My life is a mess, like my room.

I HATE THAT I PUSH PEOPLE AWAY.


I swear! I really swear I'm not a bitch. I just get scared really easily.

I am a confident shit when it comes to friendships and myself and all that shiz, (yes I do realize I said shit and shiz in the same sentence).

Or at least mostly act like it, but I have just really crappy trust issues.

I get really scared. The worst pain I've ever felt is losing friends, specifically best friends. So it really hits harder and harder when it happens repeatedly.

When someone knows me so well I really try very hard to push them away, involuntarily. I don't consciencly think, I AM GOING TO BE MEAN SO THEY WON'T GET TO CLOSE MUAHAHAHA!

No. That's not what happens!!! If it ever does I'll quickly do away with those thoughts.

I really really really try hard. But I don't realize some things until after I do it!

If I ever, ever, EVER, do anything like this to any one who reads this, I am SO sorry and please know I don't mean it, I'm just a douche when I'm scared. It's like when an opossum plays dead, it's a defense mechanism.

To change topics!

Man, I am THIS close to just kissing the next girl (who I find attractive) who passes me by.

I am not at all desperate to prove to myself that I for real like girls. Because I do, hands down I can see myself spending the rest of my life with a girl, and the same can be said with a guy. That's the more interesting thing. I am very attracted to guys but, I don't know if I'd be able to spend the rest of my life with a guy. I mena they are great and all, and the sex can be amazing, but... I dunno, if the right one came around I guess I can see myself doing it.

Pretty weird eh? This is usually what bi-curious people say, the other way around. Most bi-curious people I know have a hard time seeing themselves in a long term relationship with a girl, I have a hard time seeing that with a guy.

I still like them, I find them attractive and I would probably fuck them, it's just much more superficial with them.

ANYWAYS...

I am so sick and tired of waiting. Ugh, I see how people who have never kissed some one get frustrated. I haven't kissed someone in about a year or so, not to say I haven't had the opportunity.

I'm sick of relationships. That must sound weird coming from me, the person who hasn't been in a romantic relationship in 3 years.

I've had several fake relationships. I've had people try to court me, people try to be a fuck buddy, people try and make me their rebound girl, people trying to just plain fuck me, and emotional relationships.

In all honesty DONE.

It just pisses me off. I AM MORE THAN A BODY PEOPLE! I'm sure you would LOVE it if someone tried to fuck you, but I'm done with it. It's great and all of that. But it's just fucking. No passion.

Yo quiero passion! (insert accents where needed, if any)

Now, I'm going to go on a rant about sex and sex related things that apply to me :D

Ugh. I really used to never talk about sex on here. If I did, it pretty much didn't say anything about myself, if I did it was very subtle, if it wasn't. Well damn. But yes plain and simple I've had sex, with a guy, a lot. And an ex of mine likes to believe we've had sex. When he was in transition between two major girlfriends, he texted me for the first time in a year and he asked me and I kinda quote, "Are you still a freak?"

Okay, WTF?! First of all, I never fucking touched you. We talked about sex all the time, we talked about NORMAL sex. So, I don't know what you fantasized about when we were together and afterwards, but we SURE as hell never did anything even REMOTELY freaky. Nor have I ever done anything freaky with anyone else, so fuck off.

I pissed to say the least.

The one guy who I've ever had sex with, knows to not speak a word about it. Considering he said something once in 8th grade and that totally would have bitten me in the ass if it weren't at the end of the year.

My friend, actually my lesbian friend Olivia, in 8th grade (I think) she was part of this scandalous rumor, which was 100% true, that she sucked this guys dick(her boyfriend at the time or later) and a teacher I had, she was very cool and down to earth and not at all a bitch, found out about it like a month or 2 after it happened.

Now me and said guy first had sex in april of 8th grade year but it didn't come out until the ides of may. And even then I was the innocent little girl, shy and unknowing of anything! Now, ironically, Olivia's boyfriend was the best friend of the guy I fucked, and he was defending me through out the rumor. My best friend who I told about it had a crush on Olivia's boyfriend, at this time her ex, and my best friend informed me of this.

Wow. That's kind of funny actually. The first people to ever have sex in my group of friends, and generally in our grade, have gone gay for girls XD

That's pretty hilarious! Nah, we just found out how much guys suck sooner than the rest of the playing field XD

Okay okay!

Now, before I make casual sex sound all fun and shit, I do have my regrets.

Not really the 'Oh I didn't wait' blah blah blah.

It was, that I don't remember if the guy had broken up with my friend yet. She went to different school so it wasn't obvious, so... I'm too scared to ask, but I'm hoping it was over. I really fucking hope it was over.


Which is another reason why I feel so strongly about cheating or more specifically me being the other woman. I don't care if it's a one time deal, I don't care if I really really really want to fuck you, until you break up with your girlfriend I am NOT touching you as hard as it may be.


I am so sorry that this is going on a long major vent, but I've been waiting for years to vent about this.


The other day my friend has been telling me he wants to fuck me, he's been saying so for months now but he has a girlfriend and I would betray her like that. I don't care if it could be an open relationship, or that he;s letting her go off with some girl and he sees it as a fair trade. I. Don't. Give. A. Fuck. I will not ever fucking cheat.

Trust me, I have loved this guy pretty much since I've known him, but other than he's a cheating bitch, and thinks himself irresistible, he is not only very attractive but he's a really cool guy. But i'm done with casual relationships, and I will not do what he's asking me.

ANYWAYS!!!

Hm... Oh! The point I made this video!!!


A friend of mine is apparently unhappy with me or just decided over the weekend that I sucked and she no longer wanted to be my friend.

I'm not to sure about what to do. Being a girl I know what mixed signals are, the ones where you're pissed but won't say you are. and ugh.

I'm half over it, it just caught me off guard. Way to start my week!


On other news! I have lost a whole bunch of weight! Doing absolutely nothing1 Except refusing to eating my mothers food! Yeah!

For sure I'l probably lose silly amounts of weight actually doing some physical activity, but right now I'm on a mission to go and buy me some caffeine pills so I can have energy to do my school work! Because at this point in my life I am way too exhausted the entire day to actually do anything other than sit here and relax.

I should probably cut this down... nah.

I'm thinking of doing some videos on youtube, like on my personal channel about things :D

I have moths to think about it, if I do make some it'll start in the summer.

I still have a lot to think about. A lot.

My life is a mess, like my room.