Confident emotions?!

I feel like I'm bipolar or going through some really mellow manic episodes, because my blog posts are so up and down. I'm not up or down. I don't really feel anything towards school. I love it, I'm learning, I tolerate the population and the course work. I should feel a lot, but I don't. Not even anxiety. Which is good for me, for my flute playing. When I play the flute, like really play it, I get into it. It's my safe place. Playing music is when everything else that is happening in the world gets forgotten. I concentrate on the words, the emotion, the story, the notes, the technique, the past, the future, the meaning, keeping myself restrained enough to still sound good, and always trying to improve. I don't have time to think about bitch face, or that I really like a probable straight girl, or that I have no friends I would run to in case of a mental break down. I mean, I never have, but I had a choice to before. I still do, but I don't have a friend I can physically go to right now. I don't have time for that when I am performing or rehearsing. I played Syrinx the other day in studio. It was the first time I had played it in ages so I made a lot of mistakes and my mental lapses and fighting against the flute but when I was done I had conveyed my emotion. It wasn't all the emotion I could give, because that is dedicated to when I actually get perform it. The first comment was from Em- she's the other flute music major, we have a sort of bond because she was my excel leader my freshman year and I am always next to her and in classes with her, and I see her enough for us not to hate each other. She was the first to say something and she was like I can't wait until you get a new flute, because that will sound amazing once you do. Then my adviser and teacher was like, I was about to say the same, because you sounded great playing this right now, but once you have a new flute you are going to exponentially get better. Which is true because I'm playing on a student flute and it's really easy to screw things up on student flutes because you can overblow really easily and it's hard to actually sound good. I'm also excited. The next and last comment I got was from our personal synesthsia girl, and if I sound good to her I feel like it is an honor. She didn't talk about my playing, maybe she did. But she liked how confident I looked while playing. When she said that, I stopped listening. I was not expecting that. I've never been told I looked confident while playing. Granted I'm not overwhelmed this year by my solo and I like it, and I understand the story. Solos with a story are always easy to play. Solos that have 99% negative emotions are really easy for me to play. I know how to do pain. Happiness not so much. It's hard for me. I know what piece I'm going to play for my senior recital. That one for sure. I don't even know what my recital topic will be, but Syrinx will fit. I will give up any other song for that one.

Hairy crushes?

I'm giving myself 7 minutes to finish talking about my last post. I posted it in a haste last time. I am boring. I really hate it. I wasn't the most entertaining when I was younger but I had a life. I had friends. I don't have anything anymore. I don't have friends. Also, I think I'm going to give up the pursuit on Mal-. I'm not saying it's not worth it, but I was going strong and I had some hope. But I can't bother right now. I mean, things would be okay if I weren't so down with life. I mean, I can't. I wish. I do, but I'm losing hope in her being somewhat gay. However, she is totally hot. I mean I have a type. If the girl is seemingly boring looking, doesn't really dress up and is always casual and usually wears glasses, I am attracted, if she is normal weight but flat stomach, I am obsessed with flat stomachs. I am really predictable. Because I was attracted to a girl just like that earlier this semester and the other day she dressed up for our college's presidential inauguration, and I almost died. She was wearing a black fedora, a blazer with a white girly button up shirt, and a pencil skirt, and omg. She wasn't wearing pantyhose and fuck my life, she was wearing 2inch heels and her legs. Like, that was the last thing I notcied because I was like, fuck who is this girl and how have I never seen her before and I was busy being like holy fuck it's that girl, and then I saw her legs and man. It should have been illegal how hot she looked. I could barely handle it. Those legs need a license. Anyways, I feel the sae aboyt Mal- even though she never dresses up, but her in a dress. Omg, a cocktail dress. I need to stop. She was wearing a button up today and she was not wearing a tank top under it, and she left the top three buttons un buttoned enough for you to see a necklace nicely dispayled, but there was none, just chest and mayn. I was super attracted, Also, I want to cut my hair and do something with it. I know, I know, I always say that. But really this time. I just don't know what to do. But I'm determined this time around. I want a true change. I don't know how my hair will work with, but it needs a real change, maybe getting it dyed a lighter brown. One that looks brown and not black. Then, maybe some high lights, and getting my hair cut short. Like back in the day. But I think my hair would be fucked if I did. Maybe cutting it very short will help it. Idk. I'm getting random and rambling. Bye! Seriously guys, I should get into youtube I would have the best youtube titles.

2 weeks later

I don't actually feel alot. I'm not totally numb but I don't feel everything I should. Fro example, my douche Woodwind Methods teacher completely insulted my entire class of 4, well except one but that's because her entire face at this point is brown. But anyways, I was so angry, I was simmering, but I was to my breaking point. I was past my breaking point. I should have been yelling and going at that man. I've never been afraid to accuse a teacher or yell at a teacher. I just have never been to the point where I would have to attack them for being a dick. I was past that point, I should have gone off on that man and withdrawn from the course. I should have, why I didn't is a mystery to me. No it's not. It's because all my emotions are halved or significantly cut from what I would normally feel. I'm being stifled and it's killing me. I want to be sad, I want to be indifferent, I want to be afraid, I want to be hurt, I want to be happy, I want to be angry. It's causing me not to care anymore. I don't care, I don't give a fuck at all. It's coming back a bit, but I am being so unbelievably rational it's scary. I can't even. I have always dealt with thinsg by rationalizing, it's how I deal. But now I am so ridiculously rationale it's crazy. I'm losing it and I don't even have a reason. I really want to just feel something. I smoked for the first time in months yesterday. It was amazing. I felt numb. I couldn't feel my body. All I felt was a rush of numbness and nicotine. I almost didn't make it back to my dorm. To my building. I was bubbling. I was jittery. I was everything and nothing. It was almost better that cutting, but I get two in one with cutting and the pain last for a longer time. Anyways, it was amazing. But, not something I would do all the time. It's not something I cana get addicted too. Cutting and running do, because those aren't long term detriments to my body. I have cut. Did I tell you guys that? It's was a few weeks ago, probably a shit ton longer than that. I felt the rush. That amazing rush, but I didn't have my razor or anything relatively sharp, so I scraped at my arm. Over and over. It took ages to break skin. The feeling was amazing but it took forever. The sting didn't last and the blood was minimal at best. I can understand why people do that, but I could never. I mean, that's ridiculous. It takes forever and is only a in the moment thing. Not worth the scar at all. I need to buy a razor, but I know if i do I'll cut more often and I honestly can't afford to do it that much. I have to change infront of roommates I have to be all dressy for a variety of events. I cannot afford to cut. It's a bit ridiculous. Also, I'm afraid to exercise, did I tell you guys that? I'm afraid to. Back in the transition between middle and high school I got hooked on running which is was worse than being hooked on phonics. I was miserable and running was an outlet for me. I was able to run and not think about anything but the music or a little to the left and little to the right, faster, slower, I can't keep running, yes you can, you are going to keep running until you reach this distance and then we will slow down to catch your breath but not stop, then run until the next ridiculous distance.

4 weeks ago I was here and I'm here 4 weeks later, well that's not depressing at all

Reasons I haven't posted in 4 weeks? College. I mean it is fucking ridiculous how many things I have to do and how many things I am making myself do because I hate seeing my roommate ever because she is a fucking asshole bitch. But enough on Bitch Face. I haven't had time to do this. The blogging because of it. I've thought about it but I haven't had time to. There is so much to tell you guys and my future self, but I can't be bothered to remember it's 9:22 and I skipped all my classes except choir on Thursday because I was too tired to function. I am still too tired. I don't knwo why. I'm going through a depression session, so maybe it's that. I generally have no friends at the moment. I have aquantices, but no actual friends. I am in the transition to becoming friends with my friend MaL-, but more on her later. I hav- on a distracted not I just got an email from Youtube Music. What the hell is that? What? Why am I a part of that. Whatever. But, yeah, I'm not really friends with anyone. I've completely drifted from Kati-, Tar-, and Julia- because I don't know why. They all live basically next to each other and all they do is hangout and talk. I do not. I live on the otherside of the building and I was left alone from the moment I got to campus. They might be a bit butt hurt by the fact that I didn't even bother to contact them when I got home or all summer. I don't do it. I don't really like texting, it gets annoying and I just didn't want people in my life this summer. It was my time to reevaluate, and I was happy. I think it is here. I think I'm unhappy here. I think that's the issue. I think this place makes me depressed. Maybe it's because I'm not with people who are like me. Who like anime, rock music, video games, youtube, gay, technology, and things like that. I know a few people, but no one who I'm friends with. I need to make a change. I think I could be happy here. Now, what I'm going to say next is by no means an excuse for not getting new friends. It is kind of just happening and I wanted the friendship. I am friends with her group though so, it's not on purpose. There is this girl. Mal-, so man. Okay, I like her. She is a cool kid and I like her. I met her last semester she was in the environmental group I'm in here. She was studying in Costa Rica my first semester so I didn't get to know her, I think I had heard of her, but I can't quite remember. So, I thought she was cool, she spoke spanish and came to spanish conversation tab;es and we talked, she was a cool kid and she knew a bunch of people I knew, so she had to be a cool kid. Near the end of the semester I "made" her go to the zombie movie night thing the honors house had and I "forced" her to stay and watch Shuan of the Dead, because she didn't like the movie. Which I personally think is an awesome movie. But, yeah, then I walked halfway to her dorm to my dorm after she refused my offer to walk her to her dorm. we were both tired, but I was wiling. Sometime after that I figured out that I did have a crush on her. This year I didn't really come with a mind set of I am going to try and figure her out and figure out if she likes girls or if she's okay with teh gays and stuff. I was just going to be her friend and stuff. Well, that changed. The first time I talked to her this semester. I'm making this story sound like I am with Mal, I'm not. Just to clarify if you thikn this story is going to end up with us happily ever after. I talked to her and I just was like, I want/need to know, yeah? I haven't tried to find out, I'm just trying to be her friend because I am really confused and I'm leaving it up to her. But man, I don't know why I am attracted to her, but I am. We are in that stage of a friendship where you are aquaintices that know they have a lot in common and get along but you can either become friends or you take the dating route. So, normally I'd be like, oh she's a straight girl so I can live with just being friends. But I don't know. Like I've said, I get really confused by some girls. y gaydar can be off. But with Mal, I don't know. I think signs show straight but I don't know. I'm pretty sure. But I don't know, because we should have moved on. We should be just friends now. That we hang and we talk about other things other than classes and such. Maybe we are there. Maybe she moves slowly with friends. I don't know. I am so confused! And, man. We went to this dinner thing and we both got there late, of course, I got there I few minutes before her. We were there and while we listened to the panel speak she was scratching her leg and either 'accidentally' or actually accidentally brushed my leg. Other than the fact that I got EXTREMELY turned on by her just brushing past me TWICE. Did I mention that? Hence the possible 'accidentally' time may have passed really slowly in my sense of time and space and really fast for her. But it felt like she lingered when she brushed past it the first time and a little longer when her hand made a come back. I didn't want to make it awkward, or for her to see what were probably my dilated pupils at the moment(seriously like a teenage boy somethings). Mostly fear of not getting the 'look' back if I turned. She looked at me, I saw her in my periphery, but I couldn't tell if it was a look of oh god, or the 'look' not being acknowledged by me. I think we may in fact be that awkward couple that is the most awkward at flirting. Because I can't tell, and I am trying not to freak her out if she isn't even a little bit gay. I am really attracted to her though, but I cuold live with just being her friend. I'm okay with that. I dunno. Today, our friendship moved forward though. And she made the move. She saw me during the day and while I was waiting for my food and she tapped my shoulder and got me to turn all the way around. It was pretty obvious I was happy to see her, if she isn't flirting with me, which is probably, hopefully the glee on my face OMG I MISSED GLEE THIS WEEK! Sorry, anyways, hopefully she didn't notice my complete glee the moment I saw it was her, hopefully her laughing covered it up and hopefully she was confused by me completely ramming a girl with my backpack and me being like OMG sorry. Anyways. So, we made that step forward. And the whole dinner thing was also kind of like hanging out, and so yeah. It was interesting. I dunno. I don't know what is going to happen. We'll see. I hope it goes my way, but probably not. Hopefully I'm not pushing the whole I don't like you vibe. Or the I like you vibe. I don't know. It'll be an interesting weekend.

Life in General- As Always

School man! That's been a trip. It's a little rough, I feel like I never left really. Everything is so familiar but different at the same time. I have literally spent only sleeping time in my dorm. I take everything I need with me when I leave for class and I come back when my roommate is asleep. Except she is a fucking light sleeper. Like, extremely light. If I make a noise she is up. If she sees light, she's up. Which is why I spend my time in Herman. It's literally my home, I only go and sleep in my dorm. If I could avoid that too, I would. It's just not a comfortable time. I have my roommates schedules so I know when I can avoid her during the week. I have a feeling she is one of those that goes back to their dorm after every class though, so that kinda sucks. I wish I had my old floor. They were all cool, not some pretentious assholes. Seriously. I went back at 10pm and the entire floor was silent. We have quiet hours, but those start at 11. My roommate was asleep at 10. I can stay up until 5am with no trouble at all, like... I don't get it. I mean, my old floor had all athletes so they fell asleep early but our floor was still loud as fuck. My roommate was just like me though, and I LOVED that, she would stay up with me, we would smoke together and she didn't automatically hate me. Like, I mean, I haven't even done anything to her except live with her. I like the room. There is this girl Autumn Day, I don't think she has a roommate, I'm thinking maybe I could befriend her and I would be able to live with her, because she's already spoken to me and we've laughed, so I know she doesn't hate me. It's a good start. That's really all I need. And for her not fall asleep at ridiculously early hours. That too. I mean, honestly I just need a desk to be able to play on and a bed to sleep. I study and practice and entertain myself in other places. I just need to be able to relax in my room not be on edge. It sucks really. I've also had some insane urges to smoke before I get back to my dorm. Like, just sit somewhere and smoke. I would have done it yesterday but it was in teh 60s and I was wearing a tshirt and shorts. I might today. I don't want to, but I do. I'm just kind of really lonely. I spend my time in Herman. I talk to Ada, but it's not much just in passing, she has her boyfriend and her best friends and her choir buddies. I'm just her friend in passing and I'm there if all else fails her, because I am not the greatest company. Tar-, I have tried to replace out of my memory. I don't really want to have her company and my mind kind of just blocks out every words she says. It's bad in class when she's explaining things, but I've started to block her out. I don't need her awkward negativity in my life. I'd rather be alone and awkward with my roommate than have her company Kati- and Julian--, well, they are on Tara's side I'm assuming. They hang out every night from what I can tell. I don't really go over there, because that means I'd have to go to my room earlier than I'd ever want. It's just a bummer that things have worked out this way, but I'm trying to find more friends. Friends who are good, and love me for who I am and will be my rock when I need them to be and let me be their rock. A relationship like Gil and me had a couple of years ago. I mean, I'd still take a bullet for the guy. Way too much history for me to not still love him, I guess it's true that you'll always love them. It's weird. I talk to my Liz, my cousin a lot more now, just because I know she'll always love and accept me and be there when I need her. Her entire family is great. When her brother moved close to Houston, whenever he would drive down to the Valley to see his family for a weekend, he would offer my mom a ride and she would be able to go see the family she desperately misses. Her mom cosigned a loan for me this year, and Liz has always been my rock and my favorite cousin. I wasn't truly scared to come out to her. She accepted me just the same. She loved me and jokes around with me. That's what family's for I guess. I need a drink or a fag. Both would be fine with me right now. Fuck my classes tomorrow seriously. They suck. Brit Lit, Teacher to Leader, Studio, and Theory. I can live without those. On the bright side I can sleep in or I can wake up at the same time and have some me time before my class at 10 and she leaves at like 8:30-40 I'll do that. Have some me time, and TF2 time. It'll be GLORIOUS. I don't hate my roommate per say, I just don't like her attitude toward me. I need a fag.

fast typing

Okay, this has to be fast I only have a a few minutes of life left on my laptop, and I don't have any working outlets on my side of the room. I am at aschool, teh loans worked out and I am in my dorm getting ready for my 9a.m. tomorrow. My roommate has not spoken to me, I have said, hey. She's just given me the head nod taht she acknowledges my presence. We've been in the same room for over 2 hours now together, and we have not even acknowledged each other. My room placement is nice, except for the fact that I don't have working outlets, and I've already sent out a work order for it, so it's just a matter of time until they fix it. For now, I have to charge my laptop in Herman, which I'm fine with, as long as it isn't permanent. Also, my phone is the slowest hcarging thing when using my laptop as a power source, I mean jeez. I kind of want my roommate to fall asleep, so I can change and also, fall asleep. Just the way the room is arranged, our bed are next to eachother on opposite sides of the room, so the middle is only about 4ish 5 ish feet, and she can help but see me when I change, and that's just sort of awkward, especially since she is watching tv right ahead of her. It's awkward. If she falls asleep or turns off her desk light, I will have my chance. But, again, such a small space, I can't help but feel awkward, especially since it's already awkward between us. The whole not speaking thing... I'm so sorry about ypos guys but I got the 10% warning a few minutes ago saying I only had 18 minutes left. I actually have to pee, will I be judged if I leave with jeans off and come back with pajama pants. Oh BTW, my dorm building has A/C that is controlled by us! And my roommate likes it cold. Which I don't mind at all because I love it being cold, I just don't have a blanket, so shorts don't work with just sheets. I want to buy a comforter, but I have no ride to walmart. Oh shit, I just got the I will be turning off in T-minus some amout of minutes. Sorry, that's all you get out of me today. Oh, I am going to continue my fanfics as soon as I get my outlets to work.

Loans and Fanfiction

Phew! So my loan went through! I am going to be able to start school! I've never been so stressed out in my life. I was so tired all the time. I was so tense, My neck was so stiff and my shoulders were so knotted, it was insane. I mean, my shoulder muscles are still really stiff just because they haven't been able to relax in a week. Or at least since Monday. So, I'm leaving tomorrow at 8:15a.m. at least I'm supposed to. Hopefully it leaves on time. It's kind of surreal. I had my mindset ready for, I'm not going to be going to college this year, since I was having all these financial issues this past week, so it would hurt less if I believed it. So, now that I am going to college, I'm kind of not believing it, since I haven't actually thought about it. Wow, I'll be slightly heart broken to leave again. Especially since I'm on my period. And I get fucking emotional when I'm on my period now. Man, but on another note! I need to decide what to do to pass the time. I have a long transfer time and a long wait time for my ride from the airport. I need to start writing my fanfiction again, because I have new follows and favorites every week, and I just feel more and more guilty. I could do that. But I also like quiet when I write, and Chicago Midway Airport is anything but quiet. I've never been to the Columbus Airport, but we'll see what that's like. I don't know if I'll be able to write. In the event that I don't, I have to find games to play offline. Since all my games on this laptop are on Steam I have to figure out the trick to play them offline. But, idk what I'll play. I have Skyrim, but right now I'm grinding wood so I can have a huge chunk of change to buy a good horse, be able to pay off any fines if I am caught doing stealing or sneaking in and I don't want to get caught or kill them. Also, to be able to buy decent armor and weapons. Along with potions and magic. And to be able to buy skills. Since playing Oblivion 2 or 3 times in my life, I know what elements are in the basic game and I know what I want in a nutshell. I also want to make it easier for me, since it is about 15-25 times longer than Oblivion and a lot of that was just travelling and discovering by foot. I'm just not willing to spend a lot of time. All in all, Skyrim would be boring and not entertaining at the moment in an airport. Maybe I'll just Minecraft it up... I don't know, I mean I have the technic laincher too, an dI have a lot of work to do on that world, and I have a lot of building and mining to do in my regular world. Idk. We'll see. If all else fails I have my Kindle App, and I can just read.