I HATE THAT I PUSH PEOPLE AWAY.
I swear! I really swear I'm not a bitch. I just get scared really easily.
I am a confident shit when it comes to friendships and myself and all that shiz, (yes I do realize I said shit and shiz in the same sentence).
Or at least mostly act like it, but I have just really crappy trust issues.
I get really scared. The worst pain I've ever felt is losing friends, specifically best friends. So it really hits harder and harder when it happens repeatedly.
When someone knows me so well I really try very hard to push them away, involuntarily. I don't consciencly think, I AM GOING TO BE MEAN SO THEY WON'T GET TO CLOSE MUAHAHAHA!
No. That's not what happens!!! If it ever does I'll quickly do away with those thoughts.
I really really really try hard. But I don't realize some things until after I do it!
If I ever, ever, EVER, do anything like this to any one who reads this, I am SO sorry and please know I don't mean it, I'm just a douche when I'm scared. It's like when an opossum plays dead, it's a defense mechanism.
To change topics!
Man, I am THIS close to just kissing the next girl (who I find attractive) who passes me by.
I am not at all desperate to prove to myself that I for real like girls. Because I do, hands down I can see myself spending the rest of my life with a girl, and the same can be said with a guy. That's the more interesting thing. I am very attracted to guys but, I don't know if I'd be able to spend the rest of my life with a guy. I mena they are great and all, and the sex can be amazing, but... I dunno, if the right one came around I guess I can see myself doing it.
Pretty weird eh? This is usually what bi-curious people say, the other way around. Most bi-curious people I know have a hard time seeing themselves in a long term relationship with a girl, I have a hard time seeing that with a guy.
I still like them, I find them attractive and I would probably fuck them, it's just much more superficial with them.
ANYWAYS...
I am so sick and tired of waiting. Ugh, I see how people who have never kissed some one get frustrated. I haven't kissed someone in about a year or so, not to say I haven't had the opportunity.
I'm sick of relationships. That must sound weird coming from me, the person who hasn't been in a romantic relationship in 3 years.
I've had several fake relationships. I've had people try to court me, people try to be a fuck buddy, people try and make me their rebound girl, people trying to just plain fuck me, and emotional relationships.
In all honesty DONE.
It just pisses me off. I AM MORE THAN A BODY PEOPLE! I'm sure you would LOVE it if someone tried to fuck you, but I'm done with it. It's great and all of that. But it's just fucking. No passion.
Yo quiero passion! (insert accents where needed, if any)
Now, I'm going to go on a rant about sex and sex related things that apply to me :D
Ugh. I really used to never talk about sex on here. If I did, it pretty much didn't say anything about myself, if I did it was very subtle, if it wasn't. Well damn. But yes plain and simple I've had sex, with a guy, a lot. And an ex of mine likes to believe we've had sex. When he was in transition between two major girlfriends, he texted me for the first time in a year and he asked me and I kinda quote, "Are you still a freak?"
Okay, WTF?! First of all, I never fucking touched you. We talked about sex all the time, we talked about NORMAL sex. So, I don't know what you fantasized about when we were together and afterwards, but we SURE as hell never did anything even REMOTELY freaky. Nor have I ever done anything freaky with anyone else, so fuck off.
I pissed to say the least.
The one guy who I've ever had sex with, knows to not speak a word about it. Considering he said something once in 8th grade and that totally would have bitten me in the ass if it weren't at the end of the year.
My friend, actually my lesbian friend Olivia, in 8th grade (I think) she was part of this scandalous rumor, which was 100% true, that she sucked this guys dick(her boyfriend at the time or later) and a teacher I had, she was very cool and down to earth and not at all a bitch, found out about it like a month or 2 after it happened.
Now me and said guy first had sex in april of 8th grade year but it didn't come out until the ides of may. And even then I was the innocent little girl, shy and unknowing of anything! Now, ironically, Olivia's boyfriend was the best friend of the guy I fucked, and he was defending me through out the rumor. My best friend who I told about it had a crush on Olivia's boyfriend, at this time her ex, and my best friend informed me of this.
Wow. That's kind of funny actually. The first people to ever have sex in my group of friends, and generally in our grade, have gone gay for girls XD
That's pretty hilarious! Nah, we just found out how much guys suck sooner than the rest of the playing field XD
Okay okay!
Now, before I make casual sex sound all fun and shit, I do have my regrets.
Not really the 'Oh I didn't wait' blah blah blah.
It was, that I don't remember if the guy had broken up with my friend yet. She went to different school so it wasn't obvious, so... I'm too scared to ask, but I'm hoping it was over. I really fucking hope it was over.
Which is another reason why I feel so strongly about cheating or more specifically me being the other woman. I don't care if it's a one time deal, I don't care if I really really really want to fuck you, until you break up with your girlfriend I am NOT touching you as hard as it may be.
I am so sorry that this is going on a long major vent, but I've been waiting for years to vent about this.
The other day my friend has been telling me he wants to fuck me, he's been saying so for months now but he has a girlfriend and I would betray her like that. I don't care if it could be an open relationship, or that he;s letting her go off with some girl and he sees it as a fair trade. I. Don't. Give. A. Fuck. I will not ever fucking cheat.
Trust me, I have loved this guy pretty much since I've known him, but other than he's a cheating bitch, and thinks himself irresistible, he is not only very attractive but he's a really cool guy. But i'm done with casual relationships, and I will not do what he's asking me.
ANYWAYS!!!
Hm... Oh! The point I made this video!!!
A friend of mine is apparently unhappy with me or just decided over the weekend that I sucked and she no longer wanted to be my friend.
I'm not to sure about what to do. Being a girl I know what mixed signals are, the ones where you're pissed but won't say you are. and ugh.
I'm half over it, it just caught me off guard. Way to start my week!
On other news! I have lost a whole bunch of weight! Doing absolutely nothing1 Except refusing to eating my mothers food! Yeah!
For sure I'l probably lose silly amounts of weight actually doing some physical activity, but right now I'm on a mission to go and buy me some caffeine pills so I can have energy to do my school work! Because at this point in my life I am way too exhausted the entire day to actually do anything other than sit here and relax.
I should probably cut this down... nah.
I'm thinking of doing some videos on youtube, like on my personal channel about things :D
I have moths to think about it, if I do make some it'll start in the summer.
I still have a lot to think about. A lot.
My life is a mess, like my room.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Yuppers
I have discovered that some people have to bitches (in the flute world) because they have a low esteem when it comes to playing, because being a bitch is the only way they can have enough esteem to believe they can get better and that they will be the best. In the flute world, the competitive flute world, you have to always be on your top game, because the moment you're not there is someone else passing you by and if your goal is to be the best you can't afford to not be on your game.
Everything gets easier when you've reached the top, it's just a matter of maintaining and practicing to become perfect, because if perfect is your goal you'll never stop, because perfect isn't achievable but you can almost reach it.
So, my personality isn't really to be fierce and strong in that way. I'm a bit more passive, but if I want to achieve the best, I'll have to be a beast. I'll act like a bitch in my band setting but in reality I am not and I'll never be that, it's just not me. So I'll live life as usual but no one can know about my passive aggressive ways.
Oh well.
Why? You ask. Why would I do that to myself? Because I need to be the best to achieve my future goals.
It's just understood by every instrument that being a flute player means you are going to have it hard when it comes to getting to the top. Most bands take 5-7 flutes, most orchestra's only take 2-4.
It's a competitive field, it's inevitable.
And on a sub-conscience level, I'm sure I really want to see what it's like to just be a bitch and not give a fuck about what other think or say.
Try everything once aye?
So at Marietta I'm joining the Rainbow club, Ice Hockey Club, women's choir, symphonic band, trying out for concert band, oratorio chorusm, and wind ensemble. Some of them I have to audition for, but I doubt they are that good.
Everything gets easier when you've reached the top, it's just a matter of maintaining and practicing to become perfect, because if perfect is your goal you'll never stop, because perfect isn't achievable but you can almost reach it.
So, my personality isn't really to be fierce and strong in that way. I'm a bit more passive, but if I want to achieve the best, I'll have to be a beast. I'll act like a bitch in my band setting but in reality I am not and I'll never be that, it's just not me. So I'll live life as usual but no one can know about my passive aggressive ways.
Oh well.
Why? You ask. Why would I do that to myself? Because I need to be the best to achieve my future goals.
It's just understood by every instrument that being a flute player means you are going to have it hard when it comes to getting to the top. Most bands take 5-7 flutes, most orchestra's only take 2-4.
It's a competitive field, it's inevitable.
And on a sub-conscience level, I'm sure I really want to see what it's like to just be a bitch and not give a fuck about what other think or say.
Try everything once aye?
So at Marietta I'm joining the Rainbow club, Ice Hockey Club, women's choir, symphonic band, trying out for concert band, oratorio chorusm, and wind ensemble. Some of them I have to audition for, but I doubt they are that good.
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Add On
I'm afraid of that and some kid asking me about what happened to my arm (the scars) and someone asking me about my sexual orientation or my significant other.
I would have edited the other post and add that on, but that's a lot more work XD
So yeah, you should go listen to Uh Huh Her. They are a good band, and it just so happens that Alice from the L word is in that band. I like it, they are pretty cool.
If you don't know what The L Word is, it was an HBO show based on the lives of these lesbians. It is like the the one show almost every lesbian/pansexual/bisexual girl has watch or at least heard of.
It's a good show if you don't mind a lot of hot lesbian sex, which I personally don't, so it was a great show. If you do not like watching a lot of lesbian sex/kissing, you can't skip over the parts, it's like half of the show.
If you don't want to question you sexuality, I wouldn't watch like the first season.
There is this character Marina. The moment she opened her mouth in the first episode 5-10 minutes into the episode, I would have let her have her way with me. Her accent and voice make your clothes fall off and her piercing soft sexy eyes will turn you on to the point of craving her touch. And her body is a plus.
She really doesn't talk, in this clip, which is a bummer, but ah... at least you get to see her :D http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K9W_BwTICsU
This is the first meeting http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jceWCm0VGyI&feature=related
Marina is such a cock blocker, but still.
Now, I fucking hate Marina for destroying Jenny, but SHE IS TOO SEXY TO KEEP HATING HER.
I love her. I died watching this scene. I stopped this scene like 20 times, one because I always feel awkward watching sex scenes, kissing scenes, any scene like that. Which is really weird, but I do, The L Word helped it out a lot, but this was episode one season one, I just couldn't XD
And, yeah, I loved them. Fucking hot as hell.
I think I have filled this post up enough to consider it a post XD
I would have edited the other post and add that on, but that's a lot more work XD
So yeah, you should go listen to Uh Huh Her. They are a good band, and it just so happens that Alice from the L word is in that band. I like it, they are pretty cool.
If you don't know what The L Word is, it was an HBO show based on the lives of these lesbians. It is like the the one show almost every lesbian/pansexual/bisexual girl has watch or at least heard of.
It's a good show if you don't mind a lot of hot lesbian sex, which I personally don't, so it was a great show. If you do not like watching a lot of lesbian sex/kissing, you can't skip over the parts, it's like half of the show.
If you don't want to question you sexuality, I wouldn't watch like the first season.
There is this character Marina. The moment she opened her mouth in the first episode 5-10 minutes into the episode, I would have let her have her way with me. Her accent and voice make your clothes fall off and her piercing soft sexy eyes will turn you on to the point of craving her touch. And her body is a plus.
She really doesn't talk, in this clip, which is a bummer, but ah... at least you get to see her :D http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K9W_BwTICsU
This is the first meeting http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jceWCm0VGyI&feature=related
Marina is such a cock blocker, but still.
Now, I fucking hate Marina for destroying Jenny, but SHE IS TOO SEXY TO KEEP HATING HER.
I love her. I died watching this scene. I stopped this scene like 20 times, one because I always feel awkward watching sex scenes, kissing scenes, any scene like that. Which is really weird, but I do, The L Word helped it out a lot, but this was episode one season one, I just couldn't XD
And, yeah, I loved them. Fucking hot as hell.
I think I have filled this post up enough to consider it a post XD
Friday, March 25, 2011
SDOS
Okay, so I've decided what I want to do with my life.
Today, in Calculus we had story time. Apparently the person who invented Barney, yes, INVENTED, like the creator of, was my teacher's favorite teacher's, the one who made him decide that he wanted to become a calculus teacher, wife.
Through a very unique set of events she had the opportunity to create Barney.
The moral of the story was that you have to have the courage to do what you want, because you have to love what you do, and you have to fight to do it. You must have the courage to do what you want, you always have to go towards the goal even if the goal seems far fetched.
His teacher and his teacher's wife had their first date at a washateria.
Now, I've been going round and round in my mind in what I should study in college. I've been toying with the idea of being a music educator, but if I were to go into that I would almost have to study at the University of North Texas, because every director I've ever had and respected has studied there. Now, it is so freaking ridiculous to get in to the school of music, it is just stupid competitive, and now I play the flute, I have the unfortunate disadvantage of having cut throat competition, so I was terrified of trying and not making it. Like working so fucking hard just to be disappointed.
In class today I saw, I just have to go for it.
I want to be a music educator, it scares the shit out of me because I want to be an influence in the lives I interact with and I want to share my love for music with them all, and I'm afraid of doing something tragically wrong. I can't let that stop me though, so I'm not, I won't.
It's too late for me to apply to the School of Music at UNT, but I wouldn't want to go, I'm not prepared.
I know what I'll do though, in a matter of 30 minutes today I made my plan for the next 6 or 8 years of my life.
I will go to the school that gives me the best deal for my freshman year, I'll get a bank student loan and I'll buy my own good flute and I will practice everyday for at least 2 hours getting better so I'll be worthy of UNT.
I will probably go to Marietta College and I'll join the Women's Choir, try out for the good mixed choir, join the concert band and try out for the good band (which I probably won't get into). I will dedicate my freshman year to music. My life will revolve around it. I will take Music Theory and Aural Skills and such and then my sophomore year I'll try to transfer over to UNT. I can get into that college, it's a matter of getting accepted to the school of music. But I will, I will fight to be the best flute player. I will be the best. I expect nothing less from myself, because I wouldn't feel adequate if I'm not the best.
If in Marietta I'm not the number one flute I'll just have to practice more and harder to become the best.
I'm not that type of person who needs to be the best at anything, it's not my nature to fight for things. Flute's are cut throat bitches because they must be the best.
My hidden nature is that. I will have to embrace it to survive. It will have to be my life. A selfish bitch that only looks out for herself, but I'll play nice with the others so I can get what I want when needed. It's the flute culture. That's how we all are. We play nice and are 'friends' but our minds are always, I'm better than you bitch stop acting like you are even CLOSE to my level, or... you;re better than me, but I sure as hell won't act like you are, I'm weeks of practice away from getting to your level watch out bitch, you have a target on your back and I'm going for the bull's eye. You can ask any flute player, and if they say it's not like that, they either suck so much they've lost hope and they don't think it's possible to catch up, or they are dirty little liars.
I'll have to be the cut throat bitch to get better, unfortunately, but if that's what it takes to motivate myself to be better and become worthy of UNT, I'll fucking do it. There is no point in doing anything half-assed so I'm going for the gold.
It sounds really horrible, like, WHY WOULD YOU EVER DO THAT TO YOURSELF?!
You do strange things when you want to be great at what you do. I'm way behind, play ability wise, so I really need to practice, I need to practice every day for hours when I'm in college, I will eat sleep live music. I will sing during all my free time, I will always have a pack of caffeine pills with me (which I'm going to buy and try this upcoming Monday) so I'll be able to do homework too. I will listen to music the rest of the time.
I love music enough to want to do that with my life. I want to do that. I would love for my life to revolve around music. It probably sounds radical when I say that. It really isn't. It would be normal. 24 hours in a day and I can't imagine anything better than attending 5 hours of music courses, 2 hours of basics, 3 hours of practice, 2 hours of rehearsal, 2 hours of choir rehearsal, 2 hours of voice practice, 2 hours of voice and flute lessons, 1 hour for personal stuff, 3 hours for homework, most of which being music and listening to music. These are all very rough estimations, but why would I spend my time doing anything else? Watching T.V.? Reading(well yes in my free time)? Social networks? Partying(Only on weekends, if I have time)? Video games(Only on weekends or when I'm so beyond stressed)?
I'd rather do music. Depending on what time my first class starts, I'l jog around campus, I'll take a shower, eat(maybe) all while listening to music, get an hour of practice in, do some some homework, then go to class awake and ready to rock. When my classes are done, or if I have a large gap between classes I'll get some voice practice in, then go to my next class or rehearsal and afterwards I'll practice (depending how late the school is open), I'll eat, and then I'll do my homework, then sleep!
That's what I plan on my life being at least my freshman year, maybe a little less hardcore on practice or maybe more, my basics will pretty much be over with after freshman year, so I'll have more time to learn music stuff, and hopefully have an easy time with it.
I'm ready honestly. All I've ever wanted to do is to have music be the center of my life and now it will be.
The hardest thing, will be telling Gil I'm not going to Baylor.
Also! I totally am now a firm believer of the Six Degrees of Separation theory.
Today, in Calculus we had story time. Apparently the person who invented Barney, yes, INVENTED, like the creator of, was my teacher's favorite teacher's, the one who made him decide that he wanted to become a calculus teacher, wife.
Through a very unique set of events she had the opportunity to create Barney.
The moral of the story was that you have to have the courage to do what you want, because you have to love what you do, and you have to fight to do it. You must have the courage to do what you want, you always have to go towards the goal even if the goal seems far fetched.
His teacher and his teacher's wife had their first date at a washateria.
Now, I've been going round and round in my mind in what I should study in college. I've been toying with the idea of being a music educator, but if I were to go into that I would almost have to study at the University of North Texas, because every director I've ever had and respected has studied there. Now, it is so freaking ridiculous to get in to the school of music, it is just stupid competitive, and now I play the flute, I have the unfortunate disadvantage of having cut throat competition, so I was terrified of trying and not making it. Like working so fucking hard just to be disappointed.
In class today I saw, I just have to go for it.
I want to be a music educator, it scares the shit out of me because I want to be an influence in the lives I interact with and I want to share my love for music with them all, and I'm afraid of doing something tragically wrong. I can't let that stop me though, so I'm not, I won't.
It's too late for me to apply to the School of Music at UNT, but I wouldn't want to go, I'm not prepared.
I know what I'll do though, in a matter of 30 minutes today I made my plan for the next 6 or 8 years of my life.
I will go to the school that gives me the best deal for my freshman year, I'll get a bank student loan and I'll buy my own good flute and I will practice everyday for at least 2 hours getting better so I'll be worthy of UNT.
I will probably go to Marietta College and I'll join the Women's Choir, try out for the good mixed choir, join the concert band and try out for the good band (which I probably won't get into). I will dedicate my freshman year to music. My life will revolve around it. I will take Music Theory and Aural Skills and such and then my sophomore year I'll try to transfer over to UNT. I can get into that college, it's a matter of getting accepted to the school of music. But I will, I will fight to be the best flute player. I will be the best. I expect nothing less from myself, because I wouldn't feel adequate if I'm not the best.
If in Marietta I'm not the number one flute I'll just have to practice more and harder to become the best.
I'm not that type of person who needs to be the best at anything, it's not my nature to fight for things. Flute's are cut throat bitches because they must be the best.
My hidden nature is that. I will have to embrace it to survive. It will have to be my life. A selfish bitch that only looks out for herself, but I'll play nice with the others so I can get what I want when needed. It's the flute culture. That's how we all are. We play nice and are 'friends' but our minds are always, I'm better than you bitch stop acting like you are even CLOSE to my level, or... you;re better than me, but I sure as hell won't act like you are, I'm weeks of practice away from getting to your level watch out bitch, you have a target on your back and I'm going for the bull's eye. You can ask any flute player, and if they say it's not like that, they either suck so much they've lost hope and they don't think it's possible to catch up, or they are dirty little liars.
I'll have to be the cut throat bitch to get better, unfortunately, but if that's what it takes to motivate myself to be better and become worthy of UNT, I'll fucking do it. There is no point in doing anything half-assed so I'm going for the gold.
It sounds really horrible, like, WHY WOULD YOU EVER DO THAT TO YOURSELF?!
You do strange things when you want to be great at what you do. I'm way behind, play ability wise, so I really need to practice, I need to practice every day for hours when I'm in college, I will eat sleep live music. I will sing during all my free time, I will always have a pack of caffeine pills with me (which I'm going to buy and try this upcoming Monday) so I'll be able to do homework too. I will listen to music the rest of the time.
I love music enough to want to do that with my life. I want to do that. I would love for my life to revolve around music. It probably sounds radical when I say that. It really isn't. It would be normal. 24 hours in a day and I can't imagine anything better than attending 5 hours of music courses, 2 hours of basics, 3 hours of practice, 2 hours of rehearsal, 2 hours of choir rehearsal, 2 hours of voice practice, 2 hours of voice and flute lessons, 1 hour for personal stuff, 3 hours for homework, most of which being music and listening to music. These are all very rough estimations, but why would I spend my time doing anything else? Watching T.V.? Reading(well yes in my free time)? Social networks? Partying(Only on weekends, if I have time)? Video games(Only on weekends or when I'm so beyond stressed)?
I'd rather do music. Depending on what time my first class starts, I'l jog around campus, I'll take a shower, eat(maybe) all while listening to music, get an hour of practice in, do some some homework, then go to class awake and ready to rock. When my classes are done, or if I have a large gap between classes I'll get some voice practice in, then go to my next class or rehearsal and afterwards I'll practice (depending how late the school is open), I'll eat, and then I'll do my homework, then sleep!
That's what I plan on my life being at least my freshman year, maybe a little less hardcore on practice or maybe more, my basics will pretty much be over with after freshman year, so I'll have more time to learn music stuff, and hopefully have an easy time with it.
I'm ready honestly. All I've ever wanted to do is to have music be the center of my life and now it will be.
The hardest thing, will be telling Gil I'm not going to Baylor.
Also! I totally am now a firm believer of the Six Degrees of Separation theory.
Attraction
I thought of something on a more positive note!!!
This week's topic on a collab. channel I follow(Wevomitrainbows) is 'Attraction'
So this would a good place to talk about it! I can't really talk about what attracts me to girls with really anyone without either making them feel awkward or them being a guy with only superficial feelings towards girls. So this would be a perfect outlet!!!
This may be short because my house is so uncomfortably hot and my laptop is super fucking hot!
Now, the thing that first gets my attention and pretty much keeps my attention are eyes. They don't have to be a specific color they just have to have a certain something. Like I need to be able to just look into them for hours and still not be able to figure out what makes them so amazing.
After the eyes catch my attention you have to have a great personality. You don't have to be positive, but you have to have a sense of humor, you have to have a bit of awkwardness and you must be sure of yourself. Confidence is such a big turn on.
After great personality, other things are just cool bonuses.
On girls I think I would prefer a medium sized cup, if they had short hair, or long hair. Short hair some how seems more attractive.
I love running my hands through hair.
You can't feel awkward about me touching your hair, me staring at you, looking into your eyes, and me being sarcastic, oh! and you have to live with my different tones of voice.
I like nice legs, but I'm not picky really.
I just ask for most of the above.
You must be able to deal with my constant love, my constant randomness, my spur of the moment gifts, my bursts of song, and me not being able to stop laughing at something funny that happens or something someone says.
You must be strong minded and willing to fight about what you believe in
I had a boyfriend once that would not debate with me about anything and it annoyed the fuck out of me, I would have found him way more attractive if he had been more strong minded.
Um... I think that's it. I like any color hair, any color eyes, any color skin. Okay, that last one is a lie apparently. I've never been attracted to a black person or african american, female or male.
You can be any shape, any size, and I tend to be more attracted to the average girl like not a femme or a stud, somewhere exactly in the middle, history has that I'm attracted to the neutral lesbian/bi. Though I do like femmes and I'm not a huge fan of like hardcore studs.
I would like a shorter girlfriend, but I mean, I'm 5' 9" it's very hard to not find someone shorter. If I can hold you standing up and your head can fit perfectly under my chin I will instantly love you even more. I just love that feeling of hugging someone and having their head fit right under mine.
Did I mention they have to be intellectual? I wouldn't be able to stand being with someone that I couldn't keep a good intellectual conversation with every once in a while.
I broke up with my second boyfriend because of that and partially my first boyfriend.
I also found out today that it really turns me on when someone can really explain something, like watching a student really understand something to the point where they could explain it, oh yes.
Now, another post about today shall go up!
This week's topic on a collab. channel I follow(Wevomitrainbows) is 'Attraction'
So this would a good place to talk about it! I can't really talk about what attracts me to girls with really anyone without either making them feel awkward or them being a guy with only superficial feelings towards girls. So this would be a perfect outlet!!!
This may be short because my house is so uncomfortably hot and my laptop is super fucking hot!
Now, the thing that first gets my attention and pretty much keeps my attention are eyes. They don't have to be a specific color they just have to have a certain something. Like I need to be able to just look into them for hours and still not be able to figure out what makes them so amazing.
After the eyes catch my attention you have to have a great personality. You don't have to be positive, but you have to have a sense of humor, you have to have a bit of awkwardness and you must be sure of yourself. Confidence is such a big turn on.
After great personality, other things are just cool bonuses.
On girls I think I would prefer a medium sized cup, if they had short hair, or long hair. Short hair some how seems more attractive.
I love running my hands through hair.
You can't feel awkward about me touching your hair, me staring at you, looking into your eyes, and me being sarcastic, oh! and you have to live with my different tones of voice.
I like nice legs, but I'm not picky really.
I just ask for most of the above.
You must be able to deal with my constant love, my constant randomness, my spur of the moment gifts, my bursts of song, and me not being able to stop laughing at something funny that happens or something someone says.
You must be strong minded and willing to fight about what you believe in
I had a boyfriend once that would not debate with me about anything and it annoyed the fuck out of me, I would have found him way more attractive if he had been more strong minded.
Um... I think that's it. I like any color hair, any color eyes, any color skin. Okay, that last one is a lie apparently. I've never been attracted to a black person or african american, female or male.
You can be any shape, any size, and I tend to be more attracted to the average girl like not a femme or a stud, somewhere exactly in the middle, history has that I'm attracted to the neutral lesbian/bi. Though I do like femmes and I'm not a huge fan of like hardcore studs.
I would like a shorter girlfriend, but I mean, I'm 5' 9" it's very hard to not find someone shorter. If I can hold you standing up and your head can fit perfectly under my chin I will instantly love you even more. I just love that feeling of hugging someone and having their head fit right under mine.
Did I mention they have to be intellectual? I wouldn't be able to stand being with someone that I couldn't keep a good intellectual conversation with every once in a while.
I broke up with my second boyfriend because of that and partially my first boyfriend.
I also found out today that it really turns me on when someone can really explain something, like watching a student really understand something to the point where they could explain it, oh yes.
Now, another post about today shall go up!
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Rabbit
Okay. Now, I've seen this trend in my life since maybe 7th more likely 8th grade, I seem to get so unbelievably depressed around March and April every year since 2007 or 2006. 4 years now. And sure enough, I became insanely depressed around the ides of march, maybe a bit earlier.
The thing about this is, I don't know how to not be depressed around this time. Everything can be going great(like this year) and I just can't anymore in March/April.
I lose all hope in everything and there is no point in anything. Last year was a bit better considering I was dying due to the friendship between me and Gil. That's odd, but it was.
Now this year things were great, but I'm so insanely depressed.
Every single stereotypical symptom.
I am tired
I have had suicidal thoughts
I have wanted to self injure
I am irritable(More than usual)
Felling like I'm worthless
Having all those little voices coming back and telling me that everything is my fault and that I don't deserve to live because of all of my mistakes, character traits, negative personality attributes,, and all of my guilts through out life all at once.
Trouble concentrating
And loss in my interests
Tragic really.
But anyways!
My mind is like out there. It wants things it can't have. UGH.
I'm ALMOST done with Pokemon black I'm a little over 70% done, I'm assuming.
Now, every year since Calculus AB and BC has existed at my school with my Calculus teacher, there has been a shirt.
Every year has had a shirt or hoodie(if you are BC)
This year's was made by my friend Taylor. My calculus teacher is a huge fan of The Beatles! So Taylor decided to make the design of Abbey Road's Cover and replaced the pictures of the faces of the beatles with different pictures of my teacher's face.
IT IS AWESOME!
And I will always wear it because it's awesome.
Now... I wish I had happier news but I have none sorry.
Bye!
The thing about this is, I don't know how to not be depressed around this time. Everything can be going great(like this year) and I just can't anymore in March/April.
I lose all hope in everything and there is no point in anything. Last year was a bit better considering I was dying due to the friendship between me and Gil. That's odd, but it was.
Now this year things were great, but I'm so insanely depressed.
Every single stereotypical symptom.
I am tired
I have had suicidal thoughts
I have wanted to self injure
I am irritable(More than usual)
Felling like I'm worthless
Having all those little voices coming back and telling me that everything is my fault and that I don't deserve to live because of all of my mistakes, character traits, negative personality attributes,, and all of my guilts through out life all at once.
Trouble concentrating
And loss in my interests
Tragic really.
But anyways!
My mind is like out there. It wants things it can't have. UGH.
I'm ALMOST done with Pokemon black I'm a little over 70% done, I'm assuming.
Now, every year since Calculus AB and BC has existed at my school with my Calculus teacher, there has been a shirt.
Every year has had a shirt or hoodie(if you are BC)
This year's was made by my friend Taylor. My calculus teacher is a huge fan of The Beatles! So Taylor decided to make the design of Abbey Road's Cover and replaced the pictures of the faces of the beatles with different pictures of my teacher's face.
IT IS AWESOME!
And I will always wear it because it's awesome.
Now... I wish I had happier news but I have none sorry.
Bye!
Sunday, March 20, 2011
My Wagon
Soo, if this would have happened maybe a week later, I would be okay. But no. I don't think I can do it. I really don't.
I can't keep this up. I... fuck.
As we all know, I lost my grandfather when I was in 4th grade, but I didn't feel that he was gone until 8th grade. And that's when the sadness hit me along with my teenage hormonal imbalances that...
That's what I wrote when I felt really bad. I'm feeling better.
But, I was pretty much turning it down. I felt insanely depressed. Everything I used to do when I felt down. I thought of everything bad I have ever done, anything bad I've ever done to anyone, whether on purpose or on accident. All the bad, the millions of things that weren't my fault but I've easily convinced myself that it all is my fault.
It all came back. I was fighting close it by distracting myself. Because I will do anything and everything to make myself feel horrible. I ate an abnormal amount, which would be called binging. I binged today, not too much, but much more than I should be.
I hate all of that. I feel better now, I didn't reach the suicidal thoughts or the self injuring thoughts.
Well that's a lie, I did think about self injuring. I looked at my scars and I had a Cookish type moment. I thought, "It's not too bad, what's wrong with it? I'm mean sure I'm mutilating myself, but it makes me feel good, it makes me feel better, so what's wrong with it? Other than the fact I am mutilating myself." And you know? I still can't convince myself that there is something wrong with it.
I'm just not in a good place. I'm not depressed but I really want to be.
I know what you're thinking. Who WANTS to be depressed? And I don't know why I do.
It's what I know, I've been depressed since around the age of 13-14 and I don't know what else there is.
In all honesty happiness scares me. Because I can only think of the bad. I will see the black first and then this of the white if you flash a black and white paper.
Ugh, it's a horrible mental problem. I know.
I hate this sooo much.
I should be happy, I'm accepted to a school I really want to go to, someone I would like to fuck wants to fuck me back, I'm a senior, I'm leaving for college in months, I have lost weight, I have a new DS and pokemon black, I have a great best friend, I started talking with another friend, and I have 20 dollars.
You know, even while typing that, I could only think of the bad.
The school is states away and I will have to leave my best friend, the very fuckable person is in a committed relationship but he still wants to, I'm leaving my life and friends forever, I will be in a completely new environment with completely different people in a few months, I am losing weight due to my oncoming depression, I have a DS and Pokemon Black that I went to get this spring break, where I did nothing, in my green station wagon that was stolen earlier today from my driveway, my best friend whatever, I started speaking with my friend and I can only think about how much I didn't do before, I have 20 dollars and someone stole my freaking car that I've made so many memories in and I fucking loved and hoped to keep until I had to leave.
And someone is in my fucking car taking advantage of everything that has happened in there, everything that would have happened in there, all the places it would have taken me, all the places it did take me, everything that it has done for me. And someone fucking stole it.
I keep imagining that there is a reason it happened, that it was supposed to blow up and the people who stole it have now exploded along with my car (which still pisses me off because they don't deserve to die with my precious fucked up car. I keep seeing bad things happening to the car hoping that that's why it no longer resides with me. I keep the illusion that it will just appear outside in my driveway and everything will be okay. I loved that car. I really hope that fate had a reason for someone taking it.
I think my car is a good thing to cry over, a worthy thing to cry about. It is, because I love it. It was a great car. I kind of feel the need to make a small car out of wood or something that resembles my wagon and I paint it green, and then I burn it and spread the ashes every where it took me.
Maybe it's just the nostalgia. But I really loved that car.
I can't keep this up. I... fuck.
As we all know, I lost my grandfather when I was in 4th grade, but I didn't feel that he was gone until 8th grade. And that's when the sadness hit me along with my teenage hormonal imbalances that...
That's what I wrote when I felt really bad. I'm feeling better.
But, I was pretty much turning it down. I felt insanely depressed. Everything I used to do when I felt down. I thought of everything bad I have ever done, anything bad I've ever done to anyone, whether on purpose or on accident. All the bad, the millions of things that weren't my fault but I've easily convinced myself that it all is my fault.
It all came back. I was fighting close it by distracting myself. Because I will do anything and everything to make myself feel horrible. I ate an abnormal amount, which would be called binging. I binged today, not too much, but much more than I should be.
I hate all of that. I feel better now, I didn't reach the suicidal thoughts or the self injuring thoughts.
Well that's a lie, I did think about self injuring. I looked at my scars and I had a Cookish type moment. I thought, "It's not too bad, what's wrong with it? I'm mean sure I'm mutilating myself, but it makes me feel good, it makes me feel better, so what's wrong with it? Other than the fact I am mutilating myself." And you know? I still can't convince myself that there is something wrong with it.
I'm just not in a good place. I'm not depressed but I really want to be.
I know what you're thinking. Who WANTS to be depressed? And I don't know why I do.
It's what I know, I've been depressed since around the age of 13-14 and I don't know what else there is.
In all honesty happiness scares me. Because I can only think of the bad. I will see the black first and then this of the white if you flash a black and white paper.
Ugh, it's a horrible mental problem. I know.
I hate this sooo much.
I should be happy, I'm accepted to a school I really want to go to, someone I would like to fuck wants to fuck me back, I'm a senior, I'm leaving for college in months, I have lost weight, I have a new DS and pokemon black, I have a great best friend, I started talking with another friend, and I have 20 dollars.
You know, even while typing that, I could only think of the bad.
The school is states away and I will have to leave my best friend, the very fuckable person is in a committed relationship but he still wants to, I'm leaving my life and friends forever, I will be in a completely new environment with completely different people in a few months, I am losing weight due to my oncoming depression, I have a DS and Pokemon Black that I went to get this spring break, where I did nothing, in my green station wagon that was stolen earlier today from my driveway, my best friend whatever, I started speaking with my friend and I can only think about how much I didn't do before, I have 20 dollars and someone stole my freaking car that I've made so many memories in and I fucking loved and hoped to keep until I had to leave.
And someone is in my fucking car taking advantage of everything that has happened in there, everything that would have happened in there, all the places it would have taken me, all the places it did take me, everything that it has done for me. And someone fucking stole it.
I keep imagining that there is a reason it happened, that it was supposed to blow up and the people who stole it have now exploded along with my car (which still pisses me off because they don't deserve to die with my precious fucked up car. I keep seeing bad things happening to the car hoping that that's why it no longer resides with me. I keep the illusion that it will just appear outside in my driveway and everything will be okay. I loved that car. I really hope that fate had a reason for someone taking it.
I think my car is a good thing to cry over, a worthy thing to cry about. It is, because I love it. It was a great car. I kind of feel the need to make a small car out of wood or something that resembles my wagon and I paint it green, and then I burn it and spread the ashes every where it took me.
Maybe it's just the nostalgia. But I really loved that car.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
What ever.
Awe! Some people do grow up! Or more specifically, some guys learn how much of a douche they were! Good to know people can still grow and change.
So yup. I am thinking that I will go to Marietta University or College, I still don't know what it is XD I keep forgetting.
OMG GAWD!!! I GOT A DS AND POKEMON BLACK!!!!
I don't even know when I'll do my work, it's so easy to get distracted.
I've dedicated the rest of today to be shower time and Calculus Manual time and when I've done way more than half of what's left, I'll continue playing. :D
Also! I'm sick as a dog :(
Well, not that sick I'm on the edge of loosing my voice and I can't stop coughing, but no sneezing or phlegm.
Hm... I have to TRADE POKEMON WITH WHITE OMG!!!!
I'm sorry, I am so obsessed I've played like 15 hours since yesterday, well in reality like 12ish, the other three were me being distracted texting, listening to music, looking up pokemon stats, distracted youtubing. ETC.
But still, it's alot of time, considering I've done absolutely NOTHING with my spring break. I've laid here, sat here, and sat here doing nothing. I went to the doctor and went to get my ds and shit but I haven't hung out with my friends at all, and I'm not going to.
My mom's motivation to buy me all this crap? So I don't go out and I stay home.
WHAT KIND OF SHIT IS THAT!
Ugh, just cause I'm out mom, doesn't mean I'm doing bad things. Well now it is, but that's because I NEVER FUCKING GO OUT, so I have to get it out of my system for the next century I go through with out interacting with the outside world. I'm looking forward to the summer and looking forward to going to college and making friends that I can hang out with WHENEVER.
So yup...
I still haven't decided what to do with my hair. It doesn't cooperate in any manner. It is a frizzy mass of shit. It will grow exponentially the moment you stop touching it, you can just see it expand visibly.
It's very annoying. ANYWAYS.
i'll figure it out. So I found out that I have lost my appetite. How do I tell when I'm hungry? I look at what time it is and I compare it to the last time I ate and if it's at least 4 hours I'll eat unless I don't feel like moving or stopping what ever I'm doing. It's a shame really.
And my mom just walked into my room speaking very loudly over my low volume t.v. and basically silent room like I wouldn't be able to hear her. YOU'RE A FUCKING LOUD ASS MOTHERFUCKER SHUT UP SPEAK LIKE A NORMAL PERSON YOU FUCKING IDIOT.
Okay. I'm not good yet, but I guess her talking about food didn't help the situation at all.
Whenever I make my mental plans for the days they always fuck it up. Okay, I'm going to shower at 5 eat at 6 do homework at 7 finish around 10ish, play some games, then go to bed. Now. It seems like you can schedule around that, except I have a ocd thing where I need to do things in a certain order, like the above.
Now, set it off and it'll fuck everything up.
Either my mom takes a shower, she yells at me pissing me off telling me that my father(WHO GOD FORBID WE ANNOY) will be home any minute and I should have take a shower earlier, she force feeds me(and by that I mean bitch until the fucking cows come home until I fucking eat), or tells me to do some simple shit she could do if she weren't an idiot but wastes my time because I have to explain to her what the fuck I'm doing and dealing with the slowest fucking internet in the world.
So it fucks with my entire plan, which explains why I tend to not do shit except things that won't piss me off, like playing games which will calm me down.
See, I've known this since about age 15ish 16ish, she fucking watches me like a hawk and hasn't figured it out. Now I would say something but I'm about to get the fuck out of here, and I'm not going to mess with it. I am going to just take it with me like a lot of things about my personality and life style.
Whatever, I'm a bit aggravated now, sorry guys.
Oh, I have pretty much not watched any t.v. but the universal sport channel and they've been playing basically reruns.
Summary of the day? My life is boring and shit :)
So yup. I am thinking that I will go to Marietta University or College, I still don't know what it is XD I keep forgetting.
OMG GAWD!!! I GOT A DS AND POKEMON BLACK!!!!
I don't even know when I'll do my work, it's so easy to get distracted.
I've dedicated the rest of today to be shower time and Calculus Manual time and when I've done way more than half of what's left, I'll continue playing. :D
Also! I'm sick as a dog :(
Well, not that sick I'm on the edge of loosing my voice and I can't stop coughing, but no sneezing or phlegm.
Hm... I have to TRADE POKEMON WITH WHITE OMG!!!!
I'm sorry, I am so obsessed I've played like 15 hours since yesterday, well in reality like 12ish, the other three were me being distracted texting, listening to music, looking up pokemon stats, distracted youtubing. ETC.
But still, it's alot of time, considering I've done absolutely NOTHING with my spring break. I've laid here, sat here, and sat here doing nothing. I went to the doctor and went to get my ds and shit but I haven't hung out with my friends at all, and I'm not going to.
My mom's motivation to buy me all this crap? So I don't go out and I stay home.
WHAT KIND OF SHIT IS THAT!
Ugh, just cause I'm out mom, doesn't mean I'm doing bad things. Well now it is, but that's because I NEVER FUCKING GO OUT, so I have to get it out of my system for the next century I go through with out interacting with the outside world. I'm looking forward to the summer and looking forward to going to college and making friends that I can hang out with WHENEVER.
So yup...
I still haven't decided what to do with my hair. It doesn't cooperate in any manner. It is a frizzy mass of shit. It will grow exponentially the moment you stop touching it, you can just see it expand visibly.
It's very annoying. ANYWAYS.
i'll figure it out. So I found out that I have lost my appetite. How do I tell when I'm hungry? I look at what time it is and I compare it to the last time I ate and if it's at least 4 hours I'll eat unless I don't feel like moving or stopping what ever I'm doing. It's a shame really.
And my mom just walked into my room speaking very loudly over my low volume t.v. and basically silent room like I wouldn't be able to hear her. YOU'RE A FUCKING LOUD ASS MOTHERFUCKER SHUT UP SPEAK LIKE A NORMAL PERSON YOU FUCKING IDIOT.
Okay. I'm not good yet, but I guess her talking about food didn't help the situation at all.
Whenever I make my mental plans for the days they always fuck it up. Okay, I'm going to shower at 5 eat at 6 do homework at 7 finish around 10ish, play some games, then go to bed. Now. It seems like you can schedule around that, except I have a ocd thing where I need to do things in a certain order, like the above.
Now, set it off and it'll fuck everything up.
Either my mom takes a shower, she yells at me pissing me off telling me that my father(WHO GOD FORBID WE ANNOY) will be home any minute and I should have take a shower earlier, she force feeds me(and by that I mean bitch until the fucking cows come home until I fucking eat), or tells me to do some simple shit she could do if she weren't an idiot but wastes my time because I have to explain to her what the fuck I'm doing and dealing with the slowest fucking internet in the world.
So it fucks with my entire plan, which explains why I tend to not do shit except things that won't piss me off, like playing games which will calm me down.
See, I've known this since about age 15ish 16ish, she fucking watches me like a hawk and hasn't figured it out. Now I would say something but I'm about to get the fuck out of here, and I'm not going to mess with it. I am going to just take it with me like a lot of things about my personality and life style.
Whatever, I'm a bit aggravated now, sorry guys.
Oh, I have pretty much not watched any t.v. but the universal sport channel and they've been playing basically reruns.
Summary of the day? My life is boring and shit :)
Friday, March 18, 2011
Relationships and such
In light of certain events I have discovered a few things about myself.
I generally don't talk about relationships, I claim to not care that I'm single, I claim that I want a relationship, and I have odd relationships with the people around me.
Now, this is something I probably will never ever ever ever ever admit ever again. I was insanely hurt and possibly even slightly destroyed when Joey and I broke up. I'd say don't think too much into that like I haven't been, but it was a very hard thing and it tipped me off the cliff. In a sense that I was tired of shit.
The reason I haven't tried to be in a relationship is because I'm scared as hell to do that again. Being in a relationship means I'm devoting myself to this one person, I'm indulging my mind and soul with this person and I'm not at all ready for that, but I don't want anything less than that really.
I'm scared to love someone because I've only been let down and destroyed whenever I get to that point in any relationship, whether with a friend or a romantic one. I'm scared out of mind to do that.
I'm completely comfortable with myself I have no issue throwing myself out there my ego and esteem will not be terribly hurt by rejection, but the acceptance is what scares me. Someone liking me enough to get to know me, to talk to me, to want to be in a relationship. I'm fucking terrified.
I'm slowly getting there but all that is running through my mind as I inch closer to getting there is, what if we do get close, what if I do begin to like you, what if I end up falling head over heels for you? What will happen when we break up, will it be a bad break up? Will it utterly destroy me? Will I hear any of the three words that are not I love you. What if they do love me? What if I can't be what they deserve, what if I have to let them go to find things that are better, will I be able to do that? And if I can what will I do to cope with that earth shattering break in my world?
I can only think of all the negative after the positive. That is certainly not a good thing!
I am terrified of not the relationship, but the impending doom upon the relationship. I know you have to go through a few people before you find the person you will spend the rest of your life with, but man, I don't know.
Was that what that dream so many nights ago meant? I'm not ready for a serious relationship? I'm not even close to one though?
I really don't know, but I do know I'm fucking terrified of moving on, fucking terrified.
I would say more, but I am sick and sleepy and I don't know what secrets I would spill if I kept going, so I will truncate this message he-
I generally don't talk about relationships, I claim to not care that I'm single, I claim that I want a relationship, and I have odd relationships with the people around me.
Now, this is something I probably will never ever ever ever ever admit ever again. I was insanely hurt and possibly even slightly destroyed when Joey and I broke up. I'd say don't think too much into that like I haven't been, but it was a very hard thing and it tipped me off the cliff. In a sense that I was tired of shit.
The reason I haven't tried to be in a relationship is because I'm scared as hell to do that again. Being in a relationship means I'm devoting myself to this one person, I'm indulging my mind and soul with this person and I'm not at all ready for that, but I don't want anything less than that really.
I'm scared to love someone because I've only been let down and destroyed whenever I get to that point in any relationship, whether with a friend or a romantic one. I'm scared out of mind to do that.
I'm completely comfortable with myself I have no issue throwing myself out there my ego and esteem will not be terribly hurt by rejection, but the acceptance is what scares me. Someone liking me enough to get to know me, to talk to me, to want to be in a relationship. I'm fucking terrified.
I'm slowly getting there but all that is running through my mind as I inch closer to getting there is, what if we do get close, what if I do begin to like you, what if I end up falling head over heels for you? What will happen when we break up, will it be a bad break up? Will it utterly destroy me? Will I hear any of the three words that are not I love you. What if they do love me? What if I can't be what they deserve, what if I have to let them go to find things that are better, will I be able to do that? And if I can what will I do to cope with that earth shattering break in my world?
I can only think of all the negative after the positive. That is certainly not a good thing!
I am terrified of not the relationship, but the impending doom upon the relationship. I know you have to go through a few people before you find the person you will spend the rest of your life with, but man, I don't know.
Was that what that dream so many nights ago meant? I'm not ready for a serious relationship? I'm not even close to one though?
I really don't know, but I do know I'm fucking terrified of moving on, fucking terrified.
I would say more, but I am sick and sleepy and I don't know what secrets I would spill if I kept going, so I will truncate this message he-
Monday, March 14, 2011
2 in 1 FEEL SPECIAL
The first one doesn't count if you didn't read it, so not that special.
Anyways.
Earlier last week, to add in on my cryptic mind of my best friend trying to fuck me and me wanting to fuck him back but resisting the urge to for stupid moral reasons. Talking to another guy who wouldn't mind fucking considering we used to fuck a lot, taking a bunch of mock AP exams, learning I sucked them up and having to make the hardest decision on whether to take my Calculus AP exam or not, I was wait listed for Baylor.
Now, this shouldn't bother me, my only incentives to go there is that it would mean more time for me and Gil to hang out and some how in my twisted mind I would finally be able to prove myself some how as a not stupid vindictive bisexual but a cool not cheating chill one to Olivia. I don't know why I feel the need to prove myself but I do.
I didn't think it effected me that much, but fuck man. I really do feel like a failure, it's all my fault of course, I didn't send in my crap in time. But I was rejected to their school of music a month before and this was just another blow to my ego. I feel utterly destroyed by it, and here I am trying to reject my best friends not at all subtle advances when I really really really want it. And then testing the waters with this weird friendship I'm beginning again. And whether or not I feel like I will be able to learn Calculus.
All in all, I've felt like shit this past week. Just like a failure.
Then that dream the other day, I... just not a good week as you can tell.
Today, I woke up not feeling at all better, it was a stormy morning I woke up hot, uncomfortable, and just unfulfilled.
My mom walks in with the mail telling me some stupid shit about shit she doesn't know. I see I got three letters from Marietta College. And I'm just like yeah yeah yeah, GTFO. So finally my mom leaves. And I read these letters and lo and behold I was accepted(though it wasn't my acceptance letter) and I got a scholarship and offered to apply to their Honors College along with an invitation to some event at their college.
I was excited to say the least it was like a new lease on life. I was energized to do things. I felt like less of failure. I'm sort of excited. Because I began to really like this school. The only down side is that it's located in Ohio.
I have to really weigh my options. This school loves me, but I had just resolved myself to be a failure and go to a college instate. This school is exactly what I wanted. Small (1,400 people) good place to work out, good education, honors college, music, Gay-Straight Alliance, non-religion based, co-ed, and a white school.
Now I have a WHOLE other array of things to decide if I decide to go to Ohio.
Fuck.
I do realize I said 'fuck' like a million times.
Anyways.
Earlier last week, to add in on my cryptic mind of my best friend trying to fuck me and me wanting to fuck him back but resisting the urge to for stupid moral reasons. Talking to another guy who wouldn't mind fucking considering we used to fuck a lot, taking a bunch of mock AP exams, learning I sucked them up and having to make the hardest decision on whether to take my Calculus AP exam or not, I was wait listed for Baylor.
Now, this shouldn't bother me, my only incentives to go there is that it would mean more time for me and Gil to hang out and some how in my twisted mind I would finally be able to prove myself some how as a not stupid vindictive bisexual but a cool not cheating chill one to Olivia. I don't know why I feel the need to prove myself but I do.
I didn't think it effected me that much, but fuck man. I really do feel like a failure, it's all my fault of course, I didn't send in my crap in time. But I was rejected to their school of music a month before and this was just another blow to my ego. I feel utterly destroyed by it, and here I am trying to reject my best friends not at all subtle advances when I really really really want it. And then testing the waters with this weird friendship I'm beginning again. And whether or not I feel like I will be able to learn Calculus.
All in all, I've felt like shit this past week. Just like a failure.
Then that dream the other day, I... just not a good week as you can tell.
Today, I woke up not feeling at all better, it was a stormy morning I woke up hot, uncomfortable, and just unfulfilled.
My mom walks in with the mail telling me some stupid shit about shit she doesn't know. I see I got three letters from Marietta College. And I'm just like yeah yeah yeah, GTFO. So finally my mom leaves. And I read these letters and lo and behold I was accepted(though it wasn't my acceptance letter) and I got a scholarship and offered to apply to their Honors College along with an invitation to some event at their college.
I was excited to say the least it was like a new lease on life. I was energized to do things. I felt like less of failure. I'm sort of excited. Because I began to really like this school. The only down side is that it's located in Ohio.
I have to really weigh my options. This school loves me, but I had just resolved myself to be a failure and go to a college instate. This school is exactly what I wanted. Small (1,400 people) good place to work out, good education, honors college, music, Gay-Straight Alliance, non-religion based, co-ed, and a white school.
Now I have a WHOLE other array of things to decide if I decide to go to Ohio.
Fuck.
I do realize I said 'fuck' like a million times.
Rant.
Now this will probably be the only post I will ever make like this, but right now I'm pretty fed up with some people and it is time for me to vent about it. Now the unfortunate thing about this is that it will pretty much center on religion and deities and such in a slandering way. I don't generally ever talk about religion except for explaining what I believe. Much less in a slandering way, because I don't like confrontation for something as stupid as religion. I'm sorry most people will be offended by this post so don't read it if it will. And I apologize for offending anyone in the process.
Religion is probably one of the most stupid things ever invented, god is probably the absurd thing I've ever heard. I mean really, if I fucking went up to you and told you there was a magical being that is anything and everything that created everything and you should believe in everything in the book (presumably the bible) and dedicate your fucking life to please this magical being because you will be sent to the most horrid place ever imagined, you would think I was fucking demented. I would think I was demented.
Now I have to put faith in to that stupid shit so when I die I go to some divine place with everyone else who believed this shit. I mean what the fuck kind of shit is that? I mean, seriously?
Now, what gets me the most is that it has brainwashed so many sensible people waste their life doing a bunch of shit to worshiping this magical being.
Now you say one thing that goes against the bible and people just go ape shit. Like NO how fucking dare you even SUGGEST something like that, and then they go off on a 20 minute rant on all this shit the bible says opposing the topic and you just sit there taking it all like, I DON'T GIVE A FUCK YOU IGNORANT SHIT.
Some of the best people I know are so fucking brain washed. Don't even MENTION homosexuality. They will go fucking crazy. "I don't mind gay people, all the power to them, but just don't go PDAing because I don't want to see that." WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SHIT?! I don't want to see your hetero asshole self choking some girl with your tongue.
Now, gay people getting MARRIED! That would DESTROY the sanctity of marriage? I mean what the fuck. There are more people getting divorced than there are getting married. So heterosexuals can get married multiple times, but GOD forbid that a gay couple gets married.
Why? Because the FUCKING bible said that.
Now, I've had other conversations where religious people tell me not to take anything in Leviticus to heart.
Okay. Let me get this straight, you can PICK AND FUCKING CHOOSE?! NOTHING in life works that way! Either stick with it as is or get the fuck out. You know how far fetched Scientology is? Well, that EXACTLY how crazy Roman Catholicism is.
The only thing that makes Scientology less crazy, is that it hasn't split into a million fucking religions. I mean, what the fuck is that? No, you are EVIL because you believe in my same god and my same bible, but you don't believe in one thing I don't believe so fuck you and go to hell.
Now. If I raised a sheltered person who has never heard of any deity and I introduced to them to the religion they would say great story, but why would anyone believe in that junk.
Why? Because IT IS STUPID. The concept of a god is STUPID.
I see why some people need to have some sense of purpose in life, but it's called LIVING YOUR OWN HAPPINESS. You are trying to please magical being(god) in hopes of meeting his standard. How about you live your life and do what you want living by simple standards of being a decent person.
If everyone just let everyone live in equality with no prejudice, things would be AWESOME.
But nope. We might get over the races issue, and we might get rid of sexuality issues, but we will never get over religion issues. Christians will always hate Jews, Islamic believers, Hinduism, Taoism, Buddhism, Catholicism, Atheism, Agonostics, and anything else you can think of. Islam will forever be split. Catholics will always hate people trying to be happy, and any religion except maybe Christianity.
How Christian is that? To only like people based on their religion?
How stupid is that?
Because of their belief system? Really?
And that goes to every religion. Some are more accepting than others, but all of them look down on certain people.
Call me a hippy, an idiot, the worst names in the book. But I go around getting to know a person and I love them for who they are. I love anyone for their personality and character.
I have earned wisdom some others haven't.
There is a rule at my school in the way the flow of traffic goes around this round rotunda we have. Now during lunch no one goes through tehre by the time I go to lunch. And sometimes no one is there to tell us to go the longer way around. I still go arond the correct way though, because it annoys the hell out of me when I slam into people going the wrong way, and I understand the chaos that would ensue if there were no order. So I follow the rule. The people I walk with generally don't. And when I force them to go the right way they get annoyed at me and ask me why. I tell them it's because it's the rules. They tell me it's a stupid rule. This is where I look at them and recognize they have a religion they follow. And I think, that's what I think about religion.
I don't though, because I respect that they are idiots. But there has to be some order in this world.
I trust that one day the world won't need any religion to be good people.
Why should we be good people?
Because I can't expect someone else to be a good person if I'm not.
I follow the basic rules of nature, I don't kill my fellow man, I respect my fellow man, I treat everyone equally, I understand some people need a crutch, and I also live life how I want to following the above.
Now, I will always think you are an idiot when you trust in a god to lead you in life. I will always think you're stupid when you quote the bible, I will always think you are stupid for looking down on people, but you are my fellow man and I respect what you do and believe.
Now, if you could show me the same courtesy, that would be awesome.
Religion is probably one of the most stupid things ever invented, god is probably the absurd thing I've ever heard. I mean really, if I fucking went up to you and told you there was a magical being that is anything and everything that created everything and you should believe in everything in the book (presumably the bible) and dedicate your fucking life to please this magical being because you will be sent to the most horrid place ever imagined, you would think I was fucking demented. I would think I was demented.
Now I have to put faith in to that stupid shit so when I die I go to some divine place with everyone else who believed this shit. I mean what the fuck kind of shit is that? I mean, seriously?
Now, what gets me the most is that it has brainwashed so many sensible people waste their life doing a bunch of shit to worshiping this magical being.
Now you say one thing that goes against the bible and people just go ape shit. Like NO how fucking dare you even SUGGEST something like that, and then they go off on a 20 minute rant on all this shit the bible says opposing the topic and you just sit there taking it all like, I DON'T GIVE A FUCK YOU IGNORANT SHIT.
Some of the best people I know are so fucking brain washed. Don't even MENTION homosexuality. They will go fucking crazy. "I don't mind gay people, all the power to them, but just don't go PDAing because I don't want to see that." WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SHIT?! I don't want to see your hetero asshole self choking some girl with your tongue.
Now, gay people getting MARRIED! That would DESTROY the sanctity of marriage? I mean what the fuck. There are more people getting divorced than there are getting married. So heterosexuals can get married multiple times, but GOD forbid that a gay couple gets married.
Why? Because the FUCKING bible said that.
Now, I've had other conversations where religious people tell me not to take anything in Leviticus to heart.
Okay. Let me get this straight, you can PICK AND FUCKING CHOOSE?! NOTHING in life works that way! Either stick with it as is or get the fuck out. You know how far fetched Scientology is? Well, that EXACTLY how crazy Roman Catholicism is.
The only thing that makes Scientology less crazy, is that it hasn't split into a million fucking religions. I mean, what the fuck is that? No, you are EVIL because you believe in my same god and my same bible, but you don't believe in one thing I don't believe so fuck you and go to hell.
Now. If I raised a sheltered person who has never heard of any deity and I introduced to them to the religion they would say great story, but why would anyone believe in that junk.
Why? Because IT IS STUPID. The concept of a god is STUPID.
I see why some people need to have some sense of purpose in life, but it's called LIVING YOUR OWN HAPPINESS. You are trying to please magical being(god) in hopes of meeting his standard. How about you live your life and do what you want living by simple standards of being a decent person.
If everyone just let everyone live in equality with no prejudice, things would be AWESOME.
But nope. We might get over the races issue, and we might get rid of sexuality issues, but we will never get over religion issues. Christians will always hate Jews, Islamic believers, Hinduism, Taoism, Buddhism, Catholicism, Atheism, Agonostics, and anything else you can think of. Islam will forever be split. Catholics will always hate people trying to be happy, and any religion except maybe Christianity.
How Christian is that? To only like people based on their religion?
How stupid is that?
Because of their belief system? Really?
And that goes to every religion. Some are more accepting than others, but all of them look down on certain people.
Call me a hippy, an idiot, the worst names in the book. But I go around getting to know a person and I love them for who they are. I love anyone for their personality and character.
I have earned wisdom some others haven't.
There is a rule at my school in the way the flow of traffic goes around this round rotunda we have. Now during lunch no one goes through tehre by the time I go to lunch. And sometimes no one is there to tell us to go the longer way around. I still go arond the correct way though, because it annoys the hell out of me when I slam into people going the wrong way, and I understand the chaos that would ensue if there were no order. So I follow the rule. The people I walk with generally don't. And when I force them to go the right way they get annoyed at me and ask me why. I tell them it's because it's the rules. They tell me it's a stupid rule. This is where I look at them and recognize they have a religion they follow. And I think, that's what I think about religion.
I don't though, because I respect that they are idiots. But there has to be some order in this world.
I trust that one day the world won't need any religion to be good people.
Why should we be good people?
Because I can't expect someone else to be a good person if I'm not.
I follow the basic rules of nature, I don't kill my fellow man, I respect my fellow man, I treat everyone equally, I understand some people need a crutch, and I also live life how I want to following the above.
Now, I will always think you are an idiot when you trust in a god to lead you in life. I will always think you're stupid when you quote the bible, I will always think you are stupid for looking down on people, but you are my fellow man and I respect what you do and believe.
Now, if you could show me the same courtesy, that would be awesome.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
SPRING BREAK FTW
Okay, so I haven't done anything with my spring break yet, I'm just trying to relax and clean my room as of now.
How did it start off yesterday?
I woke up from a bad dream. Yup, and this is where I proceed to tell you what I can remember considering it was yesterday!
So! I had just had this like murdering dream, I played Team Fortress 2 for the first time in months and yeah...
It was like a movie thing where we ran from the cops or whatever. It was pretty epic from what I can still see.
So, it switched from that dream to a bus. So it was a field trip thing on like a school bus, but with random people.
So I sat down, and I was hoping for something. You know that feeling where you can feel something is about to happen, good or bad, but something is about to happen and you hope for something good? Well that's the complex feeling I was experiencing.
And then this girl walked on, a small thing. She was a soft butch, her style was more gangster like, it totally worked. I was instantly attracted to her. I say small, but she was like 5' 3" ish skinny but toned. You could tell she was someone you didn't want to mess with. I some how knew it was a complete act and my goal was to break it to get to her.
She sat behind me, and I acted all cool as I contemplated a plan as I tried to talk to her, she was putting up a nice front, but I kept at it non-relentingly.
You could tell she was getting annoyed at my persistence but I didn't care. I knew I could be good for her so I kept at it. We arrived at our destination and she was gone, I lost her for a little while, but I looked. I looked for her and I finally found her with her guard down. Where we were was basically like what I would imagine the theater district in Houston looks like. I basically followed her to the point she knew I was following her, but I wasn't trying to talk to her. I dunno, it worked. It's like I cared where you are and what you're doing but I'm not going to push my position to ruin your time.
So the trip is done and I'm on the bus, I get on before her. I'm a bit tired and close to giving up because I didn't think I was getting anywhere. When we were going to our field trip destination, she gave me nickname to try and shake me off, I don't exactly remember, it was like huge giant something. I dunno, it was a bit funny.
So she gets on the bus and I'm resolved that she doesn't care, she sits down next to me. I couldn't really believe it, I was basically done. So we talk, now, this is where things get bad. I am very attracted to her blah blah blah, but I was craving for a kiss, and I was getting really impatient. We are talking and I'm trying to judge when to go in for a kiss. And I kept not getting that vibe from her. So I was getting anxious, it was ridiculous really.
Now, there was this guy in the back that I knew liked me and I would be able to probably walk over there and kiss him.
At this point I kept turning around to look at him, he was still sitting back there alone and at a point the girl noticed. She became disheartened at my growing unease, she decided she needed to let me go. She said something along the lines of not enjoying kissing girls or it just didn't feel the same anymore which was my cue to be able to go, she moved to her seat behind me again and I went to the guy.
After that it skipped a few scenes and there I was kissing that guys, then I turn and see the girl.
In the dream I instantly regretted what I did. But I was still there with the guy. The cherry on top this horrible display, I didn't remember if the guy(who I know in real life, though I don't like him at all) was still with his girlfriend. I didn't think about it until like the very end of the dream. "When did they break up?"
I woke up like... what the fuck.
I couldn't believe I did that. I would never do that to anyone. I woke up feeling like the biggest jack ass on the fucking face of the earth. Even in my dreams how the fuck could I do that? Just writing this made me feel so fucking horrible. It wasn't real life, but it's still bad. I can't believe I did that, I am completely incredulous.
I would never pick someone for purely sexual reasons, I would go with the one I liked and felt a connection with. I don't believe I would ever do anything like that. No, I know I would never do that. It's not something just wow.
I'm pretty sure it was symbolism for something else, but man, why did it have to be that? That's just fucked up.
Now for the rest of the week? Going to the doctor, the dentist, and the optometrist.
Getting my Tetanus shot and my Bacterial meningitis shot. I'm super scared for the one that's supposed to hurt like hell.
Probably the worst dream I've ever had for sure.
How did it start off yesterday?
I woke up from a bad dream. Yup, and this is where I proceed to tell you what I can remember considering it was yesterday!
So! I had just had this like murdering dream, I played Team Fortress 2 for the first time in months and yeah...
It was like a movie thing where we ran from the cops or whatever. It was pretty epic from what I can still see.
So, it switched from that dream to a bus. So it was a field trip thing on like a school bus, but with random people.
So I sat down, and I was hoping for something. You know that feeling where you can feel something is about to happen, good or bad, but something is about to happen and you hope for something good? Well that's the complex feeling I was experiencing.
And then this girl walked on, a small thing. She was a soft butch, her style was more gangster like, it totally worked. I was instantly attracted to her. I say small, but she was like 5' 3" ish skinny but toned. You could tell she was someone you didn't want to mess with. I some how knew it was a complete act and my goal was to break it to get to her.
She sat behind me, and I acted all cool as I contemplated a plan as I tried to talk to her, she was putting up a nice front, but I kept at it non-relentingly.
You could tell she was getting annoyed at my persistence but I didn't care. I knew I could be good for her so I kept at it. We arrived at our destination and she was gone, I lost her for a little while, but I looked. I looked for her and I finally found her with her guard down. Where we were was basically like what I would imagine the theater district in Houston looks like. I basically followed her to the point she knew I was following her, but I wasn't trying to talk to her. I dunno, it worked. It's like I cared where you are and what you're doing but I'm not going to push my position to ruin your time.
So the trip is done and I'm on the bus, I get on before her. I'm a bit tired and close to giving up because I didn't think I was getting anywhere. When we were going to our field trip destination, she gave me nickname to try and shake me off, I don't exactly remember, it was like huge giant something. I dunno, it was a bit funny.
So she gets on the bus and I'm resolved that she doesn't care, she sits down next to me. I couldn't really believe it, I was basically done. So we talk, now, this is where things get bad. I am very attracted to her blah blah blah, but I was craving for a kiss, and I was getting really impatient. We are talking and I'm trying to judge when to go in for a kiss. And I kept not getting that vibe from her. So I was getting anxious, it was ridiculous really.
Now, there was this guy in the back that I knew liked me and I would be able to probably walk over there and kiss him.
At this point I kept turning around to look at him, he was still sitting back there alone and at a point the girl noticed. She became disheartened at my growing unease, she decided she needed to let me go. She said something along the lines of not enjoying kissing girls or it just didn't feel the same anymore which was my cue to be able to go, she moved to her seat behind me again and I went to the guy.
After that it skipped a few scenes and there I was kissing that guys, then I turn and see the girl.
In the dream I instantly regretted what I did. But I was still there with the guy. The cherry on top this horrible display, I didn't remember if the guy(who I know in real life, though I don't like him at all) was still with his girlfriend. I didn't think about it until like the very end of the dream. "When did they break up?"
I woke up like... what the fuck.
I couldn't believe I did that. I would never do that to anyone. I woke up feeling like the biggest jack ass on the fucking face of the earth. Even in my dreams how the fuck could I do that? Just writing this made me feel so fucking horrible. It wasn't real life, but it's still bad. I can't believe I did that, I am completely incredulous.
I would never pick someone for purely sexual reasons, I would go with the one I liked and felt a connection with. I don't believe I would ever do anything like that. No, I know I would never do that. It's not something just wow.
I'm pretty sure it was symbolism for something else, but man, why did it have to be that? That's just fucked up.
Now for the rest of the week? Going to the doctor, the dentist, and the optometrist.
Getting my Tetanus shot and my Bacterial meningitis shot. I'm super scared for the one that's supposed to hurt like hell.
Probably the worst dream I've ever had for sure.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
musica
Today I just had a reassuring that music is what I wat to do in life.
I have been fading from music, I had lost all hope. But today, my Calculus teacher asked if we wanted to be a teacher, I raised my hand and I said maybe a music teacher. Then in Choir I had a good day. And Band was boring what ever.
Then in Theory I am doing better (considering I suck at dictation and aural skills). Then I had a clinic for choir and I was reassured that maybe I do want to teach. I defiantly want to be a music something. If I decide to not go to Baylor(considering I got rejected to the school of music for good reason) I will go to Sam Houston State University and sign up for Marching band, I had almost forgotten that I actually do like Marching band, I just got annoyed at not doing things well because of others. I'm actually quite good at it.
So yeah. I'm like. Excited. If this lasts I may do music education. My sophomore year.
Wow, it's been awhile since I've been this excited by music. I cried listening to Phantom Regiment playing 'Lord's Prayer' and their opener from 2007. Both things I've played with my band. It brought back amazing memories.
I have been fading from music, I had lost all hope. But today, my Calculus teacher asked if we wanted to be a teacher, I raised my hand and I said maybe a music teacher. Then in Choir I had a good day. And Band was boring what ever.
Then in Theory I am doing better (considering I suck at dictation and aural skills). Then I had a clinic for choir and I was reassured that maybe I do want to teach. I defiantly want to be a music something. If I decide to not go to Baylor(considering I got rejected to the school of music for good reason) I will go to Sam Houston State University and sign up for Marching band, I had almost forgotten that I actually do like Marching band, I just got annoyed at not doing things well because of others. I'm actually quite good at it.
So yeah. I'm like. Excited. If this lasts I may do music education. My sophomore year.
Wow, it's been awhile since I've been this excited by music. I cried listening to Phantom Regiment playing 'Lord's Prayer' and their opener from 2007. Both things I've played with my band. It brought back amazing memories.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Unoriginal
I'm in the mood of putting off my homework!
So I will tell you guys random stories from random points in my life as they pop in to my mind.
When I went through my bad EDNOS stage I used anything as an excuse to keep going in my self destructive eating, or lack thereof, and one of my many excuses/"motivators" was so MAYBE Gil would like me. Back when I had a thing for him, his name could have been replaced by anyone, it just happens I liked him at the time.
I wouldn't say I'm an emotional person anymore, I might be growing into it again, but when I was younger, around 13-14 I cried about everything and I would laugh at anything, my hormones were crazy. I however wasn't a very horny person, at the time. I laughed to hide the pain of just really not liking myself at all.
In 9th grade after I rejected this guy and was in transition of going out with another guy. The guy I rejected apparently told people he rejected me and because of that I became a lesbian. Most ABSURD thing I've ever heard about myself. This one just was ridiculous. I mean honestly, wow dude, wow. Very mature.
I had a near gay experience at Disney in 9th grade. If I had accepted that I liked girls then, I SOOOOOO would have 'tapped' that. She was curious, I'm assuming from what she said and the vibe she was sending me. Disney would have been my first gay anything, how epic would have that been?!
I do believe, though, that I would have been accepted by my friends, but I would have entered the lesbian scene at my school, and they would have been bad news, they were the over sexual people at my school and they have all left in some way or another now. But my life would have been WAY different if I were out in 9th grade or had experimented.
No lie though, I was attracted to her XD I would have enjoyed the view a lot more if I were out. She wore a cotton thin shirt that was a light color when we went to the park where we rode a bunch of water rides. Ah, I would have been such a perv. And maybe she wouldn't have gotten pregnant, had a baby with a dying guy, and run off for the fear of persecution from her family and church. How ridiculous is that? I think it's ridiculous.
My most interesting high school year was freshman year. 10th grade was boring as hell and 11th grade was great and then uber depressing.
I used to think my old best friend Mercedes was abused by her boyfriend. I've just accepted that I don't like him but Mercedes is fine. She apparently likes him a lot. I've been crossing my fingers for years that they break up. CROSSING THEM.
Some times I just want to kiss the next girl who passes me just out of frustration that I haven't done anything with a girl yet, but I've resolved myself to make it all special, and not a groping/make out session at Disney.
I kind of really want to try drugs. I first tried weed with my cousin and her friends. Yeah, they were crazy, I pretty much was just chill but we only smoked once each, there were like 6 of us and my aunt came up and knocked.
I think my friend Olivia (The only out lesbian in our group of friends) has finally started putting pieces together. She has probably figured out that if I'm not gay, I'm at least partial and that I've had sex. She wouldn't judge, she's a chill person. She's meeting her girlfriend's mom soon XD Good luck to her!
My mother can pretty much set me off with her tone of voice, it will instantly piss me the fuck off and wish death to everything and everyone.
Once, I got my parents to leave me at home after they picked me up because they wanted to go out, this was near the end of last year when I hated the world, and my mom pissed me the fuck off and my dad was off that I always look pissed when I'm with them (Guess what, I AM, catch a hint idiot) so I walked in and slammed the house door as they drove off, and I walked to my room and slammed my door so hard I broke my door frame, it shifted and there is a crack all the way around :)
I have kept every letter from amazing opportunities offered to me, but I have been unable to do anything because I am too poor. It's a reminder that I'll never be this poor when I'm an adult and I have a family, my kids will have an opportunity to do things that I was never able to. I have about 7 letters and I am planning to frame them all together to always remind me of the things I could never have.
I cry an average of 5 times when watching The Fox and the Hound. You know, the Disney movie? Best thing ever.
My classmates never witness me dressing up to go out, or generally caring about my appearance at school. I'm not trying to impress anyone at my school, it is just trying to survive my 7-12 hour day. But I can dress up or at least look hot, I just don't generally do it, only when I think I'm going to meet people who I would like to impress. I'm sure I'll dress up more when I go out in college but my goal right now is comfort. I just don't go all out because I don't own anything really.
I need to go thrift store shopping!
I need a job :/
I am going to buy SO many video games this year, I am going to be so poor.
I would like to get Dragon Age 2, I played the demo a few days ago, it was great.
Portal 2 is coming out in a few months, that will be EPIC, Skyrim of course 11.11.11, don't even TALK to me for that week I am going to relish in gaming. The game looks amazing btw you should check it out if you haven't already, Assassins Creed: Brotherhood is coming out for PC, Pokemon Black or White in the U.S. And I'm sure another hundred games I can't think of, but those are generally the ones I'm not excited for.
If I get accepted to Baylor University, I am going to go there no matter what, I'll get the Student loans if need be (Gives me a chance to buy some games too XD), and I'll try and get a bunch of scholarships.
Partially because I want to show Olivia who I really am. I'm not sure why I feel the need to prove myself, but it might be because we are somewhat alike, and I can somewhat relate to her. Except she is much more outgoing than I. And I'm hoping in college I'll be able to.
Tumblr is awesome, like fo' real.
It's a blast from the past everyday. At the moment? Listening to the Holes song. Remember? The movie that was book when we were in early middle school, A.K.A. 2006ish. With the shovels and the holes in the desert, eating onions, up a mountain, looking for treasure the racist background story? Yeah, that one. Heck yeah.
That's all for now, I've stalled for long enough! Bye
So I will tell you guys random stories from random points in my life as they pop in to my mind.
When I went through my bad EDNOS stage I used anything as an excuse to keep going in my self destructive eating, or lack thereof, and one of my many excuses/"motivators" was so MAYBE Gil would like me. Back when I had a thing for him, his name could have been replaced by anyone, it just happens I liked him at the time.
I wouldn't say I'm an emotional person anymore, I might be growing into it again, but when I was younger, around 13-14 I cried about everything and I would laugh at anything, my hormones were crazy. I however wasn't a very horny person, at the time. I laughed to hide the pain of just really not liking myself at all.
In 9th grade after I rejected this guy and was in transition of going out with another guy. The guy I rejected apparently told people he rejected me and because of that I became a lesbian. Most ABSURD thing I've ever heard about myself. This one just was ridiculous. I mean honestly, wow dude, wow. Very mature.
I had a near gay experience at Disney in 9th grade. If I had accepted that I liked girls then, I SOOOOOO would have 'tapped' that. She was curious, I'm assuming from what she said and the vibe she was sending me. Disney would have been my first gay anything, how epic would have that been?!
I do believe, though, that I would have been accepted by my friends, but I would have entered the lesbian scene at my school, and they would have been bad news, they were the over sexual people at my school and they have all left in some way or another now. But my life would have been WAY different if I were out in 9th grade or had experimented.
No lie though, I was attracted to her XD I would have enjoyed the view a lot more if I were out. She wore a cotton thin shirt that was a light color when we went to the park where we rode a bunch of water rides. Ah, I would have been such a perv. And maybe she wouldn't have gotten pregnant, had a baby with a dying guy, and run off for the fear of persecution from her family and church. How ridiculous is that? I think it's ridiculous.
My most interesting high school year was freshman year. 10th grade was boring as hell and 11th grade was great and then uber depressing.
I used to think my old best friend Mercedes was abused by her boyfriend. I've just accepted that I don't like him but Mercedes is fine. She apparently likes him a lot. I've been crossing my fingers for years that they break up. CROSSING THEM.
Some times I just want to kiss the next girl who passes me just out of frustration that I haven't done anything with a girl yet, but I've resolved myself to make it all special, and not a groping/make out session at Disney.
I kind of really want to try drugs. I first tried weed with my cousin and her friends. Yeah, they were crazy, I pretty much was just chill but we only smoked once each, there were like 6 of us and my aunt came up and knocked.
I think my friend Olivia (The only out lesbian in our group of friends) has finally started putting pieces together. She has probably figured out that if I'm not gay, I'm at least partial and that I've had sex. She wouldn't judge, she's a chill person. She's meeting her girlfriend's mom soon XD Good luck to her!
My mother can pretty much set me off with her tone of voice, it will instantly piss me the fuck off and wish death to everything and everyone.
Once, I got my parents to leave me at home after they picked me up because they wanted to go out, this was near the end of last year when I hated the world, and my mom pissed me the fuck off and my dad was off that I always look pissed when I'm with them (Guess what, I AM, catch a hint idiot) so I walked in and slammed the house door as they drove off, and I walked to my room and slammed my door so hard I broke my door frame, it shifted and there is a crack all the way around :)
I have kept every letter from amazing opportunities offered to me, but I have been unable to do anything because I am too poor. It's a reminder that I'll never be this poor when I'm an adult and I have a family, my kids will have an opportunity to do things that I was never able to. I have about 7 letters and I am planning to frame them all together to always remind me of the things I could never have.
I cry an average of 5 times when watching The Fox and the Hound. You know, the Disney movie? Best thing ever.
My classmates never witness me dressing up to go out, or generally caring about my appearance at school. I'm not trying to impress anyone at my school, it is just trying to survive my 7-12 hour day. But I can dress up or at least look hot, I just don't generally do it, only when I think I'm going to meet people who I would like to impress. I'm sure I'll dress up more when I go out in college but my goal right now is comfort. I just don't go all out because I don't own anything really.
I need to go thrift store shopping!
I need a job :/
I am going to buy SO many video games this year, I am going to be so poor.
I would like to get Dragon Age 2, I played the demo a few days ago, it was great.
Portal 2 is coming out in a few months, that will be EPIC, Skyrim of course 11.11.11, don't even TALK to me for that week I am going to relish in gaming. The game looks amazing btw you should check it out if you haven't already, Assassins Creed: Brotherhood is coming out for PC, Pokemon Black or White in the U.S. And I'm sure another hundred games I can't think of, but those are generally the ones I'm not excited for.
If I get accepted to Baylor University, I am going to go there no matter what, I'll get the Student loans if need be (Gives me a chance to buy some games too XD), and I'll try and get a bunch of scholarships.
Partially because I want to show Olivia who I really am. I'm not sure why I feel the need to prove myself, but it might be because we are somewhat alike, and I can somewhat relate to her. Except she is much more outgoing than I. And I'm hoping in college I'll be able to.
Tumblr is awesome, like fo' real.
It's a blast from the past everyday. At the moment? Listening to the Holes song. Remember? The movie that was book when we were in early middle school, A.K.A. 2006ish. With the shovels and the holes in the desert, eating onions, up a mountain, looking for treasure the racist background story? Yeah, that one. Heck yeah.
That's all for now, I've stalled for long enough! Bye
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
MZVFTH
What did I do with my day?
WELL!
We had State testing today. Now, normally I wouldn't this excited about it, except for the small fact that I took my exit levels LAST year. Meaning that I basically didn't have school today!
I went to school for like an hour. Then me and some friends went to the park and played in teh playground like little kids. Then we had some breakfast, decided there was absolutely nothing to do on our side of towm so we went to one of our house's and we played games watch funny youtube videos, I showed them that one from a few posts ago, and then we watched the most epic thing ever.
We went on Netflix and we were in the mood for horror and then after a good 5 minutes of not finding anything we decided on a zombie horror movie. Now, this is where things got a bit awesome.
We stumbled upon a movie called...
wait for it...
wait for it....
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
Mutant
Zombie
Vampires
...
...
...
...
From
...
...
...
the
...
...
...
Hood
Mutant Zombie Vampires from the Hood.
We had to, there was a mutual agreement that we would watch this. We had to see it.
I mean, it was just too priceless. It's just fucking awesome.
So it's the stupidest best thing you'll ever watch. It was good in a weird way! Oh my god, we couldn't watch the whole thing so we skipped to the end half way to the end.
It's like a parody, so it was okay. It was meant to suck.
It was omg, no words could really describe it.
I wore a super awesome V-neck I liked it.
So...
I weighed myself on a reliable scale today. I weigh 177.6 with all my clothes/jacket on. Now, I would be very disappointed in this number. Except that the scale at my house was telling me a WHOLE different number a few moths ago. Now, i don't know if it's reliable I will weigh myself tomorrow when I get home to see if it was reliable.
I am still losing weight from my normal doing nothing and just not eating a lot because I'm not hungry. I could forget to eat in college, considering ya know?
At one point in my life (dark ages) I was dead set on 112. It was my goal weight. I doubt I would be happy with it but it was my goal (OMG I JUST PROVED A POINT TO A DEBATE I HAD ON FRIDAY)now I'm just happy losing weight until I find a place where I'm 100% good with my body.
I AM SO SEXUALLY FRUSTRATED OMFG!
Just saying.
Anyways! Last Wednesday when me and Gil hung out, we were leaving the school after he did whatever he was going to do and Karen and Twin(his girlfriend) pop up in front of us. It was one, really odd, and convinient.
If it were just Twin that would have been awkward, if it had only been Karen it probably would have been boring for Gil.
So me and Karen talked while Gil and Twin spoke. She was like, you haven't done anything, right.
So I was insanely confused. I was like What?! And then I realized (with the context clue of the look she gave me) she was talking about me having sex.
In my head I was like, "Oh hunny! I haven't even been touched by another human being in a sexual way in about a year!"
So things about that last statement have changed, and I'm not sure how I feel about it, but we'll not talk about that later, well maybe, I'm not sure yet.
I have NO idea what I'm going to do with my life. I don't know what I want to do. It's a mess really.
I'm hating choir, that's becoming a pain, and I love Skins :D
I think that's all for now...
MUTANT ZOMBIE VAMPIRES FROM THE HOOD!!!
WELL!
We had State testing today. Now, normally I wouldn't this excited about it, except for the small fact that I took my exit levels LAST year. Meaning that I basically didn't have school today!
I went to school for like an hour. Then me and some friends went to the park and played in teh playground like little kids. Then we had some breakfast, decided there was absolutely nothing to do on our side of towm so we went to one of our house's and we played games watch funny youtube videos, I showed them that one from a few posts ago, and then we watched the most epic thing ever.
We went on Netflix and we were in the mood for horror and then after a good 5 minutes of not finding anything we decided on a zombie horror movie. Now, this is where things got a bit awesome.
We stumbled upon a movie called...
wait for it...
wait for it....
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
Mutant
Zombie
Vampires
...
...
...
...
From
...
...
...
the
...
...
...
Hood
Mutant Zombie Vampires from the Hood.
We had to, there was a mutual agreement that we would watch this. We had to see it.
I mean, it was just too priceless. It's just fucking awesome.
So it's the stupidest best thing you'll ever watch. It was good in a weird way! Oh my god, we couldn't watch the whole thing so we skipped to the end half way to the end.
It's like a parody, so it was okay. It was meant to suck.
It was omg, no words could really describe it.
I wore a super awesome V-neck I liked it.
So...
I weighed myself on a reliable scale today. I weigh 177.6 with all my clothes/jacket on. Now, I would be very disappointed in this number. Except that the scale at my house was telling me a WHOLE different number a few moths ago. Now, i don't know if it's reliable I will weigh myself tomorrow when I get home to see if it was reliable.
I am still losing weight from my normal doing nothing and just not eating a lot because I'm not hungry. I could forget to eat in college, considering ya know?
At one point in my life (dark ages) I was dead set on 112. It was my goal weight. I doubt I would be happy with it but it was my goal (OMG I JUST PROVED A POINT TO A DEBATE I HAD ON FRIDAY)now I'm just happy losing weight until I find a place where I'm 100% good with my body.
I AM SO SEXUALLY FRUSTRATED OMFG!
Just saying.
Anyways! Last Wednesday when me and Gil hung out, we were leaving the school after he did whatever he was going to do and Karen and Twin(his girlfriend) pop up in front of us. It was one, really odd, and convinient.
If it were just Twin that would have been awkward, if it had only been Karen it probably would have been boring for Gil.
So me and Karen talked while Gil and Twin spoke. She was like, you haven't done anything, right.
So I was insanely confused. I was like What?! And then I realized (with the context clue of the look she gave me) she was talking about me having sex.
In my head I was like, "Oh hunny! I haven't even been touched by another human being in a sexual way in about a year!"
So things about that last statement have changed, and I'm not sure how I feel about it, but we'll not talk about that later, well maybe, I'm not sure yet.
I have NO idea what I'm going to do with my life. I don't know what I want to do. It's a mess really.
I'm hating choir, that's becoming a pain, and I love Skins :D
I think that's all for now...
MUTANT ZOMBIE VAMPIRES FROM THE HOOD!!!
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