I feel shit

So, I'm kind of a wreck. Some of the things I'm going to write, I probably shouldn't post to the internet but fuck it. I'm slowly dying over here. So, it all just hurts. I wish I was back at school. There are so many things that are going to change next year. One, I'm hoping to lose a significant amount of weight. *crossing fingers* I've always been okay to lose weight, I do it pretty fast until a certain weight, then it is a struggle. I was mostly afraid of just fucking my life up again, not that it can get worse, then again I could become a total whore again. I guess that would be worse. Kind of. I was terrified of going back to that, I was terrified of becoming a horny anorexic bitch again. Worst time of my life. No doubt. So, I'm doing that. But I want to go back to school. It fucking hurts. I want it so bad. I want to fix my grades I want that care free atmosphere. That, I can do anything, spirit. Now, I'm home and the reality of the situation is here. When I chose Marietta, I couldn't afford it, I needed to pay $200 for a deposit and $500 for a down payment. I was a complete and utter wreck about it. It made me want to throw up every moment of every day that summer. I couldn't et any loans and it sucked. My parents were going through a small financial crisis with all the shit that went down with my family. It sucked. So I asked my mom for it and I swore I'd pay it back. I have slightly. She got $300 I think. While I was at school, the plane tickets the guilt ridden money she would sen dme because an asshole in the neighborhood bragged about giving her son, who also is in college, hundreds of dollars at a time. All this money I needed we didn't have. Shit was fucked. And Marietta is known for thinking you have the money readily available the moment they ask for it. So, I was worried about the money, but now I'm here and my parents are getting pink slips and they're afraid of losing the house because we can't pay the bills. All my mom ever talks to me about anymore is how I need a job and she needs a job and how I won't be able to go back to school without it. Because of the ticket let alone the $60 dollar down payment on my student loans and the $150 I need to have paid by the end of May. I have my own shit. And all she ever talks about is money, and how we don't have it. I specifically asked for a hook up at this great job a friend of hers has. I asked her for it a month in advance. She fucking now claims that she didn't think I still wanted to work. I mean what the fuck is that shit? I mean really. I've talked about how I need to get a new fucking flute and all this shit and she thinks that I didn't want to work. Well fuck her for being a lazy ass whore and not getting me the job, because now I'm fucking unemployed and stuck in this shit hole listening to her talk about how we are in deep shit. Does she not think I feel fucking guilty for all of this shit? Guilt is the only thing I feel here. Guilt and anger. Nothing else. That's what plagues my every day, and thinking about how it makes me guilty and angry makes me feel even more guilty and angry, and like throwing up. My every thought is of each and every step that I made to fuck everything up. Every memory is of that. It's killing me. I've thought of killing myself. I mean really I have nothing to live for except for being a fuck up, but I can't even do that because I didn't get the insurance that covers my loans if I die. If I kill myself they won't get anything but more grief and debt. I don't even know what to do with myself. I can't sell drugs, I can't be a prostitute, I can't sell booze to minors. Not because of moral dilemmas with it but because I'm nit hot enough, I don't know anything about the drug industry, and I'm not of age nor do I have a fucking fake ID. I don't know how to get money fast. I don't know what to fucking do. I'm stirring in just a mess of negative. It's worse than when I was depressed beyond belief. I wish it was back then. At least the pain was only towards myself. My actions only accounted for myself. I mean. I'm never going to get over this guilt. My moms sold her precious rings, that she's worn and adored since I can remember and probably decades before then, for stuff for me, for the bills that we can't pay. For the credit cards she's maxed out. How am I going to make up for that. How am I going to make up for the emotional agony I've put my parents through. I can't even be in the same room as them, because my mom will start talking money and I'll feel like shit, so I shut down. I become cold, hard, and uncaring for everything. I'm short and curt and I leave fast. I was eating something yesterday and my mom decided to sit there with me and eat and she talked about everything with money and I felt like throwing up. I was only half way through my enchiladas she made when the nausea really set it and I tried to force myself to finish but I couldn't with the last few bites. I wanted to throw up, the guilt was so immense. And then my mom thought I didn't like it and she felt bad, and then that made me feel so guilty because I was mad at her. I was mad at her for being poor, for being so stupid, for not realizing she was making me sick, for making me feel guilty, for reminding me of what a fucking terrible person I am. I'm so fucking selfish. So fucking selfish. I failed a class, I got a c- in a class I needed a c in and now I have to retake it. My GPA is in teh shitter, I lost a scholarship. I major scholarship. I had a chance to tell them an extreme situation that might have caused me to suck in school. But what was I going to say. Oh, I'm sorry I sucked. I was dealing with the whole "being a lesbian thing" and losing a best friend. and then another, and then the whole being depressed thing, then the shutting down thing and guilt and then my grandmother dieing and the unexpecte result that had in my emotional state. I mean fuck man. I couldn't say that. And if I did, and sold it really well, I needed a faculty member to vouch for me. Who was going to do that? The professor I hate the most? No. No one knows anyways. No one knows what the fuck is wrong with me. I didn't tell anyone. My behaviour was different and erratic and anyone from here would know something was up and would have asked me to talk about it, but peoplle up there didn't know any better. They don't know what's normal and what's not. Cheyenne know's normal but we don't talk. I'm fucked, waiting for a job that I'm probably not going to get. Being $200+ in debt and desperatly needing to pay it off. I hate not working. I hate not doing anything. I hate being stuck here, in this house that reminds me of all that I might not have if a miracle doesn't happen. You know... I've prayed. Sort of. Just asking God, Jesus, whoever. To just help my parents out. They don't deserve this. They might be shit with money, but they don't deserve this. They're old, and getting to point of retirement. They need the rest they've spent their entire lives going through hell and back to survive in Mexico, to survive here. I asked for him to give me hell if he wanted to punish them, so they could be okay with the world. Because, really that's all I have left. Praying and trying to make deals with a deity I don't believe in, because my parents do, and if they do then they should be better off for it. not going through hell because of me. I need them to be okay. But it didn't work. I really wanted it to work. I needed it to work. This shit about God not giving you more than you can handle is shit. Because my parents have gotten shit and more their entire lives and they can't handle it anymore. I hate myself for this. I hate myself so much. I loathe myself. I just want to be physically tortured because I can't handle my pain on the inside anymore. I've given up. I'm just in a stasis now. I don't care about anything anymore. I don't remember why I liked music. I don't remember why I liked technology. I don't remember what passion was. I've lost my will completely. The only thing that has me going is teh fact that school, college is what my parents have ever wanted for me. And they deserve that. It's the only thing I can give them now. Because I've fucked everything else up. I've only started to fuck up school. I can still fix that. I can still do better. Even if that means I have to make myself miserab;e and becaome everything I never wanted and take all the "Way to be a better student" crap I'm going to get from fucking Marshall when I start getting straight A's. When we make my schedule for the 2nd semester, that's all that it's going to be. Him talking about and asking me what changed and himself taking credit. I have a right of mind to just tell him I'm getting straught a's because I'm miserable and everything I'm doing is just to get a stupid grade of an A. That I don't care about anything anymore but an A. Not the fucking content not the knowledge and experience just a fucking A. Because apparently that's all that fucking matters. not that I can apply it. Just that there is a nice fucking shiny pointy A. You know what else is shiny and pointy Marshall? World? My fucking razor, and at least that brings me pleasure along with the pain. I hate it. I hate it all. I can't stand anything and I can't even kill myself or do anything fucking stupid. All I can do is feel it. Just like Naomi said in skins. She feels shit, but all she can do is feel it. She can't do anything anything but feel it. I understand it now. All I can do is feel it. I fucked up a great freindship I had with Miguel. You know? I still have the message he sent me saying farewell. It wasn't his final farewell. But it was the most strongly worded farewell. I feel like the worst scum of the earth because of that. And then my parents. But all I can do is feel it. I've thought about talking to Miguel again. But how can I do that? It'd be like a rapist asking their victim if they wanted to become their significant other. I'd be doing something just to selfishly make me feel better because I liked talknig to him and being real. I can't fucking smoke like I did in college I can't drink. I can't do anything. I could try cutting but I don't know where I'm going to work so I can't do that until I see teh uniform. I could have to wear khakis and the blood would go straight through. I hate everything right now, but especially myself. All I can do is feel it. With every pore of my being.