Life and apologies

I can put ANYTHING out of my mind. I willi gnore something to the max. If I don't want to deal with it. I won't. I should deal with something. I need to for my sanity really. I haven't ever felt guilty about a friend. For my family, yeah all the time. I always feel guilty about things, that's my daily life. But never my friends. I'm always pissed because whatever happens is always because of someone else or a mutual event. For the first time in life I just really fucked something up. With a friend. Just pure shit. I know he's not reading this. I'm pretty sure he just wants to forget me. I feel bad, extremely guilty. Like man. Why, you may ask? Well, I completely ignored this guy. We were good friends for a while. He got me through a bunch of shit, but not really I guess. He talked and I listened but I talked to others about it. He attempted to understand, but his past was different from mine. We had 2 different forms of thinking, and yeah. I'm not saying it was a terrible friendship, it was terrible timing. I got to college TERRIFIED. I thought I was going to become who I wanted to be, but who was I? I was fake. I didn't know. I acted how I thought I should act. It was dreadful, I was terrified of my sexuality, what other thoughts. Insecurities surrounded my life. This is all over the place. My brain has been all over the place since break. Right now, all I know is that I am gay as gay can be, except for just MINOR instances, I'm totally okay with myself. I am myself, I love myself and I'm comfortable with myself. That's a first in ALL instances. I am living life for me now. And it's so fucking liberating. I am acting like myself, which is a bit rude, upfront, no real sugarcoating, and a slight bitch. I'm fun. I forgot that! I like to make jokes, say stupid things, make people laugh, I do random things, I like to run and jump and be jovial. I get pissed, I like to love and enjoy. I like to look at girls in a non obvious way. I can check them out. I like to people watch. I like talking to my friends. I like to be out of my room and outside in the world instead of in a car or a room. All of these things I forgot. I don't need to please people. They just need to accept me for me. I'm done being a fake idiot. I'm me. Love me or hate me. And as for the guy. He was caught in a bad time. I'm sorry. I apologize for being an ass and ignoring you. You're a great friend, but I didn't see you as more. I feel that you did and I tried to appease that but I couldn't. I apologize. I tried to act like more and I couldn't make myself. I talked a big game but I couldn't play. I felt awkward at a point in our friendship. That point where you had to be friendzoned because I'm a lesbian in and out. I find no joy in cock or the male. And I could have done it and betrayed myself. I apologize. I still am your friend though you may not be mine. I'll be here if you need me. I can still teach you everything I promised you. For the most part. I can teach you the right way to fuck and the way to make a girl feel like the most amazing thing on the earth. Some one might as well be able to do it. I'm not getting anyone soon, and you live in a society where 95% of the girl population is straight. I can do it. You put your stance up. You said good-bye, but I'm not gone. I'm here, and not going anywhere. Again, I'm sorry I couldn't do more for you. And I can never see more than a friend. I'll talk to you later, when you decide to stop being pissed at my actions, or lack there of.