Intermission

Wow! I'm about to finish my 5th chapter today in online environmental science. Man. And I've passed all the tests with an 80 or better! I even got a 100(the one time I didn't cheat) lol, ironic eh?

I'm still behind about 16 chapters, but at this rate I think I'll get ten done tomorrow. I will do my english homework too. I really put off everything until today. I'm not completely at fault, though. I have been out the past few days until late, so I didn't have decent recuperation time XD

ooo, I'm going for 6 chapters! Let's just see when my mom bitches at me to fall asleep. I get sleepy around 10 p.m. so I am viable to sleep immediately anytime after that. And I wake up 6 hours after I fall asleep, and then I wake up at hour intervals, so no one can say my sleeping pattern will be screwed up if I fall asleep late. Just because I don't want to wake up in the morning doesn't mean I lack sleep(completely) it just means I am way to comfortable to be bothered to wake up.

Woah! I got super tired while I was taking that last test I got a 78.95

So! I have decided to make an introductory post! My first one isn't ALL that clear, the one on my other blog is, but that's besides the point!

Mi nombre is! Nah, you wouldn't believe me even if I told you XD I have a mexican heritage, but I so do not act mexican at all. America has gotten the best of me. But I LOVE mexican food! It'll be the hardest thing to leave behind when I become a vegetarian because mexicans are carnivores! My cousin's even call me 'gringa' which is what we call white people in spanish, it's a derogatory term in the eyes of gringos, but honestly, we aren't going to call them the color white, one because that's a name in spanish, two because yeah, there is no two XD

I act normal, not really like any race. I always forget I'm mexican, or that I'm 16. I am 16! And I will turn 17 this April. I am I guess what you would label as smart, though I don't feel like it most of the time, I''m 41 in my huge class, but I used to be 24, so big difference there. Um... I am pretty random and crazy, not as much as before, but I blame school and all the work my stupid AP teachers give us, not including tests and such. I am a band nerd, I really do love band, even though I really complain about it a lot, I have really learned a lot in band and it's a part of me now whether I like it or not. I do want to go to college majoring in Music Composition and Chemistry. I want to the best Chemist out there, and I will be don't worry ;) and look out for my 'classic' music, it'll be coming, maybe even a play in the future :D I really hate History, I retain it, but I really prefer not to learn it in the depth that I'm learning it, but my damned mind and it's quest for knowledge keeps making me get in AP History classes, though they make my life miserable. I don't like the class English, but I like writing and reading on my OWN time, and not being ordered to do it. I'm sure somewhere along the line some english teacher rubbed me the wrong way and made me hate english teacher's authority. I LOVE math and science, my favorite subjects in school! Now, you would think that would make me good in physics, since it is a mixture of both, and that's what I though too, but no. I really SUCK at it, and I've known the teacher since forever, and I know he's super disappointed in me, I can't really look him in the eye anymore XP Music is my true passion though! I really love learning about it, listening to it, and writing it. Especially when I just get a symphony in my head just start playing music that I've never heard before. It's an amazing feeling, too bad I don't have relative/perfect pitch, things would be SO much easier that way. Um... I have a caring mother and father, but my dad has always worked since I was born, so I never really get to see him, so I've grown detached from him, my mom is awesome, but man, this teenage thing is killing her. I really suck as a daughter, but I'll make it up to them later. They know I love them, my teenage brain just won't allow me to show it. It's ridiculous really. I LOVE to read, I just never have time anymore, and I never read school required readings, because me and being forced to read has never worked. Ever since middle school when they made us get a certain amount of points for reading. I remember I would check out books and read books from my english teacher that didn't have a test so I could get points, just to spite them. Because they knew I read, I just had an issue with being forced to read. I'm telling you some english teacher did me wrong somewhere along the years. Spanish is my first language, I had to learn english when I started school in pre-k and kindergarten, and I caught on fast, me and this other kid in my bi lingual class excelled and we were moved into the Gifted and Talented class in 1st grade. It was pretty easy actually. But I was the teachers pet and the suck up. I had my first little kid crush in kindergarten, my best friend of the time, we shared some great talks. I should look her up, she was awesome. Then in 1st grade I developed a crush on this guy who had moved into my class and we both liked each other so we had an unofficial relationship. It was adorable. I did find out in later years that this kid who was my good friend had a total crush on me, it totally explains why he would give my a pencil from the pencil machine everyday. I moved up in school, I was bright I guess, and according to this program we have called 'Encounters'(which is a program for 'creative' smart kids) I was bright and creative, so I was in that until 9th grade when it finished. So, middle school was rough. New people(all my friends moved) new friends, new ideas. I learned a lot, good and bad, I developed a bad habit(haha Dresden dolls, I know I've said it before, but I can't help myself) at the end of my final year in middle school. It really got bad that summer where I developed another bad habit that really didn't help my unstable mental state, and I was going through it with Seaborgium, we were our crutches and sadly enough, each others enablers, neither of us judged. We were good friends none the less, I mean going through that with someone has to make you close. In the end she snapped me out of my daze of depression and deep depression, and Bastard snapped me back into reality. I didn't stop, but I began to decrease everything. I started to regain my normalcy, and 9th grade was pretty rough socially, 3 boyfriends, when I was just trying to get one boy who I had been infatuated with since 6th grade to maybe like me a little. I really did like my 3rd boyfriend, but he ended up being a douche(not to be confused with Bastard) and made my decision of swearing off serious permanent relationships until college. During 9th grade year I had two great best friends one who made me hate everything by the end of our fish year, the other, Hydrogen was really great, we were awesome friends, but I helped her get her boyfriend, who she was infatuated with since middle school, and she became isolated afterwards. I hate that he did that to her because to this day she is very unhappy with her social life. I lost her around the same time as my other idiot best friend, and I broke up with my boyfriend a few weeks later, and yeah, it was pure loss that span of 2 months. It SUCKED. I swore to myself when I finished crying over the break up that I wouldn't cry over anyone that didn't deserve it, and that I wouldn't make a permanent friendship, and by that I meant I wasn't going to let anyone get close enough to me to hurt me, because seriously, if you don't know what that pain is, it SUCKS. And I had no support, because like I said, my friends sucked. There's a reason I say they suck, and that's because during the summer before fish year, where were they? No where to be seen, until fish camp and band camp. Where were they when I lost all my serious relationships no where. So, I have a reason for thinking they suck. I don't blame my new friends, I blame my old ones that's I've know for a very long time. So I went into 10th grade knowing that, and I did pretty solid, no boyfriends, and no best friend, good accomplishment, but I didn't like who I was so I shifted around a few things and I was different. Unfortunately I forgot my 2nd rule, no best friends. So me and Bastard became SUPER close that summer, we had a good friendship at the end of the 2nd semester but we became awesome friends in the summer and we only got closer during band camp. Then school started and we were great friends, then he got a cell phone and we were inseparable. I really thought he wasn't going to be like the rest. But as we all know now, he was. It was like stabbing me repeatedly with a searing hot dull serrated knife the first time we stopped talking and then now it's like someone has the searing hot dull serrated knife in me and when they stab me they jiggle it around for a while and then they stab me again. I don't regret the friendship I've learned so much from him, but god, it fucking hurts. So um... in 8th grade I turned agnostic, in 9th grade I continued it, in 10th I toyed with the idea of being an atheist, and in 11th I became an atheist. And okay, if you've read all of that you should know something else. If you didn't catch it the first time, my first crush was a girl, a very pretty tomboy girl(who I am sure turned out gay or at least bi) in Pre-k before I even knew what gender was, in 1st I liked a boy for a very long time. And the other feelings were just never there for girls then, and when I learned about it being 'bad' to like girls like you should like boys, I suppressed any chance of liking them. So in middle school, absolutely obsessed with this one boy (I still can't help but like to this day) and weird feelings fro random people but I didn't pay attention to those. Then in High school same weird feelings, still being suppressed because they weren't supposed to be there. 9th I was to busy being depressed to care, 10th I gained suspicion but still didn't care much, but in the summer, I couldn't help but feel a mad attraction to 13 on house, but I didn't think much of it. But then I saw Lucky Thirteen, and that beginning scene was like, not watching not watching. Because my parents hardwired me to not look directly at the tv during a passionate scene, so I watched it online again, because I didn't get the chance to watch it all on tv. So my comp is slow so you have to wait FOREVER, for a show to buffer, so I had to replay the beginning a million times to see how far the buffer had gone. and I did the awkward 'put hands over ears, divert eyes somewhere else and go 'lalala' but after like the 10th time, I got tired of doing that and I just watched it, and I was like... wow, that is super hot. And I was like, no, bad thoughts and I just skipped it the rest of times after that. So I bought the episode because 13 was my fav. character and that was her show that episode, and I watched it again on my ipod and was like. I really actually like this. And then, after a while of speculation I took that restriction put on by society and I was like... I like girls... and I thought about it some more, and then I told my not really that kind of buddy, and he was like really? And I was like yeah... but the catch was that, I really still liked that same boy that summer, last summer. And I was like... so wow... it's not total b.s. then... you really can like both. So yup. Did I mention me and that girl were like close to kissing at age 4. Yeah. I think that says that I'm not full of total b.s., at least in my mind it all works out, and Bastard thought the same, that I'm not full of bull shit just covering for being lesbian, he also realized that being bi is complete b.s.. So that was my self discovery this summer, lol. What else... oh I don't try to hide it at all really, people just don't see what they aren't looking for, they can only suspect. I really am not going to act on it at all though, not until college, because girls are a bunch of drama and commitment freaks. lol, at least the ones here who I would even consider, are. What else... Okay, I'll just flat out say it, it's almost 4 a.m. anyways, I can get away with it in my mind. I am and have been a cutter. Bad habit number one is that. 99% of the scars you'll see are not from my cat maybe like 5 really are, the rest are self inflicted. Yeah, I know totally messed up, I should stop blah blah, and I did, but I kept thinking about it, and it happened. I couldn't help it. It'll probably get as bad as before, but I really don't mind it at the moment. I was clean for several months and even before then it was like one cut. Bad habit 2 in this post was EDNOS. Yeah, I know stupid me, and you wouldn't know it seeing me now, but that's because I'm deviating in my head. These past few years have been major binge, the future years are going to be major opposite of binge. And I know that's bad to but oh well. Okay, so it's day now, and I can think straight again! Some of my sentences are really choppy, and I know that, but man, to re-read ALL that I just wrote would take me for EVER. So if you have question as to what I was trying to say somewhere, just ask and I'll tell you XD

And yes I know, I'm some kind of screwed up in the head, but eh. I've been dealing with it ever since before I started high school, no ones really noticed and they don't need to know. I'll deal with it on my own time, it's not that bad at the moment anyways.

So... hm... I believe that's all you need to know about me, my past, and my future, Oh, well I'm tall, 5' 10"ish I have (now) medium long brown hair that I never do anything with because my hair hates me, I have brown eyes and I'm normally a very whiteish pale color, but with stupid band and my stupid mexican roots, I tan like a mo' fo'. So I am SUPER tan right now, and I've basically been avoiding the sun since marching band ended in November. Oh I am from Texas, where the sun is unrelenting. and we get to those hundreds. And the grid(where we practice on) is invulnerable to clouds, there can be cloud EVERYWHERE except the grid, they make a special path way just especially for us >:( But yup, and the humidity down where I live is KILLER. Oh one more thing! I don't have a favorite color XD