Stupid

Okay, nothing has really happened. This week, I've been teaching this fish how to march all week, she's doing really good actually. But, that's been about it.
Oh! I took the AP English test. Was pretty easy, I was totally about to have a killing spree, the person sitting behind me would NOT stop shaking my desk. I didn't start until 7 minutes in, because I could think of something to do that would make her stop. I'm sure the proctor thought I was having an anxiety attack or something. I was really getting pissed off. And she kept doing it through out the test and I almost turned around and killed her. No lie.

So the one odd thing that has happened, that will lead into a new story, is that this kid, let's call him Am. He was my third(?) boyfriend, and last. Yeah. And, yeah, he started talking to me this weekend. And no I do not like him anymore he's changed since the time I liked him. But ANYWAYS. Yeah really weird. Now to elaborate on that in the next paragraph.

Okay, so yeah. I really did like him back then (unlike some of my other relationships) and I thought he was cute, I couldn't help it! He was white, blond, a rocker, he had that troubled soul thing going on, and had the most gorgeous eyes. Okay, but that was BACK THEN, now he's changed mentally and physically. Not that it really matters, but I mean, that was the hook. But yeah, what ever, ANYWAYS... Yeah, he's been texting me. And yeah, now he wants to talk on the phone. I don't. One, I suck at carrying a conversation on the phone. Two, because okay, he probably is a great person, and he has changed blah blah blah, I've gotten over it, but my heart soul whatever is still angry at the thought of even TALKING about him. I don't even know how I can text him. I don;t hate him or anything, but I mean, just the untimeliness of the break up, and the MANNER of the break up, I just can't be 100% happy. And then anger in relationships makes me angry at Thorium, because of how fucked up that whole situation became. I don't know there's a reason I don't care much for my appearance now.

So yeah, talking about untimeliness, I was reading something on the recovery board yesterday and well, frankly it was about suicide, and how the person was stuck on that idea, and well, that just got me to thinking about those days in my life when I was 100% sure things would be WAY better if I were dead (back when I believed in a God) So yeah, my thoughts on suicide. Immensely stupid. Things will be better, things can get better, and things can only get better. I mean you should fight for your right for life. Things can REALLY suck for you, you can always go away in hopes of finding a better life, I'm sure that's exactly what I would do. I have always had this plan of stowing away on a boat in the port we have here and jump boats until I find one going to Spain or England or Germany (even though communication will SUCK) and starting a new life there (preferably England, school would be SO much easier), I'd have to creat a whole new identity and that would be exciting, but I couldn't do that to my parents, they haven'nt done anything to me. I am very angry at my father for never being there in my life, and I just can't stand he tries now IT'S TOO LATE DAD I'm sorry, but I can't bring myself to think of him in any other way than being this man in and out of my life. When I think of a father figure, I think of someone who is there ready to listen, ready to help you with a school project. I can count the amount of time my father did that with me on my fingers. Ugh, anyways, suicide! (yes, I prefer that subject to my father)

Suicide should never be an option I understand why people do it. I'm positive I had a chemical imbalance in my brain so I was depressed, and I did almost kill myself, scary thought I know. I remember I was on the floor, I didn't even lock the door my parents, correction my MOTHER, never checked on me so I had nothing to worry about, I had the razor in my hand, my favorite one mind you, and i just stared at my wrists and then my arm and all I could think of is how I would make my parents lives so much easier and how I couldn't even how I could live life. And I just grazed it a little (I decided I hated cutting my wrists that same day too) and it barely scratched and then I decided that I couldn't do it. Days later, though, I started contemplating other ways to kill myself. I even found a 'fun' list someone made about different ways you could. But since I'm here now recollecting this, it's obvious I didn't kill myself. I didn't even attempt it, I did, however think about it a lot.

I'm happier now though! So no worries, I still have a horrible habit. Okay, I really have to get used saying it, but I think it's such an ugly word, it stands out to me when I read it or hear it. I guess it's an ugly act. Eh, Okay, let me have a stab at it. I am a cutter, and I still do cut every once in a while. Wow, that was the hardest thing I've had to write in a while. But yeah, um... I really have tried to quit, and I guess you could say I have. I just relapse a lot, and I just am not addicted to it like before, NOTHING like before. Ugh, okay. I just I don't know. I just had to write about it sometime and right now seemed like a good time. Um, so yeah, never cut, it's really a horrible thing, don't do it, there is another way, talk to someone, someone will love you and care about you. I'm a major hypocrite, but I know what cutting is, I know what you feel, I understand, just don't do it. Please?

How long do you guys think I could last with out talking to him on the phone. I don't hate him, I just really don't want to talk to him. It reminds me too much of when we were going out.


I WANT TO GO TO WARPED TOUR SOOOOOOO BAD!!! LIKE NO LIE! Just thought I should throw that in here at the end.