Before I start getting ready for this rave at 9:30p.m. I've decided. I'm just going to let it go. I will be her friend. And I leave it that. It's a drama I don't need right now. A relationship would be nice, yes. But I'd rather come out first. I want to inform people I'm gay. I'm thinking of cutting my hair short. I don't know how it'll look now. I'll give it a few days, but I want to cut it. Having it the way I have it now just provides me a nice lame pony tail. I want to do something fun. I'm going to buy a new straightener. Mine was lost with my luggage. It's lame, because I REALLY liked that straightener. I would buy shit for my hair and do shit with it. But yeah. I'm just going to let it go. I was thinking about it yesterday and this past week. I know this guy who likes her. And he is a good guy. Exactly what she needs. I don't mind just being her friend. Just knowing she's happy is enough in all honesty. I enjoy her company. After she starts going out with the guy, I'll tell her I'm gay. Oh, yeah she likes him too. I don't mind, I'm glad she found someone that she likes and that he likes her too. It's great for her. I'm happy. Really. It's no lie. I mean, I'm sure it'll sting a bit. But Robert is a sweet heart and Julianne needs that and I'm glad it'll happen, I will let it run it's course. If things don't happen for like another week or two, I'm interfering. Fo real. They would go well together. But yeah, I told her I liked someone. I have to think of someone I actually might like that is a girl. I mean, I think a lot of girls are hot, but no real crushes. Other than Julianne ya know. She honestly thought I liked Robert. I was like... nooooooo I do not like the same person as you TRUST me. She wouldn't I don't KNOW how else to gay up myself. In all honesty I am a very non feminine girl. I mean I can. And I will look good. But, I don't like dressing up every day. I'm a v-neck boxers and jeans type of girl. I would wear the easiest thing. A funny t-shirt. A button up if I owned any. I mean. I don't have a lot of clothes thank to being poor and all. It doesn't help that I go shopping with my mother, and she doesn't know, so I can't go to the guy section and buy guys clothes. Like fo real. Lol, I like saying that "Like fo real" Just saying Any ways yeah. I guess my gay doesn't radiate off of me or something. It's weird. I guess. Or maybe they don't want to jump and judge me. Idk. I need my face to clear up. Seriously, it's getting on my nerves. it just gets worse and worse. Fucking sucks. My complexion has never been perfect but it has never been this bad. Damned college. Anyways, I'm going to get ready for the rave YAY! Dancing on who ever I want.

On a side note

I'm bored at the moment and I haven't written in a while. So I just want to get all my current thoughts down so in the future I know what's happening. It's really weird and cool and not cool that no one here knows my secrets. No one here, except my roommate knows I used to cut. So did she, that's how she found out I told her. She knows I used to be severely depressed. So did she. She knows I smoke, so does she. I don't think I told her I've fucked someone before. Other than her. No one knows much about my personal life. They don't know I'm gay. At least not from me, I mean, seriously I looked WAY gay today. Black V neck, baggyish jeans and I was wearing girls boxers which are basically shorter boxers, and you could see the wide name brand strip like guys under wear has, whenever my shirt would raise because I was stretching. Like, for real. I look extremely gay a lot of the time. They don't know I don't mind smoking. They know I've drunk before. They don't know I've had sex before. And if they find out I've had sex before, they don't know that I have had sex multiple times before. They don't know I've cut. They don't know I've been depressed. They don't know about my idiotic past. They know all the good things like. I'm an idiot and a liberal person. They know I'm very, "just fuck it". They know I'm very optimistic. I look in the good of everything. They know I hate Tara, except Tara and a few others. They know I like to laugh. They know I am happy and I like the cold. Really just surface things. I have a feeling Katie and Julianne will be the first to ever learn about anything from my past. The complicated part of my past. If anyone. I mean eventually someone is going to know. Something will happen and I will need someone here. Like so far I've been able to control my extremely negative thoughts and steer myself away from wanting to cut myself. I've not mentally broken down, not have I yelled in anger at anyone. I have controlled my anger very well. So I've done pretty good. This whole, me having a crush on Julianne is cooling me off pretty well. Tomorrow which is technically today. There is this rave thing at a frat house. And it's supposed to be bad ass. And I'm taking Julianne and I'm really really REALLY going to restrain myself from dancing behind her in a way I would if I were dancing dancing with a girl. Not just the normal way you do with your friends that you don't want to be romantically involved with. So yeah, HUGE test there. Especially since I hear it's going to be packed. Like. I dunno what I shall do. Self control XD I don't know how that works with me around girls I like when I can actually make a move. Like Angeli, I couldn't I valued my position, my reputation, and our friendship too much. With Gil, I valued our friendship too much, I valued the fact that I didn't want to just fuck him and just be another person I've fucked and that he's fucked. No matter how much I've wanted to fuck him. The one guy that I could probably ever like that much. It was ridiculous. Julianne on teh other hand. Jesus. She's the first actual girl crush who can actually get to know me for me. These are my constant thoughts when I'm with her, and urges I have to do. I always want to wrap my arms around her and hug her from behind. I always want to b her body warmth. I always want to tell her she's gorgeous and that she doesn't have to worry about the world and that the world needs to worry about her. I want to run my hands down he sides and arms. I always want to run my hands through her hair. I always want to just protect her and make sure no one hurts her. I want to tell Aaron to fuck off and leave her be and that he hurt the person who has won over my affection and that he needs to stop being near her before I attempt to kick his ass and fail miserably(he's a black belt in like everything). I want to make sure that she's always okay and that if she needs something I can just hug her and make it go away. I just want to hold her really. Once I hit the wanting to always kiss her stage, that means I legit like her and that my liking her is going to really suck. Because, again I'm 80% sure she is straight. Darn emotions. I really am avoiding saying I really do like her, just because of that. If I say I like her then my emotions will run free.

My Comm 101 topic for my persuasive speech in a month or so? Basically it's saying be a rebel and don't be a push over. Obedience of Corpses or Blind obedience. That's teh fancy way My justification, it has to be a change of policy. My policy? Basic human policies that we learn. Rules of thumb. Our own mental policies. Which ever one of those sounds the best. It's going to be fun, because I go to school with a bunch of prudes. To structure our speech he wants us to ask our selves why until we get to a very basic issue. Tara is like "I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO THIS. WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?!" I'm just like. Don't do it. If you can't work it out that way, fuck it. No big deal, then she's like, "NO BUT I CAN'T WE HAVE TO DO IT THIS WAY!" I'm like, this is stupid shit. There's not need for this. I can speak and do fine, all the logistics can go suck a fat smelly donkey dick. And I told her, seriously if you don't need to do it, don't. But she doesn't learn. She follows orders. She would be the one who would have walked in formation and waited to get shot back in the old school wars. She would have been one of those dumb asses. So, she inspired me, along with my need to not do something easy or something normal. So this is my quota for not normal and epic. My last speech, the informative one? The actual speech itself got a 90, well it would have been a 90 if it weren't for the fact I hate citations. So I was like fuck it. But I almost COMPLETELY winged my speech. I looked for articles, saw what they were about. I got like a 70 on my outline. Because I think outlines are the stupidest shit in the world. Granted my thoughts would have been slightly more organized. But I was a pro. Now, my persuasive speech is going to be bad ass. Because I'm a pretty bad ass speaker. I can speak bull shit as fluently as spanish and english. It's my 3rd language basically. So if I actually PREPARE, my speech will be so bad ass that Tara will be like fuck. I'm not as great as I think I am. She really and honestly believes she's better than me. She studies. I don't. I don't particularly like it, and if it's not in my major, it can go suck it. And I would study for theory, if it weren't so easy for me. And if I weren't basically back in my 11th grade year Pre-AP theory class. And if my other classes weren't pointless. I'm a horrible student, but if I really ever wanted to, I can just go into major beast mode. And do bad ass. The thing that sucks however, is when I'm being graded. So this time I give a speech since it's such a rebellious topic I'm just not going to give a damn. Just like honey badger. Or Chris from Skins Gen. 1. I'll let you know what happens. Also, I practiced for a total of 5 hours on piano for my midterm and my abilities. Tara, practices at least an hour a day and like 3 hours the day before the midterm. I got a 91, Katie and Julianne both said I got a better grade than Tara. Tara gets better grades because she mechanically does everything, she doesn't try and learn. Sorry, I'm just talking about how I'm actually better than Tara. It just gets aggravating when you are hanging out with this bitch and have her in every class and she sees your grades and thinks you are an idiot. She also thinks everyone is an idiot., “Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.” She's the one that expects everyone to climb a tree. So, I'm going to LAUGH MY ASS OFF, when she's the one that climb the tree. Because maybe then she'll understand other people. Maybe I'm just a hippie or very liberal. But everyone is born with the same abilities, it's just a matter of who develops what and what they do. I dunno. I have a very open way of seeing things. I have my own personal beliefs, like everyone has their own story. You can judge someone, but you can't condemn them for it. Everyone should have a say, even if they are wrong. They need to speak so then they can have their ideas heard and rebutted. Or it's your body do as you please, it's your life love who ever. Do what makes you happy not what society says make you happy. Like, seriously? Just like a happy life. If you are super catholic or religious and your religion says you're going to hell for loving someone of a different gender, who gives a fuck? I'm going to live an unhappy sham of a life just to make my religion happy? To make them happy? Like what the fuck is that shit? We just need to accept each other and move on. Maybe someone is a bitch ass hoe, but just accept her for being a bitch ass hoe, and move on. There's no need to associate with them if they make you unhappy. Like, what is that shit? Okay, this some how turned into a rant. Just have to say, this is why my persuasive speech is going to be bad ass. Just saying. I may have not persuaded you with my pure words, but, hey. Wait until my intonation and pauses and physical cues are thrown in to something like the above. It'll be awesome. I was going to do something more about the world. But everyone else can do that. I just want to speak about our own personal restrictions. Just have to say, I'm not an anarchist. Just believe in not blind obedience and that if someone is violating my individual rights, they can go suck it. I basically wrote a rough draft of my speech in comm when the guy was telling us something about how to give the speech and how to make it persuasive. I actually tuned out almost completely when he started talking about something along the lines of Hank, the made up idiot who was on a motorcycle with out a helmet and crashed and died. It was so bull shit that I started to zone out and I thought about what I could do. So, I did it. And then he said something about topics. I thought about how Tara was using my last topic and the other things I could do would be too similar to her, and really, just being compared to her pisses me off. So I do things to start preventing that. So, then I told Tara to fuck the system of the Why, and she was like no. And it clicked. Obedience of Corpses. She was a perfect example she's a goody two shoes. I actually wasn't going to write this much, it was just going to be the first 2 lines and I was going to be done. So now I'm done! Have a nice night/day!

Will work for more Gay in my LIfe

Ah, blog. You are like my safe haven. Ugh. I need to gay up my life. Though I have to say, I can actually get close to Julianne and she doesn't move away. Breaking down personal bubbles FTW! I swear I don't know what to think. She's worn plaid. We hang out significantly longer and more often now. We are entering the stage where we can speak more freely and also. She does things because she knows it'll make me happy or because we spoke about it 2 or 3 days ago or even a week or two ago. So either, her gay is showing, or she is just turning into a good friend. It does NOT help that she is hung up on her first crush at this school. Like WTF? I dunno, I'll still have a crush on her and I'll keep trying, but having her as a good friend could work too. I mean, she's smart, fun to talk to, funny, fun, interesting, good company, active, and generally fun. LOL That reminds me, yesterday we were hanging out in Katie's room and we started talking about how people dance and grind. And if we look back to 2007-2008 school year, we know I was a horny bitch. So. Yes, I have grinded and I have danced in a dirty manner before. So they were like I've never grinded and blah blah. I was avoiding the topic like the plague, because my past, not so pretty. One day. And they were like have you? And after like a half a second pause I was like, we don't speak of those times XD Like, I keep saying things that insinuate that I have had sex before, I have drunk before, I have smoked before, and 'normal' stuff like that. And I keep mentally scolding myself, because I don't need them to know at this point of our friendship. So yeah... Also, I don't really think they know I'm gay. Once again, I don't act very straight. But yeah, I've noticed however, that recently I've felt more comfortable being the one who dances behind people, the 'male' role in dancing. And yeah... a bit weird and frustrating. I would love a gay club, or a place where I could just simply grind into some girls. Like fo real. If you want to know some weird shit that happens around where I go to college, Google: Exotic Animals escape Muskingum Some crazy shit, it's also my status on facebook if you have me there. But yes, I need to gay up my life. I've felt very productive lately. I'm very happy. I did well in my lesson. I am hanging out mainly with Julianne, and almost none at all with Tara. I've been practicing, doing all of my homework, I got a 91 ON MY PIANO MIDTERM FUCK YES! Katie is a close friend also. I feel like I'm making progress. I am ALMOST done with preparing for the Blood Drive my 3 person group is hosting for Make a Difference Day on Friday. Everyday this week there is something entertaining I'm going to with just Julianne or her and Katie. Not Tara :D My life is SO much better when Tara isn't in my life 24/7. She is just so fucking negative. This is how our auras interact. She has a black aura(not really but this is my analogy) and mine is white. When ever she is around it starts tainting and turning gray, and the longer I'm near her the darker the gray gets and if I'm around her for a long enough time period it starts turning black. And with julianne I associate her with red, so I don't mind it. And Katie is an orange, which I don't mind I like hanging with reds oranges, greens, browns, sometimes blues depends on what shade. I'm synesthetic, so I associate things with colors. Like numbers and letters all have different colors. Not always the same day to day, but for the most part they stay one color. Fun. But Tara, I can only tolerate her.

Info.

So I need to think of a topic for an informative speech. I think I'm going to fail comm. 101 No lie. I feel beyond overwhelmed. I have to remember about 10 different classes, and 10 different commitments, 7 different days in a week and all of them something different. It's a bit ridiculous. Ugh, organization. So you know Tara, right? The annoying negative attention seeking bitch? Well, she's getting. That love she needs from everyone. She's not my type of people, and yet everyone likes her. I don't know about things really. I don't go spouting out rumors or hate towards others, I don't plague others with my issues. I just keep all of that to myself or tell people I've known for more than a month. It's a bit frustrating.... I have been thinking about things. And you know this whole national coming out day? Well, if you didn't it's coming soon. So, instead of being a brave mo fo and coming out to the world. I'm just going to make sure my oldest friends know for sure. Not like I act very straight. Anyways. I don't enjoy this whole not having good friends, like the people here aren't the personality type I hang out with or approve of. Also, I need to start working out. This fall break when i'm not going to shoot myself because I'm so busy and stressed. I'm going to make a very strict schedule. And the only one I'm willing to break that schedule for, will be Julianne. And if I ever win her over, then I will schedule time for her instead of screwing with my schedule. It'll be easier when it'll be fine to know her entire schedule and not be creepy. By approve of, it doesn't mean like promiscuous or anything stupid like that. I mean, that they are pessimistic unhappy people who judge and critic. Complaining to a friend or 3 is fine. But when you start spreading rumors, I'm going to need you to shut the fuck up and remember you don't know their lives, and their life isn't meant to pass your time. Words hurt them as much as they do you. Stop making up rumors, spreading things around, and telling people things about their lives. It's people like them that make the world a shit place. People like them are the reason kids KIDS kill themselves. The reason they don't want to live life anymore because other kids learn from behaviors that it's okay to tell people that their way of life i wrong and they should be judged. Maybe I'm just a crazy liberal idiot, but I think we are all the same species, and we all have to live this life. We are all the same. It just pisses me off. The gay guy judges the christian girl who gives her perspective, the pro life kids judge the pro choice kids. The tall chubby girl judges the promiscuous skinny girls, the against drinking girl judges the girl who sleeps with several guys because she is in pain. Seriously. I'll tell you, but the girl EVERYONE is talking about, because she has a different boyfriend often and sleeps with guys. Yeah, she is adopted, she has lived in Japan away from US customs, she lives in a military family, she was sexually abused and raped when she was younger. She doesn't dress in a sexy way or revealing way, she doesn't do anything like that. So why do you think you are entitled to judging her. It's just really been on my mind because my friends won't STFU about it. It's literally been weeks. ANYWAYS! I'm so tired of school and not having everything to be prepared. So done. I can't wait until I can go home and hang out with my friends. I miss them so.

Ranting Session: Sad/ Confused/Pain

Of course the one fucking day and the one fucking moment I need someone to distract me from life, no one answers their phone, or replies. Even the reliable one. I was trying my best to not turn to this. But right now I've been on the verge of tears for about 30 minutes and counting. I cried while calling my mom. Just a bunch of shit. I haven't talked to her in a while because I forget to call her. I know, I'm a horrible person. Anyways, I called her and texted her today after she sent me this dramatic text. So, I talked to her. And I don't tell her about any of my hardships up here because that would be another level of stress she doesn't need. She asked me if I got my loans. I just said yes. I should have them. I don't know where they are. I know I have no money. Someone was supposed to contact me and they were supposed to tell me where that money was supposed to go. So I don't know. It's stupid. She asked me. And told me she needed to know, because she's going to declare bankruptcy. She can't pay the bills and it's becoming too much. She's closing all her accounts. I don't really know what to think. I don't know how to function right now. My mother is declaring bankruptcy. Like, what the fuck. I don't even know, and I'm already in an unhappy mood. Like, what is my reaction supposed to be? Basically, she won't be able to cosign anything of mine. I'm pretty much screwed. I am probably going to come back here to Marietta because I'm sure I'll be able to find a lot more scholarships that would pay for my everything basically here. I don't know. I'm just so confused but I know I'm sad. And that's all I feel, anger, hurt, and pain. I can't even remember what cheers me up I'm so shrouded by the pain. Like. I don't even know. Talking on the phone all I wanted was to smoke or drink or anything that would calm my ass down and give me temporary clarity. I know, that sounds like an oxymoron, but it's true. I'm just so stressed over everything. Just every day life sucks right now. I'm sure I look miserable, no doubt. I'm like 5 seconds away from just going to walgreens or cvs and buying a pack of cigarettes. I just am so fucking stressed out. But of course most of it is over money, so that would be counterproductive. I'm just ranting. It's the few hours in my life that I am going to feel utterably miserable. I can't even be pissed. It sucks. Usually I can just get rid of my emotions via hate and rage. Not today and it SUCKS. I'll be better tomorrow I just needed to get that out of my system. I still feel pain and no better. But it's out there and I have 'rationalized' why I feel like shit. Just fuck

The next step to trying to win a straight girl's heart? Well, semi. The first step was getting to be a close friend, or at least someone she trusts. To the point where you can enter her personal space no issue. Now, It's subtle flirting, turning the adorable, hot, airy but clear toned voice to medium when you 2 are alone. We have entered that phase. I still have to be careful, because the signals I'm being sent are going every where. She's going with what society says and her naiveness. Along with using you sexy voice when alone, if the girls is naive, you have to play your cards where it's not normal girl friend to girl friend behavior. It's not the easiest thing to do. But I think she's worth it. Now, I'm going to be pretty unhappy if I'm shot down. But, it could happen one day. Right now I'm still playing it by ear. Just fyi. Try and like the girls who have had experience with relationships before and aren't so innocent. It's just really hard to play by ear that way. Because they don't know how to act. In just general situations. And it really, really sucks. Man. Things will be so much easier when I'm in. Anyways! I did a lot of shit this weekend nothing the typical fun thing, it's the boring nerd fun things that you just have to love. ALSO, I think this girl thinks I like her. I don't. Not at all. She's not my type. It's a bit awkward. Very awkward. It's like... stay away when we are alone. No touchy. No touchy. Thank you. On a side note, I need to go start working out.

2 days

I'm about 2 seconds away from shooting Tara in the face. I don't know how people act up in the north, but down where I'm from we don't fucking assume shit. So don't go assuming I'm going to go eat dinner with you. Why can't I just yell at her? Because all my classes with her of course, and if I ever need something she's the one I have to go to. I hate her with a passion. Sometimes she's okay, but she talks about her life 24/7 could give less of a shit about your life and she will try and get her way and be annoying about it. It is all about her own prerogative. She BITCHES at her parents, she insults them. She plain disrespects them. I've met her mom, she's cool and means the best. Tara is a cold hearted bitch. I feel bad saying that, but I spend the most time with her and that's who she is. I wish I didn't have to know her. I do wish she would transfer schools. There are regular character traits that I don't care for that she has, but I could deal with those if it weren't for her being such an asshole all the time. I'm like so done. I'm glad I have fall break to myself next week. She wanted to take me to her home, but she's too much of a bitch. I couldn't live with her 24/7. At least here it's on my own terms. Anyways! On another note, Julianne, the girls that I had the crush on. I'm working on it. It's tough. She sends more mixed signals than the bible. Sometimes I think I'm bringing her over to the side with cookies, but then she takes a very straight tone. Man, it's really hard work. Because she's a bit fragile now, she had this crush on this guy, who is a man whore, she didn't know. She made out with him. Which she doesn't do. And then he moved on to fuck several other girls. Hard hit on her. It hurts a bit. I'm trying REALLY hard not to like actually fall for her. I want it to stay at crush so if she doesn't find the ways of the female species to be amazing, it doesn't hurt me too much. If I have to go that far I will, but right now, things are good at crush level. Subtly is my forte though. So I can so easily do so many things. Just little by little. Like encroaching on her personal space. I'm a pro. Considering I took advantage of Ang. because she loved to hug me. I learned fast. And I am a huge pro now. I'm writing this over a span of like 2 days so my emotions have changed. I had a fun day.