Fav Song? Fuck You :D

On Saturday I went a party at my not-so-much-an-uncle-anymore-because-his-bitch-ass-wife-is-an-idiot for their son, he is 25 and all, but he lives in Tuscon with his wife, who also came, it was a big deal when they come, so we always go. It was pretty okay. Nothing huge. It was like 7 hours of boredom, but it's okay. Not really, but there wasn't much I could do to change that. The thing that was a total downer was that, my religious-bitch-ass-aunt-that-is-separated-from-my-now-not-so-uncle is obsessed with trying to get me to get baptized. She suggested this last year when I was 16, now I'm hoping this ignoring of the subject will last until this time next year when I am going to my college (Hopefully not UT Austin, WAY too close to home). And as you guys know, I'm an Atheist but no one else in my family knows that I am. I am very respectful of their beliefs but I know they won't respect my beliefs. So I'd prefer to keep that under wraps.

Ugh, total downer on my night. I DID get to see and hold my baby nephew 9that I have no idea how he is my nephew but I don't know how family names work XD) HE IS SO EFFING ADORABLE! I swear! And he has the most beautiful warm gray eyes! He is so going to be a pretty boy!

Other than that life has been lax.

I have attempted to do nothing this week I have off, mostly because I was pissed no one told me about New York so I didn't get the chance to go. I am STILL pissed. I want to go kill someone. Seriously, super pissed.

I have done pretty much nothing. I'm pissed at a few people too. But I won't mention who they are, I am just pissed and frustrated.

So college is coming! And I've narrowed it down to 3 colleges (the list is bound to grow though). SUNY: Albany, Temple, and UT Austin.

I am excited! AH! I am going to take German, and double major and then go to Germany for a year to study abroad it is going to be AWESOME!!! BEYOND AWESOME!!! I'm excited!

So yeah, I'm really over high school. I am ready to finish and get accepted to somewhere far off away from most of the people I know. I just want to be away. I just want to learn and start my new life with people I don't even know yet!

Oooo, TMZ just started the Team Angelina; Team Jennifer fight! lol

Team Angelina XD

So I'm done, I'm bored. lol

Talk to you guys later

;)

Oh! Something I forgot to add on the blah section of that last post(which I realize I could just edit it, but, I'm choosing not to ;P

Yeah, now that I analyze my life, I'm pretty sure my depression is getting worse rather than better, so yeah. I'm going to try and make it this next year in high school and then when I attend uni O am going to go talk to someone, or at leats after AP tests(I will officially be 18 so I'm going to see what the confidentiality is for that) but then I'd have to adjust doctors, hm... I think I am just going to wait until uni to go see a doctor or who ever I have to at that point, because honestly I thought I was getting better, but in all reality it's getting worse, just the way my mind is trying to deal with it is changing. so yeah! That's all I have to say about that :)

Last Night

So I have spent these past few days just going crazy on youtube, I have lite;drally spent forever on youtube! There is this site that is helping me out with an issue I'm having or coming back or whatever and I have this thing where I have to start something from the beginning to get the entire process or idea of the people I'm reading/watching about, and it's like, wow. Taking me a while, I'm not complaining, I would probably be done by now, but I've decided to branch off and watch teh personal videos about the people themselves, blah that makes liek no sense. Mostly because I'm watching a video now, well, listening to it or whatever, and this is just something I know a lot about, at least I hope I know a lot about what's going on. So yeah,that's what's up.

I am having a very weird time right now. I won't bore you with the details though, but if I seem a bit off, you know I'm just not exactly right, right now.

I just totally erased 1500ish songs from my music library! That's awesome! I finally did it! Yay! :D
Now I can put on shuffle and not hear something stupid yay! I only have 822 songs, give or take duplicates. You know what, that's what I'm doing right now, hold on! Well, you are reading you don't know that I'm off doing something else XD well still hold on! Down to 811 now! Yay revision!

But yeah, I also cut my haor again today XD I should really stop, but it did grow again! And it was annoyingly long. I don't like it long!

But yeah, pretty much all I have to say. I know! But I don't want to bother you guys with the other stuff, I have other mediums for that, so that's all I'm saying guys.

Ciao!

Lol, so my week has been a bit eventful. My research things went over well. Weird thing was that my Economics teacher walked over to me after I spoke and presented or whatever (I went over my time by almost 20 minutes) and told me I had a great presenting voice or whatever and asked me if I was in Drama or speech or any of that crap, and I said no and he was just like oh, you did great. It was weird especially sense my mom was sitting next to me and I was in the middle of making fun of one of my friends and he cam from behind me, CREEPY! The thing I loved about the entire thing was that this annoying ass girl sat next to me and it was hilarious, because she wants to be an 'actress' or some stupid shit like that and he did not say a WORD to her after she presented and she was just looking expectantly at him when he came over to me. It made my night! That and before I left at the end he came back and told me again he was proud of me, I was like... thank you? and he didn't say SHIT to her, I loved it. hahaha

If you knew this girl you would hate her too.

So yeah, oh and guys, if you ever talk to me in person or whatever, just know the one way to piss me off is to ask me "Are you okay?" constantly. I could just shoot myself in the head. I would want to shoot you slowly and painfully. You would wish you were dead :D

Honestly it's my least favorite thing ever. If you ask me, chances are that 50 people before you asked me that question. If you're going to ask something like that, rephrase it or reword it, because I will hate you if you ask me that. Especially if you know you are just doing it to know and not do me any good. Chances that I'm going to say "Oh yeah, I'm in a major fight with my best friend, we haven't talked in days and now he's sick and I can't do or ask anything because you jack asses won't ask him and if you do ask you'll say I asked, and I can't have that not to mention I've cut like 5 times in the past few days because my mind is so skewed and I'm probably going to fail all my classes because my mind and heart aren't in it and I'm almost 100% sure I'm severely depressed but the chances of me killing myself are slim." are less than 0.

So if you really want to know make sure you're ready to hear me out, if not you're just wasting both our times.

Btw, the above example was a mixture of several separate occasions when people have asked me the dreaded "Are you okay?" question.

I admit last school year was honestly one of my lowest but still, I had about 10 people ask me in a 2 hour range if I was 'okay'. I looked like shit and I looked depressed as hell, of course I was okay! ugh *rollseyes*

So just know that fact.

C&SI board has directed me to a youtube channel that will help me right now, because my mind has been in rough times. I mean right now my parents are pretty much poor, idk how we are going to make it this time. I dunno how my dad is going to be, it sounds like he isn't getting better, and here I have to start band soon as a leader and that's a major role. I know I can do it, but it makes me nervous, because my mind has it, it's my body that probably won't produce. My knees are really crap and I know the several factors that are making it this way. It's a very stressful thing. Idk my mind wants me to revert back to my old coping mechanism, and sometimes it seems like things would be so much easier if I just gave in and started it again. Idk, I just really idk right now.

We'll see how it works out. I think if I just keep myself busy all day I can avoid it and try to get through it when I don't have anything to do.

Yup!

You know why hetero sex is so lame? 8 times out of 10 the women never gets to orgasm, but the guy will be all pissy if he doesn't cum, but then he get's bitchy about a woman being all frustrated and bitchy because she didn't orgasm. And. With homo sex, the two people want to just pleasure each other and a re generally not greedy about when they orgasm. It's a more sensual thing, kind of like the 2 out 10 that the men pleasures the woman enough so they orgasm.

That has been Elidee's Public Service for the day :D

Space Invaders

So these past few days have been interesting to say the least, let's start with Tuesday. I took the car to school, as I usually would. Everything was cool, nothing terribly interesting happened, then I went to Walgreens and I bought myself some tampons from U(which is an awesome new thing) they were on sale 3 for 10 and I would get a free movie ticket that were on special XD, and then I called my mom to see if she wanted this sour cream that was on sale for a dollar. And she told me if I was going to go home soon, and I told her yeah. She told me okay, because we needed to go to the hospital because my dad was feeling really bad. So I basically rushed home trying to keep a level head while driving, so I get home and my dad could really stand up, his lower back was just in tremendous pain.

So we eat first and then I drive to the hospital (which was the most infuriating drive EVER)we get there and my mom is super anxious about my father and then we get to the E.R. which is FULL of people, literally full. I couldn't stand it. One, I HATE hospitals I can just feel the sickness's and illness's just surround me and suffocate me, I didn't touch a THING. I drove back home 2 hours later because I had a test to study for, which I passed! awesomeness! But my dad waited there, wait for it... FOURTEEN HOURS! It was ridiculous! I'm glad I decided to come home. I drove to the hospital and back.

My dads okay, he just had a dislocated disk (whatever that means) and if the meds don't do anything, he'll need surgery to fix it. I hate hospitals.

So I slept very badly that night, because my mother insisted on me locking the front door completely with the bolt and everything. So I had to force myself to sleep lightly which I can do, I just don't sleep well, for me sleeping lightly feels like sleeping on a hard surface for 30 minutes. The next day I was DEAD.

But Stat's was fun after the test, unfortunately I was the last one to finish it, and I'm almost 100% sure I got the lowest score. Calculus was just killer, it was a bunch of problems non of us had any idea of how to do them. Then I went home and I slept. I was exhausted.

Today was cool, nothing too exciting except it was my last day of classes! Only tomorrow is left, all my research class. and then the research project night when we present. I am just going to bs my way through it and change my topic for the millionth time because my 'mentor' is a douche and I hate him :D

So that was my second half of my week. It was eh.

Metal Slug

MY AIR IS FIXED! I know it's going to break again, because I am pretty sure the issue isn't the A/C unit itself, but more the entire A/C thing. I don't know anything about it, but it's not a coincidence.

Hm... so, what have I learned since the year began.

I have learned what it truly means to be broken again and having to piece together the already broken shards. I have learned what it's like to find a friend that actually helped save me from going down a very very bad path. I'm not sure I've ever said thank you. You know who you are if you are even going to read this. Thank you for helping and ultimately saving me from what could have easily been a downward spiral.

I've also learned how to move on and what an anti-productive relationship me and Thorium had. I've learned how hard it is to let go of a friend you really really cared and loved for so we could both move on. Hardest thing I've ever had to do. He was basically like a drug lol, he was just really great like, I know he can be a douche, but only a few people get to know a different side of him and I was privileged to even get a taste of that. But it was just bad for both of us. It was my choice, he gave me that choice,, and I chose to let the close relationship we had go. And no I don't mean relationship relationship, I mean a friendship relationship.

I haven't learned the meaning of love yet. I kind of hope to not to. Because yeah love and loss. What ever. You know what I mean.

I have learned what the meaning of friendship is and how great it is.

I've learned that I've pretty much have had no experience with my friends feelings. Pretty much because my past best friends have been really stupid emotionally. Yt pretty much doesn't know what emotion is let alone let anyone else know what she is feeling even back then, dare I say it's actually gotten worse as the years have gone by. Thorium was just a hurt puppy that bit anything that got near to what he was feeling.

I have learned about what kind of life I want to lead. I have learned what I want and I'm honestly not ready to leave what I've built here, but I am ready to start a new journey, building what I want and what I will accomplish. I may not be ready now, but hopefully in a year I am going to be able to leave keeping in contact with those who want to.

So I'm willing to grow this year. I am going to grow this year, I am going to learn things to become a better person, I'm not going to perfect my personality has it's flaws, no matter how much I hate it. So ear with me, I'm trying but there are parts of being social that I haven't experienced yet, so I'm a rookie and I want to learn, I will learn, but I can only learn by making mistakes.

I know a lot of things, I know how to do a lot of things categorized as bad, I know how to do a lot of things categorized as good, but right now my social skills lean more to knowing how to do bad things, I will make the good things go up. But there's only so much I can do in a short amount of time.

I have become more responsible and more willing to help others. I want to learn, I will learn as much as possible, but I'm anti-social, so being social will be a stretch for me, so once again bear with me.

So! That's that!

I'm so bored XD

There is nothing I can do! Other than this! And Stumble.

I should really evaluate my life, but I'm one of those people that thinks immensely about things that are important to other people. I want to say the perfect thing, which is not always the best thing, I also plan my conversations ahead, so I have an outline of what I will say.

Aha, I have a lot to think about.

Take Me Under

So my life since I've last posted. A few interesting things, not too bad.

Starting with this week, because last week was pretty lame.

Monday, was TORTURE! I was so happy to be privileged to learn from Mr. Ferrito, but I was tired, and it was boring. I learned a lot that I could have figured out, but he was there to make it clear. It was like a 7:30 a.m. - 4:00/30 thing with an hour for lunch, which we ate there. I skipped class that entire day :D I was FREE from San Jac

Tuesday, pretty much the same, I was super dead but I felt that grew so much, it felt like weeks I had learned all of that and gained all that wisdom and knowledge. I still can't believe it was only 6 days ago I learned all of the things I'm applying now, well minus one, but I'll explain that later this post.

Wednesday, Statistics! And I took the car all by myself! I was BEYOND excited! Then I left early to go to Band at 11:40, I was late, but I sped as much as I could with out getting caught! rofl! It was good! I was so nervous! It's crazy! Now, if you are band people in my section at my school reading this, you really shouldn't be, because yeah, you'll think less of me and my authority, you may not consciencly but, you wil sub-consciencely. So yeah, if I were you I wouldn't read anything band related from here on out, if not it will get A LOT harder on you when you have to run for me.

Thursday! I had to go pick up a friend in my section in Pine Trails, or otherwise known as Crime Tails, it went good, I WAS going to go to San Jac, but Nah, I would miss most of class anyways, it turns out the teacher wasn't there any ways so it was all good! So I picked her up no problem! Leaving CT was teh hard part XD I ran a stop sign I swear I didn't see until I couldn't stop anymore! It was a good thing no cars were near us! So, I got pulled over XD Like I said Crime Trails, so cops run that place, and I was let off with a warning Phew! I was the nicest most naive smart person I could manage, I did everything right! I was so HAPPY and nervous! lol. Then band! That went well, then I went home, no problem.

Friday, was nothing THAT special, I didn;t have the car, not because my mother knew about me getting stopped! Which she doesn't so shhhh.... but she had errands. Band was okay, a little down. What DID bother me was Florine! I swear that girl is going to get slapped! She is the worst leader right now. "Oh I don't have to look happy all the time, I can look gloomy (attitude attitude attitude) I'm not naturally happy person, sorry (attitude) I can't be happy all the time I'm tired, I'm always tired, blah blah blah" Include like 15 rolling of th eeyes in that one sentence and yeah. I was going to slap a hoe. I probably wouldn't mind it as much if she acted like a leader! We went through 16 hours learning how to be a leader, and she is not applying ANYTHING! I tell her how to do something, and we all agreed to accept everything the other says in front of the members, and what does Florine do when I suggest say, or tell her something, she ROLLS HER GOD DAMNED EYES! EVERY DAMNED TIME! This bitch is about to not be found. I'm trying to be happy. (Pretend I'm talking about Saturday) I tell her, I have had a shit day the day before and I have a million things to worry about, but I put the section and band before my issues because I want us to be great, but she says she can't always be happy. And anyone who knows Florine knows she can be a bitch and about every other sentence she'll get all offended and close up and get a tone in her voice that makes her herself think she has all the reason in the world. I swear chick is not going to make it because Thulium can't stand it either and she has issues right now too but she is putting the band before her problems because she loves the band too much. I don't understand why the Directors put Florine in charge, she is probably the least qualified to be a leader out of the 4 people who auditioned for it. Thulium was in Stu-co, I have helped people learn how to march and I have really learned how to apply the thing Ferrito told us in the past, Steph showed leaderhsip trying out for Drum Major and in class, Florine... I can't think of one thing, she hasn't done a damned thing. Okay, so that's my spiel. I'm always going to feel like that, I'll try not to step on her toes, but if she doesn't step up, I'll be happy to do it until she learns,

I dunno, it's a really hard ordeal. I honestly don't know what to do, but I have to figure it out soon.

On the bright side! I think all the fish like me! I have tried to be very nice to them, so they like and respect me because I care about them. I think it's going well. They also like Thulium! Florine, I'm not very sure, she's a very awkward person that doesn't do well with strange and unknown. Idk. Down side! The new used air conditioner is broken! And I once again don't have A/C, it sucks! But I have school all next week! Then one at home, I'm planning on going out often! lol. I want a vacation and some fun -.- I've done too much school to not have one.

Sometimes I wonder if I could just quit band and open up so much time for me to do other things! But then I remember that all my friends are in band, and their schedule would be my schedule, and the best way to develop my musical skills along with my theory skills is to be in band, and maybe marching band will bring my grades down by like 2 points, but my senior year grades don't matter to colleges anyways, my fate is sealed, and I can no longer effect anything. The only thing that matters to me now is passing my AP exams doing kick ass at region, pulling off my incredible solo, do am awesome ensemble and learn all that I can. I also want to get all 4 and a 5 on my Theory test, because if I get anything less I will be BEYOND pissed, like, I couldn't live with myself pissed. Heh, I guess that's how you know that's what I want to with my life. It would be exactly the same if I had room for Chemistry. Well there you go. I am 100% sure I want to be a composer for sure. I want to do things with music and expand my knowledge.

Wow. So yeah.

I kind of sort of got Technetium angry at me on Thursday or Wednesday, I'm not really sure what day. But it was basically because I was frustrated and she is quitting band, and you know I love band. And I was so happy I had saved 2 people from quitting band, her and some fish in my section, and I was like yes! I feel accomplished! And then she just up and quits, and it's like. What the heck, how can you just do that? How is it even possible for you to change your mind like that. I pretty much felt like a failure. Pretty much it was like I want everyone to stay in band and feel the love for it. And Technetium talked about all these things she was going going to accomplish this upcoming year in band and now she just threw it out the window. Idk, so I just threw it out there, that she took the easy way out because it is possible to be in band an get good grades I mean the Trumpet Section leader is in the top ten. not percent I mean he's actually in the top ten people in our grade. I mean it is possible if you want good grades, it is possible, and then it's not like grades really matter at all this year, other then for rank, they really don't matter. But what ever. I haven;t exactly apologized, mostly because I don't know what to apologize for. Should it be because I said things that are actually true? I guess I hit a nerve when I said, "good luck forgetting band" and then "you took the easy way out" I guess. I mean I understand why she would be angry, but ugh. Idk, I am the perfect person to avoid problems. I was determined to think about it today, but even when I took a shower I found things to distract me from what I should do.

I really want to actually think about it, but ugh, I really suck at apologizing. No lie, not as bad as Thorium, but I really suck at it. Especially when I'm not 100% percent. Idk. I have Calculus tomorrow, so I'll be distracted enough to think about it. Since I honestly hate math lol.

Today, the Air broke, I'm pretty sure it works to some extent, they just don't want to turn it on. So I am going to slowly die on the inside this month and possibly next month! Why? Because we are cheap? Nah, it's because we don't have any money to get a new one, they spent all of out savings and stuff on the new A/C and now that's broken, and my father isn't working next week apparently his area in the factory doesn't have any work this week. So no money going to come in. Pretty much we are living on the whim that we'll some how get some money. Let's see how that works out. Really sucks when you are pretty much poor in this country. Especially in a recession, when people really don't want to higher uneducated old mexicans. Ah, this sucks, lol.

That's my report an the week! I have other posts that I wrote on some word documents, but I'm to lazy to transfer them over here. So yup! Wish me luck! hahahaha

Epiphany, nah not really, a Discovery

AH HA! They did say the patients name in House genius! At the end to enhance the personalization! Spencer! I love the writers. They are AWESOME

Thanks for the Venom

Okay, so you guys know how I've been feeling nothing wrong?
Well, I used to just think nothing was wrong, well, I'm very sure I'm just numb now. I mean, I'm not really feeling anything. For example, you guys are going to think I'm like super heartless, but my research teacher was late(like always) and we came in and we were logging in and I was setting up everything on my comp that I would use/watch, and he is a really out there person, he teaches like every subject including psychology but never really reacts in any way. So he told us that he would be walking in and out often that day because a very close friend of his was murdered the day prior and that he was emotional. And like... when he told us, everyone was like aw. And I was just like okay, I didn't say anything, it was like said he got another chicken(he harvests chickens and their eggs). I didn't really feel anything, not any remorse or anything. It was a shock, I wasn't expecting it so I didn't guard myself. It was just so weird. I knew I wasn't going to feel remorse for the guy. And I'm not heartless I swear, I cry at least once during every single movie. Comedy to Action. I cry during t.v. and everything because I feel their pain.

But now it's like... I am very intolerant of people and I've been very pms-y but for like an entire month. I am really trying to feel that happiness, but it's like what's the point? I mean things were much more interesting and I felt more(well, near the middle and then it faded again) when I was cutting and such. I mean yeah, it was self injury and yeah it's bad and all that jazz, but ugh. It's just so annoying and frustrating to be numb not feel anything! I mean, you don't feel bad for anyone you don't feel anger. It's like your life is all in a monotone.

Honestly sometime I don't know why I just don't start again. I really don't see a point in not doing it, the only down side to me at this very point and time is that it leaves a scar. Other than that, I don't see why not! It would make me feel better, it would probably juggle me out of this numbness and ugh. I swear. Yeah it was a struggle and I was horribly depressed back then but wow.

I realize how crazy I'm sounding. Your thought process is running along the lines of injury=pain pain=bad person injuring=bad me wanting to injure=bad.

Seriously I am frustrated, and it would be SO easy to just start. I've held out since hm... since the me Thorium thing, but that was like one or four, nothing that bad! And it's been like that. I've never really counted how many days I've not cut. Since I never found significance since I would always relapse after like 5 hours when I first wanted to stop and it just progressed to like a day, but then I would cut again. It was a VERY lengthy process. I never saw the point. The only reason I stopped? My friends told me to. It was hurting them to see me hurt and I hated that. I always hate that.

When I live at my own house, I want to get a kitten and I want to keep it as an inside cat and take care of it until it dies or I die, which ever is first.

Random comment but I'm doing other things as I write this so eh.

How did this all come up? Well, other than the heartless reaction, I have been kicking my soccer ball around and I just like an hour ago that from yesterday and today my foot has a lot of cuts, they are like little pin-points. I really haven't noticed it, I didn't notice it happening, but it was just like a pain I pretty much ignored or embraced I'm not really sure which. And yeah, that triggered this entire thought process. I swear if people weren't so curious about every single injury people get I would probably do it.

Stupid lame. I know. The entire cutting things runs through my mind at least once a day, I just usually don't share.

I can't believe the fucking NERVE of my father! He hasn't even been awake an HOUR, but he still GRAHH!!! UGH!

So he and my mother dropped me off at san jac on Friday, at 7 and the building where my class was doesn't open until 7a.m. and I got there like 10 minutes early. And thing guy who we'll call Z was there, so I was able to escape the car. And I talked to him until the doors opened and I made the best of it, and the kid is hilarious. He's chubby but he's my friend and I don't really care. So right now, I'm having a good time talking to my mom and my dad, but my dad destroys the mood by asking me if that guy was my boyfriend. And I was like uh, no. And he said it vaguely, so it took me a while to remember who he was talking about. I instinctively said no, since I haven't had one for a while (not that he would know or care) so I was like no, and then I remembered and then I said no again. But he gave me this ugly look, like, don't lie to me and I was fucking appalled! I swear! He thinks Z is the only type of guy I could get. I swear to this non-existent God! I feel like getting a fucking boyfriend just to rub it in his god damned face! Oh no! Better yet! I'll bring home a fucking girl! Oh that would go over nicely! Stupid bastard I swear! Fuck man! I HATE him! I fucking ABHOR HIM! He is never fucking here and he brings this shit up! The fucking bastard!

I swear! I walked out of the kitchen, I told my mom I'll be back, and she's like, the foods ready! and I'm like I don't care later. In better words but in my head I was like WTF SHUT THE HELL UP GET ME AWAY FROM THAT FUCKING MAN BEFORE I THROW THAT FUCKING HOT SHIT IN HIS FUCKING FACE! So I had to calm down! And I wasn't even fucking feeling pissed! I SWEAR! See this type of thing makes me want to cut to feel something! I'm sucking pissed beyond belief and I can't even fucking feel it!

And now I don't remember my fucking Runescape account, the 2nd one I had already made. I haven't played in years, but I stopped because of the lame graphics! But now it's better, and now I have to fucking start ALL over again. Piss shit man.

You can tell I'm pissed off because I'm cursing like a fucking pissed off pirate.

Lol, I'm calmer now. I just added a chick who I met in SAT classes. I was actually very lame in that class. But I may be nicer XD because I know I didn't remember her name XD but I have her on Facebook now, and apparently she goes to my high school and is a upcoming Junior, and we have 29 mutual friends. I was shocked XD but I didn't want to go to class the last time, so I was very bleh, oh! not to mention coming off a sugar rush dude, it was like 2 skittles packages and 2 m&m's sugar rush was an understatement I had to eat my last pack of skittles because I was starting to crash FAST

Now I just cleared out my 1029 emails email! It's down to 6 now! rofl! That took forever.

Oh god I have 359 in my other one as Coco would say 'Why?!?!'

lol, I'm done

1812 Overture

Idk what I need. I feel like I’ve lost ALL of my inspiration. I have nothing edging me on. Everything is in balance, well, minus my room. Everything is calm. There is no disturbance at all. It’s not exciting at ALL. I mean I’m glad I have my will to live back again, but honestly, that’s all I have. I need to do something crazy. I need something crazy to happen I need to express a feeling I’m not capable of.
Last year I had this private lessons teacher (she sucked) we basically had no one. But she had me play this piece that was called Offertoire. It was a French love piece. It wasn’t amazing, it was mediocre at best, but I couldn’t get it’s essential essence. I mean. It was a LOVE song, at that time I could only crank out the hateful bitter dark angry essence out of pieces. And that point I had only played those types of pieces. She asked me if I had ever been in love, and at that time I was a sophomore, and I was like… I’m a teenager, I’m pretty sure I’m not capable of true love, but I left it at a simple no. And she didn’t know how to explain what I needed to get across in the piece. That’s the only thing I’ll ever remember from that teacher. I still can’t do it. But now it’s worse I can’t even get angry confused and bitter out anymore.
Do you know how frustrating to is to an artist? I don’t know what else to call myself! A performer, a composer, and artist! You know what it’s like to have absolutely NO emotion going through your works of art? Do you that feeling?! I ABHOR that feeling!!! I WANT MY MOJO BACK!!! WHERE THE FUCK DID IT GO?! I DON’T EVEN FUCKING FEEL THE ANGER IN WHAT I’M FUCKING WRITING! I’m SO frustrated I want to cry! I feel my creative mind so numbly. It’s so alone. There is nothing I can think of that can help me. It’s like writer’s block but worse, because I have ideas, I just don’t the emotion. Not even anger!

I WANT MY INSPIRATION BACK! I don’t know if this sounds whiny or not, but I assure you I am honestly frustrated!

Eh, in other news! Me and Thorium have begun talking again! Nothing as major as before, but hey! It’s a start! I’m satisfied and happy.
Oh! And yeah, all those gay bashing jokes and all that stuff people say in fun but don’t really mean it is actually starting to bother me! It’s like bashing Mexicans it pisses me off after a while, and it’s like omg. Lol I never thought it would bug me. Or! When someone says something insulting about gay rights, and I really just want to like yell at them or tell them they are idiots and if gays were SO horrible how have you been able to deal with me!

I’ve so lost my passion. I will get it back! I swear.


I wrote this forever ago, but my internet has been in and out, so I'm just posting it now.