Last one I promise!

I shall bother you guys once more today!

I remembered the reason I was going to post a few days ago while thinking about somethings.

I've been relatively emotionally unstable the past week or so. Why?

Well a friend I used to hold dear just started acting like she could tolerate me but she would rather not talk to me or be around me. Why?

I'd like to know that too. The first few days I didn't know what was up, granted I still don't, but I just grew more and more analytical.

I thought of everything I could have possibly done wrong, and I realized that I just suck.

Now, I probably don't and these are things people normally do, but I easily exaggerate anything bad or slightly unacceptable I do into the worst crime known to man.

Then I did what I convinced myself I wouldn't do anymore. I thought to myself that she doesn't need someone like me in her life, she is way better off with out me and if that tears me up on the inside so be it.

I ALWAYS do so. I did it the moment after I realized he wasn't talking to me.

In my mind I'm not worthy of anyone and I'm lucky to get who I get.

I know it shouldn't be that way.

I went through a whole day berating myself. I was on the brink of tears until I got so pissed off for no reason. Pissed off at myself, pissed off at her, pissed off at the world, I guess, but I was so angry. Then band kind of simmered me off, but considering she sits in front of me and I rely on her to tune my notes, it wasn't easy cooling my guns.

I was a big ball of emotions. I distracted myself by talking nonsense pretty much because it was either bawl my eyes out or punch a bitch.

I'm still pissed because as she knew she was one of teh only people I could talk to. I mean I kept a lot of things from her. I never told her I had had sex, I didn't tell her I had/have a crush on her so called best friend, I never told her she would be so much better if she just didn't worry, I never told her that her anger was a thing she needed to channel. I never said a lot of things. Because they are negative things.

I can think of a few reasons why she would be mad at me, but I don't think it would throw her over the edge.

I don't know and it pisses me off.

What ever. I'm trying really hard to just let go.

My next topic, after watch Imagine Me and You and doing that mad libs thing, I wondered, "Do people look for true love when they are looking for a best friend and a lover?"

I never really thought about it. I have not subconsciencly looked for someone because I want to be with them for ever, they were almost over pure lust and not wanting to be alone.

I still would rather not be alone, but that's besides the point. I really have never looked for someone I would want to spend the rest of my life with.

I asked myself, "Do others look for their life long partner when they date? Or are they just desperately looking for someone to be with so they are not alone?"

I don't know the answer to that, but i know I never did until now.

Maybe it's because I'm nearing my 18th birthday, maybe it's because I'm about to go out into the world alone and look for my soul mate. I don't know.

I'm thinking long term about a lot of things and it really is scaring the shit out of me. Harry Potter ending hits at home. Because it is ending as my adolescence is there will be no more Harry Potter once I start my life as an adult.

I'm so fucking scared. I thought I'd be counting the last seconds before I finally had the opportunity to leave.

Every time I reminisce with someone, I think. Would you still act like this if yu knew I was gay?

Everyone talks about our reunion in a decade and I don't know. What will they do when and if I show up with a woman by my side.

What will my students think when they see the tattoo that will be on my back and on my foot and possibly my arm. What will my employers think about it? What will they think about my sexuality. My partners? Will my student's parents accept it?

What will the world be like? Will there even be jobs for teachers? Music educators?

What will my teachers now think about me in a few years?

I will be at TMEA I will see Vince, Taylor, Mr. Bendorf, Mr. Hoskins, Mrs. Benitez, Mr. Collazo, Mr. Eck, and Mr. Goforth there. What will they think about my teaching? My school?

Will I be up to par?

Will I fuck something up?

Will I be able to teach?

Will they like me?

Can I teach them?

Or will I fuck someone up?

Will I go to the school I want?

Will my playing be up to par?

Will I be able to learn?

I'm so scared.

These questions go through my mind all day, everyday.

I've been told I'm a good teacher and I would be great at it. But I don't know. I'm not sure if I can do it.

I can shape into the things I need to be a good teacher, I'm a laid back person but i can work on my weak attributes.

I don't know.

I really try to be insanely confident, but it's so hard will all these questions and doubt floating around in my mind.