2 in 1 FEEL SPECIAL

The first one doesn't count if you didn't read it, so not that special.

Anyways.

Earlier last week, to add in on my cryptic mind of my best friend trying to fuck me and me wanting to fuck him back but resisting the urge to for stupid moral reasons. Talking to another guy who wouldn't mind fucking considering we used to fuck a lot, taking a bunch of mock AP exams, learning I sucked them up and having to make the hardest decision on whether to take my Calculus AP exam or not, I was wait listed for Baylor.

Now, this shouldn't bother me, my only incentives to go there is that it would mean more time for me and Gil to hang out and some how in my twisted mind I would finally be able to prove myself some how as a not stupid vindictive bisexual but a cool not cheating chill one to Olivia. I don't know why I feel the need to prove myself but I do.

I didn't think it effected me that much, but fuck man. I really do feel like a failure, it's all my fault of course, I didn't send in my crap in time. But I was rejected to their school of music a month before and this was just another blow to my ego. I feel utterly destroyed by it, and here I am trying to reject my best friends not at all subtle advances when I really really really want it. And then testing the waters with this weird friendship I'm beginning again. And whether or not I feel like I will be able to learn Calculus.

All in all, I've felt like shit this past week. Just like a failure.

Then that dream the other day, I... just not a good week as you can tell.

Today, I woke up not feeling at all better, it was a stormy morning I woke up hot, uncomfortable, and just unfulfilled.

My mom walks in with the mail telling me some stupid shit about shit she doesn't know. I see I got three letters from Marietta College. And I'm just like yeah yeah yeah, GTFO. So finally my mom leaves. And I read these letters and lo and behold I was accepted(though it wasn't my acceptance letter) and I got a scholarship and offered to apply to their Honors College along with an invitation to some event at their college.

I was excited to say the least it was like a new lease on life. I was energized to do things. I felt like less of failure. I'm sort of excited. Because I began to really like this school. The only down side is that it's located in Ohio.

I have to really weigh my options. This school loves me, but I had just resolved myself to be a failure and go to a college instate. This school is exactly what I wanted. Small (1,400 people) good place to work out, good education, honors college, music, Gay-Straight Alliance, non-religion based, co-ed, and a white school.

Now I have a WHOLE other array of things to decide if I decide to go to Ohio.

Fuck.

I do realize I said 'fuck' like a million times.