Super Rambles and some thoughts

Alright, I'm not totally sure what I wrote down on my list yesterday, but I am just going to go to go off of memory. I have slightly given up on this typing thing because OMG DISTRACTION!!! So, I'm watching Jenna Marbles on The Mom View and they were like boys and kisses and stuff. So, I am thinking back to my first kiss and the subsequent kisses throughout the years and... I should have known I was gay. I mean, I didn't really feel anything. I wanted to I mean, it was mostly before sex or during sex, point being that it was a very intense moment where I would at least feel something. I didn't. Like absolutely nothing emotional. I mean, I tried, I willed myself to feel something and nothing. It was just like the weird thing, I should have known then. I should have felt something not just nothing. So, 4 year sign that I was gay. I mean come on. Anyways! back on track... I did give up on typing because I think too fast for how my fingers are working on this right now in this blog. When I start writing my new fan fic chapter I will. But not now. I called my job finally to see when I start. I start Monday for sure now. I'm nervous. I need the money, I really do now. I have like -$45 in the bank because fucking Hulu charged me randomly out of no where when I UGH I'm pissed I really didn't need this charge too. I still need to renew my "mothers" loan for college and I have to pay for my late lessons bill and my plane ticket and probably the campus police so they will pick me up from the airport because moving in is tough for people without me tagging along and throwing my stuff in the car too. Money is not on my side. I am literally in the red right now. Everything is really just crumbling around me and I just want to be back in college and just have to worry about learning and managing friendships and looking for teh gays. That shit is a bit less scary and less nerve wracking. At home I just feel guilt all the time because right now my world revolves around money or there lack of money. It's intense and especially just always told to me. Along with all the regular parenting and then their guilt that they think they aren't providing for me. I don't tell them anything. They don't know my laptop is in the shitter, that my account is in the red and that I have so much pressure at school. I try and make it seem that everything is okay because it's really just bad enough. Things are like intense. Woah, that got deep there. Anyways. I haven't really hung out with anyone in like a week or so. Last time I did I was like at the park for hours and I got a tan. All my work XD I like the park because it's free. It's insane. Another thing. I didn't watch The Sing Off when it was on. So I missed out on Pentatonix. What the actual fuck. That's INSANE! I'm so jealous! I've always wished I had a better voice. I don't though. I know how to sing... kind of. I wish mayn! If I had 3 wishes it would be for me to have the talent to be an amazing overall musician. Not necessarily just become amazing overnight, because it's so amazing just working on a certain talent and just watching yourself getting better day after day and week after week. It is what makes it so special to be good at something. Especially in music you just have to work at it every day to get better and better because there is no perfection in music. Not when it's natural. There will always be a mistake or something you know you could do better. It's how being a musician works. That's why musicians never really say they lose respect for another musician. Because we all understand the challenges, we are disappointed and we get jealous but we never lose respect. Only when someone just disrespects the art. When they take the cheap way out. That's the only time. It's tight group whether people admit it or not That's why I love music. There is only one way to go when you work for it. It's like that with other things but I know and trust that music will never let me down. And it will always move forward but the past will always be there. Ah, that was something I was not planning on writing about. I hope it made sense. I was watching PTX in The Sing Off the entire time. I still am! I feel like I missed out. So. Yeah. I'm just rambling seriously. I want to start practicing again. I need an instrument to practice on. I have a LOT of music to work on before I get back to school. Oh god... Lindsey is going to KILL me. I haven't played in 2 months now? I need to find someone to lend me a flute. It is intense. I need a rent to buy flute when I get back to school. And... my shameless need to buy ukulele. I want to learn how to play SO BAD! It's so selfish but I just think it is the coolest thing in the world. I recommend you go check out JennaAnne's The Gay Song. It is hilarious!