Ranting Session: Sad/ Confused/Pain

Of course the one fucking day and the one fucking moment I need someone to distract me from life, no one answers their phone, or replies. Even the reliable one. I was trying my best to not turn to this. But right now I've been on the verge of tears for about 30 minutes and counting. I cried while calling my mom. Just a bunch of shit. I haven't talked to her in a while because I forget to call her. I know, I'm a horrible person. Anyways, I called her and texted her today after she sent me this dramatic text. So, I talked to her. And I don't tell her about any of my hardships up here because that would be another level of stress she doesn't need. She asked me if I got my loans. I just said yes. I should have them. I don't know where they are. I know I have no money. Someone was supposed to contact me and they were supposed to tell me where that money was supposed to go. So I don't know. It's stupid. She asked me. And told me she needed to know, because she's going to declare bankruptcy. She can't pay the bills and it's becoming too much. She's closing all her accounts. I don't really know what to think. I don't know how to function right now. My mother is declaring bankruptcy. Like, what the fuck. I don't even know, and I'm already in an unhappy mood. Like, what is my reaction supposed to be? Basically, she won't be able to cosign anything of mine. I'm pretty much screwed. I am probably going to come back here to Marietta because I'm sure I'll be able to find a lot more scholarships that would pay for my everything basically here. I don't know. I'm just so confused but I know I'm sad. And that's all I feel, anger, hurt, and pain. I can't even remember what cheers me up I'm so shrouded by the pain. Like. I don't even know. Talking on the phone all I wanted was to smoke or drink or anything that would calm my ass down and give me temporary clarity. I know, that sounds like an oxymoron, but it's true. I'm just so stressed over everything. Just every day life sucks right now. I'm sure I look miserable, no doubt. I'm like 5 seconds away from just going to walgreens or cvs and buying a pack of cigarettes. I just am so fucking stressed out. But of course most of it is over money, so that would be counterproductive. I'm just ranting. It's the few hours in my life that I am going to feel utterably miserable. I can't even be pissed. It sucks. Usually I can just get rid of my emotions via hate and rage. Not today and it SUCKS. I'll be better tomorrow I just needed to get that out of my system. I still feel pain and no better. But it's out there and I have 'rationalized' why I feel like shit. Just fuck