My life is a mess, like my room.

I HATE THAT I PUSH PEOPLE AWAY.


I swear! I really swear I'm not a bitch. I just get scared really easily.

I am a confident shit when it comes to friendships and myself and all that shiz, (yes I do realize I said shit and shiz in the same sentence).

Or at least mostly act like it, but I have just really crappy trust issues.

I get really scared. The worst pain I've ever felt is losing friends, specifically best friends. So it really hits harder and harder when it happens repeatedly.

When someone knows me so well I really try very hard to push them away, involuntarily. I don't consciencly think, I AM GOING TO BE MEAN SO THEY WON'T GET TO CLOSE MUAHAHAHA!

No. That's not what happens!!! If it ever does I'll quickly do away with those thoughts.

I really really really try hard. But I don't realize some things until after I do it!

If I ever, ever, EVER, do anything like this to any one who reads this, I am SO sorry and please know I don't mean it, I'm just a douche when I'm scared. It's like when an opossum plays dead, it's a defense mechanism.

To change topics!

Man, I am THIS close to just kissing the next girl (who I find attractive) who passes me by.

I am not at all desperate to prove to myself that I for real like girls. Because I do, hands down I can see myself spending the rest of my life with a girl, and the same can be said with a guy. That's the more interesting thing. I am very attracted to guys but, I don't know if I'd be able to spend the rest of my life with a guy. I mena they are great and all, and the sex can be amazing, but... I dunno, if the right one came around I guess I can see myself doing it.

Pretty weird eh? This is usually what bi-curious people say, the other way around. Most bi-curious people I know have a hard time seeing themselves in a long term relationship with a girl, I have a hard time seeing that with a guy.

I still like them, I find them attractive and I would probably fuck them, it's just much more superficial with them.

ANYWAYS...

I am so sick and tired of waiting. Ugh, I see how people who have never kissed some one get frustrated. I haven't kissed someone in about a year or so, not to say I haven't had the opportunity.

I'm sick of relationships. That must sound weird coming from me, the person who hasn't been in a romantic relationship in 3 years.

I've had several fake relationships. I've had people try to court me, people try to be a fuck buddy, people try and make me their rebound girl, people trying to just plain fuck me, and emotional relationships.

In all honesty DONE.

It just pisses me off. I AM MORE THAN A BODY PEOPLE! I'm sure you would LOVE it if someone tried to fuck you, but I'm done with it. It's great and all of that. But it's just fucking. No passion.

Yo quiero passion! (insert accents where needed, if any)

Now, I'm going to go on a rant about sex and sex related things that apply to me :D

Ugh. I really used to never talk about sex on here. If I did, it pretty much didn't say anything about myself, if I did it was very subtle, if it wasn't. Well damn. But yes plain and simple I've had sex, with a guy, a lot. And an ex of mine likes to believe we've had sex. When he was in transition between two major girlfriends, he texted me for the first time in a year and he asked me and I kinda quote, "Are you still a freak?"

Okay, WTF?! First of all, I never fucking touched you. We talked about sex all the time, we talked about NORMAL sex. So, I don't know what you fantasized about when we were together and afterwards, but we SURE as hell never did anything even REMOTELY freaky. Nor have I ever done anything freaky with anyone else, so fuck off.

I pissed to say the least.

The one guy who I've ever had sex with, knows to not speak a word about it. Considering he said something once in 8th grade and that totally would have bitten me in the ass if it weren't at the end of the year.

My friend, actually my lesbian friend Olivia, in 8th grade (I think) she was part of this scandalous rumor, which was 100% true, that she sucked this guys dick(her boyfriend at the time or later) and a teacher I had, she was very cool and down to earth and not at all a bitch, found out about it like a month or 2 after it happened.

Now me and said guy first had sex in april of 8th grade year but it didn't come out until the ides of may. And even then I was the innocent little girl, shy and unknowing of anything! Now, ironically, Olivia's boyfriend was the best friend of the guy I fucked, and he was defending me through out the rumor. My best friend who I told about it had a crush on Olivia's boyfriend, at this time her ex, and my best friend informed me of this.

Wow. That's kind of funny actually. The first people to ever have sex in my group of friends, and generally in our grade, have gone gay for girls XD

That's pretty hilarious! Nah, we just found out how much guys suck sooner than the rest of the playing field XD

Okay okay!

Now, before I make casual sex sound all fun and shit, I do have my regrets.

Not really the 'Oh I didn't wait' blah blah blah.

It was, that I don't remember if the guy had broken up with my friend yet. She went to different school so it wasn't obvious, so... I'm too scared to ask, but I'm hoping it was over. I really fucking hope it was over.


Which is another reason why I feel so strongly about cheating or more specifically me being the other woman. I don't care if it's a one time deal, I don't care if I really really really want to fuck you, until you break up with your girlfriend I am NOT touching you as hard as it may be.


I am so sorry that this is going on a long major vent, but I've been waiting for years to vent about this.


The other day my friend has been telling me he wants to fuck me, he's been saying so for months now but he has a girlfriend and I would betray her like that. I don't care if it could be an open relationship, or that he;s letting her go off with some girl and he sees it as a fair trade. I. Don't. Give. A. Fuck. I will not ever fucking cheat.

Trust me, I have loved this guy pretty much since I've known him, but other than he's a cheating bitch, and thinks himself irresistible, he is not only very attractive but he's a really cool guy. But i'm done with casual relationships, and I will not do what he's asking me.

ANYWAYS!!!

Hm... Oh! The point I made this video!!!


A friend of mine is apparently unhappy with me or just decided over the weekend that I sucked and she no longer wanted to be my friend.

I'm not to sure about what to do. Being a girl I know what mixed signals are, the ones where you're pissed but won't say you are. and ugh.

I'm half over it, it just caught me off guard. Way to start my week!


On other news! I have lost a whole bunch of weight! Doing absolutely nothing1 Except refusing to eating my mothers food! Yeah!

For sure I'l probably lose silly amounts of weight actually doing some physical activity, but right now I'm on a mission to go and buy me some caffeine pills so I can have energy to do my school work! Because at this point in my life I am way too exhausted the entire day to actually do anything other than sit here and relax.

I should probably cut this down... nah.

I'm thinking of doing some videos on youtube, like on my personal channel about things :D

I have moths to think about it, if I do make some it'll start in the summer.

I still have a lot to think about. A lot.

My life is a mess, like my room.

Yuppers

I have discovered that some people have to bitches (in the flute world) because they have a low esteem when it comes to playing, because being a bitch is the only way they can have enough esteem to believe they can get better and that they will be the best. In the flute world, the competitive flute world, you have to always be on your top game, because the moment you're not there is someone else passing you by and if your goal is to be the best you can't afford to not be on your game.

Everything gets easier when you've reached the top, it's just a matter of maintaining and practicing to become perfect, because if perfect is your goal you'll never stop, because perfect isn't achievable but you can almost reach it.

So, my personality isn't really to be fierce and strong in that way. I'm a bit more passive, but if I want to achieve the best, I'll have to be a beast. I'll act like a bitch in my band setting but in reality I am not and I'll never be that, it's just not me. So I'll live life as usual but no one can know about my passive aggressive ways.

Oh well.

Why? You ask. Why would I do that to myself? Because I need to be the best to achieve my future goals.

It's just understood by every instrument that being a flute player means you are going to have it hard when it comes to getting to the top. Most bands take 5-7 flutes, most orchestra's only take 2-4.

It's a competitive field, it's inevitable.

And on a sub-conscience level, I'm sure I really want to see what it's like to just be a bitch and not give a fuck about what other think or say.

Try everything once aye?

So at Marietta I'm joining the Rainbow club, Ice Hockey Club, women's choir, symphonic band, trying out for concert band, oratorio chorusm, and wind ensemble. Some of them I have to audition for, but I doubt they are that good.

Add On

I'm afraid of that and some kid asking me about what happened to my arm (the scars) and someone asking me about my sexual orientation or my significant other.

I would have edited the other post and add that on, but that's a lot more work XD

So yeah, you should go listen to Uh Huh Her. They are a good band, and it just so happens that Alice from the L word is in that band. I like it, they are pretty cool.

If you don't know what The L Word is, it was an HBO show based on the lives of these lesbians. It is like the the one show almost every lesbian/pansexual/bisexual girl has watch or at least heard of.

It's a good show if you don't mind a lot of hot lesbian sex, which I personally don't, so it was a great show. If you do not like watching a lot of lesbian sex/kissing, you can't skip over the parts, it's like half of the show.

If you don't want to question you sexuality, I wouldn't watch like the first season.

There is this character Marina. The moment she opened her mouth in the first episode 5-10 minutes into the episode, I would have let her have her way with me. Her accent and voice make your clothes fall off and her piercing soft sexy eyes will turn you on to the point of craving her touch. And her body is a plus.

She really doesn't talk, in this clip, which is a bummer, but ah... at least you get to see her :D http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K9W_BwTICsU

This is the first meeting http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jceWCm0VGyI&feature=related

Marina is such a cock blocker, but still.

Now, I fucking hate Marina for destroying Jenny, but SHE IS TOO SEXY TO KEEP HATING HER.

I love her. I died watching this scene. I stopped this scene like 20 times, one because I always feel awkward watching sex scenes, kissing scenes, any scene like that. Which is really weird, but I do, The L Word helped it out a lot, but this was episode one season one, I just couldn't XD

And, yeah, I loved them. Fucking hot as hell.

I think I have filled this post up enough to consider it a post XD

SDOS

Okay, so I've decided what I want to do with my life.

Today, in Calculus we had story time. Apparently the person who invented Barney, yes, INVENTED, like the creator of, was my teacher's favorite teacher's, the one who made him decide that he wanted to become a calculus teacher, wife.

Through a very unique set of events she had the opportunity to create Barney.

The moral of the story was that you have to have the courage to do what you want, because you have to love what you do, and you have to fight to do it. You must have the courage to do what you want, you always have to go towards the goal even if the goal seems far fetched.

His teacher and his teacher's wife had their first date at a washateria.

Now, I've been going round and round in my mind in what I should study in college. I've been toying with the idea of being a music educator, but if I were to go into that I would almost have to study at the University of North Texas, because every director I've ever had and respected has studied there. Now, it is so freaking ridiculous to get in to the school of music, it is just stupid competitive, and now I play the flute, I have the unfortunate disadvantage of having cut throat competition, so I was terrified of trying and not making it. Like working so fucking hard just to be disappointed.

In class today I saw, I just have to go for it.

I want to be a music educator, it scares the shit out of me because I want to be an influence in the lives I interact with and I want to share my love for music with them all, and I'm afraid of doing something tragically wrong. I can't let that stop me though, so I'm not, I won't.

It's too late for me to apply to the School of Music at UNT, but I wouldn't want to go, I'm not prepared.

I know what I'll do though, in a matter of 30 minutes today I made my plan for the next 6 or 8 years of my life.

I will go to the school that gives me the best deal for my freshman year, I'll get a bank student loan and I'll buy my own good flute and I will practice everyday for at least 2 hours getting better so I'll be worthy of UNT.

I will probably go to Marietta College and I'll join the Women's Choir, try out for the good mixed choir, join the concert band and try out for the good band (which I probably won't get into). I will dedicate my freshman year to music. My life will revolve around it. I will take Music Theory and Aural Skills and such and then my sophomore year I'll try to transfer over to UNT. I can get into that college, it's a matter of getting accepted to the school of music. But I will, I will fight to be the best flute player. I will be the best. I expect nothing less from myself, because I wouldn't feel adequate if I'm not the best.

If in Marietta I'm not the number one flute I'll just have to practice more and harder to become the best.

I'm not that type of person who needs to be the best at anything, it's not my nature to fight for things. Flute's are cut throat bitches because they must be the best.

My hidden nature is that. I will have to embrace it to survive. It will have to be my life. A selfish bitch that only looks out for herself, but I'll play nice with the others so I can get what I want when needed. It's the flute culture. That's how we all are. We play nice and are 'friends' but our minds are always, I'm better than you bitch stop acting like you are even CLOSE to my level, or... you;re better than me, but I sure as hell won't act like you are, I'm weeks of practice away from getting to your level watch out bitch, you have a target on your back and I'm going for the bull's eye. You can ask any flute player, and if they say it's not like that, they either suck so much they've lost hope and they don't think it's possible to catch up, or they are dirty little liars.

I'll have to be the cut throat bitch to get better, unfortunately, but if that's what it takes to motivate myself to be better and become worthy of UNT, I'll fucking do it. There is no point in doing anything half-assed so I'm going for the gold.

It sounds really horrible, like, WHY WOULD YOU EVER DO THAT TO YOURSELF?!

You do strange things when you want to be great at what you do. I'm way behind, play ability wise, so I really need to practice, I need to practice every day for hours when I'm in college, I will eat sleep live music. I will sing during all my free time, I will always have a pack of caffeine pills with me (which I'm going to buy and try this upcoming Monday) so I'll be able to do homework too. I will listen to music the rest of the time.

I love music enough to want to do that with my life. I want to do that. I would love for my life to revolve around music. It probably sounds radical when I say that. It really isn't. It would be normal. 24 hours in a day and I can't imagine anything better than attending 5 hours of music courses, 2 hours of basics, 3 hours of practice, 2 hours of rehearsal, 2 hours of choir rehearsal, 2 hours of voice practice, 2 hours of voice and flute lessons, 1 hour for personal stuff, 3 hours for homework, most of which being music and listening to music. These are all very rough estimations, but why would I spend my time doing anything else? Watching T.V.? Reading(well yes in my free time)? Social networks? Partying(Only on weekends, if I have time)? Video games(Only on weekends or when I'm so beyond stressed)?

I'd rather do music. Depending on what time my first class starts, I'l jog around campus, I'll take a shower, eat(maybe) all while listening to music, get an hour of practice in, do some some homework, then go to class awake and ready to rock. When my classes are done, or if I have a large gap between classes I'll get some voice practice in, then go to my next class or rehearsal and afterwards I'll practice (depending how late the school is open), I'll eat, and then I'll do my homework, then sleep!

That's what I plan on my life being at least my freshman year, maybe a little less hardcore on practice or maybe more, my basics will pretty much be over with after freshman year, so I'll have more time to learn music stuff, and hopefully have an easy time with it.

I'm ready honestly. All I've ever wanted to do is to have music be the center of my life and now it will be.

The hardest thing, will be telling Gil I'm not going to Baylor.

Also! I totally am now a firm believer of the Six Degrees of Separation theory.

Attraction

I thought of something on a more positive note!!!

This week's topic on a collab. channel I follow(Wevomitrainbows) is 'Attraction'

So this would a good place to talk about it! I can't really talk about what attracts me to girls with really anyone without either making them feel awkward or them being a guy with only superficial feelings towards girls. So this would be a perfect outlet!!!

This may be short because my house is so uncomfortably hot and my laptop is super fucking hot!

Now, the thing that first gets my attention and pretty much keeps my attention are eyes. They don't have to be a specific color they just have to have a certain something. Like I need to be able to just look into them for hours and still not be able to figure out what makes them so amazing.

After the eyes catch my attention you have to have a great personality. You don't have to be positive, but you have to have a sense of humor, you have to have a bit of awkwardness and you must be sure of yourself. Confidence is such a big turn on.

After great personality, other things are just cool bonuses.

On girls I think I would prefer a medium sized cup, if they had short hair, or long hair. Short hair some how seems more attractive.

I love running my hands through hair.

You can't feel awkward about me touching your hair, me staring at you, looking into your eyes, and me being sarcastic, oh! and you have to live with my different tones of voice.

I like nice legs, but I'm not picky really.

I just ask for most of the above.

You must be able to deal with my constant love, my constant randomness, my spur of the moment gifts, my bursts of song, and me not being able to stop laughing at something funny that happens or something someone says.

You must be strong minded and willing to fight about what you believe in

I had a boyfriend once that would not debate with me about anything and it annoyed the fuck out of me, I would have found him way more attractive if he had been more strong minded.

Um... I think that's it. I like any color hair, any color eyes, any color skin. Okay, that last one is a lie apparently. I've never been attracted to a black person or african american, female or male.

You can be any shape, any size, and I tend to be more attracted to the average girl like not a femme or a stud, somewhere exactly in the middle, history has that I'm attracted to the neutral lesbian/bi. Though I do like femmes and I'm not a huge fan of like hardcore studs.

I would like a shorter girlfriend, but I mean, I'm 5' 9" it's very hard to not find someone shorter. If I can hold you standing up and your head can fit perfectly under my chin I will instantly love you even more. I just love that feeling of hugging someone and having their head fit right under mine.

Did I mention they have to be intellectual? I wouldn't be able to stand being with someone that I couldn't keep a good intellectual conversation with every once in a while.

I broke up with my second boyfriend because of that and partially my first boyfriend.

I also found out today that it really turns me on when someone can really explain something, like watching a student really understand something to the point where they could explain it, oh yes.

Now, another post about today shall go up!

Rabbit

Okay. Now, I've seen this trend in my life since maybe 7th more likely 8th grade, I seem to get so unbelievably depressed around March and April every year since 2007 or 2006. 4 years now. And sure enough, I became insanely depressed around the ides of march, maybe a bit earlier.

The thing about this is, I don't know how to not be depressed around this time. Everything can be going great(like this year) and I just can't anymore in March/April.

I lose all hope in everything and there is no point in anything. Last year was a bit better considering I was dying due to the friendship between me and Gil. That's odd, but it was.

Now this year things were great, but I'm so insanely depressed.

Every single stereotypical symptom.

I am tired
I have had suicidal thoughts
I have wanted to self injure
I am irritable(More than usual)
Felling like I'm worthless
Having all those little voices coming back and telling me that everything is my fault and that I don't deserve to live because of all of my mistakes, character traits, negative personality attributes,, and all of my guilts through out life all at once.
Trouble concentrating
And loss in my interests

Tragic really.


But anyways!

My mind is like out there. It wants things it can't have. UGH.

I'm ALMOST done with Pokemon black I'm a little over 70% done, I'm assuming.



Now, every year since Calculus AB and BC has existed at my school with my Calculus teacher, there has been a shirt.

Every year has had a shirt or hoodie(if you are BC)

This year's was made by my friend Taylor. My calculus teacher is a huge fan of The Beatles! So Taylor decided to make the design of Abbey Road's Cover and replaced the pictures of the faces of the beatles with different pictures of my teacher's face.

IT IS AWESOME!

And I will always wear it because it's awesome.

Now... I wish I had happier news but I have none sorry.

Bye!

My Wagon

Soo, if this would have happened maybe a week later, I would be okay. But no. I don't think I can do it. I really don't.

I can't keep this up. I... fuck.

As we all know, I lost my grandfather when I was in 4th grade, but I didn't feel that he was gone until 8th grade. And that's when the sadness hit me along with my teenage hormonal imbalances that...

That's what I wrote when I felt really bad. I'm feeling better.

But, I was pretty much turning it down. I felt insanely depressed. Everything I used to do when I felt down. I thought of everything bad I have ever done, anything bad I've ever done to anyone, whether on purpose or on accident. All the bad, the millions of things that weren't my fault but I've easily convinced myself that it all is my fault.

It all came back. I was fighting close it by distracting myself. Because I will do anything and everything to make myself feel horrible. I ate an abnormal amount, which would be called binging. I binged today, not too much, but much more than I should be.

I hate all of that. I feel better now, I didn't reach the suicidal thoughts or the self injuring thoughts.

Well that's a lie, I did think about self injuring. I looked at my scars and I had a Cookish type moment. I thought, "It's not too bad, what's wrong with it? I'm mean sure I'm mutilating myself, but it makes me feel good, it makes me feel better, so what's wrong with it? Other than the fact I am mutilating myself." And you know? I still can't convince myself that there is something wrong with it.

I'm just not in a good place. I'm not depressed but I really want to be.

I know what you're thinking. Who WANTS to be depressed? And I don't know why I do.

It's what I know, I've been depressed since around the age of 13-14 and I don't know what else there is.

In all honesty happiness scares me. Because I can only think of the bad. I will see the black first and then this of the white if you flash a black and white paper.

Ugh, it's a horrible mental problem. I know.

I hate this sooo much.

I should be happy, I'm accepted to a school I really want to go to, someone I would like to fuck wants to fuck me back, I'm a senior, I'm leaving for college in months, I have lost weight, I have a new DS and pokemon black, I have a great best friend, I started talking with another friend, and I have 20 dollars.

You know, even while typing that, I could only think of the bad.
The school is states away and I will have to leave my best friend, the very fuckable person is in a committed relationship but he still wants to, I'm leaving my life and friends forever, I will be in a completely new environment with completely different people in a few months, I am losing weight due to my oncoming depression, I have a DS and Pokemon Black that I went to get this spring break, where I did nothing, in my green station wagon that was stolen earlier today from my driveway, my best friend whatever, I started speaking with my friend and I can only think about how much I didn't do before, I have 20 dollars and someone stole my freaking car that I've made so many memories in and I fucking loved and hoped to keep until I had to leave.

And someone is in my fucking car taking advantage of everything that has happened in there, everything that would have happened in there, all the places it would have taken me, all the places it did take me, everything that it has done for me. And someone fucking stole it.

I keep imagining that there is a reason it happened, that it was supposed to blow up and the people who stole it have now exploded along with my car (which still pisses me off because they don't deserve to die with my precious fucked up car. I keep seeing bad things happening to the car hoping that that's why it no longer resides with me. I keep the illusion that it will just appear outside in my driveway and everything will be okay. I loved that car. I really hope that fate had a reason for someone taking it.

I think my car is a good thing to cry over, a worthy thing to cry about. It is, because I love it. It was a great car. I kind of feel the need to make a small car out of wood or something that resembles my wagon and I paint it green, and then I burn it and spread the ashes every where it took me.

Maybe it's just the nostalgia. But I really loved that car.