OMG

I am a horrible person!!! I forgot Friday was Day of Silence.

FFFFUUUUUUU

I can’t believe I forgot.

My mind was on other things and I was trying to avoid Facebook like the plague.

On Thursday I was a bit more talkative than usual because I wanted to not think about death and such.

Sometimes, no. I always wish I weren’t such a naturally depressed person.

I wish that when something bad happened I wouldn’t instantly do everything to feel sad. Because it’s the only emotion I can do well, it’s the one thing that makes me feel.

Happiness is great and all, but I don’t feel it. It' doesn’t soak through my being and stay there from sun up to sun down for months.

Depression does, being so unbelievably sad does. It will stick to you like a tick. I know it will always be there, it’s a sick and twisted blanket.

So, whenever I know something has the potential to bring me down I have to fight through my instincts to go with it and throw things on top of it that will make me sink faster and lower. It’s something I always have to do.

When I found out that I knew Cory I tried to figure out why he would do it. And I thought about my own struggle with depression and when I was contemplating suicide on a daily basis and how I had no one to talk to and if I had killed myself no one would have known why. I wouldn’t know why either, it would have been because life looked like it would never get better.

I makes me insanely sad that he felt that way. I hate that anyone ever feels that way,, the way I’ve felt, worse than I’ve ever felt. Wanting to die because you have no hope if the worst feeling in the world. It hurts me personally to know I don’t know how to help anyone feeling that way.

Depression is just a horrible feeling and that’s why so many hurt so much when people make fun of them, or when they themselves make fun of it because understanding it is just close to impossible. You can half  imagine the internal pain.

Now, add depression to people not understanding you?

Yeah, it just sucks.

May you lay in rest Cory.