Okay, so you guys know how I've been feeling nothing wrong?
Well, I used to just think nothing was wrong, well, I'm very sure I'm just numb now. I mean, I'm not really feeling anything. For example, you guys are going to think I'm like super heartless, but my research teacher was late(like always) and we came in and we were logging in and I was setting up everything on my comp that I would use/watch, and he is a really out there person, he teaches like every subject including psychology but never really reacts in any way. So he told us that he would be walking in and out often that day because a very close friend of his was murdered the day prior and that he was emotional. And like... when he told us, everyone was like aw. And I was just like okay, I didn't say anything, it was like said he got another chicken(he harvests chickens and their eggs). I didn't really feel anything, not any remorse or anything. It was a shock, I wasn't expecting it so I didn't guard myself. It was just so weird. I knew I wasn't going to feel remorse for the guy. And I'm not heartless I swear, I cry at least once during every single movie. Comedy to Action. I cry during t.v. and everything because I feel their pain.
But now it's like... I am very intolerant of people and I've been very pms-y but for like an entire month. I am really trying to feel that happiness, but it's like what's the point? I mean things were much more interesting and I felt more(well, near the middle and then it faded again) when I was cutting and such. I mean yeah, it was self injury and yeah it's bad and all that jazz, but ugh. It's just so annoying and frustrating to be numb not feel anything! I mean, you don't feel bad for anyone you don't feel anger. It's like your life is all in a monotone.
Honestly sometime I don't know why I just don't start again. I really don't see a point in not doing it, the only down side to me at this very point and time is that it leaves a scar. Other than that, I don't see why not! It would make me feel better, it would probably juggle me out of this numbness and ugh. I swear. Yeah it was a struggle and I was horribly depressed back then but wow.
I realize how crazy I'm sounding. Your thought process is running along the lines of injury=pain pain=bad person injuring=bad me wanting to injure=bad.
Seriously I am frustrated, and it would be SO easy to just start. I've held out since hm... since the me Thorium thing, but that was like one or four, nothing that bad! And it's been like that. I've never really counted how many days I've not cut. Since I never found significance since I would always relapse after like 5 hours when I first wanted to stop and it just progressed to like a day, but then I would cut again. It was a VERY lengthy process. I never saw the point. The only reason I stopped? My friends told me to. It was hurting them to see me hurt and I hated that. I always hate that.
When I live at my own house, I want to get a kitten and I want to keep it as an inside cat and take care of it until it dies or I die, which ever is first.
Random comment but I'm doing other things as I write this so eh.
How did this all come up? Well, other than the heartless reaction, I have been kicking my soccer ball around and I just like an hour ago that from yesterday and today my foot has a lot of cuts, they are like little pin-points. I really haven't noticed it, I didn't notice it happening, but it was just like a pain I pretty much ignored or embraced I'm not really sure which. And yeah, that triggered this entire thought process. I swear if people weren't so curious about every single injury people get I would probably do it.
Stupid lame. I know. The entire cutting things runs through my mind at least once a day, I just usually don't share.
I can't believe the fucking NERVE of my father! He hasn't even been awake an HOUR, but he still GRAHH!!! UGH!
So he and my mother dropped me off at san jac on Friday, at 7 and the building where my class was doesn't open until 7a.m. and I got there like 10 minutes early. And thing guy who we'll call Z was there, so I was able to escape the car. And I talked to him until the doors opened and I made the best of it, and the kid is hilarious. He's chubby but he's my friend and I don't really care. So right now, I'm having a good time talking to my mom and my dad, but my dad destroys the mood by asking me if that guy was my boyfriend. And I was like uh, no. And he said it vaguely, so it took me a while to remember who he was talking about. I instinctively said no, since I haven't had one for a while (not that he would know or care) so I was like no, and then I remembered and then I said no again. But he gave me this ugly look, like, don't lie to me and I was fucking appalled! I swear! He thinks Z is the only type of guy I could get. I swear to this non-existent God! I feel like getting a fucking boyfriend just to rub it in his god damned face! Oh no! Better yet! I'll bring home a fucking girl! Oh that would go over nicely! Stupid bastard I swear! Fuck man! I HATE him! I fucking ABHOR HIM! He is never fucking here and he brings this shit up! The fucking bastard!
I swear! I walked out of the kitchen, I told my mom I'll be back, and she's like, the foods ready! and I'm like I don't care later. In better words but in my head I was like WTF SHUT THE HELL UP GET ME AWAY FROM THAT FUCKING MAN BEFORE I THROW THAT FUCKING HOT SHIT IN HIS FUCKING FACE! So I had to calm down! And I wasn't even fucking feeling pissed! I SWEAR! See this type of thing makes me want to cut to feel something! I'm sucking pissed beyond belief and I can't even fucking feel it!
And now I don't remember my fucking Runescape account, the 2nd one I had already made. I haven't played in years, but I stopped because of the lame graphics! But now it's better, and now I have to fucking start ALL over again. Piss shit man.
You can tell I'm pissed off because I'm cursing like a fucking pissed off pirate.
Lol, I'm calmer now. I just added a chick who I met in SAT classes. I was actually very lame in that class. But I may be nicer XD because I know I didn't remember her name XD but I have her on Facebook now, and apparently she goes to my high school and is a upcoming Junior, and we have 29 mutual friends. I was shocked XD but I didn't want to go to class the last time, so I was very bleh, oh! not to mention coming off a sugar rush dude, it was like 2 skittles packages and 2 m&m's sugar rush was an understatement I had to eat my last pack of skittles because I was starting to crash FAST
Now I just cleared out my 1029 emails email! It's down to 6 now! rofl! That took forever.
Oh god I have 359 in my other one as Coco would say 'Why?!?!'
lol, I'm done
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