Off my rocker.

Why is it that when I'm having all these wonderful insightful thoughts, I'm fucking tired as shit and lacking the mental finesse to actually write anything down. I could do it now, but it would all get jumbled, like usual, and make no sense. Like a drunk of their tits and high as a kite person trying to explain the meaning of life to you.

Finding a Lost Passion

I feel weird yeah? It's the good kind though. I am actually content. Everything is okay right now in my mind. I'm stable and calm. I'm happy. It's kind of weird. I see a stable future ahead of me for my sophomore year of college. Man, that's freaky. But I'm ready. I used to dread it, the restrictions it held and my lack of focus on the world. I didn't know who I was anymore. I left high school expecting college to finally be the wrecking ball that would destroy the wall preventing me from experiencing. It wasn't obviously. It just led to me losing myself and trying to find myself again. I went more into my Chris "Fuck it" mentality because that worked for me. People judged and I could just say fuck it. People didn't like me fuck them and it. I was doing badly or I was afraid to do something, fuck it. I'm still more or less there. But it'a different now. It's now a, fuck it I'm going to do this and rock their worlds. If they still hate me, well fuck them because they know their life was just changed. I'm still scared, but I have more adrenaline coursing through my veins. I know who I am now. I know my essence and no one can rock me anymore. I am rooted to the ground with such an intense connection between my core and my reality. You can question me all you want but I can answer your questions just as fast as you can throw them at me. I'm not ashamed of what I like or who I am anymore. I understand myself even more. My flaws and my strengths. I don't know when it happened but I know I realized it earlier today. I have been struggling with the last piece of my being for about the last month now. Everything else had been sorted in my mind except this last part. Did I really love music? Was it enough for me to consider a career in it? Was it enough to get me through my fears of being inadequate? It was the scariest piece of them all. It was the one that would determine my future. The one to determine my path. The one to determine what I was going to define myself as. You could imagine my trepidation. I didn't want to go through the depths of my mind and discover that I had been lying to myself and prove someone I loathe correct. I needed to have this question answered so I no longer was afraid. This would shape me. No matter if the question was yes or no, my future would be forever changed. If you've followed me long enough, you know I don't believe in fate and destiny and all that shit. No matter what label you put on it, I don't find it to be true. I believe that we shape our future. That we are all connected through our decisions. I sort of precise synchronized swimming event. Even the slightest movement would change the entirety of your route. Like a linear line on a plane. No matter how slight the slope, eventually it would meet a certain area. Every action has a reaction. Things I believe in that. So, this would determine my path. It was terrifying, but I finally let my trepidation go and I allowed my thoughts and my body experience music again. Remember that Passionless music post? That was teh beginning of my discovery. The beginning of my journey. It feels like I've made this decision in haste, but it's like love. Love in the sense that it was described in the way HyperFitched described it in her story "I Hold A Force I Can't Contain" The story is amazing and I'm reading the other half of it right now. But the first half was mind blowing. I spent two or three days going through it. It was 185k words. It took up my life. While I needed a break from the real world. The way she described love was so pure and beautiful. I don't think I could do it justice by simply describing it, but it's the best I can do. I recommend you read the story. Especially if you love the couple of Emily and Naomi from Skins, but that love isn't necessary to read the story. No prior knowledge is needed either. It just adds a larger love for the couple. Love in that story is intense and painful to those who are afraid. Those who are afraid to let it engulf your being. Love is such a huge wave of emotions that can't fully be experienced if you hide and sheild yourself from them. Because no matter what you do, they will just over ppower you and drag you to your eternal happiness. It's terrifying though, to allow yourself to feel it. It's explosive and dangerous and so intense. It's such an intensity that it will disintegrate all who stand in it's way including you if you don't stop being so afraid. Once you let go of your fear, you ride on top of that wave watching all your enemies disappear. It's such an experience that it's like you and your love are two burning suns just going at it until you both burst creating an enormous amount of energy. Love is all the good and light in the world all designed just to fit you and allow you to be the best you can be. I used to defend myself against invisible doubters. I used to defend myself against my mind. I used to tell it to fuck off and that of course I loved music. WHat kind of question was that. Of course I wanted it in the rest of my life. As if I would go through all the trouble of going through the process. I was scared off my mind. What if I fought for my right to be at college in a totally different state studying music and it turned out it really was just a silly dream of mine. A dream that was hollow on the inside. Just another act of rebellion. I couldn't face that in school when I was being questioned constantly. By myself and by my so called friends and my professors. I would not have been able to take it. I try and act all calm and collected and as if nothing ever actually affects me. But it all does. It all hurts and it is always in the recedes of my mind. That's why I usually end up blowing up and being so worried that things just go to shit. I usually had Gil on my side. He was my strength even though he didn't know it. But he is just so damn likable that he makes friends so easily and he was able to find a brilliant group of friends that he can be himself around and go batshit crazy. So, I couldn't go to him. Why worry him with problems thousands of miles away? I couldn't be that selfish. I had no rock anymore. I was left to try and be strong by myself. That never works. By the point I need a rock I am so gone that I'm just floating in an empty abyss. So there I was trying to find out if I still loved music. There was nothing holding me back. I had no expectations for myself I just needed the truth. I needed the truth so I could be strong. For the first time in my life I needed to be strong. I ended up sitting in my bed on my moms laptop listening to monstercat 007 and I closed my eyes and I just listened. I heard the depths of the music. I heard everything and I started conducting. I got into the music. I experienced the music. I let it flow through me. I experimented to see if it was just the song or the artist or if it was just good music that compelled me. I tried it with the one song that would prove it to me. Irish Tune from a County Derry. The most pure song I had ever had the privilege to play with a group and listen to. I felt free. I smiled but moved on with what I was doing originally. Then I went to take a shower and I was listening to them again and I started conducting and I enjoyed it I let it course through my veins, I let it wash me. I let the musics emotions flow through me. I felt the beat in my being and I experienced it. It was so freeing. I was doing what I loved. It was intense. I have my answer now and now I am essentially Elidee. I know who I am. I know my quirks. There is still so much to me left for me to discover. But I'm not afraid anymore. I'm ready for the world. I'm ready for that asshole Marshall to question my every move and judge my every decision. Because I am confident now. I'm not scared to do things. I'm excited to learn. I also figured out my last small question. Why I loathed Marshall as a teacher so much. I hated that he talked about this love for music and what he taught, but he never showed it. I never felt it. He was expecting me to show a love for a topic he, himself didn't show a love for. I didn't feel it. I didn't feel the passion. I know I love something because I feel it in my core, it radiates heat and power. I feel that when I hear others talk about things they love. Things they are passionate about. It bothered the fuck out of me to the point that I loathed him for basically lying. I knew he was, because I could feel the intensity when he talked and taught us something he was passionate about. I felt it in my core, co much so that it became my belief also, if not only for that moment. Even when he taught us about his own instrument (percussion) I didn't feel the fun. I felt like I was sitting in a lecture hall with 300 other kids listening to a professor that hated his life and his profession and loathed the subject he was babbling on and on about. I felt like he was a professor that could give less than a fuck about what he was saying. Sometimes he would have fun and get excited, but mostly he just acted like he was reading from a text book. It drives me insane. I know what it is now. And I have a semester to gain faith again. Faith that he maybe does still give a damn about the subject. He cares about the kids sure. But not the subject and to me that is all that matters. I've had plenty of teachers care about the kids but I wouldn't learn anything and their care didn't give me anything for my future. I don't give a fuck if he likes me, I've had an entire 7 years of my life where all my teachers loved my entire being. I don't need that love anymore. I'm a big kid now. I just need him to give me a reason to care about the subject and information that will help me in the future that is realistic and now from a text book. I need to know that I'm not wasting my time on a subject, I've spent enough of my life on useless things.

Passionless Music

I really should be getting ready for work, but instead I'm reading a fanific on and off while obssessing over music. Not in the way where you gush over a band or a song, but rather the sound. I'm sure yo've experienced this feeling before. When you're listening to a song through your headphones or eaar buds and you just want more. You feel the passion of the song just sitting there bellow the surface just screaming to come out, but instead the music sound almost monotone compared to what you could hear. The potenetial is just sitting there and you want to scream because you want to experience it so much it hurts. Like, when you listen to Rolling in the Deep or Someone Like You by Adele you feel the passion. Whether you like her music or style or not, you can feel it. It soaks you in her despair and anger and love and sadness and strength. You feel it, you aren't left wanting more. You're satisfied with the emotion and listening to something more calm jusst seems mundane. It's like experiecning "Oh Danny Boy" also known as "Irish Tune from a County Derry" The song itself is beauty reincarnated into music. But when you listen to a band (yeas band not orchestra, because it was made for the specific band sound) play it right. When everyone just clicks it is like the Gods were delievering the music straight to you. You are ruined for anything less after that. Feeling that chemistry and that song and the passion it almost hurts. I want that from music. Breathe Me by Sia, you feel her pain. She laid herself out there to the world and it paid off. That song is a major trigger for a lot of people because of that. Because they relate to the pain conveyed through her. It's not the words it's how she says them how she arranges her diction. What she does with her voice. Just like in Jupiter by Gustav Holst, you feel the Joy in that song. The playful banter between instrument groups, where they intertwine and cause chaos. It's like you can't decide whether to sit there and enjoy the music or get up and let it rip through your body. You know, that's why I want to be a band director. I want to be responsible for sharing great music with kids and showing them music with great passion written all over it and showin them that they can do it too. They can be apart of the beauty that was written and meant to be shared with the performer and the audience. It kills me when I listen to a song and the background music or the background is just there so the singer or the star isn't alone, it's an after thought rather tahn enhancing the experience. It so frustrating. I'm just like TURN UP THE DAMNM PERCUSSION SECTION! GIVE ME AN AGOGIC ACCCENT EVERY NOW AND THEN! It's painful that they coul dhave done so much, but they didn't. I din't know who "they" are but they need to step up their game. I've listened to bands that were not that great talent wise, but they gave their passion. When you hav ethe talent but just refuse to allow the passion to show that's when you are worse than the talentless. So frustrating. I want to feel something when I listen to music. I want to be moved. Stupid industry.

Skins and Distractions

Man, I've really wanted to start writing again, yeah? This always happens when I'm reading fanfic everyday. Including my word choice. Considering I'm a Harry Potter and Skins UK fan I get the british vocabulary. Then all the terrible bristol slang. It's not terrible, it's just slang, yeah. And slang is not a good thing to ever carry around. Like fucking adding yeah to the end of things. That's a skins thing. AT least that's where I picked it up. I also am starting to involuntarily include words like 'slag' and 'fit' and 'bird' in my vocabulary. slag=slut fit=hot bird=girlfriend or girl you are interested in I'm sure there is a shit ton of things that are getting in my mind, since I read them all the time and I can't choose to ignore the words or their word choice. But yeah, back on topic. I feel like writing. I shouldn't, because I get into it. I'm extremely sensitive in that way. Juts like when I watch a movie I get overly invested in the plot and I feel for the characters and I feel their pain and extreme happiness and all of those emotions. I tend to cry at the end of movies. Fucking pixar movies have killed me. Disney movies always make me cry, the legit movies. I fucking bawl during those, there is no controlling it. It's like someone blew up the hoover dam. Anyways. The point is that any type of media makes me cry if there is a strong enough emotion to evoke it. I've cried listening to music before. Legit instrumental. "Married" from Up dear jesus. That song was the death of me. I cried a lot after watching that movie and then listening to the life sequence music. That was portrait music mayn. Anyways. I feel like writing, but I write like angsty love shiz. Because that's what I read. I go for romance now a days. Angsty not so much anymore, but i write it. I'm only slightly masochistic now. But yeah, when I get into writer mode I really get into the story because I want to convey a true emotion and something that would seem more or less realistic but slightly romanticized. But the feeling sticks with me. When I write a particularly painful scene where the character is emotionally drained I am "Your dad is a stupid tosser JJ." That has to be one of my favorite lines in Skins 2nd gen. Sorry, off topic but I just started watching it again. Also, James Fitch is fucking amazing. Love it. BACK ON TOPIC! I swear man, I'm really all over the place lately. Or my entire life. Usually I can control my distractedness. Yes. I feel like writing a fanfic. But I am too mentally tired at the end of the day. I pretend to be all nice and smiley and shit at work and even jaded with the rude asshole customers. Including resisting the urge to slap the shit out of the lying cunt bags who say they can't play a dvd or blu ray and expect the credit. Stupid people in the world looking to con their way to happiness. After all of that I can't really handle the pain of writing, but I kind of want to anyways. A bit fucked yeah? I kinda hate working. A lot. It's a total waste of time dealing with people all the time with all their issues and dealing with other people's mistakes. It's really annoying. But, I guess it's for money. On the bright side it's for money. So I get that. I can't handle it sometimes, just thinking about money. All the time. The fact that it's the only thing motivating me really bothers me. Fucking capitalistic society. Johnny White in Skins, also one of my fav characters. It's ridiculously funny. Anyways. I have to say I'm speaking nonsense now. I'm really tired and distracted. Moral of the story, I want to write fanfic but I'm a sensitive gal when it comes to media and I get distracted really easily. Yup. I also love Skins. Talk to you guys later.

Internet Explorer sucks, Naomi?

I was looking at my blog stats a few seconds ago because I broke 3,000 blog views today on this particular blog. It's pretty cool. I mean, I obviously don't do this for the views since this is literally just me ranting about my life. Nothing special about it. Anyways, I was looking at the stats and dear god. What are some of you guys DOING! I think the percentage was 51% of people who have viewed my blog were using Internet Explorer. What? Guys, guys... GUYS! There are bigger and better things out there for you. IE should be your last resort browser. Seriously. For a casual internet user Chrome is the way to go, if you love all the extra toolbar crap from IE, Firefox can give you that toolbar fix at a much more efficient speed. At this day and age it's really not acceptable for someone to wait so long for their browser to function. I'm not talking about Internet connection, I'm talking just the damned window opening on your computer and being available to use. I mean, IE has been trying to reform and get better and I haven't set up IE so that it won't annoy me every time I need it because a virus attacked my other browser or some idiot decided the demographic of their website hits were IE users and refused to format it with Chrome or Firefox. Seriously web designers and developers and/or whoever else deals with that stuff, don't be dicks. Let the people use your website on at least firefox. Only IE is really just cruel and unusual punishment. Anyways, so if you're reading this RIGHT NOW and you are using Internet Explorer or you are a Mozilla Firefox user and you've never tried Chrome, go download Chrome. I'll even do you a favor I'll link you www.google.com/chrome BAM! No excuses, just copy and paste. I'd link it link it but my mother's laptop cannot handle running VLC, Chrome, and microsoft word. "It's too much, it can't handle it" As my friend Katie would put it. So... I haven't actually spoken to ANYONE from Marietta in the past 2 months. I've had a few conversations with Katie, but that's about it and even then she started them. It's not that I don't want to speak to them, it's just in the summer and thinking about Marietta it's usually about money. And the topic of money always just makes my entire being hurt. It's like my heart drops every time I think about what I have left to pay before I can go back. It seriously makes me want to cry. I don't because crying over money just sort of means the system has beaten me. So, none of that. I'll be okay next Thursday. I'll have my check of maybe $300 at least. I did the math after I worked 22 hours in two days. I can't remember though. But with those $300 I can pay to get my PLUS loan again. Then I'll check my marietta page and see what I need to pay and do that, then get my plane ticket, then call the school to see if they can pick me up from the airport and how much that will cost and how I'll pay it. I will ask Cheyenne how she did it last year too, that'll help. But I can't do any of that right now when I have no money. I will just end up breaking down if I imagine it all when I only have $1 in my account right now. At least it's not in the negatives any more. But this means I have no funds for an instrument. At all. I'm going to look into like a rent to buy system once I have a job up in Marietta. hopefully I will have the spanish conversation tables and maybe I'll sell my soul and life to do the phone a thon where I just bother alumni for money. You know. I realize that this entire ordeal is going to some how teach me some lesson about money and worth and shit, but honestly all I am learning right now is that my thoughts about money have always been true. It's not worth it and money is evil and it brings out the worst in people. And it's never done me any favors. It has brought me nothing but pain and agony and I'm sure my life will continue this way until I have a steady income and I learn how to read stocks and invest in them for the most profit on my part. At this point it's the only thing I see getting me through the insane debt I'm going to have when I get out of college. I mean I can hope to get a job at a high end private school and get paid a shit ton of money, but my heart won't be in it. I want to work in a public school with under priviledged kids. Even if I can't spell the word correctly and even if I am too lazy to spell check it. Maybe something great will happen in my life and I'll gain a good income from something else I love to do along with teaching. Lottery maybe? I don't know. I hate talking about money on here because that just ends up in me sounding all sulky and rage-y. But I refuse to talk to anyone about it in person. It just makes me feel helpless, all my friends in Marietta have a good thing going when it comes to money because of their parents having good jobs. And here it just makes me feel a bit helpless. Like I haven't seen or spoken to my friends in the longest and I'm just going to talk to them about my money problems especially when a lot of them want me to go to school some where down here. Then I think about that. Coming to school down here. I would like to ideally go to UNT. But there are so many possible issues with that. For example, music education students with a concentration in Band need to take I believe 3 semesters of marching band. And I have none. At all. That's an extra year or 2 I would have to stay in college. Granted, I could probably get that minor in whatever I wanted in that time since I would have most if not all of my music classes over with along with gen eds. Since UNT is also a liberal arts school. I'm going to have to do a lot of research into it. I'm probably going to audition and submit my application to them, but I am really going to have to think it over. I also have to get my GPA up to a 3.0 if I'm going to get them to take me seriously. Higher than that ideally. But there's only so much I can do withj a 2.3 almost 4 GPA. I know I fucked that up. I think about it a lot when I'm npt busying myself with other things or distracting myself. Like in teh shower when you get all deep and philosophical. It's funny, because a lot of people I have convinced that I don't give a damn about school and my grades and assignments. I do actually. I care a little too much. I laugh a lot when I read Naomily (Naomi and Emily from Skins UK) fanfictions because the premise is usually Naomi realizing she has feelings for Emily, stepping into that territory and either immediately running away because she's afraid about what she feels or later on there is some problem that occurs with Emily straining the relationship between the two and Naomi running because she loves Emily too much and it scares her how much Emily makes her feel and she is afraid of her heart being broken because it will probably break her as a person at that point and she can't handle that pressure. I laugh, because that's me. It's so pathetic but that's me to a tee. It's never happened to me in a relationship because I haven't let myself get into anything like that in years. But there's reason for me doing it. I mean they are terrible reasons in retrospect since there are plenty of people who grow stronger from things like that. The first I remember was small and it only affected me slightly, but it started the movement. My 2nd grade teacher was flipping amazing. I can't even describe how many doors she opened for me and all the things I learned and that have shaped me into who I am now. But, she left the school forever when my class finished the year. I haven't seen or heard from her since that summer. I was slightly devastated but I understood why, but she was the first teacher I ever actually showed my personality and I wasn't just the ideal quiet child because I was afraid if I was myself I would be rejected and get in trouble for being myself. (Understanding my reluctance for accepting a lot of things about myself now, aren't you readers. It's a deep seeded fear) After her, my grandfather died two years later, or maybe a year and a half later from that point. That was a mind fuck though I didn't realize it until later when I didn't see him. You know the story by now. But he was the one person who I felt loved me unconditionally. I mean, my parents loved me but they are my parents and they are required to love me due to brain stuff. But my grandfather had a choice to not like me. Just like every other adult in my life. But he loved me. He always showed me that when he would do these little things for me and not my other cousins when we visited him. The way he looked and talked to and about me was just pure love. It was not really something I experienced from family over here since my "grandmother" on my fathers side and his entire family are a bunch of douche bags. I never felt that from them. But anyways. That broke me. I was broken beyond repair. His death broke my heart. It broke my will, it broke my essential being. I didn't even know who I was at the end of my grief. I couldn't go through that again, yeah? My brain went into self preservation mode. So I had 3 shallow, meaningless relationships when I was getting over the grieving. Of course there was Rubie, but I was so encased in bubble wrap at that point and time in my life that I didn't even notice the obvious. That was the first real reason I run away when something begins to me the world to me. I can't handle the heart break or rejection. The next heart break was the first time Gil and I broke our friendship. Man, that was seriously like a knife just stabbing my heart and then moving the knife around when it was still imbedded in me. He was the first person I let in after, I think Logan and we all know how great that turned out. Let's just say, I'm glad 8th grade ended when it did. I was so heart broken that I was just numb. And the only thing I felt were just dull pangs in my heart when ever Gil was mentioned or when something reminded me of Gil or anything surrounding Gil. That was just, I don't know. That broke me. I was done with letting anyone in at that point. I think Karen was my best friend at that point and she helped me through that and her and Twin set it up so Gil and I would talk again. I could have killed them when I first found out, but it worked out, yeah? Man. I think I bad mouthed Twin some in this blog. Hopefully she never read that stuff, her or Karen. Yeesh. But yeah, I was done. After Karen became a douche after Japan, I was really done. The next person I let in was Miguel. And I just created a situation that I knew would cause issues in which I would be able to push him away and I wouldn't get hurt and he would hate me rather than risk him hurting me. We all know how that worked out. I mean, it worked, but I felt like well shit after that. It just wasn't broken. I laugh when I think about those who don't think I care about college. I care a little too much. Because I deflect and I push it all away. Because I will be devastated if I'm not up to par. I am fucking terrified that I will commit myself completely into it and that I won't be able to do it. Essentially that I will fail. So I push it away. I runaway from it. I create situations in which I will fail something or only do something half assed, because I know that it wasn't my best and I got exactly what I expected. It's fucked up right? I'm just like Naomi. Except she did it to the love of her life, and I'm doing it to my career. I don't know if this falls under the same category as being afraid to fail or if it would be considered something more since I am afraid of the pain. It's such a shit excuse. I know that, because I've read at least 10-20 Naomily stories that run under the same premises and I think Naomi is an idiot because there is no way Emily would break her heart. She would rather die. But I can sympathize because that's me in a nutshell. I'm such a cliche. In this same sense I'm scared of letting anyone in my life anymore and I'm scared of starting a relationship. I doubt I'll find anyone to start a relationship in Marietta, considering I go to school and live in two drastically different locations. I also have psychoanalyzed why I suck at interacting with people in Marietta. Because I was basically a closeted lesbian. I didn't announce my sexual orientation to anyone but I played the straight girl. So, I didn't know how to interact with girls because I prematurely didn't want them to think I was hitting on them or anything. I didn't want to make them feel uncomfortable. Though, they had no idea. I didn't know how to interact with guys, because I was supposed to like them or be attracted to them, but I'm basically one of the guys, except I only like soccer a lot and I watch X games, track and field, and gymnastics recreationally. But I digress. It's not so much I'm afraid of them finding out I'm gay and they'll react badly. It's that I don't want to find out that people I thought were worth knowing are actually total homophobic douche bags. That's the part I don't like. Anyways. This has turned out longer than I wanted it to be! So the moral of the story? Internet Explorer is the lame hipster of the browser group and Chrome is the new kid with the awesome IDGAF style. And we found out that I am Naomi in a nutshell.

Work

So, literally I feel like I've lived through at least 2 weeks in the past 3-4 days. Sunday was literally the worst. I went to work at I think 1p.m. or 11a.m. I don't even know when I started work on Sunday it was that long. I worked 2 shifts, I was doing a favor for my MOD because shit was too crazy for only 2 people to work the shift. On a FUCKING SUNDAY! Are adults really so irresponsible now a days that they go to fucking blockbuster at 10p.m. to rent a fucking movie due in 24hours when they have work the next day. Fucking assholes. I mean, I sat down twice. It was like 2 minutes in like a 10 minute span to smoke with my two co workers, separately because the moment we finally had no one in the store to take a break at 10:20p.m. and people decided to start swarming the store again. So, we did it 2 at a time so we would be safe. and because we really needed a talking break to just be bros. It was SUCKY. So many people, so much running movies. My feet didn't even know what blood was anymore. Now, it wouldn't have been as bad if it weren't for the fact that I had to work on Monday too. SO, I went in later at 2p.m. and I was only supposed to work until 9p.m., but my store manager was going to be short one and was going to be working alone so she asked me to stay and I did. Man. It hurt. I couldn't even stop my face from frowning. It just hurt so much. I had a permanent scowl on my face when I wasn't dealing with people because it was all my mind could do to try and get over the matter that my feet were no longer cooperating with me. All in all. I worked 22 hours in 48 hours. I'm happy for the hours more specifically the money. I get paid 7.80/hr so I'll have a lump sum of money from just. I worked today too, and that was fun. I finally worked a morning shift and I didn't stay over time, nor was it at all crazy. It was a nice change. But the morning shift on Monday and the closing time on Monday felt like days apart. I couldn't even remember what happen in the afternoon. It was so insane and I have another month to go. I really like this whole, being naive to the entire register thing because it's less nerve wracking when it comes to voiding things and giving people credit and dealing with problem customers. Because I don't. I've gotten a few bad ones, mostly over the phone. I'm cool and polite to them, but I'm not comfortable enough with the rules and regulations of blockbuster to feel completely at ease while dealing with a problem customer. I'm such a n00b that it is annoying to me that I have to keep asking for help. I dunno. I'm just tired all the time and I got the better schedule out of me and the other guy, who apparently no one likes because he is a sucky employee. He apaparently picked up the phone at blockbuster and said "hello?" instead of the ever annoying, Thanks for calling Blockbuster where the best in movies meets the best on tv with blockster and DISH, how may I help you?" And it was the District Manager, so she was pissed, so she called our store manager afterwards who then called the MOD who then proceeded to talk to the guy. It was a scandal. So far I haven't done anything bad. I've accidentally lied to several people just because I didn't know that I didn't know how to do specific things. Also, people suck at talking on the phone. They WHISPER into their receiver, and I'm just like the douche who is like, could you repeat that? Because you're talking like you're hiding from a fucking murderer. So, yeah... Oh! Yeah, I have the better schedule. I work MWFSun. And the other guy works TTHSat. So I get more hours, and plus my manager likes me better. I don''t have beef with anyone, unless they hate me and my constant asking for help on things I still don't quite get. I mean, I just do my job yeah? I run movies efficiently, I don't take a thousand breaks like the other guy and I am friendly enough. I try and work hard and tehy appreciate that. I'm not looking forward to working a Friday, I'll be helping close, so it'll be long until the end. On the bright side, I hardly eat because I don't get hungry unless I eat something, so I usually don't eat breakfast and I go to work and then get something afterwards, or if I work the night shift I just get home take a shower and eat like a yogurt. I mean, it's probably not the healthiest, but the last week of college really expanded my stomach size and it's been difficult to coax it to going back down since I wouldn't feel full. So now with this half starvation thing my stomach is overcompensating and making my stomach size smaller. Which will help me eat normal portions and not still feel hungry. I mean, I don't feel sick or anything. It's just a regular day of my life, I feel dehydrated sometimes, but that's just what happens when you talk, walk, and carry things all day. It's not physically exerting, it's just never sitting down that's the issue. I mean, we literally never sit down, the only chairs in our store are the ones in the storage room and the bean bags for the kids to watch a movie in the kids section while the parents look for movies. We sit on the floor outside when we or they smoke. Which reminds me. I don't condone smoking, but if you ever are like, what the hell, try everything once, smoke a menthol. specifically camel menthols. I literally feel nothing smoking those. When I smoke I like the smoke part of it. It's a nice feeling. Which is why I prefer no filters. The two people I smoked with on Sunday had two types, one was a menthol smoker the other was a normal smoker. I smoke with normal first, and it was Marbolo and I don't really like the tobacco taste of their cigarettes. But it was something, especially after that day. And then I went outside with menthol girl and I literally felt nothing. If it weren't for the heat of the burning I would have thought I was just breathing after having a mint like 5 minutes ago. So, if you don't want to choke, Menthols. I prefer the hardcore cigarettes. The filterless. Specifically parliments because they are so smooth and "clean". Like you can taste the tobacco in a marbolo and camel non menthol. But, not a parliment. It's nice and smooth and just smoke. It's beautiful really. But terrible for you since there is no filter. Which is why I don't smoke often. Unfortunately I don't have my daily dose of caffeine and sugar in one any more. So, I don't have anything but smoking to take the edge off. So, next pay period that's what I'm buying. A beautiful pack of Parliments. One day I won't talk about smoking but, it's just what my co workers do ALL the time. They are addicted to smoking for sure. And I don't blame them in the line of work they are in. Some customers are just asses, and they have some tough personal things. But they get through it. Anyways, I'm watching The Proposal and it is just as hilarious the 3rd time you watch it as it was the 1st time.

Summer, J. Travolta, Politics, and 18-Wheeler Energy Resources

Today's driving sucked. Weather sucked. I'm tired too, but that's not going to be the point to today. So, today I had a training session with some other people at my store along with some people from another store. We got together and learned about DISH. Not the most exciting ever. It was informative and kind of like a last minute AP test session that a teacher has the day before the test after school. It was like that, except we learned all the information in that cram session. It was not fun, but I bonded with my store, so that was nice. Anyways, there was this girl who was doing a full load this summer along with having an internship and a job at blockbuster. And I was wondering if I was just bumming around this summer. I mean, last school year was terrible for me. I had a full load with an even more cluttered mind. I mean I can't do anything now. Maybe I should have taken classes this summer? I don't know. This summer has done me really well. When I'm not talking or communicating to my mother, I've been getting better. Granted instead of unhappy I'm angry, which I guess is unhappy too, since "un-" means not and it's not happy. But, I'm actually laughing now. Like, legitimately laughing. Not just forced laughter or something that was amusing but didn't really do anything for me. I didn't really realize it until I started laughing when I was reading fanfiction or watching a youtube video. It was different and I even laugh differently. It's so weird. Like... it's been a while. I have a different personality and it's really weird. Usually when I am different in any aspect, is because I decided to make that change, I decided that I needed to change this or that about myself to become more likeable or less attractive or more attractive. It's weird that I'm finally... more normal? And by normal I mean, my feelings aren't completely going bat shit crazy and making me feel not good. I think I needed this summer. I needed it to level out. And I have. I'm still angry and still scared shitless and not at all supported by my parents towards my wants. It's one thing for my parents to try and help me, try being the key word, go to college but not support what I want to do with my life. You know! I am a bit disheartened. I am not really sad about it, I'm just kind of disheartened. So, I was talking to my mom yesterday when I was making food my mom talked about John Travolta no longer being her favorite actor, she can only appreciate his acting now, and barely that now. So, I can respect that you know, I'm not the biggest fan of John Travolta, I don't really like a lot of his new stuff. And by new I mean like last decade. But, the point is that she made this decision and I asked her why and she said it's because he's gay. Now, it was like a pang in my heart. It didn't hurt, it was just like a very very small version of the feeling of your heart dropping or stomach dropping. I was like, he's not gay mom. Playing it cool as always. But she was like, no he was on the news and they were talking about soliciting men and had a sexual assault case against him from a man. I was like, mom, come on. But... I mean. I wasn't planning on coming out to my mom. Any time soon, or ever. She's old enough to where I could get away with it. But... I was starting to settle into being so extremely comfortable with my sexuality that I thought my mom knew. I don't hide it TOO much, but I don't flaunt it. I'm really weary about it now. I don't really understand why she is so against it. One of her favorite nephew's is gay and I've never heard her talk down about the gay community. But, the way she said it was like she was spitting venom, like it was disgusting just saying a syllable of it. Unfortunately I am not extremely happy with my mother and father right now. It's culmination of them not supporting my love of music or goinng to school in Ohio, actually loving it in OH. And her constant want for money. I feel like that's all I am to her. When she sees me all she thinks is money. And I can't stand it. It doesn't help that I loathe money. You might think that's weird if you've heard my stance in politics. But, in an ideal world I would like it to be socialist in the way where we trade goods and services. Kind of like in The Host where you go into a store and just grab what you need and walk back out, but you make the food or are a doctor or you are something productive in the world. Making it all fair. But that's in a world that isn't lead by pride, gluttony and greed. Realistically in this world you can only be functional if you are on a rugged individualism role. There isn't a place for socialism in this world and I think that's been proven time and time again. Like Obamacare, personally I'm going to benefit from it and so is my family. But in the large scheme of things it's stupid. The only reason my family is doing badly is because they were irresponsible with their money and they were entranced by the idea of "free money" otherwise known as credit cards, while not having two working family members in a 3 person family. It's because of that and ignorance that they have failed in this society and the same can be said for thousands of families around the nation and world. All Obamacare will decrease death rates and maybe even raise birth rates. But the latter is a wild card, with Planned Parenthood not going through the best of times and the idea of contraception is being attacked slightly. This type of socialist acts isn't going to help the nation in the long run. Ever since FDR our country has believed that everything will have a quick fix and if you can't change it within a year, you are a terrible leader and it's time to hate you. We as a nation feel privileged and that we deserve a quick handout to fix the economy. While then ignoring everything that actually is destroying the nation and world that is also lead by corporate greed. And we feed it but the population is too dense to realize what kind of corporations they are supporting when buying store items and what good companies that are actually out there are struggling through our self induced, what in the future may look like Greece, depression. It's a shame that we have so many issues as a nation, but we decide to tackle the easier problems, such as social issues rather than actual issues that could help change the corporate world as we know it. It's dumb really. Coal mining, oil pumping, natural gas, fracking. It's all stupid and unnecessary. And will be obsolete in a few decades. We need new solutions and to store energy to be tranferred when our energy levels are getting low. I can only hope that we are. Anyways. Moral of the story. Being boxed in by several 18 wheelers next to a freeway sucks so bad. My mother may hate gay people. The world as we know it sucks ass. Have a Good Day guys and thanks for reading.

As I was driving today some douche bag cut me off and I got pissed right? So I was like whatever douche bag, go ahead with life you'll probably get in a nasty crash. But I couldn't help but notice that there was this thing on his back mirror. It said "God is able." So, I was like fucking asshole. I immediately got even more pissed Becasuse this douche bag just kept driving like a damned idiot. If you are going to be an idiot don't fucking put shit about god on your car. You're supposedly "the best people" because you have the "best morals". Which is pure bull shit. I've only met one person who wasn't fucked by religion who was super religious. And I haven't seen her since middle school, so she might be fucked now. I can see the good that comes from religion and all that shit but religion encroaches on what I consider to be your basic rights and I'm not okay with that. I'm also not okay with the blatant brainwashing and the U.S. governments direct line to religion. It is terrible. Anyways. I actually worked the register today. Though I'm not too sure I'm technically allowed to. I dunno. It's a bit weird at the moment. So... I'm thinking about writing a new fanfiction. It's in my mind and we never know if I'll actually do it, since I am very flaky on this type of thing. I'm thinking that I'm going to write an extremely long story that will be so ridiculous that if I finish it EVERYONE would know it. It would be about Skins UK generation 1 and 2. Starting sometime where their stories would coincide. Like maybe it would be like when gen 1 would start in uni and gen 2 is just starting. Where like I would follow the story line more or less and concentrate hard on establishing the future of gen 1 and involve them in the story line of gen 2. But, I would do what the tv show did where they would concentrate on one person's story, but I would do that every chapter. I would basically publish 17ish POV's every chapter. Except some would be shorter, like Cook being in jail would be shorter than maybe the chapter that would cover naomi and emily's sophia discovery. I would combine naomi and emily when they are basically inseperable and separate them when they are not seeing eye to eye and I would split a chapter in to emily then Naomi POV like a regular fic, but only in their storyline. This fic would be INSANE. it would be so unbearably long and tedious. But it would leave nothing much to imagination. As to where in gen 2 there would be MAJOR gaps in storylines. Like Katie falling off the face of the earth some episodes. Same with Thomas and stuff like that. So, it would talk about what they are thinking and the reader would see WHY they did certain things. I wouldn't specifically follow the tv show's storyline, I can't ignore Jal getting an abortion, Chris being sick, Tony getting hit by a bus. Sophia killing herself over Naomi, Effy going bat shit crazy, Foster. However I don't think I would stick to the deaths the series' had. because the deaths were there for dramatic endings. I don't need that ending since it'll be my beginning. Like, I would actually include Tony into Effy's storyline since Effy was in Tony's when he was in college. I would mention the weird connection Michelle and Effy have and I wouldn't just leave Maxxie and Anwar to go off to London and never hear about them again. I might talk about how Maxxie is making a name for himself and maybe Naomi taking Emily on a date to one of his shows. Or Freddie taking Effy, maybe even someone from series 1. I would keep bring back characters who were issues in gen 1 to appear in the lives of gen 2 and gen 1's lives. Basically I have a million ideas going around in my head right now because I jusst thought about this idea 30 minutes ago? I'm just sick and tired of not knowing what is happening in th elives of others. However, all th echapters would coincide. So it would just be back story of what a character was doing. Maybe, it'll be like my writing a chapter for everyone like the show and carry out them as the main character, so you can read the entire crews involvement with the story, but there would be several other chapters cover the other characters POV throughout that chapter, but you wouldn't have to read all 16 other chapters to move on. It could be like Today's main chapter will cover Tony and what he's doing that is really significant to the plot. But if you want to know what Cook was during the chapter because his involvement in the main chapter was "Oh come on you wankers! I went through the willy wang and back to get some spliff the least you could do is give Cookie some lovin'" You could find out in Cook's specific POV chapter that before he went to go see the gang he spoke to Uncle Keith about having some money issues and that he couldn't pay his tab or buy any spliff, so Uncle Keith got him a job being a drug mule for a few days assuring him it would be fast and easy money, all he had to do is make sure the shipment made it on time and was safe and that no coppers or anyone knew what was going down. And we see that being a mule is harder than it sounds especially once you step on turf that you didn't know was controlled. Which is why by the tim ehe gets to the party he is tired as hell and just wants to forget about the world and have fun, but when he sees Effy with Freddy the next chapter he goes bat shit crazy and beats a guy half to death for bumping into him after giving Emily some really heartfelt advice. Basically you can see the backstory on each character through out the story if you want to satiate your thirst for backstory. Also, you could just read one characters specific POV the entire time and still understand teh story and plot because it will interweave with the main story. Just not as detailed or involved. But EFfy will talk about seeing JJ and JJ will talk about seeing Effy to Emily who will then tell Katie who tells Thomas who tells Panda who talks to Effy about it. It'll work like that where the entire group finds out, though involving gen 1 characters will take several chapters to happen since they are all over teh damned place, some even in America. Who might return and then go back to america later with new friends! There are so many possibilities. If I end up doing this and I actually go start to finish with quality work, I will tell the tale to my children's children about my obsession with needing to know more so I decided to take it into my own hands and write a 5 harry potter novel length story. It'll take ages! maybe even years. A month per chapter or 2 months. Or maybe 3. It's so much. I dunno. I might do it. I might convince myself. I'm downloading gen 1-2 with extra commentary and stuff on my computer so I can remember the story lines and scenes and how people in Skins Bristol talk. This'll be intense. But again if I do actually end up doing this, it will be Legend- wait for it- dary!

Okay, now before I get distracted on fanfiction again I'll talk about stuff. I've been in a ridiculously foul mood these past few days. Everything was angering me. It was like the feeling of being so overwhelmingly depressed swallowed by sadness, but except of sadness it was pure anger. All I could think of was throwing shit, breaking things, yelling, screaming, running, destroying. It was pretty bad. I don't know why or what it was. It was ridiculous and I hated it. I have enough things to be angry about. Fucking Hulu charging me $8.95 when I fucking suspended my account then getting over draft fees of $35 and now a nice extra $35 to tack onto that because I couldn't pay the fucking $41 dollars. I'm in a nice -$76 right now. Let's not forget that someone stole my debit card number and tried to commit fraud on me, but unfortunately for that dick fuck I had nothing in my fucking account. So I had to get a new fucking card. Then two of my old good friends are getting married to fucking young and rushed and they don't realize they are being fucking wankers. I mean seriously what the fuck. One is being controlled by just another boyfriend who was in teh right place at the right time and the other is on some god rant and getting married to the only guy so far in her teen years who hasn't fucked her over. I have nothing against love and not one inch of me is jealous because I don't want what they have because they don't fucking have true love. So one of them is going to get divorced and the other will live miserably until she gets out of this idiotic god phase that she is allowing control upon her life. You know what pisses me off? Fucking "religious beliefs". Like what the fuck is that fucking phrase. Be as fucking religious as you want and don't shove it down others throats but the moment you say "I'm not doing this or this because of religious beliefs" or "Because of my religious beliefs" So immediately everyone is like "Oh, religious beliefs I don't want to mess with that shit man" NO! What the fuck are you saying, "religious beliefs" is a bullshit excuse. I ask them too. I ask them, "why do you believe that" and THEY SAY BECAUSE OF THE FUCKING BIBLE! OR BECAUSE MY FUCKING PREACH ASSHOLE BITCH SAID SO!!! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU EVEN FUCKING SAYING! Capitalization does not even begin to describe the RAGE I experience when I think about this. Can you imagine? You are basing your entire belief over a book and if it didn't exist you wouldn't feel bad killing, lying, cheating, or stealing. Your entire being is a lie. I can understand if you say, well I saw the reasoning behind killing each other off because though the bible is saying it because back then we needed all the humans to reproduce and keep the population in existence. Also, it invokes a great sentimental push towards the families of those who were killed as opposed to those who just simply died to natural causes. The great climax of Jesus being nailed to a wooded cross and being displayed to the population so they could watch the character some had grown so attached to die. Also, there is a great emotional anguish when you discover it was because of feelings such as greed and envy. Now after analyzing this and then further watching tv shows and the news where those being murdered creates great sadness in me because I can only barely imagine the pain they are experiencing. Therefore, I believe killing is bad and so are other things such as cheating, lying, being greedy, and overly confident. It is better to stay humble and have nothing. THAT I CAN FUCKING UNDERSTAND! THAT IS AN APPROPRIATE ANSWER TO MY FUCKING QUESTION! WHEN ALL YOU FUCKING SAY IS "IT'A BECAUSE THE FUCKING BIBLE INSTRUCTED ME THEREFORE GOD WISHES FOR ME NOT TO KILL PEOPLE" TELLS ME YOU ARE A FUCKING PSYCHOPATH WHO WOULD MURDER AND TORTURE OTHER FOR PLEASURE IF A FUCKING BOOK DIDN'T TELL YOU NOT TO! I wish fucking religion didn't fucking exist. Maybe then we would live in a world where people wouldn't be brainwashed into thinking there is only one way to think. I fucking hate religion. It's idiotic and was only created so idiots didn't go around killing people even more. If god was so fucking perfect who wouldn't have created a defective species that needed to be controlled. If god loved his children he wouldn't have created something that hurts anyone of his children and not let it be fixed. So fuck you religion and fuck all the people who believe in that shit. If it makes you sleep better at night that there is going to be a fucking place for you in a magical place in the sky where you will always be happy, then woop dee do for you. Where I live you fucking die and you rot. There isn't a happily ever after for everyone. Unless you create it yourself. You will only live this one life no matter how much you want to live another one. And if I'm wrong then I'll spend eternity hell happy I'm not in a place with delusional cunts, it'll be more interesting in fucking hell. That's it I'm done. I've insulted a great majority of the population now but I don't give a fuck. You can suck my dick.

I went to work today. I got like 8 hours, which is pretty sweet. My feet are killing me though. I forgot what it was like to stand for an entire shift. But, fuckin 'ell man! Awesome sauce job. My manager is so fucking chill, and so are the workers. She even invited me out to smoke with the rest of the group. Best boss EVER! However, the day was not all shits and giggles, I fell asleep around 8a.m., yeah I know shut up. And I woke myself up at noon because I needed to fix my sleeping schedule, so my plan was to exhaust myself to the point where I NEEDED to sleep early. However, plans did not pan out that way. I was called by my manager telling me that I had work today at 5p.m. and I was like okay. It was 3 at the time. What wasn't awesome sauce is that I felt so fucking nauseous. It's the second or third time it;s happened to me. I think it's from being to hot. Kind of like when you're doing a lot of activity in the sun and then you go to drink water but it's fucking hot too but you can't just not drink it. Then you feel fucking terrible and like throwing up. It was like that. and my mom made these awesome quesadillas for me before I left to work but the smell itself almost made me throw up several times. It was just the smell of food. I don't know why. So, I packed them up in a zip lock bag and left them in my room for until I came back and I stopped feeling like shit. So, 4 hours of sleep, I ate at 1p.m., I left for work at 4:30p.m., I smoked at 12a.m., and I just ate at 1a.m. Needless to say the nicotine that would have slightly overwhelmed me due to lack of smoking in the past months was multiplied by like 20 thousand that I felt severely dizzy and calm and tired. I was like. Fuck man. But I didn't want to let on that I was so fucking tired. However! I did find out that my lungs store smoke pretty well if I breathe properly(like the way we were born breathing not the shit we do now). I walked in after we were smoking and I would see smoke escape my mouth if I exhaled all the way. It was pretty funny to me. Though, I was running on almost no sleep and no energy and a long cigarette worth of nicotine. They were my mom's brand though, and I don't like it Marbolo. Ewww. But my other choice was menthol camels, the type my roommate smoked and I really didn't like those. I'm a pure smoke smoker. I do it so seldomly that I get the unfiltered cigarettes. That way i get ALL the bad in one or two that I smoke. Hardcore bro! LAWL just kidding, but I do smoke the hard stuff, at least that's what my smoking friends tell me. It takes a while to get used to it because when smoking filtered cigarettes you have to suck in more to get it through the process. So when you switch to unfiltered you choke and cough the first time because you get so much for so little effort. It's beautiful really, and the smoke it a lot whiter. ANYWAYS. Just thought I would share. Now I'm going to go get some water and something small to eat and then let it settle then sleep my ass off. Until 10 when I wake up for work at 12.

How bad is it to smoke in a graveyard on top of a native american hill memorial site? I am going to need to find a new place to smoke. I might just have to resort to taking walks in the middle of the night to smoke. I am going to be living where 2/3 of my class and friends are going to be living and the place is not secluded and I am not going to have a smoking area. Before I used to smoke behind my dorm which no one I was really friends with ever used that door because you only need it to visit one specific dorm because the other dorm is easier to reach through the front of the complex. So whenever I got the urge to smoke(which is always at night, because it's safer and I won't get caught by anyone I know, and it just feels better because that is when I am truly stressed to the point where I need to relax) I used to just walk out and go smoke, plus my roommate was basically a chain smoker, so no big deal. I could go out with her whenever, no judgement. I can't smoke anywhere around my new dorm. Well, it's not that I physically can't. It's just that people are reeeally touchy about people who smoke. And they are very BLAH BLAH BLAH LUNG CANCER BLAH BLAH IT SMELLS BLAH BLAH THE HEALTH SHIT BLAH BLAH, it gets annoying, and if anyone in the music department found out, well so help me god. If being told by strangers about the risk factors to my health isn't annoying enough, listening to people tell me how it'll affect my lungs and therefore my musicianship. It's not great and I'd rather avoid that shit. But if I can't fucking cut or have sex or play the flute/piano without wanting to shoot myself in the face, I need to smoke. I'd rather have a drink and ruin my liver but that's frowned upon when it includes minors. Bullshit really. I wish I could smoke now. I could really use it. I don't care that it'll just make me feel hotter in my fucking air conditionless house, I could use it to relax. You know, every time I fucking finish a meal when I actually eat with my parents, both my parents are like "Is that all?" or "You barely ate anything." It made me angry the first time and second time and I would let it slide because my dad is an asshole. But I'M NOT GOING TO EAT ANYMORE YOU ASSHOLES!!! It pisses me off so much. I'm starting to ake my anger more vocalized, rather than just clenching my fists or digging my heel into the ground or just fucking flicking them off once they can't see me. They are idiots and I can't fucking tell them why it especially bothers me because if I do they won't fucking understand what I'm saying in any fucking language. Because they are one dimensional and I've never had a conversation with them that wasn't just purely vain. It's all surface talk. They don't know how to caryy on a real conversation without just making it purposely about themselves. I'm pissed off do to other reason they just happened to make me go somewhere after the events, it's immediately, "Stop looking like that, act fucking happy and like you hate us. We are your parents and we don't need that from you because you didn't want to go any where, you need to get out of the house and blah blah blah." Like I can't have fucking issues that don't include the, fucking narcisistic assholes. It pisses me off beyond belief. They really need to be taught a lesson on talking to their fucking offspring. But if they weren't such fucking criers I would have fucking done it years ago. But no. They got lucky with a daughter who has many more issues than just their self involved shit and has no one to speak to. FUCK I need a fucking cigarette or drink. This is ridiculous. If my parliments weren't fucking $8 I'd be all over smoking right now. The next 4 years of my life are going to fucking suck. My parents are just going to get more and more obnoxious and poor,they will probably lose the house and need to move out with all the shit we have and if that's not the case we are just going to live in a fucking broken home where every fucking appliance goes to shit, we're off to a great star with the fucking freezer part of the fridge stops freezing and needs to be defrosted every fucking week and the washer has gone to shit leaking water all over the fucking place and of course the most recent player to add the the roster, the air conditioner that has been nothing but shit for years but has finally broken. Probably for good at this rate. Not to mention my electronic luck. I just can't sometimes. It's so much shit that I make sure to spend no time near my parents because they reek defeat and self pity. Next 4 years of my life are going to be shit. And no support to be found any where. So forgive me for wanting to fucking smoke every once in a while you judgmental prick.