Idk what I need. I feel like I’ve lost ALL of my inspiration. I have nothing edging me on. Everything is in balance, well, minus my room. Everything is calm. There is no disturbance at all. It’s not exciting at ALL. I mean I’m glad I have my will to live back again, but honestly, that’s all I have. I need to do something crazy. I need something crazy to happen I need to express a feeling I’m not capable of.
Last year I had this private lessons teacher (she sucked) we basically had no one. But she had me play this piece that was called Offertoire. It was a French love piece. It wasn’t amazing, it was mediocre at best, but I couldn’t get it’s essential essence. I mean. It was a LOVE song, at that time I could only crank out the hateful bitter dark angry essence out of pieces. And that point I had only played those types of pieces. She asked me if I had ever been in love, and at that time I was a sophomore, and I was like… I’m a teenager, I’m pretty sure I’m not capable of true love, but I left it at a simple no. And she didn’t know how to explain what I needed to get across in the piece. That’s the only thing I’ll ever remember from that teacher. I still can’t do it. But now it’s worse I can’t even get angry confused and bitter out anymore.
Do you know how frustrating to is to an artist? I don’t know what else to call myself! A performer, a composer, and artist! You know what it’s like to have absolutely NO emotion going through your works of art? Do you that feeling?! I ABHOR that feeling!!! I WANT MY MOJO BACK!!! WHERE THE FUCK DID IT GO?! I DON’T EVEN FUCKING FEEL THE ANGER IN WHAT I’M FUCKING WRITING! I’m SO frustrated I want to cry! I feel my creative mind so numbly. It’s so alone. There is nothing I can think of that can help me. It’s like writer’s block but worse, because I have ideas, I just don’t the emotion. Not even anger!
I WANT MY INSPIRATION BACK! I don’t know if this sounds whiny or not, but I assure you I am honestly frustrated!
Eh, in other news! Me and Thorium have begun talking again! Nothing as major as before, but hey! It’s a start! I’m satisfied and happy.
Oh! And yeah, all those gay bashing jokes and all that stuff people say in fun but don’t really mean it is actually starting to bother me! It’s like bashing Mexicans it pisses me off after a while, and it’s like omg. Lol I never thought it would bug me. Or! When someone says something insulting about gay rights, and I really just want to like yell at them or tell them they are idiots and if gays were SO horrible how have you been able to deal with me!
I’ve so lost my passion. I will get it back! I swear.
I wrote this forever ago, but my internet has been in and out, so I'm just posting it now.
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