I did this week. I would kill myself.
I did the math, A little under 26 hours. RIDICULOUS. I really hope my math is wrong on this one.

Ah! I remember I was going to rant about something, but I've changed my mind.

So that was my week. I'll talk to you guys later! Bye

Stupid Tired!

Of course, I shouldn't be on here, but I am.

This week was EFFING LONG. I'm feeling a bit better. But now my ear hurts. Everytime I swallow I'm really hoping I didn't get an infection. and it's just something that will go away, like my throat. I can sing for tomorrow! Which I am psyched for! It really kills me to not sing in choir! Since we never sing, it's so stupid. I'm used to over acheiving in music. and not doing so isn't making me get better. It is beyond frustrating.

So yesterday I had a long ass day. I woke up at 5:30 a.m. so I could leave at 6:20 so I could get breakfast (Which I did) so I could reach the grid at 7 to teach these two friends of mine their spots. 7-8:45 I did. At 9 I went to the college across the street to this room on one side of teh campus to find out I had to drive to another building I get there I go upstairs and I go to the room then I sit and the teachers lady asks for a volunteer to go back to the first room and get something that she forgot, so I go and I park at the wrong building (for the second time) and I run to the run then back to the car and drive back get there, talk about awkward period and vagina crap. And then we have to drive people back to the first room, and I do I finally park in teh right spot. They give us pizza then my UBMS director commeses to tell us we are failures for not applying for a milion scholarships and completing our college applications, or taking our tests. Then we go to another building on campus and go to the computer lab to sign up for the texas common app website. And such. Then I drive home sick as a dog at this point and my mom wants us to go to another part of town (which probably in every other city in the world is another city) to go to talk to some people. It starts raining and the point is I don't really get to go home and rest until about 5 p.m. I am exhuasted and I have no idea what I did. I can not repeat to you what I did last night. I was so out of it.

I was tired to say the least. Today I slept ALL DAY. That's a lie, I slept way longer that the day before considering I had A game Friday and didn't fall sleep until about 1:30 a.m. I woke up at 12 p.m. and I got ready to make lunch and head out to school to help decorate the area in front of the band hall for homecoming. I got there around 1:30 p.m. but is NHS asks I got there at 1, and I stayed until 6 p.m. It was fun, long but fun. btw, glitter gets old after about the 2nd hour of working with it, I got home at 6:30 ish. I rested about an hour minutes got in the shower and I was eating around 8 ish. I got everything ready I panicked and I am finally doing homework.

I have a lab report due tomorrow. I am considering not doing it. But I will be unable to do it tomorrow. Idk. Tomorrow is the last day too. But I still have Calculus and I have a test if I don't do it. I hate this. I've been busy and battling illness all week. I hate this. I guess I shouldn't have worked. But I got 5 hours to contribute to NHS now. I just need another 10 XD let's see how that works out!

UGH! I should be doing it now, but I feel so overwhelmed and I am feeling so tired.

I hate homework and Biology. I can deal with calculus, but bio lab reports are so useless in life.

Long and stupid.

I'm going to do my calclus and we'll see how much Bio I can do before I kill myself. lol not literally, ah I probably shouldn't make that joke after that last post, too soon too soon. XD never thought I'd use that phrase! hahaha

Bye guys! Thanks for distracting me again.

The Story.

So... I really have nothing that major going on in my life, but for the sake of putting off all of my homework because my head is pounding and I'm sick as a dog and I had to wake up about 3 hours after I fell asleep and go teach two kids their marching spots and then go do some UBMS crap. So I'm pretty much exhausted. But of course it's the busiest time of the year for me, so I can't stop!

Any ways. So the past week or two I was thinking about what I could talk about. And mostly it was whether or not I wanted to write this. I'm still thinking about it. But I'll see when I finish writing this.

So I decided to talk about the issue I addressed in my last post, or the one before that one I can't recall exactly right now. Ah, I don't think that sentence made any sense, I hope you know what I'm talking about XD

Yeah, I guess I'll discuss it. So I began in a really bad time in my life. My life broke around me and I felt stationary standing on all the shards. And yes, I could have dealt with it in a better manner, but I didn't know how to. I read about it once I was introduced to it. And I thought it was mad, ad being young and stupid I tried it, and it hurt like hell. And I was pissed and I was like oh HELL NO. Never doing that again!

Ha, but I did. And I'm not going to lie, it hurt but it felt amazing when the endorphines kicked it. And it started there. I started at one and then I didn't feel the same afterwards, so I moved to 2 and then was like okay, same feeling again, yes! Then it was a thought in my mind that if 2 felt good more would feel amazing! A very bad idea on my part, but it made sense. And after that I don't even know what happen. That month or so basically don't exist in my mind. I kind of know what happen it's just all a blur. Every day was a routine of the same thing. Wake up hate, life, self destruct, maybe eat, self destruct, run for about 2 hours, do exercise for an hour, self destruct, self destruct, hate life, fall asleep more or less hoping I wouldn't wake up very bad, very bad indeed.

I remember how I stopped. Or at least attempted to. One of my only friends at that time and I were texting and she asked me what I was doing and I distinctly remember laying in bed curled up pissed off, angry, a bit panicky, and depressed and I told her something that summed that all up because I hope lost my thing. And she totally went off on me, something I really wasn't expecting, especially from her. She did tell me I was pathetic and something else very mean. And I think I retaliated I don't exactly recall. What I said I know I didn't mean, that's all I remember, I was just super pissed. And then I made it my priority to stop it. Because I was going to prove her wrong.

And so I tried, to stop. I really and honestly did, and it lessened a bit, but I couldn't stop, it just became what I can only describe as being an addiction. You have to understand that I was feeling nothing but pure depression. Like imagine the worst time in your life and you being so depressed and feeling so hopeless. I felt like that everyday from the month before 8th grade ended until around the end of December beginning of January. And I could find to make me feel better was the act of cutting myself, it was that one random break in the pitch black clouds in the sky letting a ray of sun graze my skin. I had nothing else.

And if you are thinking "Well, if you believed in God he would have been able to pull you through it." See and that's valid reasoning on your part, the only issue with that, is that I believed in God, I wasn't a hardcore catholic or anything but I believed he existed and I believed that he would help me feel better. I think I would pray if not everyday, every other day begging him to tell me what I did wrong to deserve that and to give me a sign as to how I could redeem myself. And I know that now you're thinking that's why I don't believe in a deity, but once again your assumption isn't completely valid. I have several reason to not believe in him besides my own personal experiences with what I thought was god.

So when band came along it was getting harder and harder to stop mysef from wandering down my thigh to injure myself. And once damn... what's his name... I dunno, I've changed it a million times, Thorium or Bastard, you know who I'm talking about. He saw a wandering cut of mine or he saw a trail of blood go down my leg when we were on the grid. I just remember feeling petrified. No one I was in close contact to knew. And I didn't know how he was going to react, he just told me to stop and walked on. Once again someone who I considered a good friend told me to stop. And this time I really wanted to. I was just afraid of only being shrouded by black afterwards. So I stopped cutting about a month or two later. And I was doing good, but I thought about it all the time. I would get the urge. I wanted that feeling back, but I wasn't willing to betray myself. And I concentrated on academics. Then at the end of that year once again my world fell around me, but I just got so pissed at myself. I cried my way through that entire year. And I was so sick and tired of crying about the fact other people had such an effect on me.

I decided then at the end of the year when I had to break up with my boyfriend at that time that I wouldn't shed another tear because of someone else. I couldn't too many had already fallen. It was time for change and I did. I do think I have lost a bit of myself because of that, but eh.

I cut maybe twice from January to June, I was doing pretty good and that entire summer I think I went with out, or maybe I cut a few times, I'm not sure, but it was because of my own incompetency not for any one else. I would describe my 10th grade year as a hermit. I had no real friends, just aquantices. I just didn't want to trust anyone. I couldn't, it was too much hurt I just couldn't. Around the end of said year is when me and Thorium became closer.

10th grade year could be considered a cutting year. I really made no attempt to not do it I just had lost interest in everything so it would happen every so often. No big deal really I pretty numb that year.

Then last year big drama (as you have read) and I would just cut at random times. I do particularily remember at my Christmas concert I wore this white and black dress with only straps. I was angry pissed sad and numb all in one (odd combo I know) And I grabbed my razor from my own personal (old) hiding place and I totally grabbed the blade and cut my arm, something very odd, but I didn't want to stain the dress. It stung like heck I dabbed off the initial bleeding and I walked out the door not even a minute after. My mother continued to yell at me as I reeled off the initial high. I arrived at the band hall and my mother noticed not a thing. I had a jacket with me because we couldn't wear straps or something stupid like that. I took it off inside though because it was warm in there compared to the cold outside. I sat there and played with a long cut on my arm still bright red from the cut not even 20 minuutes earlier. And no one said a word. Some noticed I could tell by how the glanced at it. I did play with fire just to prove to myself that no one gave a shit. I would keep the said arm down while I spoke only using the right arm and then I would randomly make a large expression with both hands. I did this with several people. No one said a word as I suspected I went out and the jacket was only like a half arm length, and you could see it. It was on my forearm. But no one cared, lol.

I wouldn't do it often mostly because I saw it as a major sign of weakness. But I did it once in a while. I did how ever have a frenzy the second time me and thorium stopped talking. Every time I used the word shiny in my past posts, it's code for razor or cutting my self.

Then it was like... I want it again dammit! And I've decided after watching many videos it will work its self out. And when I'm able to move on I will. I still think about it but I don't do it very often.

Cutting for me is all I have to fall back on. I hate to say it, but it's the only good thing that has been consistent through my years of high school, something i could rely on to always make me happy. I hate it. So if you think I enjoy cutting you are beyond wrong. I enjoy the feeling of relief but I am left with all the shame and disappointment in myself afterwards. I hate it, but it's not easy to stop when you have nothing to fall back on except that.

So there is my rant on that. That was pretty dark, sorry! I totally did not mean it to be so dark though, so to lighten up your mood I will leave you with this too cool for school sun

In your world!

School! Ah, not fun!

So! My schedule used to be Cal, Gov/Eco, Choir, Filler, Band, Filler, Theory.

BUT no! My district couldn't let me be! Now they are forcing me to take an Bio Lab, which is LAME. The only reason I took the class, was because I could only fit 1 period of science in! And now I've been debating whether or not to get out of Online Biology to get out of the Lab. I kinda want my free period back, I really don't need the stress that is connected to that class. This is lame.

The only thing that has stopped me from doing so is that I have a preferred person in my class that other wise I would never be in class with said person. Only thing, and the whole 50 dollar drop fee thing. Ugh! Super lame!

I'm so not stressed though! Which is shocking really. Other that my own like schedule conflicts I'm not dying in any class.

My voice is totally dead today, though. Last night I spoke loudly the entire time and my voice slowly died in the night. I could only speak so loud. I remembered around the end of the football game. Oh yeahk, I forgot to mention it was a football game XD, but yeah, I remembered that I had a region choir camp thing at 9 the following morning til 1 that afternoon. I was like, crap! So this morning I went and my voice was killing me, my range was totally shot after lunch. It was madness! lol.

And now on monday I have to do this region audition thing for the choir directors to decide whether or not we are going to region. Me personally, I don't want to go and I didn't want to do the audition. But the alternative to the audition was singing all three of our pieces for a test grade. So I was basically bullied into it! Lameness. And I have to run and do it right after school so i don't miss any of band practice that would just be really really bad.

As for band, I have no comment. It's just no. Let's not speak of that right now.

Ah! So there is this girl who is in choir that I totally need to become friends with. I will probably elaborate on that later if I do become friends with her.

Oh! Something else I think is note worthy is that all 5 guys in our homecoming court are all my friends and are all AP kids! 2 of which are in band and another who in Choir! All of them are nerds involved in more than just one thing! I thought that was effing awesome! The tides are turning! Muahahaha!

LOL! That's about it.

Oh! And ha I'm informing my bus buddies the last six weeks of this year about things I'm sure they will find shocking maybe slightly surprising. I'm mostly doing it because they've known me forever and just because I think it'll be freaking hilarious!

It's amazing how much one can ramble on about nothing :D

Forever much?

So I haven't blogged in forever, mastly because I make videos now and that is basically just like talking to a very close friend that will never judge and accept everything you say but yet somehow still gets you to think. So yeah, my thoughts on life have just been turned on its side. So I guess I'll start at the beginning (or at least what I think is the beginning)

So, before school even began I was pretty much miserable, but don't feel bad for me or anything, miserable seems to be my forte. I just didn't know what to do or what I was about. I knew what I did and how it was done, I just didn't know how to add on and make something. So once band started I basically was like thinking about self injury every single day at least an hour a day. I was just obsessed with not doing it. That I was better than that and blah blah blah. Anyways, other than being miserable I youtube searched and I found some amazing things! So many people have made me reexamine so many things in my life it's honestly crazy. Yeah, and you guys have probably figured it out but I thought I'd say it anyways. Yes, I do still cut, I don't consider myself recovered by any means. Ha, you probably don't even know what that means! It's okay I really don't mind. But yeah, I'm just not crazy, before I was obsessed with stopping and stopping cold turkey and never doing it again with absolutely no scape goat. I now see it's okay that I can't do it, that it's really difficult to stop. All that matters is that I plan to stop in the future.

Anyways, I figured out other things too, but I won't bore you anymore about those things.

Hm... I have totally dropped chemistry and science. I no longer care for the subjects, at least not right now, maybe in the future, but right now, I want to concentrate on music. I am going to double major in music composition and either performance or something else. I'm going all music. It came about after I discussed it with my band director. I asked him about this confusing audition paper and he told me about things. And he was like.. have you even written things? I was like yes... (they no longer exist though, they went away when everything crashed) and he asked me why I was thinking of that particular school (it's a hard one to get in that music school) and I was like chemistry double major, and he said that's okay but you really have to think about music and he told me of this quote thing and it's this guy who mails this famous author and asks him how he can become a great author like him and the author told him when you wake up thinking about writing that's when you'll become a great writer. And that really hit me, what do I wake up and want to do every day? And music was the first thing that hit me. I was like... epiphany much? But yes good bye chemistry hello music.

Honestly I'm terrified about it. I had a horrible day in Theory this past Friday and I literally almost burst out in tears in class after class and my moping after school (I have the class last period) and I was a mess, but yeah it's days like that I feel horrible and I don't feel worthy. Is that weird to say? I don''t feel worthy of the music world I don't feel smart I don't feel good at it. In school I feel smarter than people and I feel dumber than people but I have never felt this sensation. It's like there is no bad in the world of music outside of school. I feel like this 10 year old walking into a high school or college. I feel so small compared to the tall shady shifting bodies rushing by me. I am so just ugh. I want this, but can I do it? I hate this feeling! Like I can only feel inadequate in music, I'm not better than people I'm just worse. I always want better. Ugh. I dunno I'm scared.

What else... I have no permanent ties with anyone anything I plant is in loose topsoil so I am easily rooted away. I hate it and love it all in one. I mean it's like this. I'm glad I don't have any close friends because that'll be less hurt in the end and I can concentrate so much more on other things. The bad part is that I have no one to talk to when I have thoughts or issues or I need help on something personal. I only have the cold touch of the internet for that. Uh, total bummer. Oh well.

Ah! I ordered a belt off of this website that is awesome! If you are ever wondering what to get me, get me edgar allen poem, little edgar allen poe, or anything having to do with The Raven 'Quoth the Raven "Nevermore"' Ah, my sweet Elanore! I love it! I can't wait until I get it! It will be bigger than the size I get though, they only sell it in one size so it was lame! Either that or I bought the last one XD

Anyways, I'm done if you want to know anymore just ask I swear I don't byte! (OMG I swear I've been waiting AGES to write that! Ah! Yes! XD)

So I'll see you guys later :]