?

This was originally going to be a gURL response, but it grew into something totally different, so if some things differ from what I've said in the past it's because it's mostly censored, and it's 1:30 a.m. and I'm so stressed my hair hassn't stopped falling out at a rapid pace in at least 3 weeks. It's a miracle I'm not bald yet, ANYWAYS, here's the post. And I swear I have written actual blogs, I just don't find them that meaningful XD






I started cutting when I was 14 I think, when I was in an incredibly bad place in my life. It was in the midst of my severe depression, everyday was so hard to live. I basically hated everything about myself, inside and out. I felt so alone. It was the summer and I was basically trapped in my house because I wasn't allowed to have anyone over during the day(my dad worked in the morning so he had to sleep all day) and I couldn't go anywhere because I never had permission to. So none of my friends even attempted to invite me any where anymore. In the midst of us starting high school soon they seemed to forget about me. I had just realized what the meaning of death really meant and the death of my grandfather, who I loved so much, that died when I was like 8 finally hit me. And basically everything that I have ever done wrong or that could possibly have been my fault, I felt was my fault and I felt guilty about the stupidest things. None of the above of course was helping my severe depression. So I started high school with a self injury problem and what could have been considered an eating disorder.

One day at practice I had fresh cuts on my leg that I didn't really have time to tend to correctly the night before, I felt something trickling down my leg, I of course assumed it was sweat, because I wasn't paranoid about that type of thing any more. So when we had a water break my (now) best friend walked over to me, looked me in the eye and reached down with a slight bend and lifted my shorts slightly and looked then put it down slowly and looked at me again, (of course to me it all happened in slow motion, out of pure fear of not knowing what he would say or do, let alone I liked him at the time) I didn't realize until later that I was holding my breath the entire time, and he told me to stop and then he walked away. I, stood there for another second and a half and then reached down to wipe away what I didn't know was there. I had another 2 hours of practice to think about what the hell had just happened. I didn't know how to react really. Earlier in the week (I think) my best friend at the time, and the only one that knew about my cutting at the time, had a huge fight. She was pissed about me being super depressed and pathetic about losing I think my razor, idk. But she was sick of it, and she told me something very impactful, of course I can't for the life of me rememebr what she told me that day, but the point is that she pretty much sent me to think. And then what happened in practice, I didn't know what to do really.

I knew I was sick and tired of having the compulsion to cut everyday to feel better about my down falls and that stupid voice in my head telling me I sucked. I knew what I was doing was wrong, I just had no idea as to what to do. So I told myself I needed to stop and I could only do what I knew what to do. So I stopped cold turkey. I didn't throw my razor away, that would have really been to much too soon. So I had it with me everyday at school in my pocket or in my back pack just to know that I could cut if I wanted to. But I would just think about my new life and what I would gain from cutting. I threw away cutting from being my devils advocate and only friend, to walking away from it and pushing it away when it wanted to come back. I didn't make it out scotch free. I did cut often, but it went from multiple times a day, to once a day, to once every few days, to once every week, to once every couple of weeks, and then months went by.

I really just had to believe things would get better I had to have faith that life wouldn't suck that much forever and my depression would go away one day. And trust me, I am a person that has the worst time having faith in anything or any one. I had to believe though. And sure enough I have had so many friends that I have loved very much. I have had my ups and downs of course, but my Mt. Everest was my best friend and I stopped talking to each other after a major fight and we just stopped. It was literally the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. The worst thing I have gone through, it really did feel like my heart was ripped out and just being stabbed repeatedly every time I saw him and every time I thought him or what ever. But I went through those 2-3 moths of hell with out one cut. That was my mile stone. I had finally learned how to deal with my issues, more or less, with out relying on my razor to help me escape.

The temptation always is there. Especially when I hadn't cut in ages and the curiosity as to how it would feel, and knowing it would probably feel absolutely amazing, almost like that first time. And I have unfortunately given in, I can get thorugh a lot of shit. But this year I am just high strung and I already feel like a failure all the time, so when something does happen that I just can't deal with or do anything about I do cut. But that rarely happens now. But the scars are there to remind me that I did succumb.

I freaking do love that guy though he was my best friend. He has done so much for me, that it's freaking insane. He may not know it, and he probably never will because he doesn't read this blog any more, but he was one of teh best things to ever happen to me. And it really does kill me that we used to be so close and now we aren't and some how can't go back to how it used to be. What a typical story, but I am so glad I know him, even though we really don't talk anymore, because he's moved on to bigger and better things. He claims that I can easily join him, but we both know that it's not the same at all.

Our history does make it impossible for us to not care about each other though. Like as I write this and I should be doiong my online english class that now ends in 5 days, I really wish I could talk to him. But I know perfectly well that I can't because the conversation we will have will be too much work for me right now and I need to concentrate.

It really sucks that we can't have a care free conversation liek the old days. Life suck, ya know?