Testing testing, 1 2 3

RA RA RA RA RA RA

XD I just slept for like 30 minutes while I was taking a test for Environmental science XDDD

I passed with a 90 though, thank gid those things aren't timed, or I didn't turn off the wireless connector by accident XDDD

So today I was tired, but what do you expect when you go to bed at 1a.m. and don't fall asleep until like 2 30 -3 a.m.

At the end of after school practice, Neon DRAGGED me to our English classroom, where our teacher said she would post who would be taking her AP exam. Now, I have her first period, and the first thing she said about that, was that, her first round elimination was if you had bellow an 80 in her class, now I was like, oh well, I'm out, because I currently have a 55 in the class for not turning in any major test grades XD shut up :) so then was multiple choice test and then writing section. So I wasn't all excited to go see me NOT get it, I wanted to take my U.S. History one though X( I got an almost 4! But since teachers get to pick, I didn't have a chance! Stupid new policy, I liked my World History's teacher's method. "Do you want to take it?" "Okay" That was awesome, and I passed that with a 3, it would have been a 4 if I knew exactly what I was in for. Like, in U.S. History I know what to expect, except I SUCK at the essay portion, the hardest shit in the world. So, Neon is in the same situation as me. We both like English, we just NEVER turn in our work, she has a better work ethic than me in that class, though, as surprising as it may seem. But we get there and she has a short list(which I was shocked to see) and I was like lemme see if my name is there, though I'm sure it's not, and I was like HOLY SHIT IT'S ON THERE. I was incredibly shocked. But Neon wasn't, and I don't know how she wasn't! I really was shocked that she didn't make the cut, she said she felt very confident. But idk, I was still shocked that I made it, I REALLY though my teacher pretty much hated me at this point! I have not turned at Major Papers(we've had 4 so far) since school started, I turn in everything late. It's just wow.

So that was the best part of my day, the rest of it sucked. But it's okay! I no longer feel the need to bash in Bastards head, only when he's being a douche! Omg, so i don't remember if I wrote this down, but, once there was this chick in my U.S. History class that is really smart, but she's Indian which doesn't matter to me at all, or the school, but it's relevant to the story, so we took this test and she got a hundred on it, and douche being a jealous bastard was all like "It's because she's trained in memorization, and all that shit, that's the only reason she got a 100", now I wasn't talking to him at this time, this was during the first fall out. And this girl is super innocent, super nice, and never did anything bad to anyone, probably in her life. But man, he was a douche, thankfully my friend sits in between us, so she kicked him and told him to shut up, and he tried to defend himself by saying, "What it's true, people like her learn things like that so they can pass the tests, they don't learn it, they just memorize at produce." I was like, could you be anymore of a douche. And yeah. All my friends think he's a douche, and I've told him they do, because he is, in fact, a douche. An insensitive bastard. So yeah. I can't wait until someone knocks him down his crappy self made pedestal.

So yeah... I still haven't done my homework, or finished my physics worksheets, or anything like that, today has really not been productive other than that test I fell asleep during XD What?! I only have 26 more days(it has the count down on the side, so I'm not a count down type person lol) and I still have like 25-14, 11 more chapters left! And I need to finish my Junior Theme project I haven't even STARTED. She gave us this voucher, though, that allows me to only use 3 of the 4 books required. So, SCORE.

I want to cut my hair!!! Rawr! But I'm waiting until the Band Banquet day! (Or the day before) to see how my hair is behaving, and what dress I'm wearing, (Which FYI, I still need to buy), because I'm thinking of chopping it all off and doing this thing with it, but, I'm not sure yet, my hair has changed SO MUCH, in the past years, I have no idea anymore, and I don't remember how my hair looked like when I originally chopped off that, like foot of hair I had. And I have no honest pictures, because me and pictures at that time, were not friends. So, blah! Hahaha, I think I've rambled enough. So I bid you adeiu

roar

So, I didn't do any of my homework XD

I'll do it today, oh wait it's still not 12, tomorrow then.

I have a win of the day today!

So my email address is coexistppl-@hotmail.com

The only reason I put the dash there was because someone already had coexistppl@hotmail.com

So I'm tired of not getting all my emails because colleges are idiots (now that's irony) and they can't comprehend the dash at the end of my email, so I decided to check if the person still had that email or if they got fed up with all my missed emails. Well! imagine my happiness to find the email FREE, so it's mine now! Yay! So now I get the email regardless! I think all my misguided emails drove mystery person crazy and left the email behind! Yay!!!

So that was my little moment of win.

Dude I can't sleep XD I took a shower too late! Oh well. Um... my day was mediocre, I didn't really get anything accomplished.

Let's see... nothing... I want an electric guitar. But idk if I want to learn it! lol. maybe one day, I'll try it in college when I don't care for it anymore.

I want ramen!!! I want some!!! Hm... okay. I have nothing to say about my day and it seems like my mother won't bother me to sleep anytime soon. So I am going to rant about Bastard. You can totally ignore the ending of this message.

So me and him had been friends since 6th grade. He was a new type of person, and it was cool. We went to different middle schools, so I didn't talk to him, because we lived far away from each other, his parents were strict, he didn't have internet or a phone. So we didn't really talked we started high school and we were friends again, but he was different. But still my friend, but he was obsessed with the female race, so he dated like mad, and ended up on one, who he ended up dumping either way. So, we became better friends in 10th grade when he started dating my sort of friend. So we all talked and hung out in the fireworks warehouse. But that's another drama, point is we became good friends, I didn't believe in best friends. So in the summer he had a good internet connection so we IMed all the time. It was great. We became super close, he was the second one I told about my change in sexuality. And, we really were good friends, I literally told him everything and he told me everything. During band camp we always talked and played around, we no lie or bull shit, had a solid connection I swear, I really think he was as close to a soul mate as I'm going to get. During school we were pretty awesome. We had ALWAYS fought like dogs though! We really fought a lot, at least once a day. And sometimes it would get really intense. lol. We would talk everyday, until the end. I remember once in Winter break I think, he called me to say good night(which he would always do almost everyday unless Tungsten would keep him until bed) and we would text and he would randomly call me and I would answer and we would talk for ever. Once he was really tired, but I kept him on the line with my elementary experience, and funny things I had figured out and how I wasn't totally bsing when I said I was bi, because I talked about girls to him a lot, that he thought I went all teh was to lesbian, but he was a guy, and he would get all awkward when I talked about liking a guy, or thinking this guy was hot, or about my ex's. So I told him about that girl in pre-K and things like that. And he told me a lot of things too. Man. We had really good talks. But we were getting stressed about school and he and Tungsten were getting a lot of problems. So he was really being a douche because he was tired, I understand, but after a while it gets really tiring, and I had to do everything, I had to talk first the only thing he always hugged me first though, that's about it. So idk. We were both fed up, and we had a really intense fight and I fell asleep rather than deal with it, and (Oh great, only this bastard could make me cry lol) we just didn't talk the next day, or teh next or that week or the week after that, and we just didn't talk, until he asked why I stopped talking to him, and I told him, it was because I really was tired of making the first move. And after a long conversation we started talking again. It was different though, I was hurt because of teh past, it reminded me too much of teh ppast and he was more worried about Tungsten and himself than me really. But we did argue a lot that we weren't the same. Until he just blew up. I was at physics tutorials for UBMS 6-8p.m. and he texted me saying hi, and I replied but only slowly. because I was doing work and I was really was not in teh mood that day. And he didn't care enough, or worried enough about me so he didn't deserve to know about my friend who I had jus found out was in the hospital because of her problem, he didn't deserv to know that. So I didn't tell him about it, and he was mad at me for not going in depth about this dream he had, it was really insignificant. But idk. He got mad at me, and after that he just really started yelling at me through text about stupid little things, I wasn't fueling it at all, because when he's stressed he does that sometimes, but this time I couldn't put out the fire. He just kept getting mad and angry, and he was just looking for a fight and I wasn't going to play that game, but after hours of it I just got pissed, I didn;t know whether or not to ask my friend why she was in teh hospital(even though I had already guessed it) and I was trying to not panic about a test the next day (physics) and my mother was being a bitch, and I just snapped and I began telling him that he was just trying to find a fight, and that he wasn't a little angel, and that if he didn't want this friendship to continue to just say so and stop talking to me. And he did. He yelled a few more texts, and he just stopped. And I was just fed up. And we haven't talked since. I haven't even looked at him in the face since then, only in my friends stupid picture she has as her profile pic on facebook, and I don't look at it, it just catches me off guard, especially when she had just gotten it. God I hate her for having that as her pic, you think she would be considerate, but she's one of those shitty friends I was talking about before. And I really miss him, like real talk (XP)

So, yeah, but I'm not going to mend the friendship. I can't do that again. I broke another rule by staying friends with him after the first fight. So I'm not going to mend the relationship. I hope I find someone I can confide in like that. Holmium has been very close to me ever since though, so a good has come from the bad, or for my nerd side that is begging me to write down, Like when Fawkes burst into flame and she is reborn from the ash. I know! I'm a nerd! So I will slowly get over him. XD

I also realize that I made a really long paragraph, again, but the point of that is if they really want to know, they'll read it. Because it's easier to find things if it's all separated and you have to know it was KILLING ME on the inside to not separate my ideas, it goes against my english grammar and organizational skill XP

Posted like 17 hours late XD My internet died last night! Not my fault!

Intermission

Wow! I'm about to finish my 5th chapter today in online environmental science. Man. And I've passed all the tests with an 80 or better! I even got a 100(the one time I didn't cheat) lol, ironic eh?

I'm still behind about 16 chapters, but at this rate I think I'll get ten done tomorrow. I will do my english homework too. I really put off everything until today. I'm not completely at fault, though. I have been out the past few days until late, so I didn't have decent recuperation time XD

ooo, I'm going for 6 chapters! Let's just see when my mom bitches at me to fall asleep. I get sleepy around 10 p.m. so I am viable to sleep immediately anytime after that. And I wake up 6 hours after I fall asleep, and then I wake up at hour intervals, so no one can say my sleeping pattern will be screwed up if I fall asleep late. Just because I don't want to wake up in the morning doesn't mean I lack sleep(completely) it just means I am way to comfortable to be bothered to wake up.

Woah! I got super tired while I was taking that last test I got a 78.95

So! I have decided to make an introductory post! My first one isn't ALL that clear, the one on my other blog is, but that's besides the point!

Mi nombre is! Nah, you wouldn't believe me even if I told you XD I have a mexican heritage, but I so do not act mexican at all. America has gotten the best of me. But I LOVE mexican food! It'll be the hardest thing to leave behind when I become a vegetarian because mexicans are carnivores! My cousin's even call me 'gringa' which is what we call white people in spanish, it's a derogatory term in the eyes of gringos, but honestly, we aren't going to call them the color white, one because that's a name in spanish, two because yeah, there is no two XD

I act normal, not really like any race. I always forget I'm mexican, or that I'm 16. I am 16! And I will turn 17 this April. I am I guess what you would label as smart, though I don't feel like it most of the time, I''m 41 in my huge class, but I used to be 24, so big difference there. Um... I am pretty random and crazy, not as much as before, but I blame school and all the work my stupid AP teachers give us, not including tests and such. I am a band nerd, I really do love band, even though I really complain about it a lot, I have really learned a lot in band and it's a part of me now whether I like it or not. I do want to go to college majoring in Music Composition and Chemistry. I want to the best Chemist out there, and I will be don't worry ;) and look out for my 'classic' music, it'll be coming, maybe even a play in the future :D I really hate History, I retain it, but I really prefer not to learn it in the depth that I'm learning it, but my damned mind and it's quest for knowledge keeps making me get in AP History classes, though they make my life miserable. I don't like the class English, but I like writing and reading on my OWN time, and not being ordered to do it. I'm sure somewhere along the line some english teacher rubbed me the wrong way and made me hate english teacher's authority. I LOVE math and science, my favorite subjects in school! Now, you would think that would make me good in physics, since it is a mixture of both, and that's what I though too, but no. I really SUCK at it, and I've known the teacher since forever, and I know he's super disappointed in me, I can't really look him in the eye anymore XP Music is my true passion though! I really love learning about it, listening to it, and writing it. Especially when I just get a symphony in my head just start playing music that I've never heard before. It's an amazing feeling, too bad I don't have relative/perfect pitch, things would be SO much easier that way. Um... I have a caring mother and father, but my dad has always worked since I was born, so I never really get to see him, so I've grown detached from him, my mom is awesome, but man, this teenage thing is killing her. I really suck as a daughter, but I'll make it up to them later. They know I love them, my teenage brain just won't allow me to show it. It's ridiculous really. I LOVE to read, I just never have time anymore, and I never read school required readings, because me and being forced to read has never worked. Ever since middle school when they made us get a certain amount of points for reading. I remember I would check out books and read books from my english teacher that didn't have a test so I could get points, just to spite them. Because they knew I read, I just had an issue with being forced to read. I'm telling you some english teacher did me wrong somewhere along the years. Spanish is my first language, I had to learn english when I started school in pre-k and kindergarten, and I caught on fast, me and this other kid in my bi lingual class excelled and we were moved into the Gifted and Talented class in 1st grade. It was pretty easy actually. But I was the teachers pet and the suck up. I had my first little kid crush in kindergarten, my best friend of the time, we shared some great talks. I should look her up, she was awesome. Then in 1st grade I developed a crush on this guy who had moved into my class and we both liked each other so we had an unofficial relationship. It was adorable. I did find out in later years that this kid who was my good friend had a total crush on me, it totally explains why he would give my a pencil from the pencil machine everyday. I moved up in school, I was bright I guess, and according to this program we have called 'Encounters'(which is a program for 'creative' smart kids) I was bright and creative, so I was in that until 9th grade when it finished. So, middle school was rough. New people(all my friends moved) new friends, new ideas. I learned a lot, good and bad, I developed a bad habit(haha Dresden dolls, I know I've said it before, but I can't help myself) at the end of my final year in middle school. It really got bad that summer where I developed another bad habit that really didn't help my unstable mental state, and I was going through it with Seaborgium, we were our crutches and sadly enough, each others enablers, neither of us judged. We were good friends none the less, I mean going through that with someone has to make you close. In the end she snapped me out of my daze of depression and deep depression, and Bastard snapped me back into reality. I didn't stop, but I began to decrease everything. I started to regain my normalcy, and 9th grade was pretty rough socially, 3 boyfriends, when I was just trying to get one boy who I had been infatuated with since 6th grade to maybe like me a little. I really did like my 3rd boyfriend, but he ended up being a douche(not to be confused with Bastard) and made my decision of swearing off serious permanent relationships until college. During 9th grade year I had two great best friends one who made me hate everything by the end of our fish year, the other, Hydrogen was really great, we were awesome friends, but I helped her get her boyfriend, who she was infatuated with since middle school, and she became isolated afterwards. I hate that he did that to her because to this day she is very unhappy with her social life. I lost her around the same time as my other idiot best friend, and I broke up with my boyfriend a few weeks later, and yeah, it was pure loss that span of 2 months. It SUCKED. I swore to myself when I finished crying over the break up that I wouldn't cry over anyone that didn't deserve it, and that I wouldn't make a permanent friendship, and by that I meant I wasn't going to let anyone get close enough to me to hurt me, because seriously, if you don't know what that pain is, it SUCKS. And I had no support, because like I said, my friends sucked. There's a reason I say they suck, and that's because during the summer before fish year, where were they? No where to be seen, until fish camp and band camp. Where were they when I lost all my serious relationships no where. So, I have a reason for thinking they suck. I don't blame my new friends, I blame my old ones that's I've know for a very long time. So I went into 10th grade knowing that, and I did pretty solid, no boyfriends, and no best friend, good accomplishment, but I didn't like who I was so I shifted around a few things and I was different. Unfortunately I forgot my 2nd rule, no best friends. So me and Bastard became SUPER close that summer, we had a good friendship at the end of the 2nd semester but we became awesome friends in the summer and we only got closer during band camp. Then school started and we were great friends, then he got a cell phone and we were inseparable. I really thought he wasn't going to be like the rest. But as we all know now, he was. It was like stabbing me repeatedly with a searing hot dull serrated knife the first time we stopped talking and then now it's like someone has the searing hot dull serrated knife in me and when they stab me they jiggle it around for a while and then they stab me again. I don't regret the friendship I've learned so much from him, but god, it fucking hurts. So um... in 8th grade I turned agnostic, in 9th grade I continued it, in 10th I toyed with the idea of being an atheist, and in 11th I became an atheist. And okay, if you've read all of that you should know something else. If you didn't catch it the first time, my first crush was a girl, a very pretty tomboy girl(who I am sure turned out gay or at least bi) in Pre-k before I even knew what gender was, in 1st I liked a boy for a very long time. And the other feelings were just never there for girls then, and when I learned about it being 'bad' to like girls like you should like boys, I suppressed any chance of liking them. So in middle school, absolutely obsessed with this one boy (I still can't help but like to this day) and weird feelings fro random people but I didn't pay attention to those. Then in High school same weird feelings, still being suppressed because they weren't supposed to be there. 9th I was to busy being depressed to care, 10th I gained suspicion but still didn't care much, but in the summer, I couldn't help but feel a mad attraction to 13 on house, but I didn't think much of it. But then I saw Lucky Thirteen, and that beginning scene was like, not watching not watching. Because my parents hardwired me to not look directly at the tv during a passionate scene, so I watched it online again, because I didn't get the chance to watch it all on tv. So my comp is slow so you have to wait FOREVER, for a show to buffer, so I had to replay the beginning a million times to see how far the buffer had gone. and I did the awkward 'put hands over ears, divert eyes somewhere else and go 'lalala' but after like the 10th time, I got tired of doing that and I just watched it, and I was like... wow, that is super hot. And I was like, no, bad thoughts and I just skipped it the rest of times after that. So I bought the episode because 13 was my fav. character and that was her show that episode, and I watched it again on my ipod and was like. I really actually like this. And then, after a while of speculation I took that restriction put on by society and I was like... I like girls... and I thought about it some more, and then I told my not really that kind of buddy, and he was like really? And I was like yeah... but the catch was that, I really still liked that same boy that summer, last summer. And I was like... so wow... it's not total b.s. then... you really can like both. So yup. Did I mention me and that girl were like close to kissing at age 4. Yeah. I think that says that I'm not full of total b.s., at least in my mind it all works out, and Bastard thought the same, that I'm not full of bull shit just covering for being lesbian, he also realized that being bi is complete b.s.. So that was my self discovery this summer, lol. What else... oh I don't try to hide it at all really, people just don't see what they aren't looking for, they can only suspect. I really am not going to act on it at all though, not until college, because girls are a bunch of drama and commitment freaks. lol, at least the ones here who I would even consider, are. What else... Okay, I'll just flat out say it, it's almost 4 a.m. anyways, I can get away with it in my mind. I am and have been a cutter. Bad habit number one is that. 99% of the scars you'll see are not from my cat maybe like 5 really are, the rest are self inflicted. Yeah, I know totally messed up, I should stop blah blah, and I did, but I kept thinking about it, and it happened. I couldn't help it. It'll probably get as bad as before, but I really don't mind it at the moment. I was clean for several months and even before then it was like one cut. Bad habit 2 in this post was EDNOS. Yeah, I know stupid me, and you wouldn't know it seeing me now, but that's because I'm deviating in my head. These past few years have been major binge, the future years are going to be major opposite of binge. And I know that's bad to but oh well. Okay, so it's day now, and I can think straight again! Some of my sentences are really choppy, and I know that, but man, to re-read ALL that I just wrote would take me for EVER. So if you have question as to what I was trying to say somewhere, just ask and I'll tell you XD

And yes I know, I'm some kind of screwed up in the head, but eh. I've been dealing with it ever since before I started high school, no ones really noticed and they don't need to know. I'll deal with it on my own time, it's not that bad at the moment anyways.

So... hm... I believe that's all you need to know about me, my past, and my future, Oh, well I'm tall, 5' 10"ish I have (now) medium long brown hair that I never do anything with because my hair hates me, I have brown eyes and I'm normally a very whiteish pale color, but with stupid band and my stupid mexican roots, I tan like a mo' fo'. So I am SUPER tan right now, and I've basically been avoiding the sun since marching band ended in November. Oh I am from Texas, where the sun is unrelenting. and we get to those hundreds. And the grid(where we practice on) is invulnerable to clouds, there can be cloud EVERYWHERE except the grid, they make a special path way just especially for us >:( But yup, and the humidity down where I live is KILLER. Oh one more thing! I don't have a favorite color XD

grarodhsja

So on my journey to reaching 100 posts, I decided I shall post another blog, so I did say I was going to watch Bandslam, and I did, but the following is not directly related to anything I saw.

So, one, I really need to buy a guitar, I was obsessed with buying one a few years back. I wanted the bass, because I sincerely thought it was the coolest thing ever. I really want one though, it's one of those instruments I want to learn how to play, along with the piano, the violin, and a reed instrument, maybe brass idk. But I need to save up for one! I would love to include guitar in one of my later compositions.

Two, my music playlist is getting OLD. It's the same old music, I used to upload maybe 10 bands/artists a week or at least month, now it's like one a MONTH. That is so lame. People wonder how I got 2500+ songs, well it's because I see someone suggest it, or I hear the name somewhere, and I decide to youtube or lala one, then I decided whether they are worth it, and even if it's iffy, I continue on the journey and download their songs. I mean, like 20 at least. Still doesn't explain the 2500+ (actually I think 3000+ I haven't gotten the others off my other computer.) in the summer when I had no life, I would look up bands, or Pandora a band that no one had ever heard of (or no one cared to hear then) and I would see their related artists. And man, have I known some bands that blew UP, before they were even close to famous, they all blend now, but man. Awesomeness. Omg, like System of a Down, maybe they're not HUGE, but around my friends, NO ONE (basically) knew about them in middle school, when I first heard them, and now my whole arrangement of friends know about them. Or, Muse, or 3DG(whom I'm absolutely obsessed with btw).

Three, I so need to meet new people. You may ask, why does she never really talk about her friends in her posts, or why does she obsess over one or two, well I have very few actual friends, the others I would call acquaintances. And the friends I do have pretty much are lame. No offense friends! But come on. You guys are dry, you talk about the same things over and over and over again. The drama is the same, there is nothing spicy. I mean talking about video games/anime/whether or not you're going to the next con MONTHS away sure is interesting the first few times around but we are TEENAGERS! We are supposed to be reeking havoc and doing things we're not supposed to be doing! And I wouldn't count the occasional 'truancy' or walking REALLY slow to class, or listening into gossip as risky. This is why bastard and me got along, we planned things to do, but you know life gets in the way, and by life I mean his girlfriends, or the lack of transportation. But we at least planned and KNEW our lives were boring. And if you guys are happy the way you are, well then don't let me damper your fun. But I (imagine the 'I' being lower case, and me capitalizing the 'I' for emphasis) need something fun. In my terms. That used to be fun when I was in 6th grade and I didn't know what cussing was, or what I was watching was anime, and you guys were 'bad' for knowing what yaoi was or hentai THAT was exciting, but I'm 16 going on 17 and you guys haven't changed, and I have, I changed a long time ago, and that's why I've distanced myself.

That was a long paragraph!

Four, seriously UPDATE MY PLAYLIST. My goal from the beginning was to reach 10,000 or filling my ipod up to the max.(which back then it was)

Hahaha, wow, I just figured out that when I read a post where some chick is trying to write spanish(whether it be grammatically correct or not) I read it all broken up like an idiot chicana or like Neon XD I never realized it before.

I FINALLY cleared my desk! But I've been sneezing like mad ever since I started and even when I was finished! I don't think I've ever sneezed so much, it's like 3 on average per minute. Like I'll be calm one moment and go crazy the next.

Oh I didn't mention before, I don't hate myself today (yesterday now, technically)! It's pretty great. I've never been at ease with it, even now I'm not, but the hate is not seeping into my pores. Which is a good thing I guess!

Man, spring break is almost over!!! That is so lame... hahaha, I love the WGLG board, the girls on there have the most awesome siggy's and the pictures they have are officially coolness (OH COME ON! My spell check accepts 'coolness' but not 'awesomeness' I had to add it!)

Sneaker Pimps, are officially the bombdiggidy. Yes... I just said bombdiggidy. I love learning about awesome bands. Yay for youtube videos!

Don't you just love it when you randomly find someone basically staring at you, or you strike up a conversation with someone and they act all sheepish? Once I was at Office Depot(I think) and I was buying things for school, and I was buying a rubber band ball(best investment EVER) and the person at the register told me about how they played with the ball in their free time(when someone didn't buy it) and the way they acted while they just randomly said it was so adorable! I was like, yeah, I know, they are totally awesome, but I swear person would not look at me in the eye, it was so funny. I was like aw, person would be a great friend +.

I always have random encounters with people like that. And it's always fun.

So I'm basically writing all my thoughts here because, it's almost 4 a.m. and there is nothing but infomercials on t.v. if I turned it on to skim through the channels. And, it's 4a.m. and I always forget my random thoughts. I've had the best conversations when I've been half asleep, and I've gotten in trouble all the same XD

This and gURL is keeping be entertained while Sneaker Pimps is on in the back ground.

One day I'll be brave and say everything there is to say about me, but man, right now I'm a coward! haha, man. I feel like being truent on Monday, but I don't know if- OMFG I HAVE A PHYSICS TEST ON MONDAY AND I HAVE NOT FINISHED THOSE WORKSHEETS SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT! I am going to fail worse than usual! I sucked up the extra credit... man, shit... crap. Oh well... I'm failing, if I remember tomorrow I'll work on them. So to continue my original thought, I can't be truent because of this stupid test, I was going to say I don't know whether I have useless Med. Term or Physics on Monday, and we both now know what I have on Monday.

I think I'm giving up(for now) on trying to not do that bad habit(hahaha, dresden dolls, I have way too many songs -_-) I think I'll just continue until an alternative or things take a turn for the better, I think my life will improve in not worrying about it all the time, well, I'll have a different problem, but let's not worry about that at 4 a.m./right now. Wow, that sounds so hopeful, it's really not. lol.

Schizo!

I am now officially following my own blog! I did not know that was possible...

So my day was pretty ugh. I have not done anything productive today. I did spend about an hour, hour and a half cleaning my cats ear. I am assuming he had something in his ear because he totally destroyed his ear trying to get it. So that was lame. I had always wondered why my parents had dissecting scissors. Totally odd, but they came in handy today. So, I shall no longer question you parents!!!

SO, I have lost my phone for the millionth time. I don't know where it is. I'll look for it in the near future, it's in my room, but if you've had to clean your cats ear while he fights, and you know he's in pain, it's pretty draining.

This is probably the earliest I've ever posted! Granted, it's 9 (according to the 'Draft auto saved') OMG CAT CORA IS GAY!!! Yes, that was necessary to yell. Wow, I had always thought something was up. But I never questioned her awesomeness. If you have no idea whom I'm talking about, it's Cat Cora the only female Iron Chef, on Iron Chef America, on the Food Network. I am in absolute shock. I just looked it up. I was watching 'The Best Thing I Ever Ate' and Cat was talking about Eggs with asparagus spread, and she said she went there pregnant with her parter who was also pregnant. And I was like... what? So I googled it, I wikied it and bam. Cat is gay. Wow, that seems so fitting now XD I just thought I'd share that with the world

None of my homework has been started, and it's Friday. I have 3 days to, hold on, I have to change shirts, this one is giving me a headache. So yeah. I really should start that homework, but I really don't want to! I just found my phone! Yay!

So today has been er, but I'm surprisingly happy. And Shu, I think you're right. I was thinking the same thing, pretty much why I haven't tried to contact him. Man, it would be crazy if Bastard found this blog, crazier if he saw my private one, woah, now he would be pissed and shocked all at the same time, lol.

I think this post has the most made-up words in it. Well, at least according to my spell check they are made up, in my mind, they are 100% real.

Okay, so I got SORTA side tracked, I looked up, Top 60 Ghetto black names, and then The band director at the middle school posted a million short videos of us at middle school night. Memories man! I still remember my counts in teh show XD

Last year! I cried during this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MTkohVhK8JA so did Danny, man, everyone is like, rub eye... avoid looking at danny, damnit! He's conducting it...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e6Y-Hd6NYAM&feature=related man the end was hilarious! You can't even notice though.

This years show :/ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4VLagAErROk

The ballad and closer at our best performance, because no one has a good video of us, at our best performance http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-cv3xgKPKdU&feature=related last years show

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=37cr7S7UAfI&feature=related

a better version of our awesome performance

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yfeM9F2Q7pg&feature=related

another version

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n3iGns6LfeA&feature=PlayList&p=4798445BFB5B3241&index=1

awesome goforth! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Mn9wEdRqEk&NR=1

My fish year so 2 years ago http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uhwWjtk3SkA&feature=related

Okay, now I REALLY got sidetracked! lol

So yeah, enough of my major band posting.

Today was lame as I said before, and man my arm is red, had to wear a jacket today, my parents thought it was weird but they didn't say anything to me. Tomorrow it should go down, I think, if I remember right.

Oh wow, I am a total bandie, I forgot, I'm going to watch band slam that new movie, lol. Oh well. I need to re download Finale NotePad and start re writing 'Schizophrenic' I swear I'm gonna make that a hit piece and an awesome play, I'm thinking one man, but it could evolve. It will probably one man, because it's about one man, with schizophrenia. It will be AWESOME! I swear it will. lol.

..!

omg! This chick has the most awesome shirt, I saw it on her profile when I was trying to get a better look at her, because seriously, those pics you can put on gURL are the size of my thumb.

I totally understand the term 'thumbnail' now. XD

Today was odd. I slept until 1 I stayed in bed until 2, I have been generally happy today. And yeah you might say that, that's normal, but in my world and mind, happiness is not something that happens really ever. Sure it's not true happiness because I'm still fighting with myself to whether or not talk to him(as you can see I did not ask Tungsten how much he hates me) and I still have an ass load of work I have yet to get started on. But man, today has been good.

I could say I just ruined it, but I can't. I really want to say no, but I did it and man. My mind was reeling, I forgot how it felt. It's been months since I've last done it. I imagine it's like taking a hit, not that I would know, but man. It feels awesome. I REALLY hate that I think that, but let me have my moment, I'll hate myself tomorrow when I'm left to deal with the remnants. Woah, that sounds so sexual, it's not lol. But I don't care for a code for it, it doesn't deserve that, it's a part of my life that I want gone, but it's hard to kick. Especially when it feels like an amazing adrenaline rush! Just 2 right now and it's like I'm riding high. That sound horrible even if you know what I'm talking about, more disturbing actually.

So I've really been thinking about what K told me yesterday. I wish everything were so easy, she's so much more courageous and open than me. I can't be that open, my old personality won't allow for it. It's a drag, but I'm hoping to shake that person off when I move to college. I want to be the courageous person people perceive me to be, where my ideals speak for me, rather than judgement. I hate that about my self, I want to be open for all to know who I am and what I truly believe, but I stick with sliding across the edge choosing no side or just listening, I have so much to say, but that would all give it away. Damn me.

I have no idea what to do about him, I want him back, we were to close to have it end like that. But our ending was so intense. I don't want to pick at an old would for him if he truly no longer wants to be friends. I seem hard and cold around him but in reality I'm devastated about it. I really just blocked it off and concentrated on the anger and not the sadness, because I couldn't deal with that and what Seaborgium was going through. God I miss her, she was a great friend.

3 now, I think it'll go up to ten, unless I go crazy and just slash away. Which is highly probable.

Hm... what else. I think I want to go to a private liberal college(yes I realize the irony in that statement) my first 4 years, and then transfer to a research college, like MIT, or Columbia. Idk. I think I've got it down though.

Jeez, the rush is becoming more and more delayed. Ugh, I swear I'll get over it one day, but sure it's been months since it was last done, but I have been thinking about it for months and only not doing it because I am extremely lazy.

Agh, if it's not one thing, it's another.

random

Hahahaha, I got on gURL just for a few seconds and opened up my favorite shout out boards, and I scrolled down past all the lame stuff but still reading what it said, it was the normal lame stuff but when I reached the bottom of the page it read "The Chart" and I literally LMAO. Because I knew exactly what they were talking about! And then I saw the beginning of the title, but I have always wanted to start one, but man, one my friends have been with NO ONE, but when I'm a sophomore in college I will so tell my friends to start one. It will be tell all, but man, it will be awesome! Especially if I go to a small college, I'll love it!

So, I'm going to give my cat a bath today, THAT should be fun, lol.

Lyrics?

So today was decent. The beginning sucked though. I had to go visit that idiot. Man, she just spews b.s. every where. I can barely contain my comments when she's talking. I hate it, but after two hours we FINALLY left I was texting Unununium(I realize how fake that element sounds, but it actually exists) the entire time, but the signal in that apartment SUCKS!

So after we left that hell hole, we went to go visit my not really uncle, and my aunt and my cousin (K), and her boyfriend/soon to be fiance. We took her nephews to this really nice park where her dad(my uncle) works, it was awesome, it had a bunch of white middle class people there. There was even this lady who was speaking french to her three kids! It was amazing! She had the most amazing eyes too! And this little girl came up to me, as I was talking to K, and started talking about my nails and we discussed their colors, she later just walked away with out even a good bye. Adorable white toddler though.

So, me and K talked about EVERYTHING. We talked about her unborn child, birth control, pregnancy scares, the baby's future names (whos initials will either be, RIG or NIG. I do like both because backwards they are, GIR(from invader zim) and GIN(a awesome alcohol and card game)) Ruben Isaiah [insert last name here] or Nathan/ial Isaiah [insert last name here], it's awesome. I have told her she will need to spam my phone the moment that baby is born. I will love it to DEATH, lol. K and I also discussed what has been going on with me and bastard. It was very refreshing to get a different perspective on it. She is a real down to earth, kinda ghetto, real person. So, she gave me a variety of options, but she told me if I really wanted to keep the friendship going I needed to talk to him, now I know Technetium is going to chew my ass out, but I'm thinking about it. I know I just posted a rant last night about it, but I really really do miss him, it's pathetic really, but it's like having a part of you that had just become accustomed to trusting a certain person you would give your life for, and having it ruthlessly ripped out of you. I was near tears talking to her about it actually, which is INCREDIBLY insane, because I never cry about anything, but my eyes were beginning to tear up and my voice began to shake, but I kept through it with out shedding a tear, mostly because my parents and her parents and her two nephews were present in the room. It was just shit. She could tell that I was sincere about what I was saying, and gave me, what I think, is great advice. I'm thinking about it, but I won't lie, I'm scared. Mostly because it was a bloody fight, and I know that I said that if he couldn't take it, to just stop being friends. It was a brutal fight, I hated it, and so much shit was going on, but I won't tell him that part. I'm asking Tungsten tomorrow, how much he hates me, and depending on her answer, I'll then proceed to compose a text or email, or offline message for him to read because I don't think I could do it in person, really. She encouraged me to do it in person, but I really don't think I could take it, I'm almost 100% sure I would pretty much break down, lol. Technetium is going to kill me XD

So yeah, we talked for hours, literally. We haven't talked in forever so that explains it.

Man, typing a long message on my blackberry keyboard and then switching back to this notebook keyboard, then back to the blackberry is so disorienting! Rofl. Mad, man. lol

Bloody insane! XD

Now my mind is reeling back to WHAP, wow, so much info, and it's mixing into my APUSH, now that is bloody insane.

So I'm kind of over the O.C., I just wanted to see when Alex (Olivia Wilde) comes in, but that is in the second season, and I still have like 20 epsiodes until then.

Happiness is a warm gun baby

Happiness is a warm gun mama

Happiness is a woah oh

Don't you know that happiness is war, yes it is

Gun.......

Pop music is not a crime

I hate the very thought of him! So why the hell can't I just forget him?! Why do I have to be in 4 classes with him?! I hate him, I hate him, I hate him, and if not that I really dislike him, but I hate him! But it's like an icy hot hate. I can't even describe it, what I'm saying probably makes no sense, but oh well, it's helter skelter. I have a major rage that surges through my body when he's close to me or when I even see him, if he were close to me the first days after the fall out I'm pretty sure I would have severely hurt him. Even thinking of him pisses me off. Seeing his idiot face any where makes me want to destroy it. He thinks he's all that, but he's an idiot. I don't understand why he even thinks he knows anything. Especially at lunch! He tells someone else to shut up because he THINKS he knows what someone is thinking, but he is 100% WRONG. I haven't met anyone as dense as him EVER. And I've known several idiots in my days.

Ugh, I know you must be wondering why I can't just not be near him, but all my friends are his friends. Both of us know all our opinions over our friends, we know every thing about each other(even though he thinks I'm a selfish bitch), we know the good and bad of each other. And we REALLY have to be far away from each other, because I can still feel that idiot connection we had formed over the months, and I know he can to because I still know what the fuck he's feeling, much to my dismay. It's not a clean cut for either of us, even though he's acting as though it is. What infuriates me the most, though, is that I know that if he comes back and tells me that he misses our talks or anything like that, or even gives me that look, I would take him back as a friend in a heart beat. And that just pisses me off. I WANT to hate him to my core, but I can't. I'm not totally innocent but I was willing to make it work. FUCK IT

So in other new, I'm totally liking Cesium, though I really don't want to, because I still have that crush on Dysprosium, that one needs to leave already, it's been months already. After Thorium, I really don't want to like anyone, especially friends, and especially when I am so not in the mood. Not to mention Holmium, I don't even know what is going through that mind.

This whole week has been a DRAG! I've just wanted to go anywhere but this house and just hang out, or run (so far away! XP). I just feel like sitting on my windows ledge and smoking in the middle of night/morning. Or even reverting back to my old ways. Or talking to Actinium and exchanging for him to get me some booze. I am so over safety and my well being, once all this school shit is over with I really want to go mad.

Now that There is gone, I really don't feel like moving to another game, I have accounts to them, but it's like starting over, and I really don't want to. To be honest I do miss Calcium, she was a really good friend, but she's happy now and I'm happy for her, she's overcome a lot. The rest of them will live with out me, but me and Calcium were close.

I need to clean my ceiling fan, now that I look at it XD

I am determined to forget that friendship, maybe not everything, but this dwelling in the past thing is not cool (referring to bastard)

I hope he quits band. I don't want to deal with him if I become section leader.

So yeah, school is a major drag. It would make anyone go crazy. I'm almost 100% sure I'm pretty much clinically depressed. More than half my friends are pretty suckish. I need another bastard, minus the bastard trait or at least a less of a bastard.

Tomorrow I have to go see my father's mother, yeah I know my 'grandmother' but when I imagine that, I imagine an old lady or even youngish old lady talking to you being nice telling you happy stories or life lesson stories. The lady I got stuck with is a drunk who honestly just needs to die, she raised a bunch of drunks and a very separated family that doesn't know love. That whole family sucks. And my technically not uncle. He was married to my blood related aunt, but now they are separated bordering on divorce, he's pretty cool, but technically not family and just a waste of time to go visit. I get to waste my day seeing them, I'll only have the night to myself, and tomorrow maybe a tipping point, as it is turning out to be.

STUPID RUNAWAYS MOVIE IS COMING OUT ON FRIDAY BUT NO WHERE IN HOUSTON, THE CLOSEST PLACE IS 140.5 MILES AWAY IN AUSTIN!!! STUPID AUSTIN!!! NOW I HAVE TO WAIT FOR THE STUPID DVD IF NO ONE RECORDS IT!

So Dysprosium, sigh, a cool person, but a little young for my taste, but eh. I just don't want to like. But whatever, it'll go away, eventually, hopefully. Oooo, my cable is acting all bitchy. It has a bad picture and is blacking out, making me miss the end of Ace of Cakes!!!

It's 2:30 a.m. where I live, I don't even feel that tired, I've reached that point of where you're tired but you've been awake so long you're getting your second wind.

Thorium has this thing about smoking, he does it. I gave him a pack of my moms, and he totally loved me for it. But man, I really don't want to give it a chance, lol, since my mother does it I really don't want to try it. Alcohol, on the other hand, is something I can't wait to have. Thorium always said he was going to get me some, but he never kept his word. Neither did Actinium. People suck. Thorium did offer to acquire some drugs for me, but nah. I don't really want to smoking/injecting ones. I'm pretty sure I'll be more of a pill person. And I'm not a fan of those cheap drugs, at least the weed my cousin had was of better class(she knew the person who she got them from personally). But yeah. I love Ace of Cakes. It's awesome.

Jeez my mother is a bitch, telling me to fall asleep. I could care less when I sleep, the days will all just mesh together in the long run in the end. What ev

O.C.

I always feel so sad for people who are maybe 10 or 11 years old and they find the need to cut. And then they continue attempting to get that same high, and eventually just cutting harder and harder, and they aren't even in high school yet. I mean, what the hell. I mean I understand that life is shit, but to start in elementary or 6th grade? That's just intense. I always fell so sad for them , whenever I read their stories on the shout out boards. It makes me incredibly sad when I read about people starting to develop an eating disorder, in elementary school! I mean what fucked up parent would tell their child who is at a normal weight in elementary school they are fat? I mean what the fuck?! I've read so many biographies about people who have dealt with an eating disorder their whole lives because their parents where self-contempt idiots that told them they were fat and ugly. I mean, seriously what the hell? Kids absorb everything we say! If adults struggle with the balance of good and bad, how the hell do you think a child will decide what's good and what's bad? Adults suck. Swear man, they are such a drag.

So, yeah, school is such a drag, I just want to go to college already and study what I love. My top schools? MIT, Columbia University, NYU, Sarah Lawrence College, and somewhere else not including UTA, which is my back up school if all else fails.

Roar. So yeah i took one of those stupid online self test thingy's and once again it told me I was severely depressed. Amazing what they can figure out with 5 choices and 10 questions. Totally lame.

I'm watching the O.C. now. My new t.v. series addiction. Mostly because Olivia Wilde appears somewhere around season 3 or 4 I'm guessing, not the first, that's for sure. If not, I wouldn't be dedicating my time to watching the whole series, but it would not make ANY sense if I watched it in the middle. I did watch The O.C. occasionally when I was younger, but it didn't catch my attention, it was just like 90210, or degrassi, it was there, but t.v. dramas were not my thing when I was 10. Funny thing, though, was that I understood the underlying message just not the subliminal message (A.K.A. the sexual one).

Well, I think that's all. Oh, I STILL HAVEN'T FOUND DIVINE COMEDY!

I'm beyond tired, I'm really having to put a lot of thought as to what I'm writing so if these last couple of paragraphs sound a little off, it's because I feel feverish and I'm a little more than half conscience.

Fugue

THIS IS SO AWESOME! I LOVE THIS PHOTO, I JUST FOUND IT LIKE NOT EVEN 2 MINUTES AGO, lol.

So yeah, Spring break started officially today. But I really, REALLY, hate long breaks, because teachers use that as an excuse to dumps a load of homework on us, including projects from months ago. Like the Junior Theme Project. So the teachers get a break from grading and that shit, while they leave their students to have no break and only do their homework for the 9 days they have off. I hate long breaks. It's not even stress fucking free.

So I told 'Tel (a friend on the bus) about me hating bastard and how much of a douche bag he is. It's funny though, she was a little freaked when I told her about all the violent thoughts I had towards him the first few days after he broke the friendship. It really wouldn't be bothering me this much IF he didn't totally fucking lie his ass off during our fight. I have told several friends about our argument and have shown them the texts, and every time I get to the part where he said I couldn't 'accept' that he had changed, they all interrupted me and asked me "What change?" SO I'M NOT THE ONLY FUCKING ONE! He was being a bitch because I asked during the fight, and he got really pissy and probably the turning point, but he was being a drama king/fag. I have no problem with gay people, trust me I don't, but he was being a fag.

But I honestly have no one to rant to, except this blog. I used to be able to talk to Lithium(I'm changing all the names to elements, except bastard, because he's a douche), but she's going through her own shit right now, so I'm not adding on to it.

Oh!!! Man, he is attempting to piss me off, and it's SO obvious. He talks to our mutual friend in Theory before I get to him. He prefers me though, mostly because no one honestly likes bastard. And today he loitered infront of my Pre-Cal class making my friend chipper, total b.s. he doesn't know shit. I swear I am going to be SO glad when Tungsten breaks up with him. One, because Tungsten is way to good for him, and two because it will be great seeing him have no one. I know that sounds really harsh, but he will have brought it upon himself. I told him why people usually don't like him, he didn't accept it and just told me people are stupid. He has this thing where he HATES the male population because of his daddy issues and his insecurity.

But yeah, I need something to change, life is becoming boring. Change of scene much!

I have nothing else to say, so bye!

Oh! I just found out that Sarah Lawrence College (a college that has been emailing me and sending me a bunch of mail, is a good school! I was writing it off as another lame college just spamming me. Wow, was I wrong. And they are a KICK ASS SCHOOL! I want to attend there now, lol.

Sneaker Pimps

Is a G band. I found them on this girls post about cutting up shirts, which I will SOOO try, when I'm in college lol. Or my senior year, it depends. So yeah, School was a drag! Did I mention that Soubi is now a bastard, so he's being renamed 'Bastard', So, to get this straight Soubi is now Bastard. So me and Bastard are now, no longer friends, he sucks I hate him. A lot.

Now, today was boring. I had theory for 2 hours, and it sucked basically. Nothing happen. But I do have something to tell my other blog! But yeah, now that I did that, Bastard wouldn't SHUT UP. He asked the most idiot questions, it was really annoying. So did kid #1 and #2, but who cares. Bastard get's on my nerves more.

Med. Term, went by fast, I was glad! Band was a drag.

Banquet meeting was super fun though! It made my day! It was pretty great.

We have block schedule this week, and it sucks! I hate it. Tomorrow I have english first thing, and then Physics which will be a drag, and then Band again, along with me not getting home until 8 because of a series of events.

Then Pre-Cal and hardcore studying for my APUSH test, with Med. Term. drag/test. Swear where is that mental distraction like alcohol or drugs. Swear man. Spring break is coming, and that's just a bunch of shit I have to do. It sucks. And summer? No looking forward to that, because I have stupid UBMS, I'm so basically blowing that off, I'm only doing stupid shit no homework, none of that crap helped me, on the contrary it made me so tired that this school year seems never ending. I want to just do stupid shit this summer. Anyone up for doing some stupid shit this upcoming summer?

Excuse my language, but I am so tired of everything. I just want to go crazy, no lie.

Let's see... um... Oh! I though this was hilarious, I found it on some girls siggy, 'Bi just means I don't understand Boys or Girls'

But yeah, that's real reason I updated, I found that quote and thought it was hilarious!

lameness

So I have been feeling so suckish! There is no one to talk to or do anything with.

I found out There was closing yesterday, and that SUCKS! That was like a second home with a bunch of friends. Sure there was drama there, but I still had some good friends. It sucks, now there is a mad search for a new place, preferably not Second life. Ugh. I hate it.

I got a 75 on my APUSH test! And I passed my FIRST EVER physics test! Sure technically I got a 67, but if I had studied or even paid attention to the units I would have passed no doubt! It was a good week for tests. You are probably thinking that those grades are horrible. Which they are, but considering I have never passed a physics test prior to this, and rarely getting a passing grade on my APUSH test, those are good grades.

Next year will be SO much easier, math comes much easier to me. And yes physics is math, but the math part I get, it's the applying it part I don't understand. I have my fortes and I know for a fact History and physics are NOT my fortes.

But yeah, last post. I was too lazy to do it, it is inevitable, I know I'm going to do it, I'm just waiting for the moment where I am pushed over the edge.

I am so bored. I'm attempting to reconnect with the girls, but they produce their own drama so it's a little hard. I'm trying, it's a short friendship anyways, they all want to stay here for college. which is preferable to me, since I'm planning to completely change in college. What ever, I'm sure they'd accept me, but I'd rather not chance it.

Oh TAKS, that was lame I did, however, sleep a good 4 hours! So yay me! I always am like a broken faucet after TAKS, I talk and talk and talk and talk really fast to get my stories across. It's crazy lol. So that's my day. Now to get home in like 2 hours after stupid useless tutorials.

point

This sense of feeling nothing is pretty much throwing me off the edge. I just wanted to write it, to document this day. Because everyone else always knows the exact day. Maybe I'll have that sense of happiness it's been a long time since my last. I don't know, what ever.