Forever much?

So I haven't blogged in forever, mastly because I make videos now and that is basically just like talking to a very close friend that will never judge and accept everything you say but yet somehow still gets you to think. So yeah, my thoughts on life have just been turned on its side. So I guess I'll start at the beginning (or at least what I think is the beginning)

So, before school even began I was pretty much miserable, but don't feel bad for me or anything, miserable seems to be my forte. I just didn't know what to do or what I was about. I knew what I did and how it was done, I just didn't know how to add on and make something. So once band started I basically was like thinking about self injury every single day at least an hour a day. I was just obsessed with not doing it. That I was better than that and blah blah blah. Anyways, other than being miserable I youtube searched and I found some amazing things! So many people have made me reexamine so many things in my life it's honestly crazy. Yeah, and you guys have probably figured it out but I thought I'd say it anyways. Yes, I do still cut, I don't consider myself recovered by any means. Ha, you probably don't even know what that means! It's okay I really don't mind. But yeah, I'm just not crazy, before I was obsessed with stopping and stopping cold turkey and never doing it again with absolutely no scape goat. I now see it's okay that I can't do it, that it's really difficult to stop. All that matters is that I plan to stop in the future.

Anyways, I figured out other things too, but I won't bore you anymore about those things.

Hm... I have totally dropped chemistry and science. I no longer care for the subjects, at least not right now, maybe in the future, but right now, I want to concentrate on music. I am going to double major in music composition and either performance or something else. I'm going all music. It came about after I discussed it with my band director. I asked him about this confusing audition paper and he told me about things. And he was like.. have you even written things? I was like yes... (they no longer exist though, they went away when everything crashed) and he asked me why I was thinking of that particular school (it's a hard one to get in that music school) and I was like chemistry double major, and he said that's okay but you really have to think about music and he told me of this quote thing and it's this guy who mails this famous author and asks him how he can become a great author like him and the author told him when you wake up thinking about writing that's when you'll become a great writer. And that really hit me, what do I wake up and want to do every day? And music was the first thing that hit me. I was like... epiphany much? But yes good bye chemistry hello music.

Honestly I'm terrified about it. I had a horrible day in Theory this past Friday and I literally almost burst out in tears in class after class and my moping after school (I have the class last period) and I was a mess, but yeah it's days like that I feel horrible and I don't feel worthy. Is that weird to say? I don''t feel worthy of the music world I don't feel smart I don't feel good at it. In school I feel smarter than people and I feel dumber than people but I have never felt this sensation. It's like there is no bad in the world of music outside of school. I feel like this 10 year old walking into a high school or college. I feel so small compared to the tall shady shifting bodies rushing by me. I am so just ugh. I want this, but can I do it? I hate this feeling! Like I can only feel inadequate in music, I'm not better than people I'm just worse. I always want better. Ugh. I dunno I'm scared.

What else... I have no permanent ties with anyone anything I plant is in loose topsoil so I am easily rooted away. I hate it and love it all in one. I mean it's like this. I'm glad I don't have any close friends because that'll be less hurt in the end and I can concentrate so much more on other things. The bad part is that I have no one to talk to when I have thoughts or issues or I need help on something personal. I only have the cold touch of the internet for that. Uh, total bummer. Oh well.

Ah! I ordered a belt off of this website that is awesome! If you are ever wondering what to get me, get me edgar allen poem, little edgar allen poe, or anything having to do with The Raven 'Quoth the Raven "Nevermore"' Ah, my sweet Elanore! I love it! I can't wait until I get it! It will be bigger than the size I get though, they only sell it in one size so it was lame! Either that or I bought the last one XD

Anyways, I'm done if you want to know anymore just ask I swear I don't byte! (OMG I swear I've been waiting AGES to write that! Ah! Yes! XD)

So I'll see you guys later :]