Mhmm

I should start following more people, it's very awkward that I'm the only one on my Blogger feed.

Anyways. I'm in this sort of damn... I forgot the word. Like suspension of time and space.

I can't really do anything.

I feel trapped in a sense.

I'm really hoping college breaks me out of this.

It's frustrating.

I only know the same people. I hold the same feelings for the same people and it's getting old. For me.

I haven't really told anyone I like girls.

Karen knows for sure. When or how I told her, I don't remember. But I know she knows. Kristine possibly knows. I'm not too sure.

It's kind of a burden.

I mean. I know I like girls. It's a bit bothersome that I don't feel right calling myself bisexual. Mostly because for me it's a 75 25 percent thing. I can't really call myself a lesbian though. It's very confusing. So I just say I like girls because it's assumed that a girl likes boys.

I don't know.

To put it simply I like girls along with boys. I tend to prefer girls but I still like boys too.

I don't really know. Unfortunately the world is just so stupidly complicated. Why can't people just like everyone with out it being a big deal.

People are stupid.

Ugh.

Anyways.

Minecraft! Is basically my ... I forgot this word too. My vocabulary is disintegrating before my eyes!

It's my buffer for all my anxiety in a way. I'm just concentrating on it.

It's pretty ridiculous.

Anyways. I'm done. I shall speak to you guys later!

And if you need someone to speak to about anything I'm always here, whether it be here in my comments via email or by phone call or via text. I'm here for you whenever you need it.

Mostly Skins Post

Now, if you've never watched Skins.. Go do it.

Ah, jk jk, but seriously great show.

As you can tell from the title of this post it's going to be about skins specificaly the upcoming series.

Ignore all my grammar and spelling errors, I'm tired(as usual) and I'm not really paying attention to what I type I'm just trying to type as fast as I can slow down my thoughts.

--

So series what 6? There is that new guy and I dunno if I'll like him. We'll see.

However I don't like Matty and I can tolerate his brother(who's name I don't know).

So Skin tweeted that there would be secret relationships and sexual awakenings.

Now as we ALL know Franky and Mini have this spark between them. And Mini is going to realize she's either gay or can go both ways. I don't really mind which is which because, yeah Freya is pretty hot. Now if Matty can GTFO and leave Franky alone that would be great. We also know Franky is a bit messed up due to reason unknown but can be easily assumed.So I'm voting she'll go towards Mini and they'll be a secret couple. So many possibilities!!!I dunno, i kinda hope Matty goes gay for the new guy.

Just gtfa from Frany, please and fuck off.

I'm gonna go ahead and ship Franky and Mini.

--

Also, I'm writing this because i'm stalling. I'm going to make this epic world on sp minecraft and I have so much to do that I don't know what to do next or what I'm going to do. Considering it's all really boring excavating right now.

Everyday I keep finding these small things that I've always thought or always felt that make it super obvious that I've liked girls for my entire life or at least the majority of it.

I really had to shift my thought process to convince myself otherwise.

I find that both impressive and disheartening.

When I have kids, I am going to make damn sure they feel perfect just the way they are and anyone who says otherwise can suck it.


I'll even have it on a plaque over the front door so we can all see it everyday!

Washington D.C.

I came back from Washington D.C. yesterday, after a semi sad goodbye to everyone in the program. I ate.

I don't know if our director just has horrible taste or Washington D.C. just has bad food.

Pretty much everyone agreed. The food was just not good. Not like my Houston food.

We went to this buffet the first day.

God awful.

It was like this place called Golden Corral here and most of us hate that because the food isn't great.

Yeah... I will never say another bad thing about Golden Corral. The buffet we went to, Old Country Buffet, was terrible. I don't know how it was edible.

As fucking disgusting that was, our last day, we went to. Hard Times Cafe.

That was throw up material.

We get there, the food is on the counter(granted we got there late), the place already looked sleazy and jank from the outside and inside, as we wait after we get our drink this small roach appears on the wall next to our table. So we thoroughly freak out.

After it is out of sight we calm down and we start receiving our food.

My 3 friends at the table with me got this burger.

It was burnt.

Pretty much everyone's burger was burnt.

I got the boneless wings.

The sauce was like 90% vinegar and 10% hot sauce.

Then as we're done picking at our food and returning it.

Another roach, or maybe the same roach, appears on the wall directly behind me.

So. Little tid bit about me. I don't play with roaches. If there is a roach near me, I will be very far away from it. I will freak the fuck out. I don't know why, I just really hate roached.

So, we're at a booth and I immedietly slide directly on top of my friend who is terrified of bugs. All bugs, but she was just so done with the place she didn't give a fuck.

So, I'm just like, okay. Calm cool. Son't freak out too much.

Then it gets closer to me (according to my friends facing the wall behind me, I couldn't see shit).

I basically push my friend off the seat as I try and get closer to the end of teh chair.

Then I'm talking to my friends and they get very wide eyed and are like oh shit, or something along those lines as they both stare at the same spot behind me.

According to my friend I fly out of the seat. I throw my phone to my right because I wasn't holding it tightly and I moved extremely fast.

Some how my phone ends up hitting a chair to my left.

I don't even understand, I distinctively remember throwing it to the right.

My friend Taylor is laughing her ass off. From shock, fear, and just the crap that had just happened this entire trip.

I am laughing due to the fact I made pretty much a fool out of myself and nervous reaction to fear.

She then proceeds to tell me after like a good minute how I new it fell down.

I had no fucking idea. I told her I just saw her and Carina's eyes get really wide and I wasn't going to wait to see what was gonna happen.

So, then my friend Alex kills it. So I sit down again.

Then they look behind me after we eat this brownie they gave us, and there is another fucking roach behind me. Needless to say I reacted about the same. I couldn't stand up fast enough.

My friend killed it with her chancla.

So I'm pretty much done with the place and at last we fucking leave.

Earlier that day we went to The Portrait Museum.

After hanging out awhile we decide to go downstairs and my other friend decides to go upstairs. So me and Carina plan to go downstairs via elevator. Some how she breaks it. So we end up using the other elevator that is going up and we're like sure whatever we'll find our friend who is up there. Then Taylor pops out of no where and calls Alex and we follow.

We go into this pitch black room except for this abstract painting that was like a shape landscape and was in a 3D type layout and it spread onto the floor. It would change colors and. Man, it was intense.

I stayed there for teh remaining 20 minutes tryong to figure out how it fucking changed colors. after giving up I tried to figure out what it was. What it represented. Then I gave up and tried letting the piece speak to me (I do this all the time with music when I don't understand what it is trying to tell me), and I sit there and I enjoy it.

When I let all logic go, I felt it.

It made me angry, sad, happy, at peace, and everything at once.

I don't know how to describe it.

Taylor later told me she spent a really fucking long time there. Then Alex and Carina left and we just sat there, then Ryan and Dani came in and after a few minutes Alex comes in and tells us we have like 3 minutes. We give it a long look for a second( because we didn't register Alex was there we only recognized him, so we kept looking at the painiting while he talked).

We didn't have to really give teh piece another look. We had seen teh rotation several times we knew it andd it knew us.

I probably sound crazy but it's a really trippy experience.

Taylor and I tried to explain what it was.

OUr conclusion? Emotion.

We experienced all teh same things after we threw logic into the wind.

We felt like we hit nirvana.

We felt light like we were just gliding along and out of teh world. The world kept shifting under us after we left. It was just wow.

We went across teh street to the Spy museum and in line we kept feeling it.

You know that feeling when you're on an airplane and you're rising in your seat as the plane ascends?

It felt kind of like that.

But while experiencing every feeling at once.

Just something you can't really explain. My description can't even do it justice.


If you ever decide to go to D.C. I recommend spending a good 3+ hours at the Newseum. That place is legit.

Visit the JFK performance center.

Go to the captiol building.

Going to the White House tour isn't worth it. Trust me.

The Holocaust Museum is a must. I didn't visit it but I've gone to the one in Houston several times and I hear it's twice as good and the one in Houston is really moving.

Go the the Washington monument.

Take teh double decker tour. Both of them. The day and night tour. Just make sure it isn't fucking 100 degress out. Be on top. And watch out for braches. It's a good tour.

Oh and go to Union Station that place is beautiful.

If you appreciate art and architecture.

Washington D.C. is fucking amazing to view.



It was an okay experience.


Also. I'm extremely distraught. I have about 8 days to fugure out where I'm going to get 6,000 dollars give or take to pay for college.


It's been a pretty rough week.

I just pretty much feel like throwing up, crying, and lying in a fetal position every second of every day now. Extremely unpleasant. It's kind of like when I was an inch away from killing myself everyday when I was younger, except I'm not completely shrouded by my own hopelessness, I have a positive outlook that it will work out, somewhat.

Doesn't stop stop me from feeling hopeless and restless, though.

Great way to spend the rest of July.


Pretty much I'm just going to just survive this.

The outcome isn't in my hands.


*Sorry about all the typos. I'm too exhausted fix it, and my hands are trying to rmemebr how to use a keyboard not a phone.

**I hope everyone is doing well, hopefull way better than me. If not, you know I'm always here. No matter how fucked up I am or how I'm feeling, I'm never to busy or emotional to help you in pretty much any shape or form.

I have a lot to say right now, but it's late and typing long things on a phone is aggravating.

I'm super fucking stressed I need some type of a fucking release.

I basically had a major outburst of fear when there were these baby cockroaches near me.

Today is my last day in Washington D.C.

I drank coffee like an hour ago, a full cup of black coffee(it wasn't that great).

My chaperon is either a homophobe or really really hates homosexuals.

She tried to disprove a simple science and was insulted when a scientist said some girl was a prodigy due to her brain because she thought it was a miracle.

I got my schedule for college today. I'm going to die.

I'm too afraid to count the hours.

My friend thinks I'm straight. I'm telling her tomorrow I'm about 75% gay, 25% straight.

There are a lot of hot girls in D.C. But not a lot of attractive guys.

And! Have you seen the 'Two Bodies' or the guy version of Freaky Friday, trailer? Did you see Olivia Wilde in it? Drop dead gorgeous. Wow. I was drinking my coffee when it came on and at the end she appeared behind the ratings and I literally just stoppped and stared,

It doesn't help that I'm half in love with Olivia Wilde.

Good Night and Good Morning.

Today was interesting.

Well, no not really, it's actually more stressful. I got a message that I need to choose between two things basically.

I also have to deal with my mail and this ridiculous list explaining everything that is me and music and it's past.

Also, I really am getting more and more tired in the morning.

I saw my congressman, and what I assume in secret service panic and have everyone leave an area. Cool, nah not really.

We did go to the Newseum.

That place was intense. I don't know if you have ever seen several pulitzer prize photos, but it is sad. Seeing all of them, to-date, one after another is extremely depressing. And then I went to the 9/11 floor. I saw the antenna debris and a video about. I was pretty much almost in tears the entire time I was looking at the pictures all the newspapers from around the world with the front page being about 9/11, and the video. Oh and all the depressing pulitzer prize photos.

It was an intense sad feeling. And you know I'm a total pussy when it comes to anything sad or extremely happy.

I will bawl my fucking eyes out. I was shaking though. I couldn't stop that. I didn't cry though I fought it hard.

Yeah. That's about it XD

Ice cold watah, one dollaah! One dollah ice cold watah! Ah, I love d.c. Hobos.

Today was fun! Way better than annoying, hot, sweaty, branch ridden, over priced water, and douchy boat tour people yesterday.

I don't remember what I wrote about yesterday, it was a long day.

Today, however, my good friend Taylor had us play Werewolf on her ipod, all 15 of us while we took a really long time to get places. It was fun. And really loud, everyone hated us XD

Then when we got to the hotel we met on the patio outside the patio(at 10:10ish) and started playing. I of course died the fist time because my love was lynched.

First game I was voted off, after I raised my hand as the last vote for my demise. Of course I was an innocent villager. Then again the second game I was mauled, then I was the seer, but we lost, because there was a three-way lover triangle thing, so it screwed me and the other villagers over.

Of course the last game, I was brokenhearted XD


Now the real reason for this post.

I usually blog about things I feel extremely emotional about, but crying over my life isn't possible really, so I write about them. Or I write about things I can't really tell anyone.

If you hadn't guessed already.

Today my friend sent me a group message on facebook about her blog, and how she has one.


So I started reading through it and then I saw that she had a really hard time with her boyfriend and how she didn't feel gorgeous or now she was at all attractive.

Now, she isn't model like, but she was my first serious girl crush. I liked her for a very long time. I thought she was beautiful, funny, smart, talented, and so much more. And I'm reading through it, and the farther it goes back in time the more sad she was.

She was describing her relationship and how it was onesided and she never felt happy and it felt like a job and she kept describing what she never got.

I would have literally done everything she said and more. She deserved better and I'm glad she has a better boyfriend. If she's happy with him, I'm happy. We don't really talk anymore, but I still love my friend. She is fucking awesome. No matter how much of a bitch she is.

Some people I'm just not going to forget and she is one. Of them.

I also realize that I think I'm ready. Seriously. I think I've actually finally matured to the point where I can actually treat someone correctly.

This blog should be called, tales of a person who will probably never have a relationship.

So, I'm in Washington D.C. Well, a hotel in Virginia, at 12:49 a.m. eastern time. It's so weird.

The one week I'm out on vacation, is the one week in which I have a bunch of shit to do. I was invited out by Gil to hang out with him and a small group of our friends and yeah. Completely and totally lame. Now I'm getting important stuff from marietta in the mail. I finally was called by my advisor who happens to be my music ed. Teacher, my band director and like my everything teacher, and so I set up my schedule kinda.

It's not for sure yet. Ugh. He also told me about all this shit I need to do to get into the school of music. Very frustrating.

More like stressful. I need to be at home to deal with all of this, my phone internet can only do so much. So lame. I really want to just relax. But nope. I have to worry about my financial aid, my tuition, my audition, getting to ohio, finding my damned books. Buying stuff for my dorm, waiting to find out who my roommate is, paying tuition by Aug. 2.

FML

Oh! I can't believe I forgot, silly me.








WE FUCKING LOST TO FUCKING JAPAN AND I HAD TO MISS THE FUCKING GAME. BECAUSE MY INTERNET DIED!!! WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?!?

I was so pissed. I was watching the play by play thing that I had to refresh like every five seconds. That's how I watched the game. And when penalties were going, I was on my way to the bus to go to the airport. And I found out we lost literally a minute before I got there. So fucking, pissed. Fucking Japan.


Stupid. I was really pissed.

My second plane ride(the first when I was about 3 months old), wasn't terrifying like I thought it would be. It was fine. People next to me had to think I was crazy. Because seriously, I kept mouthing(singing) to myself and at times singing to myself. Watching friends bloopers, watching part of lion king, and playing a game on my ipod classic.

I'm a nut. I actually felt a bit comfortable with them. I had window seat and a random couple who I infer were from D.C. They were just visiting houston.

Weird I know.

Anyways. I'll talk to you guys later.

Bye!

Oh and by the way, to all my followers and my random stalkers which I hope are my friends just not showing their face. Um, you can call me or text me at 832-607-8663

I will most likely answer always. After the first time and you leave a voicemail, if you had no idea I get a lot of calls from random companies and random places for someone who uses my number I guess to get out of things. I'll always answer texts. I'm pretty much available always.

So if guys ever need anything, a person to talk to, a scapegoat, an alibi(XD), or just someone to distract you, I'm here. I'm pretty much a pro at trying to be funny. :D

Okay. Now bye, because I have to figure out how to check if any of the blogs I follow have posted recently. I think I'm going to have to actually go to individual blogs. That'll be lame!!! But I'll do it!

Again... BYE! :D

Just my luck.

We all have heard my Disney story.

The one were I go to Disney with band and after a series of events I end up hanging out with some new kids and they end up accepting me and one of them turns out to have a crush on me and is just completely crushing on me the entire time.

Now the part I doubt I've told you guys is that I also grew extremely find of her. I completely repressed anything I felt and when I was finally starting to warm up to the idea of me actually maybe having feelings towards a girl we somehow grew apart. Oh we grew apart because her group of friends started crumbling and my friends grew stronger after the series of events.

So, yeah. After analyzing it now that I'm not afraid of actually liking a girl and I actually welcome the idea, I have come to realize I actually did start liking her. And you know it was nice feeling wanted by someone who I'm assuming liked me for purely physical reason and she then liked my personality. But you know she was scared about what she felt because she was devout Catholic and everything she was taught was against what she felt. It probably would have been a what happens at Disney stays at Disney.

And come on I was a stupid freshman, commitment meant absolutely nothing. I wasn't sensitive in the least.

Now that I look back, I would totally have been the more manly of the two of us. I was basically there for her and I did very stereotypical things that a man would do in a stereotypical relationship.

You know, it's known as good mannerisms and not being a bitch, but you know, I thought I'd be specific to some extent.

Man. That would have been a fun relationship if I weren't a bitch and repressing of the things I felt, and if she weren't afraid of God and what she felt. It would have been fun.

Do I have to go back to Disney to find a potential relationship like that again? Is it like a every 4 years type thing? It's coming up on 4 years this March. Maybe? One can only hope right?

It's just so frustrating being single.

It's just been a fucking long time. Ugh. I just want what could be a cute relationship.

I'm great now, I've learned, I know what not to do now, I've learned how to treat someone right.

Only I would get a bunch of relationships when I was a bitch and an asshole and not when I can actually love and respect someone.

Just my luck.

Ugh, One, my mental math fucking sucks.

Just thought you should know!

I'm watching Welcome to the Riley's

Awkward as hell. I guess it doesn't help that it's about Kristen Stewart being a stripper.

NOT as bad as Chloe, that was fucking bad.

Fuck it, never fucking watch it.

It has a sex scene between

(I know, it's not starting off bad.)

and

Which is like *throws up*

It probably wouldn't have been as horrific of it weren't so damn awkward the first hour or so of the movie.

It was still a bit traumatizing. I don't even know if they had sex! I pretty much just skipped the entire scene and then some.

I dunno. I just thought it was a fucking awkward movie.


Now to talk about another movie!

Harry Potter!

The end of my fucking childhood.

I planned with my friends for weeks about what we were going to do today.

Today, the day Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 comes out.

At the last minute I backed out.

Two reasons. One we planned until the last minute because that's what my friends do, we talk and talk, so I knew my parents wouldn't be up for it.

Two, I don't think I'm ready for it all to end just yet.

I mean. Not like this. I feel as if I'm still a child. Everything I do is exactly the same as I did when I was in high school. I haven't really grown much or made any real psychological changes, I'm still a scared person.

I think I've decided. I'm going to go watch it. I'll probably drag Gil or someone like that to go watch it with me during midday, and then afterwards I'll drag them to the salon with me, where I'm going to get my hair all chopped off. I don't know how yet or in what style but that's what I'm going to do.

In a sort of, bon voyage to my entire childhood.

Or maybe I'll do a, hair cut then the movies. It'll be brilliant. Yeah. I'll do that. I won't tell whoever I'm gonna go with that I did it. No one shall know this plan except maybe my mum.

I need to do this.

My hair has always been the same since I can remember. I don't like to deal with it. So now I am. I am going to go cut my hair in the morning, go back home, take a shower, style it, go out to the movies.

Any ideas guys? I'm talking about short. Like.

or

Short.

I've never done it before, and I think it's high time I do it.

(Plus if I like it I'll save loads on shampoo and conditioner)

I just think it'll do this growing up thing justice.

I've decided to just bite the bullet and try and take out private loans to finish paying for college if I don't get adequate money from the PLUS loan or if I get any at all from it.

Fucking hell.

In other news!

I forgot already... damn...

OH! Yeah!

I'm thinking in a british accent. Is that weird? It kinda incorporates with my speaking language, but I don't really speak, in english that is, to anyone really ever.

I don't really speak to anyone except my parents, everyone else I just text or IM or whatever.

It's a sad existence, I know.




I may completely annoy you guys just always posting things about my life. Or what I'm thinking in choppy sentences. But it's because I don't actually think about anything in depth until I start explaining small thoughts on here.

Nothing really comes to mind. Like I just thought, once I cut my hair I'll be able to work out more easily (because my mom won't bitch at me every five seconds for taking a shower everyday) Because washing my hair will take like 2 seconds and the my routine will not have no be so long and annoying. Fuck yeah.

I'll ask Gil next week when I'm in D.C.

Oh yeah, I'm going to be in D.C. next week. That'll be fun.

Unfortunately it'll be with a lot of people I'm not too fond of.

Fun.

That day I think it was like Saturday or Sunday, maybe Monday, when I was going off on a depressive tangent, I was kind of on complete edge.

I'm already extremely anxious at all times, I even shake. I don't know why. I've never had anxiety It's just not something I have. Apparently I'm getting it. Kinda sucks.

Anyways. That day I was like beyond calming myself down, I would have just gone on a complete and total craze that would just not stop. I needed to sleep but I knew I wouldn't be able to. My mind wouldn't be able to shut the fuck up. So I did the one thing I knew would take my mind off of it, make me feel amazing, and have me lose myself in a different world.

I cut, a few times so the sensation wouldn't wear off until I would fall asleep.

I didn't think much of it, I just knew I needed it.

Then another day in the middle I did it again because I was stressed.

I'm extremely stressed and anxious all the time. It just goes through the roof at night. In my hours of thinking.

I try not to think and to be calm, it never works. I'm beyond the repair of music.

Even now I'm anxious and on the verge of a massive nervous breakdown, really.

Because I can't do anything about what I'm anxious about and I'm close to just giving up on everything and just becoming a fucking hobo.

So yesterday I didn't know what to do I was a fucking state. I needed to drink, I needed to party, I needed to do drugs, I needed to do something to get myself away from reality.

I cut again. This time deeper, not ridiculous, but on my thigh area below my hip. It becomes a bit more painful, or more intense pain for me.

It really got me out of my head. I did it I think 3 times. It was great. It sincerely got my mind off of everything going on.

I'm just not used to not being able to control things. I can deal with rejection from other people, not my parents.


SO!

Yes, not in the greatest of mental states at the moment, but that's just me.

Rambling to the max

If you ever want to figure out if my period is near just look at my mood, if I'm normal as I can be then no. If I start getting really depressed and really emotional that means track about 1 week from the first incident and you'll get my period.

And I cramp on like the 3rd day before my period. It's weird.

ANYWAYS!

Fuck, well then. I feel like a lump of non-productive shit.

I have literally done nothing this entire week.

It's really boring.

I'm building this city in the trees in minecraft. That's about it.

I think I'm going to start a video game channel on Youtube once I finally get my 1 or 2 TB external hard drive. And I'm going to do like a let's play type deal. Because I have nothing more productive going on in my life.

I'll start out with Minecraft since that's releasing on 11.11.11.

It'll be like, here! This is what you do! Let's try to survive and do something with this game.

I'll start that when it hits 1.8 beta if it's before 11.11.11.

I might do like a Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim type thing. Idk.

I will possibly also do a Monday Night thing. Since I literally just started, and I have no fucking idea what the fuck is going on and I'm a complete noob at it, but I got it for like a dollar on Steam.
No one knows that game, so it might be interesting XD

Dunno. It's an idea at least.

Give me something to do when I have nothing to do in college XD

Um... So yeah.

I'm bored. I'm on minecraft because I'm bored. I would get on a server but my internet is being a bitch.

So I'm listening to music as I write this kinda hoping my internet will work again once I decide to stop rambling.

Ah the night

It's a very not good thing for me to be awake at late hours at night. One, I have great ideas, however my literary sense is pretty shit since my mechanical skills are pretty drowsy.

Also, because I get extremely bold and extremely sad.

I'm not sure why, I just do.

I think about all the things I don't have, all the things I want to have(like in my life, not like materiialistic things).

Also, forgive my shit tyoing and allt he typos I'm not exactly looking at the screen or at the keyboard much. I'm just sitting here half typing and just saying in my head what I'm going to type.

It always makes me feel like shit to think about all the stupid things I don't have because I know tehere are people out there with pretty shit lives.


I just got done speaking to my friend for like 3-4 hours over skype, the phone, and text because we were trying to play minecraft together. Whch we did end up doing. However, I was like, laggy for no real reason it was a bit aggravating.

I'm a fan of drowning in my own sorrow. I really try. I really fucking try to not and look at the up side at everything. I really try because it makes everything better, and it makes exiisting just better.

Well, wow. Yeah. Man, if I were ever drunk and it were late at night, I would for sure be a completely honest person.

I don't exactly ever tell anyone that I'm not particularily fond of guys and I very much prefer girls. I just let them assume, they all claim to have great gaydars, so yyeah.

I think it's kinda funny, they haven't said anything to me, I'm sure tehy wouldn't care.

I talked to my friend about Olivia pretty much the only irl lesbian I know, and I told her I didn't see her becoming a lesbian. And she was like, how did you not see that coming.

You have to understand. This girl sucked a guys dick on teh bus cominng back from UIL in 8th grade, on a populated bus.

She fucked numerous guys in the summer before high school. Through out 9th grade, she drank a lot and did a bunch of drugs she talked abot dick and guys all the time to the 'perverts' like her. And then I began seeing a change in 10th grade and that''s when she came out. I was pretty shocked when I realized because I meaan, come on!

It was generally out of no where. Le sigh, I thought she was gay in 9th grade but she kept talking about fucking these guys and teh photos of guys and ugh. It was extremely confusing. Extrmely mixed signal and she broke my gaydar. Thanks.

It's all good now though. And I still think Jacque is gay, I give her like a little under a year and yeah.

Yeah yeah yeah. Ah, nightie night my friends!

I should probably throw this in my private blog, but to hell with it, I'm already here. I have this open.

I enjoy living in a bubble. It's safe. All my emotions only affect me. No one else gets hurt, no one else hurts me. It's only in my mind, because the universe knows that I can easily manipulate my thoughts to make myself sad or happy or angry.

Fuck, you know? I'm so used to just living in this fucking hole my parents gladly threw me in and have easily kicked me back down when I was almost out.

My entire high school career I fought to get out of this fucking hole, whether from drinking, having sex, trying drugs, smoking, whatever. I tried my damnest. But good old depression and my own thoughts kept me from getting out, from doing something. I would have been that kid who was always drunk doing crazy shit if I didn't start in this hole.

Now, I'm finally for the most part legally free and what am I doing? Absolutely nothing. I just am staying in this hole. There are several reasons I should stay in here, but I need to get out.

I'm glad I'm going to college fucking far away, now I can actually do what I've always wanted to do.

If only my parents knew how much they've fucked me over. I'm going to go to Marietta and get shit faced and I'm not even going to know my limit, nor am I going to know anything. Because I've never gone to a legit party before nor have I gotten completely shit faced. I've been severely buzzed but not drunk. I could still think straight.

I haven't talked to Gil since the day of pride, which I didn't go to.

He really pisses me off you know? I think I'm jealous. I probably am. I wouldn't put it past me. He has a bunch of friends, he goes out all the fucking time, he can get shit faces and high, he parties, and he has a fucking job. Here I am, from how I feel, friendless, finished one college course, and I'm still in this hole.

It's because I'm afraid of the world, thanks mom and dad, you've made me scared of the unknown. It's because I don't want to disappoint my parents.

I can't, I won't.

I think about it at least once a day. Would I ever come out to my parents? No. It's always no. I don't know how my dad would take it, I have no idea which side my mom would take, but the thought of my parents being disappointed in me kills me. I don't know why, but it does.

It really fucking sucks, ya know? I chose a school out in the middle of fucking no where because I know they'll never know what will happen there. Whether I get drunk, no matter who I fuck, no matter who I date, I just will be free. This will also work against me, but it's not like they can give me anything anyways. We are poor as fuck right now because my mother doesn't know how to manage money, or how to spend it.

Fucking hell. I'm extremely disappointed in myself, to who I've become. I keep saying one day and one day, but I never do anything. Several invitations to go out, sneak out, hang out. All things I've declined because my mom sucks and I'm too much of a fucking coward to leave.

I really hope I will finally do everything in college. I'm so sick of this.

I will do all my work of course, but I need to do something with myself before I just become a whole of nothingness.

I say I'm socially awkward, but I'm not. I'm an extremely good people person, but for some reason I just stop myself from knowing how to socialize. I'm afraid again. I'm afraid of rejection I guess, I'm afraid of what they will think when I'm a total fucking hypocrite.

Fuck.

Seriously.

How am I just so much of a coward?

When did this happen?

I used to be fearless. I used to not care whether I lived or died, I just went for the goal, whether it be lose weight no matter what, make myself feel something whether it meant cutting a little deeper, having sex with only a push out lock holding me back from my mother and father, having someone sneak it, taking a large gulp of alcohol for the first time, knowing perfectly well it would burn going down, trying marijuana, sexting and texting random strangers.

What the hell happened? If the opportunity arose for any of those again, I would just say know or push it away or be fucking cautious!

Is it fucking becoming mature or me just being a fucking coward?

Fucking shitting fuck.

If I were my 9th grade self I would have fucked Gil the first chance I had, no looking back, I would fool around, and all that shit but nope.

Are these tears of anger or tears of pity over the person I've become?

I don't know. Just fuck.

Unusual Twist of Conversation

I'm in the mood to sing!

Other than the fact that my life is stupid boring and nothing has actually happened the past few days(like that ever stops me XD), yesterday my hands were shaking all day, as if I were nervous or on like some type of withdrawal, so I couldn't actually type coherently or really do anything. I bought some breakfast and while I was getting my money out I could grab the change out of my wallet because my hands were shaking too much, it really sucked.

The past few days have been shit really. Shit because they've been boring. Thursday I took my final, I got a 96 on it and my final grade in the class was a 93 :/ an A at least.

I've played a lot of minecraft. I've finished my walls and roof and water wheel areas along with lighting. Now I just need to decide what else to actually do. As in build. Like there is just so much you can do XD

I've been so bored lately. I haven't actually talked to anyone but my mother and a few friends while discussing when we're going to go watch Harry Potter 7:2.

Needless to say I'm bored. I want to have one on one conversations or hang out with someone or several people. I'm bored and in need of social interaction. Or at least someone to text. My conversations usually go like this.

Hey

Oh hi!

How are you?

Doing fine. How about you?

I've been doing great.

That's good!

How's life?

Good, you?

Same.

Anything interesting?

Nah not really, hung out with some people, shopped, and stuff.

Oh cool! Anything awesome?

Lists few things.

-I get distracted for like an hour or they stop texting-

End of convo.


or the stupid.

Hey

Hey.

What's up?

Nothing much you?

Same. Wanna hang out tonight?

Nah not really.

Oh come on.

Nope I'm good.

I have some -insert booze-.

No I'm fine thanks.

Come on, I have nothing better to do, I'll just end up -insert mundane thing-

It's fine. I'm okay here.

-Continues begging and either gives up or ends up trying to come over physically-



You may be thinking, "Wtf?! You want to hang out and you like to drink, why are you hanging out?!

Well my dear readers, this conversation is really only ever held with one person, though it has happened with other guys too, unfortunately.

When this person texts me it means one thing and one thing only, no matter how the conversation starts or what he tries to convince me it's about. It means he wants to have sex. Whether he 'convinces' me by getting me drunk or 'loose' (which it takes a stupid amount of booze, my brain doesn't cloud easily).

When I was younger and more easily overrun by my hormones I would accept or ask him to come over. Because let's face it. Sex is both fun and makes you feel great. If you've never had sex, it's both fun and makes you feel good. That's casual sex. For like passionate sex, I'm assuming it's fun, makes you feel great, and you have a deeper connection.

Now, I'm like no. I'm good, please gtfo.

Why the change of heart? One, he is always tired. So it gets annoying when I have to worry about him falling asleep on the middle of the floor or in bed or in my chair.

He is never well taken care of. So he's either hungry, thirsty or low on the blood sugar. So that gets annoying. Especially when my parents pester me every five seconds.

He also isn't very good. It got old. Apparently he's gotten 'better'. I'm assuming he still sucks. I can live with out it.

Also, he's a guy. I'm pretty much done with guys for a long while.

They are too easy to please. I like the challenge or being challenged. Pretty much all guys have the same buttons and by buttons I mean their dick. Several of them hate being touched anywhere but there.

That's not fun.

You can make a girl come that fast too, but with girls you can play with so many more things. There's of course the neck, the area around the neck, the breasts, the nipples themselves, their inner thigh, their labia, their clit, the actual vagina, their g-spot, and pretty much touching them anywhere when they are wired on feelings, emotion, and pleasure.

Much more fun, much more interesting especially if you do it the first time. Because then you have the pleasure of discovering their unique hotspots.

Guys? It's their dick, moaning, boosting their ego, panting softly when they're supposed to be 'thrusting hard', and other small things like that. It's generally one track. If they're very good you don't actually mind boosting their ego or whatever and everything else actually happens naturally, it's not manufactured to make them actually pleasure you.

The list for just hotspots is pretty much longer than everything about guys. The little things is just exponentially longer for girls.



Yeah. Okay, this went way longer and into a subject I was not planning on XD


All in all, my life is boring, unless you count the random conversations where a guy wants to fuck me as interesting, which I don't they go in my 'annoying' list.

Stuuuupiiiiiiddddd

Okay, so I thought I was screwed forever because the person whose internet I mooch off of no longer was on my list(convieniently they stopped it like an hour or two after the last Harry Potter Premiere) and I thought my internet was gone for good.

Then this guy started up a new connection and it has this guest account. But it had a password and I thought I was fucked.

Lucky for me, I guessed the password.

Next time, don't use the name of the account. That was like my 4th guess.

I can't even.

So I'm extremely pissed.

I know that post from yesterday seemed angry, but I was frustrated.

No today I'm fucking pissed.

I took my final in like 40 minutes(about 10 minutes more than I usually do), it was fairly easy.

Afterwards I walked out and was going to my car. Alex, one of my exes, was sitting in his car waiting for me. I walked past his car and he asked me how the test was. So, we talked. It was nice. We talked for about 30 minutes.

Then he was like I gotta go and I was like yeah. Okay. Throughout the conversation he kept asking me what I was going to do after we finished talking. I told him idk, probably going home.

Then he finally asked me at the end of our conversation and I told him probably home.

Then he was like, wanna fool around?

Several things crossed through my mind. Wtf? Hell no. You fucking cheating bastard. What the hell. Fuck off.

My reaction was shaking my head and saying no(in a way that was like hahahaha you're funny I would never let you touch me) and he was like, so no? And I was like yeah, no.

Okay.

This asshole. We went out my freshman year. I was supposedly going to fuck him or whatever. In all honesty I was never going to do it, he wasn't my type nor did he have decent equipment. I probably would have if he were like double what he was then. but nope. The thought was revolting really, and it still is.

After we broke up we generally didn't talk mostly because it was awkward for me. The guy I first had sex with was more of a fwb minus the friends, it was more like ihkyaltawb I Have Known You A Long Time Acquaintance With Benifits. So we never ever interacted that and we were in different social groups.

Then he went out with one of his first "serious" girlfriends. They fucked all the time, he was best friends with one of my close friends at the time so she would tell me that that's all he would ever talk about.

Then when they broke up, he texted me asking me if I was still up for sex. I was like no. Hell no.

Then they started going out like a few days later.

Then they broke up for good. I didn't hear anything from him. Then he started going out with his (from what I know) current girlfriend.

They went out a nice while. Then one day randomly near the end of the year, we started talking again and then he asked me if I wanted to fool around again. Now, this time I knew FOR A FACT that they were going steady, because his girlfriend sat diagonally from me in first period.

I was like no, but we can hang out. I ended up not going. One because as revolting as I found him I was extremely sexually frustrated and I didn't trust my body to do the right thing.

And now this. He is a fucking ass hole. I swear.

What is up with guys wanting to fuck me when they have girlfriends.

The one guy I thought was the largest sleaze, turned out to be the moral one! What the hell?!

Gil wanted to fuck me while with his current girlfriend not so long ago.


I'm so sick of these guys with one track minds.



Probably one of the many reason why I want a girlfriend I can just romance and just cherish. I want to kind of prove to myself that it is possible for someone to like someone and have them be treated like the most amazing thing in the world.

It's a bit ridiculous I know, but I just have to know that if the rest of the world sucks that at least I can treat someone right and have them feel great about themselves.

People suck, especially the guys in my life.

My Fucking List.

Inspired by a serious of events and Jenna's new video.

I am going to make a semi public list of people I would fuck. Yup. Semi public because some people have this blog but they never actually read it.

A partial list that is in no particular order

People I Would Fuck:
Angeli
Jacque
Gil
Ashely(a girl on Tumblr)
Molly(on Tumblr)
Kristina(if she didn't speak)
Paola
Marissa Lo.
Marissa LeJ
Taylor
BB Lauren
Shelby
Christine
Clarita
Logan
Liz
Sam F(again no speaking)
Sam G.
Yadira
Lily Loveless
Kathyrn Prescott
Kristen Stewart
Emma Watson
Rachel Shelly
Salazar(Felipe)
Leslie
Abril
Jennifer(definitely no speaking)
Olivia Wilde
Jennifer Morrison


People in the italics are people I would fuck them so hard...

Fucking Shitting Fuck.

That test I took yesterday?

Yup. I got a fucking 96.

Now, I know you're like SWEET! You got a great score!

Only in my mind I'm fucking pissed. I didn't figure this one thing out. This one subject. And fuck. Of course it was on there. Of course. And I missed it because I didn't know how to do it. I still don't apparently it's fucking obvious. It's a fucking foreign language to me. And to just add insult to injury the fucking answer was the initial question. (It was matricies and getting the inverse of a 3x3) and fucking fuck.

It was 5 points. FIVE points. That would have given me a 101. And the bonus, I WOULD have gotten it correct if I hadn't read the fucking book. Pile of fucking shit that is.

Which would have been a 102.

I got a 93 as a raw score but I got +3 for doing all my homework. If you did the math, it doesn't add up.

The 2 points that you're missing are points I lost because I didn't get the right answer. When he explained it. Of course, I did everything right except I didn't factor correctly.

Thanks a fucking lot Mr. fucking Bunquin for not teaching shit and thank you Mr. Ali for seriously not teaching me ONE thing therefore screwing me over and me having to learn both Pre-Cal and basic algebra skills in AP calculus with a teacher that was actually WILLING to teach me. Fuck you guys very much.

Ugh.

Anyways. I still haven't received my AP scores, which I guess is a good thing because if I do badly then I would be fucking discouraged and I would bomb my test tomorrow(Though I can get a 24 on my final and I'd still pass my class, in theory.)

I'm becoming a fucking band director none of this shit matters. Fucking shit shit.

Test test test test...

Hahaha!

Ah, I have a test at 7:30 a.m. in the morning. It's 2a.m.

I finished my half assed homework like 20 minutes ago after about 3-4 hours of working on it and remembering it.

Now I'm tired, but I'm not really sleepy.

Lame.

Dreaming?

I was going to post this, this morning but I got side tracked. Utterly side tracked to the point that I just remembered I was going to post this.

Last night I had about 5 distinct dreams. Not like the ones that seem like they only were minutes long. But 5 dreams that seemed to take forever.

I didn't remember much when I woke up and I don't remember almost anything now but I'll tell you the things that stuck out at me.

One dream was a very surreal dream that was a bit minecrafty but irl and space agey.

My last dream was completely random but I believe I was shopping on a budget at some grocery store with my friends, only I don't know any of them. And I was looking at this rustic thing, and the place was like a farmers market, completely organic but indoors.

And I was looking at some things with this lady who worked there(I assume) guiding me as I searched. And then I saw these powders in jars and I asked if they were spices and she was sidetracked and as I reached for this jar next to this straw thin sack with something inside of them. And I some how caught the string that closed the sack and the lady grabbed it from in between my fingers as I clutched the jar I had just ignored by that time because I was flabbergasted that I grabbed it and the lady was telling me that she liked them too, I think she called them wormtail and they were these little seed looking things and this short thin leafy thing. And she told me she liked the long one but the seed things were nasty. And prior to that told her I had never tasted them. And I was like fuck it, everything once and I ate the long one and just as I was about the bite down on the supposed nasty one I woke up.

It was very odd.

The dream I think I had before that one was something about school in a lounge of sorts, kinda like my old band hall luxury of being able to do whatever when you weren't being patrolled.

All I remember is that I was lounging across this couch, if not I'm pretty sure my legs were laying on the couch, so the only logical thing would be lounging but idk.

And the room was dark because we were watching something on a tv. And this girl I know, totally straight and someone I'm not actually attracted to and I haven't talked to in several months just comes all willy nilly in a very serious way sits down moves me aside in sorts and then just basically cuddles infront of me while facing the t.v.

I'm like wtf? okay, whatever. And I continue to watch it(it's a completely staticy screen, like on cartoons when they don't show what's on t.v. but you can see the white blaring screen in the shot making it clear that it's on), and I'm not trying to think about it because I feel really awkward breathing when anyone is laying on any part of me let alone my entire front half and my arm is draped around her mid section(she's only like 1/2 inch shorter than me) because that's where it landed after she put it back down after she cuddled next to me.

And I was trying to hold myself up with my other arm like I had been doing leaning my head against it. After a bit of balance of strength struggle I stopped shaking and I was cool, then I felt her breath hitch repeatedly for a few moments then everything was cool again, then a few moments later I guess she thought I looked uncomfortable after I readjusted(even though I wasn't since I had found a good spot moments earlier) and she grabbed my arms gently and guided it to her knee and at first I held it in it's claw type form it had reached but then after relaxing it a bit more I decided just fuck it it's not like I ever talk to her, and I let my had cup her KNEE.

Then after a while she removed my hands and stood up and left then the lights turned on and the t.v. time was over.


Also I think I was saving someone, trying to die, or saving the world prior and I was just trying to relax. I dunno. It was really weird all in all.

Especially because I never have distinct dreams and certainly I never have several in a row the entire night. I thought that was weird.

My day was dull. I watched Youtube videos and played minecraft all day basically because nothing good was on t.v.

Could she be more awesome?

I just have to say, I'm half addicted to Minecraft.

I only get annoyed when I don't know what to do. Like what to build first or where. I'm in the process of building a little castle and fuck me is it not as easy as it sounds.

And it doesn't sound easy.

It's extremely time consuming, I tried making a video about it and yeah... Epic failosity.

Okay, this is getting awkward. I'm mixing Tobuscus and Yogcast lingo.

If you don't know who I'm talking about, go look them up NAO!!!!

*TOBY AWKWARD PAUSE* TRANSITION!

I woke up very aggravated. Never, I mean NEVER wake me up on my day's off. The house better be in direct danger or I better be two seconds from death because I will KILL you.

My parents woke me up twice. The second time they wanted me up so we could all go out to eat. I could have murdered someone. I took my sweet time to calm the fuck down and to piss them the fuck off.

It all worked out to my advantage! Minus the me being able to sleep part.

Second of all, my semi crush, ah.

We had a conversation, sorta, about this video game trailer, Dead Island, online, and yeah. She just slightly rose her awesome level!

If she weren't straight, had a boyfriend, and still in high school making it statutory rape, I was would totally pursue her. If I had a list of things that attract me to people, she would make up most the list.

ANYWAYS!

I'm going to go possibly download Single Player Commands for minecraft then continue to craft my castle town.

OMG, I downloaded the BetterThanWolves Mod for Minecraft after I saw the Yogscast video over it and it has some fucking amazing things and I'm so fucking excited to build them all XD I just had to build my city first(though I'm not too creative until I'm in the mix of things) or at least the walls before I could do anything and I'm so excited XD.


SO YES!

I just had a super nerd Minecraft moment, until my next extremely boring blog!!!