4 weeks ago I was here and I'm here 4 weeks later, well that's not depressing at all

Reasons I haven't posted in 4 weeks? College. I mean it is fucking ridiculous how many things I have to do and how many things I am making myself do because I hate seeing my roommate ever because she is a fucking asshole bitch. But enough on Bitch Face. I haven't had time to do this. The blogging because of it. I've thought about it but I haven't had time to. There is so much to tell you guys and my future self, but I can't be bothered to remember it's 9:22 and I skipped all my classes except choir on Thursday because I was too tired to function. I am still too tired. I don't knwo why. I'm going through a depression session, so maybe it's that. I generally have no friends at the moment. I have aquantices, but no actual friends. I am in the transition to becoming friends with my friend MaL-, but more on her later. I hav- on a distracted not I just got an email from Youtube Music. What the hell is that? What? Why am I a part of that. Whatever. But, yeah, I'm not really friends with anyone. I've completely drifted from Kati-, Tar-, and Julia- because I don't know why. They all live basically next to each other and all they do is hangout and talk. I do not. I live on the otherside of the building and I was left alone from the moment I got to campus. They might be a bit butt hurt by the fact that I didn't even bother to contact them when I got home or all summer. I don't do it. I don't really like texting, it gets annoying and I just didn't want people in my life this summer. It was my time to reevaluate, and I was happy. I think it is here. I think I'm unhappy here. I think that's the issue. I think this place makes me depressed. Maybe it's because I'm not with people who are like me. Who like anime, rock music, video games, youtube, gay, technology, and things like that. I know a few people, but no one who I'm friends with. I need to make a change. I think I could be happy here. Now, what I'm going to say next is by no means an excuse for not getting new friends. It is kind of just happening and I wanted the friendship. I am friends with her group though so, it's not on purpose. There is this girl. Mal-, so man. Okay, I like her. She is a cool kid and I like her. I met her last semester she was in the environmental group I'm in here. She was studying in Costa Rica my first semester so I didn't get to know her, I think I had heard of her, but I can't quite remember. So, I thought she was cool, she spoke spanish and came to spanish conversation tab;es and we talked, she was a cool kid and she knew a bunch of people I knew, so she had to be a cool kid. Near the end of the semester I "made" her go to the zombie movie night thing the honors house had and I "forced" her to stay and watch Shuan of the Dead, because she didn't like the movie. Which I personally think is an awesome movie. But, yeah, then I walked halfway to her dorm to my dorm after she refused my offer to walk her to her dorm. we were both tired, but I was wiling. Sometime after that I figured out that I did have a crush on her. This year I didn't really come with a mind set of I am going to try and figure her out and figure out if she likes girls or if she's okay with teh gays and stuff. I was just going to be her friend and stuff. Well, that changed. The first time I talked to her this semester. I'm making this story sound like I am with Mal, I'm not. Just to clarify if you thikn this story is going to end up with us happily ever after. I talked to her and I just was like, I want/need to know, yeah? I haven't tried to find out, I'm just trying to be her friend because I am really confused and I'm leaving it up to her. But man, I don't know why I am attracted to her, but I am. We are in that stage of a friendship where you are aquaintices that know they have a lot in common and get along but you can either become friends or you take the dating route. So, normally I'd be like, oh she's a straight girl so I can live with just being friends. But I don't know. Like I've said, I get really confused by some girls. y gaydar can be off. But with Mal, I don't know. I think signs show straight but I don't know. I'm pretty sure. But I don't know, because we should have moved on. We should be just friends now. That we hang and we talk about other things other than classes and such. Maybe we are there. Maybe she moves slowly with friends. I don't know. I am so confused! And, man. We went to this dinner thing and we both got there late, of course, I got there I few minutes before her. We were there and while we listened to the panel speak she was scratching her leg and either 'accidentally' or actually accidentally brushed my leg. Other than the fact that I got EXTREMELY turned on by her just brushing past me TWICE. Did I mention that? Hence the possible 'accidentally' time may have passed really slowly in my sense of time and space and really fast for her. But it felt like she lingered when she brushed past it the first time and a little longer when her hand made a come back. I didn't want to make it awkward, or for her to see what were probably my dilated pupils at the moment(seriously like a teenage boy somethings). Mostly fear of not getting the 'look' back if I turned. She looked at me, I saw her in my periphery, but I couldn't tell if it was a look of oh god, or the 'look' not being acknowledged by me. I think we may in fact be that awkward couple that is the most awkward at flirting. Because I can't tell, and I am trying not to freak her out if she isn't even a little bit gay. I am really attracted to her though, but I cuold live with just being her friend. I'm okay with that. I dunno. Today, our friendship moved forward though. And she made the move. She saw me during the day and while I was waiting for my food and she tapped my shoulder and got me to turn all the way around. It was pretty obvious I was happy to see her, if she isn't flirting with me, which is probably, hopefully the glee on my face OMG I MISSED GLEE THIS WEEK! Sorry, anyways, hopefully she didn't notice my complete glee the moment I saw it was her, hopefully her laughing covered it up and hopefully she was confused by me completely ramming a girl with my backpack and me being like OMG sorry. Anyways. So, we made that step forward. And the whole dinner thing was also kind of like hanging out, and so yeah. It was interesting. I dunno. I don't know what is going to happen. We'll see. I hope it goes my way, but probably not. Hopefully I'm not pushing the whole I don't like you vibe. Or the I like you vibe. I don't know. It'll be an interesting weekend.

Life in General- As Always

School man! That's been a trip. It's a little rough, I feel like I never left really. Everything is so familiar but different at the same time. I have literally spent only sleeping time in my dorm. I take everything I need with me when I leave for class and I come back when my roommate is asleep. Except she is a fucking light sleeper. Like, extremely light. If I make a noise she is up. If she sees light, she's up. Which is why I spend my time in Herman. It's literally my home, I only go and sleep in my dorm. If I could avoid that too, I would. It's just not a comfortable time. I have my roommates schedules so I know when I can avoid her during the week. I have a feeling she is one of those that goes back to their dorm after every class though, so that kinda sucks. I wish I had my old floor. They were all cool, not some pretentious assholes. Seriously. I went back at 10pm and the entire floor was silent. We have quiet hours, but those start at 11. My roommate was asleep at 10. I can stay up until 5am with no trouble at all, like... I don't get it. I mean, my old floor had all athletes so they fell asleep early but our floor was still loud as fuck. My roommate was just like me though, and I LOVED that, she would stay up with me, we would smoke together and she didn't automatically hate me. Like, I mean, I haven't even done anything to her except live with her. I like the room. There is this girl Autumn Day, I don't think she has a roommate, I'm thinking maybe I could befriend her and I would be able to live with her, because she's already spoken to me and we've laughed, so I know she doesn't hate me. It's a good start. That's really all I need. And for her not fall asleep at ridiculously early hours. That too. I mean, honestly I just need a desk to be able to play on and a bed to sleep. I study and practice and entertain myself in other places. I just need to be able to relax in my room not be on edge. It sucks really. I've also had some insane urges to smoke before I get back to my dorm. Like, just sit somewhere and smoke. I would have done it yesterday but it was in teh 60s and I was wearing a tshirt and shorts. I might today. I don't want to, but I do. I'm just kind of really lonely. I spend my time in Herman. I talk to Ada, but it's not much just in passing, she has her boyfriend and her best friends and her choir buddies. I'm just her friend in passing and I'm there if all else fails her, because I am not the greatest company. Tar-, I have tried to replace out of my memory. I don't really want to have her company and my mind kind of just blocks out every words she says. It's bad in class when she's explaining things, but I've started to block her out. I don't need her awkward negativity in my life. I'd rather be alone and awkward with my roommate than have her company Kati- and Julian--, well, they are on Tara's side I'm assuming. They hang out every night from what I can tell. I don't really go over there, because that means I'd have to go to my room earlier than I'd ever want. It's just a bummer that things have worked out this way, but I'm trying to find more friends. Friends who are good, and love me for who I am and will be my rock when I need them to be and let me be their rock. A relationship like Gil and me had a couple of years ago. I mean, I'd still take a bullet for the guy. Way too much history for me to not still love him, I guess it's true that you'll always love them. It's weird. I talk to my Liz, my cousin a lot more now, just because I know she'll always love and accept me and be there when I need her. Her entire family is great. When her brother moved close to Houston, whenever he would drive down to the Valley to see his family for a weekend, he would offer my mom a ride and she would be able to go see the family she desperately misses. Her mom cosigned a loan for me this year, and Liz has always been my rock and my favorite cousin. I wasn't truly scared to come out to her. She accepted me just the same. She loved me and jokes around with me. That's what family's for I guess. I need a drink or a fag. Both would be fine with me right now. Fuck my classes tomorrow seriously. They suck. Brit Lit, Teacher to Leader, Studio, and Theory. I can live without those. On the bright side I can sleep in or I can wake up at the same time and have some me time before my class at 10 and she leaves at like 8:30-40 I'll do that. Have some me time, and TF2 time. It'll be GLORIOUS. I don't hate my roommate per say, I just don't like her attitude toward me. I need a fag.

fast typing

Okay, this has to be fast I only have a a few minutes of life left on my laptop, and I don't have any working outlets on my side of the room. I am at aschool, teh loans worked out and I am in my dorm getting ready for my 9a.m. tomorrow. My roommate has not spoken to me, I have said, hey. She's just given me the head nod taht she acknowledges my presence. We've been in the same room for over 2 hours now together, and we have not even acknowledged each other. My room placement is nice, except for the fact that I don't have working outlets, and I've already sent out a work order for it, so it's just a matter of time until they fix it. For now, I have to charge my laptop in Herman, which I'm fine with, as long as it isn't permanent. Also, my phone is the slowest hcarging thing when using my laptop as a power source, I mean jeez. I kind of want my roommate to fall asleep, so I can change and also, fall asleep. Just the way the room is arranged, our bed are next to eachother on opposite sides of the room, so the middle is only about 4ish 5 ish feet, and she can help but see me when I change, and that's just sort of awkward, especially since she is watching tv right ahead of her. It's awkward. If she falls asleep or turns off her desk light, I will have my chance. But, again, such a small space, I can't help but feel awkward, especially since it's already awkward between us. The whole not speaking thing... I'm so sorry about ypos guys but I got the 10% warning a few minutes ago saying I only had 18 minutes left. I actually have to pee, will I be judged if I leave with jeans off and come back with pajama pants. Oh BTW, my dorm building has A/C that is controlled by us! And my roommate likes it cold. Which I don't mind at all because I love it being cold, I just don't have a blanket, so shorts don't work with just sheets. I want to buy a comforter, but I have no ride to walmart. Oh shit, I just got the I will be turning off in T-minus some amout of minutes. Sorry, that's all you get out of me today. Oh, I am going to continue my fanfics as soon as I get my outlets to work.

Loans and Fanfiction

Phew! So my loan went through! I am going to be able to start school! I've never been so stressed out in my life. I was so tired all the time. I was so tense, My neck was so stiff and my shoulders were so knotted, it was insane. I mean, my shoulder muscles are still really stiff just because they haven't been able to relax in a week. Or at least since Monday. So, I'm leaving tomorrow at 8:15a.m. at least I'm supposed to. Hopefully it leaves on time. It's kind of surreal. I had my mindset ready for, I'm not going to be going to college this year, since I was having all these financial issues this past week, so it would hurt less if I believed it. So, now that I am going to college, I'm kind of not believing it, since I haven't actually thought about it. Wow, I'll be slightly heart broken to leave again. Especially since I'm on my period. And I get fucking emotional when I'm on my period now. Man, but on another note! I need to decide what to do to pass the time. I have a long transfer time and a long wait time for my ride from the airport. I need to start writing my fanfiction again, because I have new follows and favorites every week, and I just feel more and more guilty. I could do that. But I also like quiet when I write, and Chicago Midway Airport is anything but quiet. I've never been to the Columbus Airport, but we'll see what that's like. I don't know if I'll be able to write. In the event that I don't, I have to find games to play offline. Since all my games on this laptop are on Steam I have to figure out the trick to play them offline. But, idk what I'll play. I have Skyrim, but right now I'm grinding wood so I can have a huge chunk of change to buy a good horse, be able to pay off any fines if I am caught doing stealing or sneaking in and I don't want to get caught or kill them. Also, to be able to buy decent armor and weapons. Along with potions and magic. And to be able to buy skills. Since playing Oblivion 2 or 3 times in my life, I know what elements are in the basic game and I know what I want in a nutshell. I also want to make it easier for me, since it is about 15-25 times longer than Oblivion and a lot of that was just travelling and discovering by foot. I'm just not willing to spend a lot of time. All in all, Skyrim would be boring and not entertaining at the moment in an airport. Maybe I'll just Minecraft it up... I don't know, I mean I have the technic laincher too, an dI have a lot of work to do on that world, and I have a lot of building and mining to do in my regular world. Idk. We'll see. If all else fails I have my Kindle App, and I can just read.

My type? Wat?

Apparently I'm an ass person. I am so unbelievably turned on by a girl if they have a nice firm ass and it's a nice medium size. If I can grab on to it and am able to squeeze it, umf. If they are tan. Dear baby jesus some one help them. Because I will immediately picture them naked. If there is a girl with a firm ass, good curves, has a pretty face, and is tan. I am a goner. I mean, they can be white, but it's not the same. I'm still attracted, I'm just not head over heels drooling. e It's so weird knowing my type. But knowing me, I'll probably find my true love to be someone who is totally teh opposite. So weird. And if they have tattoo's and piercings. I'm done for. If it's tastefully done, of course. If it's tacky and ugly, I'm out. Instant turn off. That's soo typical for me to say, but hey. I like em that way. As long as they have at least a+ boobs I'm good. They have to be enough for me to feel and squeeze. Doesn't have to be a good squeeze, but just enough for it to be possible.

OTP frustration.

So, Pretty Little Liars. I'm frustrated. I just want to know who A is and be done with it. Like, they are not following the books at all, it is literally an alternate reality from the books. I just hope they keep the whole Emily getting pregnant thing out, because at this rate it'll probably be with Nate and that guy is just a creepy and not a good guy. He is an asshole with a God complex. He needs to go back where he came from. And Paige, wtf is up with that bitch. She is not going to be A, there will probably be a plot twist dealing with her, like she is obsessing over Emily that she wants to have her all for herself and seperate her from her friends and the world, but she isn't behind the A business. Spencer is plain pissing me off, her pretty face can only keep me off her case for so long. I mean, this whole, "the entire world is A, and we won't know for sure until we fuck up someone's life" That's getting plain old and annoying. And what happened to Lucas, that guy was shady and he just dropped off the face of the earth after Ezra was like... so... what's up? Toby has also fucked off along with Melissa, what is that shit. All while Aria is with her boyfriend and getting into business that isn't hers to be in. Spencer was trapped with a snake and Aria is off baking a cake, literally. Also, Ezra's brother and Aria, there is something that is going to happen there. I mean, why else was he introduced into the story line. Thta's not random shit. Also, Ceecee? What the fuck is up with that chick? I'm suspicious. But she would never be caught in black gloves and a shady hotel. I mean, come on, the girl couldn't live without those accessories. I've read the synopsis of the books and apparently Allison has a twin sister, as I made a wild guess at in the beginning of the season. I don't know what that's about, but we'll see. Since Emily did go bat shit crazy and see Ally last season and so did someone else, but god knows if I remember. I'm not too sure how they're going to get that one going. What about Jenna? Why are we so trusting of that bitch now? Warning Emily. She's not talking about Paige, because Paige is just a jealous chick who doesn't want people messing with her girl, like sleazy boys who think they can take the law into their own hands. Why anyone tells this guy anything is beyond me. I mean, the guys has alomst literally repeated the same thing he was told out loud in an angry manner everytime, or at least reacted to. I mean, seriously. What the fuck. Did you know, Aria was supposed to date Noel Kahn? Maybe he wasn't a sleazy dick in the books? I don't know, but that's creepy. I don't know. PPL is starting to piss me off, it needs to go somehwere and fast. In unrelated news, I am officially a complete and total Naomi and Emily fan. Like, no word can ever convince me that those two fictional characters we not meant for each other. Like, I unintentionally have so many of their encounters in the show memorized. Also, I have lines of theirs running through my mind, no matter how shitty they may be, they were just awesome in th series and I am a serious fangirl right now, so just ignore me. They way people write their love is just so fascinating and amazing. I mean, I am a huge fan of Cameron and Thirteen off of House, even if in the finale Cameron has a husband and child. They will forever be in my heart but Naomily is my OTP. I mean, come on. Naomi, like a fool, has been in love with Emily since she was 12 and then they kissed when they were 14 and then shit went down and they were brought together again at 16 in college. Now, even though Naomi became a sarcastic bitch who tried to keep everyone around her within a 10 meter radius from her and she become quite close with her politics closer due to the nature of his knowledge and that went balls up, Emily still got through every defense she had. And, Naomi let her. No matter how hard she fought it, she couldn't bring herself to do it all the way. Even when she was younger she let herself believe it was the drugs so she couldn't blame Emily for her woes because she could never hate Emily, and even thought Katie was a right bitch, Naomi could never hate Emily's sister and betray her like that. Even if she was a right cow. Emily stayed with Naomi through all the shit because she knew who Naomi really was, she knew what a good person she was. Naomi let her take her time in being herself. She didn't want to fuck up Emily's life so she took all the blame while half heartedly telling wankers that it wasn't her. So much so that Naomi fucked other guys as to not fuck with Emily's life, even if it was more for herself, part of it was protecting Emily. When Naomi finally let her guard clink a bit off she let herself feel what it would be like if they were truly together. No judgement from society or her mind. Seh let herself go into nature with Emily to see what it was like. Because waking up with Emily laying next to her a few mornings before just felt right and she needed to know. She needed to let herself know so she could finally get past it. Except she couldn't. What she felt at that lake with Emily was way more than physical. Emily got into her mind and was in her every pore, in her every thought, in her vision. She couldn't get out of there fast enough. She was suffocating and she wasn't ready. And she wouldn't be fro ages. I mean, I think I could write an entire term paper over their every interaction and their love. I mean, the ending speech itself would be a good page or two. Because, dear baby jesus that was an amazing speech. "Who wants to go first then?" Cue door opening. See Naomi. "I will." She says in a feeble voice, scared, terrified, it's her last chance. She faces Emily and looks at her red headed fireball looking at her with such anger and sadness while her sister stands a bit behind her but looking slightly relieved. "I've loved you since the first time I saw you, I think I was twelve" You can barely hear her speak, her voice is so constricted by the emotions she is experiecing. The past 5-6 years of emotion hitting her all at once, but some how giving her the will to keep going. "It took me three years to pluck up the courage to speak to you." She almost felt like sighing after letting that out, but she knew if she didn't anything but speak at that moment it would probably come out as a sob. "And I was so afraid of what I felt, you know, loving a girl-" She sounded like she was about to cry, but she had to keep going, she had to let Emily know. "-so, I learned how to become a sarcastic bitch to kind of feel normal." The tears were beginning to form in her eyes, the thought of not ever being abe to hold Emily starting to take a toll on her soul, how she spent all those years trying to fight the unstoppable force that was Emily Fitch. "I screwed guys to make it go away, but it didn't work." Because no one could ever beat you, no one ever will. "When we got together it scared the shit out of me, because you were the one person who could ruin my life." She couldn't hold in the tears that were threatening to fall from her eyes. The raw emotion she was experiencing was too much to handle but she would fight worse to try and get Emily back. "I pushed you away. I made you think things were your fault."But I'm just an asshole my love, you could never do anything wrong only I have. "But really I was just terrified of pain." If only I had known then... "I screwed that girl, Sophia, to kind of spite you for having that hold on me, and I'm a total fucking coward because I got these-" My hands were shaking so badly I could barely grab a hold of these stupid precious ticket. "-these tickets to Goa for us three months ago," I have to look at her she needs to know that it's true, she needs to see. "But I, I couldn't stand..." The sobs were wracking through my body at that point and nothing could stop them, not even God, my guilt was just washing over me once and twice over again. "I didn't want to be a slave to the way I feel about you, can you understand?" I don't care who is the room at this point it is just me and Emily, it will always just be me and Emily. "You were trying to punish me back and it's horrible. It's so horrible, because... I'd die for you." Every time. "I love you. I love you so much, and it's killing me." Please do something because I don't think I will survive any longer without knowing. And then, she kissed me. I could feel her shaking under me, I could taste the tears spilling from her eyes, but I could only barely contain my happiness as she conveyed every once of love she contained into that kiss. That kiss was a promise that things would be okay, that we were okay. That we were Naomi and Emily and nothing could and will never keep us apart. We spent the rest of the night living as free souls with our friends in Freddie's shack. Cook fucked off a little while before, probably off thinking or scoring some more grass. I couldn't be bothered really, as much as I loved the fucker, tonight was only about me and Emily. We laughed and drank and smiled the night through. Nothing could ruin this moment. Not even Katie's half disgusted, half delighted glances. As unsettling as it was.

So, I realized what one of the changes I made is. I have become more responsible. I'm more of an adult. I don't react emotionally anymore. I mean, if I'm on my period I will probably cry and get angry and stuffs. It is very weird. I feel older and more responsible. I'm way more confident in myself. I hold myself better and I react in a more professional way. it's really weird So, I sent in a loan application and I'm waiting for it to get approved. Crossing my fingers, if not I'm fucked, I'll have to pay 697 straight up. And when I get paid on Thursday, my last day at work, I'm only going to have maybe a max of 500. That's being generous with my paycheck. I don't think I can get anyone to give me 200 dollars. And even if I do I'll be fucked for school books and shit and I will still have to find a cosigner to pay the rest of it off because there is no way in hell that I can get another 700 dollars for the next payment. I'm really worried actually. I'm a bit fucked if shit goes tits up, or if it doesn't go through in time. I'm really just crossing my fingers.