On a side note

I'm bored at the moment and I haven't written in a while. So I just want to get all my current thoughts down so in the future I know what's happening. It's really weird and cool and not cool that no one here knows my secrets. No one here, except my roommate knows I used to cut. So did she, that's how she found out I told her. She knows I used to be severely depressed. So did she. She knows I smoke, so does she. I don't think I told her I've fucked someone before. Other than her. No one knows much about my personal life. They don't know I'm gay. At least not from me, I mean, seriously I looked WAY gay today. Black V neck, baggyish jeans and I was wearing girls boxers which are basically shorter boxers, and you could see the wide name brand strip like guys under wear has, whenever my shirt would raise because I was stretching. Like, for real. I look extremely gay a lot of the time. They don't know I don't mind smoking. They know I've drunk before. They don't know I've had sex before. And if they find out I've had sex before, they don't know that I have had sex multiple times before. They don't know I've cut. They don't know I've been depressed. They don't know about my idiotic past. They know all the good things like. I'm an idiot and a liberal person. They know I'm very, "just fuck it". They know I'm very optimistic. I look in the good of everything. They know I hate Tara, except Tara and a few others. They know I like to laugh. They know I am happy and I like the cold. Really just surface things. I have a feeling Katie and Julianne will be the first to ever learn about anything from my past. The complicated part of my past. If anyone. I mean eventually someone is going to know. Something will happen and I will need someone here. Like so far I've been able to control my extremely negative thoughts and steer myself away from wanting to cut myself. I've not mentally broken down, not have I yelled in anger at anyone. I have controlled my anger very well. So I've done pretty good. This whole, me having a crush on Julianne is cooling me off pretty well. Tomorrow which is technically today. There is this rave thing at a frat house. And it's supposed to be bad ass. And I'm taking Julianne and I'm really really REALLY going to restrain myself from dancing behind her in a way I would if I were dancing dancing with a girl. Not just the normal way you do with your friends that you don't want to be romantically involved with. So yeah, HUGE test there. Especially since I hear it's going to be packed. Like. I dunno what I shall do. Self control XD I don't know how that works with me around girls I like when I can actually make a move. Like Angeli, I couldn't I valued my position, my reputation, and our friendship too much. With Gil, I valued our friendship too much, I valued the fact that I didn't want to just fuck him and just be another person I've fucked and that he's fucked. No matter how much I've wanted to fuck him. The one guy that I could probably ever like that much. It was ridiculous. Julianne on teh other hand. Jesus. She's the first actual girl crush who can actually get to know me for me. These are my constant thoughts when I'm with her, and urges I have to do. I always want to wrap my arms around her and hug her from behind. I always want to b her body warmth. I always want to tell her she's gorgeous and that she doesn't have to worry about the world and that the world needs to worry about her. I want to run my hands down he sides and arms. I always want to run my hands through her hair. I always want to just protect her and make sure no one hurts her. I want to tell Aaron to fuck off and leave her be and that he hurt the person who has won over my affection and that he needs to stop being near her before I attempt to kick his ass and fail miserably(he's a black belt in like everything). I want to make sure that she's always okay and that if she needs something I can just hug her and make it go away. I just want to hold her really. Once I hit the wanting to always kiss her stage, that means I legit like her and that my liking her is going to really suck. Because, again I'm 80% sure she is straight. Darn emotions. I really am avoiding saying I really do like her, just because of that. If I say I like her then my emotions will run free.