10 things to ten different people

day one: ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.

1. I did love you for a very long time, and I still do, hell I'd probably drop my life to be with you at the drop of a hat, but I'm over it, I just can't help loving you.

2. You're such a bitch, you know that? You try to act so fucking innocent all the time, no one will give a shit if you're a lesbian, or if you like girls. You make it more awkward for yourself, just be you and fuck everyone else. Being normal is overrated.

3. I wish only good things for you, you were a great friend to me this year and I'm glad I got to know you the way I did. I hope you don't get hurt, and you only do things to make you happy.

4. If you could stop looking at me like I'm a fucking idiot every time I make a mistake, that would be great. I'm not an idiot I know I fucking screwed up, get off your high horse.

5. Dude I've been saying I have a crush on you for over a year now, I'm only kidding myself at this point. I totally like you, but you have a stupid significant other that is also my friend and I couldn't do that to them XD I would fuck you when ever, you are fucking beautiful and I should hate you I know so many of your bad attributes, I just can't help it. You asshole XD

6. You are fabulous dude! I understand why you're in there, but I'm looking forward to your escape and living life for who and what you are, awesome XD You're so open and closed about it, I wash I could do that but I can't.

7. You have made my life a living hell and I'm going to be so happy to leave here in less than a year, no more of your stupid oppression. So fuck off bitch I'm not a sour person but your presence does it, I can't even imagine what my life would be like with out you, probably amazing.

8. I dislike you :)

9. You have no idea who I am, but you helped me come my realization and I'm so much happier with myself. Thank you, you are my role model.

10. You also don't know me well you know me as a reader XD but I want to thank you for introducing me into an entire sub-culture I didn't know about, it has probably changed my outlook on life, thank you so much. You fucking rock, and your new bellybutton piercing is beast!

Look out for the Bleh Bleh Bleh!

On this last day of 2010, I can say it has not been my worst, but it was the second worst ever in my life, well third if you count the year I lost God.

I lost a best friend, I gained another best friend and ended up with out either. Which doesn't really bother me, anymore. I ended the school year rocky and I started the next one just as rocky and I ended it failing my first class ever.

A strange thing has occurred though, when I found out I was going to fail, it was amazing. All the weight and the stress on my life was lifted away. It was amazing, and now I have a plan for my life. Beast in all my classes, it's a new year different topics, do beast in all my classes, get accepted to colleges, and enjoy life.

In 2011 I will drive to school and back through the week, like I've wanted to for my ENTIRE high school career. I can finally do what I want. And it'll be AMAZING!

I'm worried about my english situation, but there's nothing for me to do anymore. I'll deal with it as it comes. I will practice my flute or whatever, I'll compose music. I'll bring music back to my life as number one.

I''ll live my life care free, because when I'm stressed, I close down.

I'm much happier this way, trying to love the sober life of a hipster. :D

Here I come 2011, I regret so much in 2010, but things will be totally different in 2011, even if I have to kill some one XD jk jk, I won't kill anyone(in rl).

Of course

ROFL! My parents are talking about my childhood, and they are talking about me not playing with dolls. Now let me tell you guys something I did like barbies and such, I likes playing make believe with them (that's such a stupid name for a game) but NO ONE would play with me, so I quickly gave that up, and became annoyed with them. And my dad tried to buy me boy toys (lol) like balls(LOL) and gloves(omg, seriously?) and guns(okay, that one isn't as sexual) and such and my mom would get mad at him. Lol, I just thought that was a bit funny. I also found out that when I was a baby my dad never tried to help me, that jerk. I also figured out that in my family, both sides there isn't (that I know) a lesbian or a bisexual girl. A bunch of gay guys, but no lesbians. Okay more than a bunch. It's like a million gay guys XD I just found out that one of my uncles is now gay XD damn. It was about time for a change XP And I apologize for the major spam that will appear if you follow me, when I go home I'll fix it.

Oooo, another post! What is it Christmas?!

Well, it's christmas eve! So I guess.

I will probably make a Christmas post, just cause tomorrow. Since my entire family celebrates today not tomorrow.

I could really use a massage right now! Man, I am so tense from sitting in the same position all day these past few days.

A normal post I AM SOOOOO GOING TO FAIL ONLINE ENGLISH!

I'm making a valiant effort to try and pass but yesterday and today have pretty much been throw away days. Man, I'm so dead.

I have literally been listening to the same 3 songs the past 3 or 4 days, and today I expanded some, but it's still just Katy Perry (not that I don't love her or anything)

I wish I could just relax. I haven't had a proper vacation since freshman year? And we all know that was full of stupid moody shit.

I am SO glad my online dictionary has finally accepted that 'shit' is a word XD

OH, I think I'm getting a Snuggie for christmas XDDDD

I couldn't believe it!

Yesterday, I was out with family, and my cousin (not really my cousin, but I don't feel like figuring out what she is) who just finished her first semester at UT San Antonio, she was telling me about her life there and stuff (her mom was trying to scare me) and we have a lot of the same ideas. Lol I completely forgot where I was going to go with this.

Well, another thing, my aunt, my cousin's mom, gave me a charm bracelet with the Lords Prayer. Which meant something totally different to me, than the religious part of it. It's a Ballad we played in band, the best year ever, imo. So that meant so much more to me than she could ever know.

I"m getting my letterman patches in liek 2 weeks, and I'm going to call my ring representative so I can pay for the shipping so they can send me my class ring XD I'm uber excited.

Now if I pass Online english I will NEVER procrastinate online EVER again.

I really feel like crying and giving up, but I think I've found a way around it.

Anyways! I will see you guys tomorrow! (Maybe)

You are all BAMF's...


It just so happens that

P.S. Olive is a SUPER BAMF.


Yes, I had to add that on there, because it's basically the signature of all the posts so far.

Another Question

Mostly for those who are gay, or part gay or what ever.

Do you guys find it creepy that people with great gaydars (like my old on T.T) know your gay?

Like, before you know it, or wanted to come out, they knew?

Or with your gay friends before you came out, did you get paranoid about them knowing?

I think it's nerve racking, personally.

Considering I don't especially care if people know. But it kind of creeps me out that people know with out knowing with a gaydar.

Like the question of, do I register? Always pops into my head.

Like when I was assn. sec. leader, I cared about whether they knew or not, because I would have to touch them all the time to fix their posture or whatever, or be (what anyone who has never been in marching band) uncomfortably close to them, or have to really stare at them to make sure they were doing everything right. I think they would feel VERY uncomfortable knowing I was bi. I always wondered if they knew or whatever. Especially these two I had a crush on. The other one was a love sick fish, so she was too dense to realize. But I have always bee curious.

Or am I fucking them up like Olivia fucked up my radar? Which I would kind of enjoy.



So do you guys find it a bit creepy if you're still in the closet, or not completely comfortable with certain people knowing quite yet, or if you are out, when you were still in the closet, thinking back did you find it creepy or incredibly nerve racking?












Once again
P.S. I still love Olivia she is one BAMF.

OH! Serious Question!!!

So I have a gay issue. Both literally and figuratively, my gaydar is totally wack thanks to my friend Olivia, that lame bitch XD.

In 9th grade it was awesome my targets were all somehow gay. In 10th grade it worked for the most part, except I thought Olivia was gay. No, I knew she was, she screamed "I LIKE GIRLS" on my 'dar. But did I believe my instinct? Of course not. So I conveinced myself she wasn't because she would have told someone. I mean, she was all about fucking guys in 8th and 9th grade. So if she switched to girls, I think she would have said something. But of course she didn't, that bitch XD. So then after changing my entire thought process, it turns out she is gay. I almost killed some one. Just saying. So after being around her basically the whole year and telling myself I was wrong. It turns out she is.

So she made me break my gaydar, after that it was all jacked. Like when there was a question about Karen I don't even remember when, I had no idea. She appeared once before on my 'dar, but I ruled it as a false reading. But I was like OMG I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA. That's when I knew it was jacked.

Now this wasn't really an issue, until I realized I liked girls. So my past 2 years (almost) have been of me crushing on girls I think that read as 'I like girls' turn out to be straight as a damned stick. I mean wtf. That's really lame.

Stupid Olivia! It's such a drag crushing on the straights.

Anyways, my question is:

Do you guys have ANY ideas as to how I could fix my gaydar?

Anything will be appreciated! :D



P.S. Despite all my negative comments about Olivia, I love that chick, she's a BAMF!

?

This was originally going to be a gURL response, but it grew into something totally different, so if some things differ from what I've said in the past it's because it's mostly censored, and it's 1:30 a.m. and I'm so stressed my hair hassn't stopped falling out at a rapid pace in at least 3 weeks. It's a miracle I'm not bald yet, ANYWAYS, here's the post. And I swear I have written actual blogs, I just don't find them that meaningful XD






I started cutting when I was 14 I think, when I was in an incredibly bad place in my life. It was in the midst of my severe depression, everyday was so hard to live. I basically hated everything about myself, inside and out. I felt so alone. It was the summer and I was basically trapped in my house because I wasn't allowed to have anyone over during the day(my dad worked in the morning so he had to sleep all day) and I couldn't go anywhere because I never had permission to. So none of my friends even attempted to invite me any where anymore. In the midst of us starting high school soon they seemed to forget about me. I had just realized what the meaning of death really meant and the death of my grandfather, who I loved so much, that died when I was like 8 finally hit me. And basically everything that I have ever done wrong or that could possibly have been my fault, I felt was my fault and I felt guilty about the stupidest things. None of the above of course was helping my severe depression. So I started high school with a self injury problem and what could have been considered an eating disorder.

One day at practice I had fresh cuts on my leg that I didn't really have time to tend to correctly the night before, I felt something trickling down my leg, I of course assumed it was sweat, because I wasn't paranoid about that type of thing any more. So when we had a water break my (now) best friend walked over to me, looked me in the eye and reached down with a slight bend and lifted my shorts slightly and looked then put it down slowly and looked at me again, (of course to me it all happened in slow motion, out of pure fear of not knowing what he would say or do, let alone I liked him at the time) I didn't realize until later that I was holding my breath the entire time, and he told me to stop and then he walked away. I, stood there for another second and a half and then reached down to wipe away what I didn't know was there. I had another 2 hours of practice to think about what the hell had just happened. I didn't know how to react really. Earlier in the week (I think) my best friend at the time, and the only one that knew about my cutting at the time, had a huge fight. She was pissed about me being super depressed and pathetic about losing I think my razor, idk. But she was sick of it, and she told me something very impactful, of course I can't for the life of me rememebr what she told me that day, but the point is that she pretty much sent me to think. And then what happened in practice, I didn't know what to do really.

I knew I was sick and tired of having the compulsion to cut everyday to feel better about my down falls and that stupid voice in my head telling me I sucked. I knew what I was doing was wrong, I just had no idea as to what to do. So I told myself I needed to stop and I could only do what I knew what to do. So I stopped cold turkey. I didn't throw my razor away, that would have really been to much too soon. So I had it with me everyday at school in my pocket or in my back pack just to know that I could cut if I wanted to. But I would just think about my new life and what I would gain from cutting. I threw away cutting from being my devils advocate and only friend, to walking away from it and pushing it away when it wanted to come back. I didn't make it out scotch free. I did cut often, but it went from multiple times a day, to once a day, to once every few days, to once every week, to once every couple of weeks, and then months went by.

I really just had to believe things would get better I had to have faith that life wouldn't suck that much forever and my depression would go away one day. And trust me, I am a person that has the worst time having faith in anything or any one. I had to believe though. And sure enough I have had so many friends that I have loved very much. I have had my ups and downs of course, but my Mt. Everest was my best friend and I stopped talking to each other after a major fight and we just stopped. It was literally the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. The worst thing I have gone through, it really did feel like my heart was ripped out and just being stabbed repeatedly every time I saw him and every time I thought him or what ever. But I went through those 2-3 moths of hell with out one cut. That was my mile stone. I had finally learned how to deal with my issues, more or less, with out relying on my razor to help me escape.

The temptation always is there. Especially when I hadn't cut in ages and the curiosity as to how it would feel, and knowing it would probably feel absolutely amazing, almost like that first time. And I have unfortunately given in, I can get thorugh a lot of shit. But this year I am just high strung and I already feel like a failure all the time, so when something does happen that I just can't deal with or do anything about I do cut. But that rarely happens now. But the scars are there to remind me that I did succumb.

I freaking do love that guy though he was my best friend. He has done so much for me, that it's freaking insane. He may not know it, and he probably never will because he doesn't read this blog any more, but he was one of teh best things to ever happen to me. And it really does kill me that we used to be so close and now we aren't and some how can't go back to how it used to be. What a typical story, but I am so glad I know him, even though we really don't talk anymore, because he's moved on to bigger and better things. He claims that I can easily join him, but we both know that it's not the same at all.

Our history does make it impossible for us to not care about each other though. Like as I write this and I should be doiong my online english class that now ends in 5 days, I really wish I could talk to him. But I know perfectly well that I can't because the conversation we will have will be too much work for me right now and I need to concentrate.

It really sucks that we can't have a care free conversation liek the old days. Life suck, ya know?