The Story.

So... I really have nothing that major going on in my life, but for the sake of putting off all of my homework because my head is pounding and I'm sick as a dog and I had to wake up about 3 hours after I fell asleep and go teach two kids their marching spots and then go do some UBMS crap. So I'm pretty much exhausted. But of course it's the busiest time of the year for me, so I can't stop!

Any ways. So the past week or two I was thinking about what I could talk about. And mostly it was whether or not I wanted to write this. I'm still thinking about it. But I'll see when I finish writing this.

So I decided to talk about the issue I addressed in my last post, or the one before that one I can't recall exactly right now. Ah, I don't think that sentence made any sense, I hope you know what I'm talking about XD

Yeah, I guess I'll discuss it. So I began in a really bad time in my life. My life broke around me and I felt stationary standing on all the shards. And yes, I could have dealt with it in a better manner, but I didn't know how to. I read about it once I was introduced to it. And I thought it was mad, ad being young and stupid I tried it, and it hurt like hell. And I was pissed and I was like oh HELL NO. Never doing that again!

Ha, but I did. And I'm not going to lie, it hurt but it felt amazing when the endorphines kicked it. And it started there. I started at one and then I didn't feel the same afterwards, so I moved to 2 and then was like okay, same feeling again, yes! Then it was a thought in my mind that if 2 felt good more would feel amazing! A very bad idea on my part, but it made sense. And after that I don't even know what happen. That month or so basically don't exist in my mind. I kind of know what happen it's just all a blur. Every day was a routine of the same thing. Wake up hate, life, self destruct, maybe eat, self destruct, run for about 2 hours, do exercise for an hour, self destruct, self destruct, hate life, fall asleep more or less hoping I wouldn't wake up very bad, very bad indeed.

I remember how I stopped. Or at least attempted to. One of my only friends at that time and I were texting and she asked me what I was doing and I distinctly remember laying in bed curled up pissed off, angry, a bit panicky, and depressed and I told her something that summed that all up because I hope lost my thing. And she totally went off on me, something I really wasn't expecting, especially from her. She did tell me I was pathetic and something else very mean. And I think I retaliated I don't exactly recall. What I said I know I didn't mean, that's all I remember, I was just super pissed. And then I made it my priority to stop it. Because I was going to prove her wrong.

And so I tried, to stop. I really and honestly did, and it lessened a bit, but I couldn't stop, it just became what I can only describe as being an addiction. You have to understand that I was feeling nothing but pure depression. Like imagine the worst time in your life and you being so depressed and feeling so hopeless. I felt like that everyday from the month before 8th grade ended until around the end of December beginning of January. And I could find to make me feel better was the act of cutting myself, it was that one random break in the pitch black clouds in the sky letting a ray of sun graze my skin. I had nothing else.

And if you are thinking "Well, if you believed in God he would have been able to pull you through it." See and that's valid reasoning on your part, the only issue with that, is that I believed in God, I wasn't a hardcore catholic or anything but I believed he existed and I believed that he would help me feel better. I think I would pray if not everyday, every other day begging him to tell me what I did wrong to deserve that and to give me a sign as to how I could redeem myself. And I know that now you're thinking that's why I don't believe in a deity, but once again your assumption isn't completely valid. I have several reason to not believe in him besides my own personal experiences with what I thought was god.

So when band came along it was getting harder and harder to stop mysef from wandering down my thigh to injure myself. And once damn... what's his name... I dunno, I've changed it a million times, Thorium or Bastard, you know who I'm talking about. He saw a wandering cut of mine or he saw a trail of blood go down my leg when we were on the grid. I just remember feeling petrified. No one I was in close contact to knew. And I didn't know how he was going to react, he just told me to stop and walked on. Once again someone who I considered a good friend told me to stop. And this time I really wanted to. I was just afraid of only being shrouded by black afterwards. So I stopped cutting about a month or two later. And I was doing good, but I thought about it all the time. I would get the urge. I wanted that feeling back, but I wasn't willing to betray myself. And I concentrated on academics. Then at the end of that year once again my world fell around me, but I just got so pissed at myself. I cried my way through that entire year. And I was so sick and tired of crying about the fact other people had such an effect on me.

I decided then at the end of the year when I had to break up with my boyfriend at that time that I wouldn't shed another tear because of someone else. I couldn't too many had already fallen. It was time for change and I did. I do think I have lost a bit of myself because of that, but eh.

I cut maybe twice from January to June, I was doing pretty good and that entire summer I think I went with out, or maybe I cut a few times, I'm not sure, but it was because of my own incompetency not for any one else. I would describe my 10th grade year as a hermit. I had no real friends, just aquantices. I just didn't want to trust anyone. I couldn't, it was too much hurt I just couldn't. Around the end of said year is when me and Thorium became closer.

10th grade year could be considered a cutting year. I really made no attempt to not do it I just had lost interest in everything so it would happen every so often. No big deal really I pretty numb that year.

Then last year big drama (as you have read) and I would just cut at random times. I do particularily remember at my Christmas concert I wore this white and black dress with only straps. I was angry pissed sad and numb all in one (odd combo I know) And I grabbed my razor from my own personal (old) hiding place and I totally grabbed the blade and cut my arm, something very odd, but I didn't want to stain the dress. It stung like heck I dabbed off the initial bleeding and I walked out the door not even a minute after. My mother continued to yell at me as I reeled off the initial high. I arrived at the band hall and my mother noticed not a thing. I had a jacket with me because we couldn't wear straps or something stupid like that. I took it off inside though because it was warm in there compared to the cold outside. I sat there and played with a long cut on my arm still bright red from the cut not even 20 minuutes earlier. And no one said a word. Some noticed I could tell by how the glanced at it. I did play with fire just to prove to myself that no one gave a shit. I would keep the said arm down while I spoke only using the right arm and then I would randomly make a large expression with both hands. I did this with several people. No one said a word as I suspected I went out and the jacket was only like a half arm length, and you could see it. It was on my forearm. But no one cared, lol.

I wouldn't do it often mostly because I saw it as a major sign of weakness. But I did it once in a while. I did how ever have a frenzy the second time me and thorium stopped talking. Every time I used the word shiny in my past posts, it's code for razor or cutting my self.

Then it was like... I want it again dammit! And I've decided after watching many videos it will work its self out. And when I'm able to move on I will. I still think about it but I don't do it very often.

Cutting for me is all I have to fall back on. I hate to say it, but it's the only good thing that has been consistent through my years of high school, something i could rely on to always make me happy. I hate it. So if you think I enjoy cutting you are beyond wrong. I enjoy the feeling of relief but I am left with all the shame and disappointment in myself afterwards. I hate it, but it's not easy to stop when you have nothing to fall back on except that.

So there is my rant on that. That was pretty dark, sorry! I totally did not mean it to be so dark though, so to lighten up your mood I will leave you with this too cool for school sun