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omg! This chick has the most awesome shirt, I saw it on her profile when I was trying to get a better look at her, because seriously, those pics you can put on gURL are the size of my thumb.

I totally understand the term 'thumbnail' now. XD

Today was odd. I slept until 1 I stayed in bed until 2, I have been generally happy today. And yeah you might say that, that's normal, but in my world and mind, happiness is not something that happens really ever. Sure it's not true happiness because I'm still fighting with myself to whether or not talk to him(as you can see I did not ask Tungsten how much he hates me) and I still have an ass load of work I have yet to get started on. But man, today has been good.

I could say I just ruined it, but I can't. I really want to say no, but I did it and man. My mind was reeling, I forgot how it felt. It's been months since I've last done it. I imagine it's like taking a hit, not that I would know, but man. It feels awesome. I REALLY hate that I think that, but let me have my moment, I'll hate myself tomorrow when I'm left to deal with the remnants. Woah, that sounds so sexual, it's not lol. But I don't care for a code for it, it doesn't deserve that, it's a part of my life that I want gone, but it's hard to kick. Especially when it feels like an amazing adrenaline rush! Just 2 right now and it's like I'm riding high. That sound horrible even if you know what I'm talking about, more disturbing actually.

So I've really been thinking about what K told me yesterday. I wish everything were so easy, she's so much more courageous and open than me. I can't be that open, my old personality won't allow for it. It's a drag, but I'm hoping to shake that person off when I move to college. I want to be the courageous person people perceive me to be, where my ideals speak for me, rather than judgement. I hate that about my self, I want to be open for all to know who I am and what I truly believe, but I stick with sliding across the edge choosing no side or just listening, I have so much to say, but that would all give it away. Damn me.

I have no idea what to do about him, I want him back, we were to close to have it end like that. But our ending was so intense. I don't want to pick at an old would for him if he truly no longer wants to be friends. I seem hard and cold around him but in reality I'm devastated about it. I really just blocked it off and concentrated on the anger and not the sadness, because I couldn't deal with that and what Seaborgium was going through. God I miss her, she was a great friend.

3 now, I think it'll go up to ten, unless I go crazy and just slash away. Which is highly probable.

Hm... what else. I think I want to go to a private liberal college(yes I realize the irony in that statement) my first 4 years, and then transfer to a research college, like MIT, or Columbia. Idk. I think I've got it down though.

Jeez, the rush is becoming more and more delayed. Ugh, I swear I'll get over it one day, but sure it's been months since it was last done, but I have been thinking about it for months and only not doing it because I am extremely lazy.

Agh, if it's not one thing, it's another.