Things

In my short 19 years of life I really only have a few regrets. I've done a lot of not good stuff but i don't regret a lot of it. I regret going out with Alex. That is something that should never have happened. I mean, that entire fucked up situation should never have happened. I am still incredibly angry at myself for being a horny fucked up early teenager. The thought of him makes me nauseous. Seriously, to this day. The pure thought of him, that's not including my personal history with him. Just eww. Seriously, all fucked up. I regret not being more serious about music through out high school not just competitions, I would have learned to appreciate music a lot more a lot earlier in life. I regret being a stupid idiot in 9th grade, despite being a fucking up horny teenager, I was still able deny my undeniable feelings for girls. Even with one blatantly flirting with me and basically throwing herself at me, I would have had a way better high school experience. Well, probably harder, but I would have been comfortable with who I was and I wouldn't have still been fucking my FWB. I don't regret having a FWB or who it was, I regret the relationship we had. Specifically me not knowing how to deal with it. I didn't really want a friendship with someone I didn't think I liked. I certainly didn't want a close one. However, it was what he needed and I couldn't handle it. Especially since he only talked to me when we "hung out". I decided to leave him when he needed someone the most and he went around just fucking girls up. Even to this day he's not really okay. I just make it worse every time. For reasonable reasons, but I still regret the entire situation. Not coming out in college. Not making friends because I didn't think I would be back for another year. Putting my parents in major financial struggles. Allowing myself to be affected by events that made me want to change myself. And last but not least, doing that to Miguel. It seems to be my specialty, fucking up relationships with my good friends. Everything else I've grown from. These are the things that are not fixable, almost not worth trying to fix, or things that I don't really know what to do with. All of this has just been on my mind lately and I just needed to write them down. Also, I really need a job. I'm really hoping I get this callback for an interview and I beat out the other kid. I need the job to be able to get my student loans, I need it to pay a 150 school bill and get enough money to at least be able to rent or pay for my flute in payments throughout the year. At least. And get some money to get an IPAD to make up for the shit my laptop now is. It doesn't stay on very long anymore. I haven't tried it all week because I got frustrated with it because I went about 3 days trying to work with it not being able to not overheat in 5 minutes or less. And it's a pain to just turn it on really. The PC I have laying around is shit too. It's XP and so outdated at this point it's not even funny. The graphics card is a joke and I don't even know how old teh sound card is. My laptop is shit but I'm not willing to dish out money for a shit laptop that won't really do everything I need it to. I'd rather deal with an iPad that I actually really want and that would be extremely useful with the schedule I am going to have next semester, especially not having a laptop that works almost, at all. I've uploaded most of my documents and pictures on to different storage places mostly SkyDrive, because I had 25 free GB to store on and a few things on Google Drive and I don't think I left anything on DropBox. I still have files on there, but none extremely important. I'm really frustrated with it. I really wish things would just work. I can't take this laptop from my mother because it is hers and her only means of visual contact she can have with me when I'm in Ohio. I'll find a way to do it with an iPad. I don't know. Life just hasn't been good this past year and a half for my family and I.