I should probably throw this in my private blog, but to hell with it, I'm already here. I have this open.

I enjoy living in a bubble. It's safe. All my emotions only affect me. No one else gets hurt, no one else hurts me. It's only in my mind, because the universe knows that I can easily manipulate my thoughts to make myself sad or happy or angry.

Fuck, you know? I'm so used to just living in this fucking hole my parents gladly threw me in and have easily kicked me back down when I was almost out.

My entire high school career I fought to get out of this fucking hole, whether from drinking, having sex, trying drugs, smoking, whatever. I tried my damnest. But good old depression and my own thoughts kept me from getting out, from doing something. I would have been that kid who was always drunk doing crazy shit if I didn't start in this hole.

Now, I'm finally for the most part legally free and what am I doing? Absolutely nothing. I just am staying in this hole. There are several reasons I should stay in here, but I need to get out.

I'm glad I'm going to college fucking far away, now I can actually do what I've always wanted to do.

If only my parents knew how much they've fucked me over. I'm going to go to Marietta and get shit faced and I'm not even going to know my limit, nor am I going to know anything. Because I've never gone to a legit party before nor have I gotten completely shit faced. I've been severely buzzed but not drunk. I could still think straight.

I haven't talked to Gil since the day of pride, which I didn't go to.

He really pisses me off you know? I think I'm jealous. I probably am. I wouldn't put it past me. He has a bunch of friends, he goes out all the fucking time, he can get shit faces and high, he parties, and he has a fucking job. Here I am, from how I feel, friendless, finished one college course, and I'm still in this hole.

It's because I'm afraid of the world, thanks mom and dad, you've made me scared of the unknown. It's because I don't want to disappoint my parents.

I can't, I won't.

I think about it at least once a day. Would I ever come out to my parents? No. It's always no. I don't know how my dad would take it, I have no idea which side my mom would take, but the thought of my parents being disappointed in me kills me. I don't know why, but it does.

It really fucking sucks, ya know? I chose a school out in the middle of fucking no where because I know they'll never know what will happen there. Whether I get drunk, no matter who I fuck, no matter who I date, I just will be free. This will also work against me, but it's not like they can give me anything anyways. We are poor as fuck right now because my mother doesn't know how to manage money, or how to spend it.

Fucking hell. I'm extremely disappointed in myself, to who I've become. I keep saying one day and one day, but I never do anything. Several invitations to go out, sneak out, hang out. All things I've declined because my mom sucks and I'm too much of a fucking coward to leave.

I really hope I will finally do everything in college. I'm so sick of this.

I will do all my work of course, but I need to do something with myself before I just become a whole of nothingness.

I say I'm socially awkward, but I'm not. I'm an extremely good people person, but for some reason I just stop myself from knowing how to socialize. I'm afraid again. I'm afraid of rejection I guess, I'm afraid of what they will think when I'm a total fucking hypocrite.

Fuck.

Seriously.

How am I just so much of a coward?

When did this happen?

I used to be fearless. I used to not care whether I lived or died, I just went for the goal, whether it be lose weight no matter what, make myself feel something whether it meant cutting a little deeper, having sex with only a push out lock holding me back from my mother and father, having someone sneak it, taking a large gulp of alcohol for the first time, knowing perfectly well it would burn going down, trying marijuana, sexting and texting random strangers.

What the hell happened? If the opportunity arose for any of those again, I would just say know or push it away or be fucking cautious!

Is it fucking becoming mature or me just being a fucking coward?

Fucking shitting fuck.

If I were my 9th grade self I would have fucked Gil the first chance I had, no looking back, I would fool around, and all that shit but nope.

Are these tears of anger or tears of pity over the person I've become?

I don't know. Just fuck.