Nevermore

I can't decide whether I want a relationship or not right now. I mean, I guess that's easy to think of when there are .0000000000000000000000000000001 chances that I'm going to find someone to be in a relationship in this ridiculously small town. It's so dumb I can barely handle it. However, I can't help but imagine what I would be like in a relationship. What it would be like. Considering the last boyfriend relationship I had was completely fuck and when I was fucking young. Have my 5 years helped me grow to the better or the worse, because I've had some fucked relationships with other individuals since then. I mean damn. I guess we won't find out until I finally fall for someone. And have them fall for me. In other words... never.

Karma is AWESOME. So I apologized for being a dick to this person yesterday. Then later that same day, I found $20 on the floors outside my friends dorm building. If there is a god, he gives me monetary gifts when I man up and apologize to a guy I was being a bitch to. I found $20 dollars and I really needed it. :D

Dear everyone I know. Stop being idiots and realize I'm gay. Please and thank you. I am slightly terrified though. I'm terrified of how my only friends here will take it. I only care about like 5-6 people knowing. Tara, Katie, Julianne, Emma, Olivia, and someone who I can't think of. And it would be slightly devastating if they were homophobes. Ah, fears of officially coming out.

Life and apologies

I can put ANYTHING out of my mind. I willi gnore something to the max. If I don't want to deal with it. I won't. I should deal with something. I need to for my sanity really. I haven't ever felt guilty about a friend. For my family, yeah all the time. I always feel guilty about things, that's my daily life. But never my friends. I'm always pissed because whatever happens is always because of someone else or a mutual event. For the first time in life I just really fucked something up. With a friend. Just pure shit. I know he's not reading this. I'm pretty sure he just wants to forget me. I feel bad, extremely guilty. Like man. Why, you may ask? Well, I completely ignored this guy. We were good friends for a while. He got me through a bunch of shit, but not really I guess. He talked and I listened but I talked to others about it. He attempted to understand, but his past was different from mine. We had 2 different forms of thinking, and yeah. I'm not saying it was a terrible friendship, it was terrible timing. I got to college TERRIFIED. I thought I was going to become who I wanted to be, but who was I? I was fake. I didn't know. I acted how I thought I should act. It was dreadful, I was terrified of my sexuality, what other thoughts. Insecurities surrounded my life. This is all over the place. My brain has been all over the place since break. Right now, all I know is that I am gay as gay can be, except for just MINOR instances, I'm totally okay with myself. I am myself, I love myself and I'm comfortable with myself. That's a first in ALL instances. I am living life for me now. And it's so fucking liberating. I am acting like myself, which is a bit rude, upfront, no real sugarcoating, and a slight bitch. I'm fun. I forgot that! I like to make jokes, say stupid things, make people laugh, I do random things, I like to run and jump and be jovial. I get pissed, I like to love and enjoy. I like to look at girls in a non obvious way. I can check them out. I like to people watch. I like talking to my friends. I like to be out of my room and outside in the world instead of in a car or a room. All of these things I forgot. I don't need to please people. They just need to accept me for me. I'm done being a fake idiot. I'm me. Love me or hate me. And as for the guy. He was caught in a bad time. I'm sorry. I apologize for being an ass and ignoring you. You're a great friend, but I didn't see you as more. I feel that you did and I tried to appease that but I couldn't. I apologize. I tried to act like more and I couldn't make myself. I talked a big game but I couldn't play. I felt awkward at a point in our friendship. That point where you had to be friendzoned because I'm a lesbian in and out. I find no joy in cock or the male. And I could have done it and betrayed myself. I apologize. I still am your friend though you may not be mine. I'll be here if you need me. I can still teach you everything I promised you. For the most part. I can teach you the right way to fuck and the way to make a girl feel like the most amazing thing on the earth. Some one might as well be able to do it. I'm not getting anyone soon, and you live in a society where 95% of the girl population is straight. I can do it. You put your stance up. You said good-bye, but I'm not gone. I'm here, and not going anywhere. Again, I'm sorry I couldn't do more for you. And I can never see more than a friend. I'll talk to you later, when you decide to stop being pissed at my actions, or lack there of.

Now that all of that is over, let's get back to the regularly scheduled program. Okay, I really have nothing to say. Generally my entire break has been a break. I have done nothing but softcore game, play piano, watch T.V. watch D.E.B.S, and slowly grow my list of women I would fuck or speak to in a heartbeat, and youtube. So... I will spam you with a picture timeline!

That time I...

So, there was this one time I didn't give a fuck! Okay, so everyone who reads this blog(except you random people who pop on here for a second while on random, if that is you, Hey! I swear I'm not as psychotic as these posts make me sound!) I speak to, or have spoken to and are or have been friends. I recognized this when I gave people the link and after I wrote that post fucking months ago about it. So I'm going to reiterate somethings that were said so many posts ago. When you read this blog, you are doing it at your own risk. I write shit about everything and everyone. Because I hate to tell other people about it or 'vent' about it in person because I can get extremely pissed and very angry rapidly. So I chose to keep that burden on my soul and this blog or tumblr. Places where most people don't see. This blog is and will always be about how I feel and what I am thinking with out any cushions. I am not going to sugar coat anything for anyone, because I'm not forcing you to listen to me. I am and will be a bitch on here. It is one of my many character flaws that isn't very prominent in real life or via text or IM, because I know how to not be a bitch. But it is encoded in me and there is only so much I can hide. All in all, this is my blog and I am going to say it how it is to the nitty gritty. If you don't want the truth you can just go up to the upper left or right corner of the screen and push the X or red button. Because yup. I don't give a fuck about what one might think. If you want happy topical shit, it might happen one day but not on this page, ever. Unless I feel like it. You know the rules of tumblr? The unspoken ones floating around on a post somewhere? Yeah, that pretty much applies to this blog to. Thank you for your time. And remember, if you don't like it you can't GTFO or stop reading. Simple as that.

Late night/ early morning

I have to say I done did fucked up. Now, not in a very big way, in some one's world yes. Not really in a way towards me. I mean well, okay. So, we all know I have been sort of really questioning myself. Both in a sexuality aspect and just a manner of who the hell am I. In my time of speculation and pretty much meltdown, I began speaking to someone. Now, I don't actually remember how, it was awhile ago. And it just developed into a friendship and a good friendship to a best friend. Not to belittle the relationship because it was a great friendship, but this friendship moved so quickly because it was at a time when I hated myself, everyone, and I had just pretty much yelled my forever best friend out of my life. On a side note, I say forever best friend because best friend some how doesn't do justice to the relationship. We don't really ever stop being friends even when we stop. We aren't extremely close, but some how we are. It's a weird thing, but he's a friend for life even if we don't see or talk to each other, we some how always are. Okay, back on topic. So this is what happened. I was still really unsure about being a pretty much full on lesbian. I really was having trouble dealing. Just due to my past and all this denying I did when I was young. Now. I've been gay. My entire life. I have only truly ever liked one guy, but he shouldn't count because that relationship is weird and not normal in my mind. When I look back I've only ever liked girls and found them attractive. I did find males attractive but I wanted to get to know girls and know more. You know, the way you like guys when a girl is straight. I am pretty much a lesbian but I'm not closed off to maybe liking a guy. Okay, so. In my time of trouble I pretty much did two things. One, I latched on to someone and devoted a lot of my time to said someone. Two, I tried to use him sub-consciencly to prove to myself that I still liked guys and that he was a perfect guy to do it with. He would be great for me and such and I was drowning in my I can't accept that I can only like girls, like it was wrong. Which it's not and I have never thought that about anyone but myself due to my own insecurities. So. I started out my dating life flirting shamelessly and leading guys on, and apparently a girl, The girl COMPLETELY unintentional that was weird, though I wish I had just... taken the lead and had accepted my feeling earlier. I warmed up later, however it was too late. I lead her on and left her there. So, that's what I know, unfortunately, because I know it works. I know I used to be able to be a great sexter and getting guys all hot and other things I'm not 100% proud of. only maybe like 5% proud of, because it was pretty epic. So, I did that. I wanted to feel something. I didn't. I know he did. Pretty much the entire time. Except maybe for like the very beginning stages of the friendship. I really tried and he was a perfect candidate. But, nothing I felt nothing. And now I feel kinda awkward. Because I honestly lead him on. And I told him. But my words did not match my actions(in words, if that makes any sense). So, I pretty much don't know what to do. I kinda completely regret my actions from the past 2 or 3 months. I mean, it did me really well. I have for sure shut up all my doubts and I know that I'm gay. I like girls. No, I love girls [insert Emily speech to JJ in JJ's episode on skins 3rd series UK]. I am completely weird right now. I don't know why. Well I do. I've been feeling this awkwardness and now I dunno what to do with myself or with this situation. I know who I am, I don't know how to approach it. But I know what I like for sure. The situation I created is slightly messy however. Because I am completely over the situation and the other is not. I know that. And I am having trouble trying to figure out where this person lies in my life now. I am a terrible person. I honestly feel like I'm breaking up with someone. I wish there could just be a stasis of time where I can just figure things out and not do this ignoring thing. Because he obviously knows. Man. Seriously. Also, I'm slightly disappointed with who he is, I thought I knew but as time moves on, things just bother me more and more. This is really lame. On a side note, I'm staying up all day tonight(morning)So I can fix my fucked up sleeping schedule. I woke up around 4p.m. and it is now 5:30a.m. I am planning to fall asleep around 9p.m. or 10p.m. and be done. Hopefully it'll fix it. I'm dreading having my mother walk in my room and yell at me to fall asleep. I am a coward pretty much.